Inheritance

[DustyLee123]

How would you feel if DH of a long marriage said that his inheritance was none of your business?

I'd say something to him.
I'd say that you do understand that the inheritance is his but you are feeling excluded and that you think that it's very odd that he won't even tell you roughly how much. That you thought you were a team, and over the years you've always acted as a team and now this makes you feel like he doesn't think that.

Make it less about the money itself but what the act means to you

If my DH was to inherit I would view it as his. I’d be very surprised if he became secretive and not want to do something that would benefit the family (eg using it towards mortgage) as that would be out of character.

I guess it is his money but we would have a discussion and it would be family money. Do u normally share finances?

DH and I have both received inheritances, we saw them as family money.

Ditto

I think this is probably how it would have gone here as well. If anyone had inherited that is!

The idea of not even knowing how much, and not fixing the holes in the window casings if we could, seems very odd.

I'd assume it's a Fuck Off Fund and he's planning to leave.

He's continuing his prior form of never being a team player. That his children being sick was nothing to do with him, shows that he sets himself above everyone else. Not surprising you were a SAHM, as he had no inclination to take on proper parental responsibilities. Have you found yourself developing some bitterness towards him over the years? It would be hard not to.
His 'not your business' becomes half yours if you split. You could then put it towards your retirement fund. But you probably don't want to go down this route after being together so long even if your DC's are grown. It's a scary thing to change most of your adult life and being single when older can be lonely. Despite the lovely stories it's harder to find love again when older. Company is a reason you might want to stay, it's valid and your choice.

Now you know you're not really a team.

I inherited a decent amount 10 years ago . Have spent the majority of it on home improvements,mortgage and kids . I have however had it in my account and have been 100% in control of how it is spent.

I'd be saddened to be told that it's none of my business, after all those years together. I wouldn't necessarily expect to see any of the money, but, I know that I would be generous to him if it were me who'd inherited.

Of course it is. It's super grabby and really unfeeling - there is no way anyone asks that without wanting some of it to be spent on them.

'Hey, I know your mum just died...but how much did she leave you?'

And given OP hasn't even said how quickly she asked about the money...yeah, I'm going with grabby.

I agree with this. It would be very strange if my husband just turned around and said it was none of my business! Not a long marriage (yet!), ‘only’ 5 years, but still. Any money in our marriage is always joint money, from both sides, so I’d feel strange that this was treated so differently. I wouldn’t expect to make decisions about it myself but I’d be very surprised if it wasn’t under the ‘family money’ umbrella or at least discussed!

Of course it’s not grabby or unfeeling to ask how much the inheritance is when your life partner is the beneficiary! If that is what some really think, they shouldn’t accept an inheritance, because that isn’t about feelings for the deceased either. It’s grabby if the partner is suggesting how to spend it all, not when they are just interested.

Ill doers are ill deemers?!

Hmm....interesting question. I'd expect to know how much, because why not? Why keep it secret? I'd be perfectly happy for him to spend a good proportion of it on himself. For example, he has a very expensive hobby and could spend thousands on that. Fine. However, if he inherited say £200,000 I'd also expect him to spend some on our mortgage, home repairs, save some for the children's future etc. Because what on earth would he do with £200,00 if he only spent it on himself?! If he inherited a smaller amount like £10,000 or similar, yes I'd be fine with him spending it on what he wanted.
I'd do the same if I inherited money.

You can easily find out - just search for the will via the Probate service!

I’d be annoyed to be told it was none of my business. My DH inherited around 40 k from his late mother. I did feel it was ‘his’ money’ as I always felt his mum would not want me to have any of it. I don’t think she liked me much! He says any money in the pot is family money, so he would never say it was none of my business anyway! When I retired I got a smallish lump sum and bought a new car which he did not say anything about. I had to give.
My old one to my daughter who was pregnant at the time and needed a car.

Both DH and I have inherited from parents and been married 34 years, it’s a shame your DH doesn’t want to share these details with you. I would have to say that it upsets me that he doesn’t want to tell me. I do remember when my Gran died, in my parents case, my Dad handled all the money, so he purchased a new car, not what my Mum wanted, so she went out and got new furniture. My Dad never discussed money and my Mum even after 50 years married never knew what money they had.

But they are married! When my Dad died my DP sat by his bedside with me, he helped me empty his house and sell it. He was with me every step of the way. It would have been totally bizarre for me not to discuss the inheritance with him or ask for his input on how we should spend it. We’re a partnership.

That was supposed to be a response to @Killingoffmyflowersonebyone

Same here. DH had a large inheritance a couple of years ago and while most has been invested some paid off the mortgage and for some nice holidays for all of us. I know exactly how much is left but I would always let him have the casting vote since it was his relative.

Being married shouldn't automatically mean that your husband or wife is entitled to get a say in how the money from your dead parents/aunt/uncle is spent. To presume you do is beyond grabby tbh and quite off-putting and, if it were me, I would reevaluate the relationship. It's also just unfeeling. Someone has died so OPs DP can get that money. To start asking how it's spent (and note OP has still not yet clarified how soon she made the comments) is grim.

Grabby and grim 😂 I suppose we just fundamentally view finances in relationships differently then. Me and my DP make financial decisions together. Obviously if it’s inheritance from my family and I wanted to do something specific with it I wouldn’t expect my DP to say ‘no’ (and he never would) but I would still discuss it with him.

I've technically kept mine 'separate' as it's in my savings but I'm spending it all on our joint house with all joint decisions. Only as a choice though, I would still consider mine to be the deciding factor. I wouldn't want to exclude dh though, the fact that he wants to keep you well away from his money in terms of not even discussing it is a bit sad. He clearly feels defensive/protective of it which he wouldn't do if he genuinely loved/liked you.

DHs inheritance went on making sure we were secure for the future. Paid off the mortgage, made sure the house is in great condition, and some in savings. DH also spent a substantial amount on upgrading his camera/optics equipment and we enjoyed the rest as a family.

If my DH of 40+ years replied 'it's none of your business' to anything I asked him we would be looking at divorce.

How DH spent his inheritance was entirely up to him.

But if he specifically told me it was none of my business I’d be shocked and disappointed with the attitude, nothing to do with the inheritance itself.