Inheritance

[DustyLee123]

How would you feel if DH of a long marriage said that his inheritance was none of your business?

I would add, we were very much separate finances for the first 20 years or so of marriage.
Now we are retired and have no DC at home, mortgage is paid off, separate finances just doesn't make sense any more. My costs are his and vice versa, it just doesn't make (financial) sense to separate them.

I can't imagine being in a marriage where money wasn't viewed as joint. It seems very contrived to me, if that makes sense. Yes, you can pretend all money is individually earned and owned if you like, but that's not really how it works from a legal standpoint...

I had a decent inheritance - not massive but shy of 3 figures and I said to DH, (he didn’t ask or know the numbers as I didn’t know til the final workings out long after the death) ‘what shall we do with it?’ And he said what ‘we’ are we talking about, it’s your inheritance from your relation you do whatever you like with it!

I bought a nice memento and invested the rest rather unglamorously in premium bonds and ISA.

He never asked how much, has never mentioned it since and isn’t grabby about it. It’s a gift I wasn’t expecting and I didn’t earn it.

My DH had recently inserted a large sum of money. I've been clear that it's good money, but he's adamant that's it's ours, and had consumed me about plans he has for it. He's also asked me to make suggestions for things we might want to spend our on.

I'd be pretty upset of he'd acted on any other way, we've been together over 30 years and have managed to pay off (his) debts together. It's right we now get to have fun spending some money too.

I feel for you OP. Money can be such a toxin.

It would be family money. We always talked over big expenditure (from buying a TV to holidays), and so we would discuss how it would be best used to benefit our family and children. If the inheritance was from my side I'm sure he would have encouraged me to use some to perhaps visit my sisters (who live abroad) or some thing if I wanted to. And if it was on his side I'd fully expect him to give some to his older children.

I agree in most parts it should be considered separate. However, if you took the financial hit bearing his children through job insecurity and pension/national insurance contributions then I think it should be considered joint finances.Rearing children, the financial burden should never be placed on one person.

What's your issue? That he hasn't told you how much it is, or that he's not spending it on what you want to spend it on?

Inheritance kept nominally separate here, with the one inheriting deciding what gets spent. But we know the amounts, and we have both chosen to spend some of it on things that benefit the family. I'd have been very upset if my DH considered my inheritance to be his to spend though. Presumably the pricey home improvements that you want aren't important to him, and that's fine. His money, his choice. If you want them, you can pay for them with any inheritance you get.

I would be so disappointed, even if I was happy for him to spend it all on himself. I think the not even telling you is awful.
I'd have at least expected him to share that, but honestly I'd have expected him to share the actual ££ too.
Have you said anything?

It would have me questioning the relationship, as we've always had one pot.

I'd feel uneasy about his secrecy tbh . I'm not saying the money is his or is shared but his secrecy would be an issue .

I would expect it to be in his savings account, but we woujd discuss what to do with it. Very odd he hasn't told you how much ..

I have no idea how much DH inherited when his parents died. He didn't volunteer. I didn't think to ask.

I was a SAHM for several years so that he could continue his career, so lost out on pension.
When I went back to work I remember him saying that he wouldn’t be taking any days off work if the kids were sick.

Have you said anything?
I don’t feel like I can.

That's a problem. Even if you hold different views, you have to be able to discuss something as important as this.

Fuck that shit. Every question the cunt asked until I was divorced would be answered "None of your business"

So you did find out, and I haven’t. And nothing has been spent to benefit the family.
The ‘pricey home improvements’ are things like replacing windows that have already been patched up where holes have formed, so not me being grabby IMO.

My partner and I have separate accounts/money but both contribute to food/bills/the children etc.
I’d be upset if he was keeping something from me. Although we have separate banks we are honest about our finances.
I’d have a conversation about why he feels the need to keep it a secret and how you are feeling with that - it wouldn’t sit right with me and would definitely dent the trust in our relationship!

I couldn't live with a man like that

In my family inheritance is family money, but ....

I inherited a large sum. I decided that it should be used for the kids; private school where/if possible/suitable and/or uni costs/house deposits etc. In my head that makes it family money, but I'm not really sure my DH sees it the same way. I think he would rather have kept it for "us" and paid down the mortgage etc.

So yes, I spent it on the family. But no, I didn't overly consult about what it would be spent on. Though I certainly didn't spend it on myself!

DH has inherited 10x what I ever will. There was never any question of it being family money, which will secure our retirement and help out children as young adults. I cannot fathom any other approach in a long marriage with children.

Wait, what? You think it’s weird to ask your spouse how much money they inherited and how they plan to spend it? Or have I misunderstood

All family money here. My dad died 8 years ago and I got a chunk of money and a monthly pension amount, all in the family pot. When his parents go there will be a sizable inheritance and it will all be family money. I find any other way bizarre especially if kids are involved

I inherited almost 200k a couple of years back. I discussed it with my DP (we’re not married but gave kids together, we’re engaged) and we agreed together the best way to send it (we’re buying another property). Although it’s a discussion, if I’d have had a strong preference to do something specific with it he obviously wouldn’t have argued the toss but equally I wouldn’t make plans to spend it without consulting him.

I'd feel that was absolutely correct. My husband got a 6 figure inheritance when we had been married 20+ years (I don't know the exact amount - I never asked). The money was left to him - not to me. It's his money, to spend as he wishes.
I would say the same if it had been the other way around.