'Launching' the relationship with OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

STBXH has 'launched' his relationship with OW. We work in the same sector and they attended an industry event as a public couple. I have them both muted on LinkedIn, X, Bluesky etc but it's a small world and bloody everyone was there and my feeds have thrown up multiple comments addressed to them about how happy they both looked. I know I should have avoided all news of the event but I suppose a masochistic streak made me look.

I just don't understand. The people commenting know me. They know that he was living with me and our children less than a month ago. How can they celebrate a relationship which has been borne of so much pain and betrayal? How does an OW take any joy at all in her relationship when it was founded in the lies he told me for months and months?

Feeling very sad tonight.

@thiscantbemylife I cant believe she reached out to you. To ask what?
I hope you told her "not sure. My experiences may be different from yours. All I know is he is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me with a client".

I hate to say it, but it's possible he's been telling your mutual friends and acquaintances that you're awful in order to lay down the foundations for this.

This happened with me; my ex was cheating for months, but all his mates were happy for him rather than horrified because he'd been feeding this story that I was an evil witch for years. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks. People can be so disappointing sometimes.

I don't understand why you've stayed friends on SM - to me, that feels disrespectful to your friend.

They feel awkward and are being polite to help make themselves feel better.

I say this because I've definitely felt this way in similar situations.
You see a post, you feel a lot of 'bad' feelings - whether awkward, like it's none of your business, rage, guilt, disgust, and immediately want to do something to make you feel better, being polite seems like the right thing....until you've posted it, realise you feel the same, and realise how silly it seems to remove it.

The most 'British' of emotions!

People find new things and beginnings exciting and interesting.
The novelty will wear off and you will be in a better more secure place without a cheater, (who may very well cheat again) but with your integrity.

I really wish people wouldn’t say this. I realise it’s meant as support and there are serial philanderers out there but in all marriage breakdowns due to infidelity that I’ve known, this is never true. I don’t think it’s a helpful thing to say.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, I think in times like this you find out who your true friends are.

Weird because In every marriage breakdown I have know the cheating partner goes on to cheat again. It seems it's just who they are.

This. My exhusband left for a 17 year old colleague when he and I were 30 and our children were 3 and 2. It didn't end up being quite the party he thought it would be. For me it was 29 years ago yesterday. I only remember the date because 9/11 is always ( quite rightly) acknowledged on the news. It hurt like hell and nothing can take that away. The punch in the stomach of pulling up at the traffic lights at a crossroads in Gloucester and opposite was my husband ( divorce was proceeding ) the silly little girlfriend and my 2 children in his shiny new car playing happy families. My heart did such a massive bang that I thought it would burst out of my chest. I had to find somewhere to pull over as I was shaking so much. You will come through it and it will be okay but you have my absolute understanding and a hug because it is an incredibly painful time.I cried rivers of tears over thst man. I have a wonderful life now with a husband who is the loveliest man . Focus on you and your children. Make your life the best it can be. It will come good.

that’s awful I’m sorry you have to go through this

It’s no surprise the number of people with MH issues is rising, is it, with horrible things like this to deal with.

You have to remember op - it is not only your dh who’s a cheater so the people commenting could include loads of people unfaithful to their current of former partners.

Some people have no shame or empathy. It was ever thus, but it didn’t used to be advertised all over SM.

Know that for every person who commented there will have been 5 more who thought to themselves ‘what a prick’ and didn’t comment. You’re only seeing the people that are ‘validating’ their relationship, not the ones who see him for who he really is, who will stay silent on social media.

This. Consider too that it once ONE person has commented, then it changes the tone - there will be people thinking ‘well now to NOT comment looks like a statement, urgh I’d better join the chorus’.

No one who knows the background will be thinking ‘how wonderful for them’. Absolutely no one.

I’m so sorry, but I’d rather be you than her in this scenario any day of the week.

