'Launching' the relationship with OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

STBXH has 'launched' his relationship with OW. We work in the same sector and they attended an industry event as a public couple. I have them both muted on LinkedIn, X, Bluesky etc but it's a small world and bloody everyone was there and my feeds have thrown up multiple comments addressed to them about how happy they both looked. I know I should have avoided all news of the event but I suppose a masochistic streak made me look.

I just don't understand. The people commenting know me. They know that he was living with me and our children less than a month ago. How can they celebrate a relationship which has been borne of so much pain and betrayal? How does an OW take any joy at all in her relationship when it was founded in the lies he told me for months and months?

Feeling very sad tonight.

I have my own issues with LinkedIn, and how people use or misuse it, at the moment.
But in your case, as they have clearly been duplicitous in conducting a relationship behind your back, they have now shown themselves to be dishonest in front of work colleagues. I don't see how this can be a positive thing for them.

Another one that has been there.
What I have learnt is that those comments generally come from people he will have “primed” by telling them how awful home life with you is, how desperate he is to leave but he can’t because of the kids etc. It’s all part of the deception and need to maintain a good image.
Try not to look - I know it’s hard but ask yourself why? I did it because I hoped he was getting what he deserved when in reality the opposite was true (at least that’s how it looked!). It only hurt me more and kept me stuck in the anger/grief cycle when he couldn’t care less. It does get better and if you can stop yourself eventually you won’t care.

My former MIL left her first husband for her second and her second for her third. Her third husband left his wife of 45 years ( dropped her off at the hairdressers for her usual Saturday wash and set and buggered off to carefully planned new life for away with MIL). They always professed to be ecstatically happy together. Thing was neither of them ever trusted the other as far as they could have thrown them. He knew she'd done it twice before and ,after the way he left his wife, MIL knew he wouldn't hesitate to do just the same to her. Neither went anywhere without the other even to the extent that if they needed a pint of milk then both went. Weird way to live

That really is crap, leaving someone disabled, tho it must be hard for all, I have mid stage Parkinson’s, and hate nearly 7 years, the progressiveness of it all.
And I’ve worked in care too.
i wish you joy and happiness with your cats, I have one such faithful and loving companions.
And strength to cope with your disability and health challenges, I’ve lived alone ( ok with dearest cat), so not had this

Hope this helps.

"If you're ever feeling sad, remember there's someone out there, dating your ex and thinking they found someone special."

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I agree with this @VelociraptorsVelociRapping I am so, so sorry you are having to deal with this and I'm not surprised you are hurt - but just because some people have congratulated them, does not necessarily mean that they aren't appalled about their behaviour, behind their backs. Most of them probably are.

He lied to you and he’s probably lied to your/his friends too. Or at the least given them a sob story about how ruddy bloody brave he’s been to learn to put himself first and pursue what makes him happy in this one life he has, etc etc etc.

No one is going to comment on LinkedIn saying “what happened to your wife?” Or “enjoy it while it lasts you cheating bastard” or “@VelociraptorsVelociRapping looks different somehow, new hairstyle maybe?” on photos of him launching his shiny new relationship. It is probably the right choice for them not to do that. But I guarantee some are thinking it! Some might even think it and click “thumbs up” to keep the peace/ “be professional” or some other excuse.

Even though it doesn't feel like it now; in time to come; you will feel different. She did you a favour sweeping this amoral poor excuse for a partner from your life. A broken heart hurts like hell; along side public humiliation; but you'll get past this and one day not just know; but feel they did you a favour.

As others have said the comments are mostly probably just people greasing deals; getting on in the work place. If they are people that matter to you...then you have been shown their true loyalties. Situations like this reveal who you can count on and I see that as a positive. Good luck OP and be kind to yourself. It will get better ❤️

As others have said, think of the people who didn’t comment. They are probably all thinking he’s a wanker. Also I think it’s important to note these are people’s jobs and work social media I assume. It would be pretty unprofessional to comment “hay were you not living with your Mrs and child last month? What happened there?” If he is high up, or seen as a bit of a mover and shaker then most of these people (probably all of them) are just ass kissing - and while their words are still hurtful to you they are doing it out of a place of pure selfishness and in the hopes of being in his good books.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think others have nailed it with, no matter the comments, they will most likely be thinking he is a cheating scumbag. And as for her, the universe deals it's karma, even if it's a way down the line.

I know they feel like empty words but you know you did nothing wrong in that respect and I hope the next person (when you are ready to trust and date again) sweeps you off your feet and makes you feel like a million pounds and you get your glow up and he feels like an idiot! Sending love and hugs xxx

People tend to live in the moment, they can be sad for you and happy for him at the same time. Other people can move on faster than you can unfortunately. As shit as that is you need to catch up with your moving on.

Also in relation to the OW being so smug, if he will do it with you, he will do it to you! He's come out of all of this relatively unscathed, he will be perfectly okay doing it again when things start to dull with the new woman!

Take the higher ground! You've got this!

A wise post op.

Oh Octavia64,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I am also seriously disabled and wheelchair bound due to a complication during childbirth of our first. Ours are young adults now too, so I also understand the strength it takes to live as a disabled person, let alone a mum bringing up children.

I can only imagine the anguish you feel seeing him do something so horrible to you. Obviously "in sickness and health" only applied if it was him I guess.

I never understand fathers who also walk away from their kids, especially if they have been integral in their lives previously.

I totally understand why you wouldn't want another man in your life and would feel exactly like you, should it happen to me.

Wishing you lots of love and happiness for your future xx

And @BeNavyCrab
Whilst I am very sorry you are disabled surely you aren't suggesting that being disabled should protect you from having a relationship end?