I had a similar situation. Honestly, I think it is a mix of people picking the person they either like more or in this case, the one who can benefit them more. There are a lot of affairs in work places too so some of those supporting may also be doing similar themselves. Lastly, the awful truth is that if it doesn't affect their own day to day, a lot of people just don't care.

In my case my ex and his affair partner are still together years later and seem happy so at least he didn't throw our marriage away for a brief fling. The longer they are together the more everyone ignores how it started too.

It helped me to stop thinking about karma etc as it doesn't exist. They may last or they may not, but really it is about moving forward and living well for yourself. He is obviously trash and eventually years from now it won't hurt the same.

This is true op. It’s always disappointing how much people just roll with things to avoid awkwardness/ tension for themselves.
But that doesn’t make any of it less scummy - it just makes them another chapter of it.
Hold your head high. Those of us with no skin in the game can see who is right from who is wrong.
And it would be most unusual for a relationship between two unprincipled, selfish people to end happily,

Why on earth would he need to 'launch' a personal relationship in a professional context. Seems grossly unprofessional to me.

There will be one or two idiots who have commented thinking that it's nice news.

There will be a few more who think that they need to be sheep and need to comment to keep the peace, because it looks bad if they don't.

There will be a load of people who have seen it and who will think that it's totally inappropriate to post shit like this on what is supposed to be a professional networking site. They'll also be aware that you are on there, so the whole thing is in very poor taste.

Ignore the idiots and the sheep. The majority will scroll past his post thinking he's being a bellend. Dignified silence is the best response to this.

Work colleagues are very rarely friends.
Lower your expectations, it makes life easier. I used to make that mistake never again

That's horrible of your mutual friends. They're not comprehending the while picture. In their minds, they're just welcoming the new girlfriend. It's very hurtful to you.

That sounds awful I am sorry. But do you know what? For every positive poster about them there are about 10 people silently thinking that the positive posters are insensitive twats and that your ex and the OW are even bigger twats. Think of the silent majority who are on your side. You can tell from the feedback to your post - this silent majority exists.

At first I was baffled why anyone would make personal comments on a business forum about how a couple looked at a work event, but then I thought similar to @StormingNorman and @TheCultureHusks who put it much better than I could’ve.

You’ve had arseholes compound the damage your arsehole husband and the OW had already done. That’s going to hurt. Perhaps you shouldn’t have looked but it’s probably better to know now when you’re feeling at your lowest than someone telling you about those posts at some point in the future and setting you back when you might, by then, be feeling better.

I’m so sorry, but I’d rather be you than her in this scenario any day of the week.

Thank you @TheCultureHusks - after a couple of days' reflection since the initial shock I know that you are right and I really wouldn't swap places with her for anything.

Thank you all for your supportive words, you lovely nest of vipers 🐍

Indeed. Focus on the silence of the many, not the congratulations from the few. Then chin up and crack on - they have done you a favour @VelociraptorsVelociRapping, reminding you what a pair of shits they truly are.

You got this QUEEN

Touched a nerve?

People say it because someone willing to ignore the vows they made and the love they shared to sleep with someone else has shown that their vows and commitment only hold while it suits them.

Once you’ve done that to one partner, you have shown capacity to do it to any future partner. Cheating is on the cards if the situation arises.

I really wish people wouldn’t say this. I realise it’s meant as support and there are serial philanderers out there but in all marriage breakdowns due to infidelity that I’ve known, this is never true. I don’t think it’s a helpful thing to say.

This. Most of the time, the couples stay together, IMO. Waiting for them to split and be unhappy is just keeping yourself in limbo.

He's a shit, she's a shit, and the people that have commented on it positively are those that you should keep a mental note of to never trust again either!

My best friend's STBXH also recently "launched" the OW. At a family wedding that his (grown) children were attending and who had no idea about her, then had to share a table with her at the reception.

Unfortunately, men like this only think with one thing and it ain't their brain!