Marriages end every day for a multitude of reasons. I don't know the reasons for your marriages ending but surely you aren't suggesting unhappy people should stay together because one is disabled?

It says an awful lot about how people compromise on their morals and ethics just to keep up their profile at work. Ultimately it’s about money and promotion and recognition.
I’m presuming they’ve all done it like sheep thinking they need to all be in the same “camp”. Is your STBX higher up or more influential than you? Are they hedging their bets that brown-nosing 2 people is better than supporting the 1 they should be supporting.
look for the people saying nothing at all. They’re the ones who are secretly supporting you and aware of what you’re going through.

@angstypant

My marriage ended because he hit our daughter. He had been drinking a lot. I thought he was going to kill me and I'm disabled and can't run easily away from him.

I called the police and my children and I left.

No, people don't have to stay in unhappy marriages just because one person is disabled.

But social media faking is a thing. He's married again now to a younger non disabled woman. They have a child.
Their Facebook life is all roses and happiness.

My children and I agonised for a long time about whether to warn her about the abuse. But it is on police record and she could have done a request.

And also, frankly, if we'd warned her he might well have turned up at my house and been violent. And as previously mentioned I'm disabled.

Ugh, what a pair of bellends splashing it allover SM. I'm so sorry op.

I've been in your shoes op only my ex denied affair and her and made out I was mad/kept his affair secret from most people. Made me ill tbh.

However its done, it's just horrible. One of the worst, traumatic things that can ever happen.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, you sound lovely. People that put their comments on LinkedIn are either stupid or brown nosing.

You sound lovely. Please know that you won't feel this way forever, it slowly gets easier.

He's always going to he a dick and she's with a cheat and a liar. Not a prize but definitely deserve eachother.

Take care and swerve SM if you can.

You don't know what he has told others about you. It's likely you'll never know.

Cheating arseholes like this one have been known to make up outrageous lies just so that they can paint themselves as the good guy. You've probably been thrown under the bus and don't have the first clue.

I'm not on LinkedIn but I thought it was a professional site and a relationship is not something you'd post or comment on?

Op, let them. That's my mantra regarding my ex. Just let them. It hurts. It's shit. He's a tosser. A real dickhead not least for the LinkedIn activity.

One day, you will not hurt and you will recovered from this trauma. It is traumatic what you've endured. But you will only recover if you focus solely on you. Yourself.

My post was not about encouraging people in an unhappy relationship to stay just because their partner is disabled. It was about empathy with another person who also is disabled and the extra challenges they face because of it, as well as the way some people also "leave" their kids as well as their spouse.

Just for the record, my marriage hasn't ended and I have a loving partner by my side but I certainly can understand the pain of betrayal and sadness for anyone who has to face, whether disabled or not.

Now that it was a few days ago and I have some distance from it all I feel I should clarify exactly what the content was. No-one posted content to launch the relationship explicitly, eg 'I'm pleased to announce that I'm taking up a new position shagging Velociraptor's STBXH.' It was a big event in our industry which had its own hashtags and which attendees were encouraged to post about, and because we're in the same region and industry we have a lot of mutuals so it dominated my timeline on LinkedIn, X and Bluesky.

So say for the purposes of illustration that we're all plumbers. Most of my feed was posts along the line of 'Had a great time at #PlumbFest2024. So exciting to hear about the new developments in u-bend technology from STBXH', etc etc. Everyone then comments on each others' posts and this is what I saw, as I have both STBXH and OW muted on all platforms. So OW would comment on a mutual's post, and I would see their reply along the lines of 'so great to see you there OW, and looking so happy with Mr Velociraptor!' etc etc. What is REALLY galling is that OW is a big voice in 'women in plumbing' so there were loads of sycophantic posts from various other women in this network: 'so great to hear from OW about the importance of parental leave in plumbing. Simply the most compassionate and wise voice in women's plumbing at the moment'. You get the idea.

I'm maintaining a very dignified silence. I have a good network of trusted colleagues who are also friends, who know the truth about the situation and will quietly disabuse others of any lies that they are told. I'm good at what I do and pretty well-respected, although I'm not as successful a self-publicist as OW.

I can understand how distressing that must be for you to read @VelociraptorsVelociRapping I would feel exactly the same. Many, many years ago, I experienced something similar. This woman was praised in her industry as being one of the few women in the industry and for her knowledge in that industry. The same industry my DH was in. I never found out if she actually knew that much about the industry. It seemed to me she got on by being an extrovert and putting herself out there and being a bullshitter. It would distress and rile me that she was being praised when I knew she was the sort of woman who had no qualms about 'dating' a married man (my husband). I thought, how can she be praised when she is morally bankrupt.

Over time, I have come to realise that a person's professional standing is, of course, separate from who they are as a person. They can be praised for their professional accomplishments (if indeed they actually have any or not) while being utterly lacking in the morality and emotional maturity stakes. Especially on those SM platforms, you must remember that people are just sucking up to her in the professional realm. They're not going to be asking themselves, is she a good person. They're not interested in that. They're only interested in their own self-promotion.

No one will really think anything positive about this. It’s just a work situation so people have to be professional.

There are people I’ve worked with who were part of an affair 10-15 years ago and people still think of them as scum bags.

This just isn’t true. They may not cheat again immediately but you can be guaranteed when the going gets tough again it invariably will, they will cheat if given the opportunity. It is almost a given.

Grim. Someone I know did this though the married couple and the AP all worked together. I was always baffled by the Facebook likes the new relationship pictures got from what must have been mutual friends of the now ex. A few other people also commented similar when we discussed it so I agree with all who said you're not seeing the silent support because it's invisible.

What is REALLY galling is that OW is a big voice in 'women in plumbing'

There you go then. A lot of the likes and comments won't even be genuinely meant.