Inheritance

[DustyLee123]

How would you feel if DH of a long marriage said that his inheritance was none of your business?

Why not?

When I went back to work I remember him saying that he wouldn’t be taking any days off work if the kids were sick.

Hang on a minute, if the above is true, where did this notion of team and ‘us against the world’ come from? As I suspected he’s always been a bit of a dick but for some reason you didn’t want to face it. You’ve screwed yourself by prioritising someone who views you as an option, which is never a smart move.

Only you can answer why you’ve colluded in your husband treating you as a subordinate. His behaviour over his inheritance can’t surely have been a surprise.

I more or less agree with this. I don't see that you are obliged to share an inheritance. But it would be usual to buy a gift for your partner a few nice things for yourself and the rest save some, some on a holiday perhaps and some on the house. But it's your choice.

We would class it as family money dh inherited a small amount £20k and we jointly discussed what it would be used for and is in the joint savings account I thought I was likely to receive much more when dm passes around £300k and that would also of been classed as family money not going to be an issue now as dsis has convinced dm to change her will

I always find inheritance ones so interesting! I've answered this before, but with the OP as context it's been pretty much family money from my DGM (almost £100k).
The first thing I did was pay off DH's student loan as it was low five figures and costing around 6% interest; that then freed him up to up his ISA savings for our retirement.
There were a couple of ponies things for just me and the kids but 90% was on shoring up family finances and future proofing.

My then DH inherited 2 sums the year we got married. The smaller (2k ish) went straight into the garden renovations we were doing. The larger (>50k) went to pay down the mortgage. That was his lump sum to pay down our mortgage, like my annual bonuses were used. Year after year.

When we divorced and he claimed in court that he felt he was entitled to have his inheritance back decades later, my legal team were simply able to argue that the lump sums I had paid off repeatedly using my bonuses were equivalent-Ish (not far off cash wise) to his inheritance. It was all considered family money as we were married at that time, but not a long marriage at that point.

My advice? Look carefully very carefully at extra money you contribute particularly towards mortgage payoffs or house renovation.

I'm sure it depends how you organise your finances usually and also how comfortable you are financially.

Our finances are joint and we are comfortable so it'd just get chucked in the money pot and we'd carry on as usual. If it was a lot we might think about spending on something unusual.

I just don't understand separate finances, unless one of you can't be trusted to not spend all the savings.

I just don't understand separate finances, unless one of you can't be trusted to not spend all the savings.

Interesting view as I think the same about not trusting when it’s a joint pot.

I am married and my DH has same views to finances as me but if he had insisted on joint finances then it would have been a red flag and we wouldn’t have a relationship, as to me it would be as if he didn’t trust me having my own financial security

I think to some extent it can depend on circumstances such as if a second marriage etc and kids with different partners but if married to the same person and kids just with them then I’d say I’d treat mine as family money.

He sounds like my friend’s husband. They are divorcing. He’s busy trying to hide money everywhere and is adamant that his mother’s house (inheritance) is his, as is his business. The lawyer is going for the jugular and says it’s shared money.

Your marriage doesn’t sound like a partnership. You’re there to breed and raise kids while he squirrels money away for himself. I don’t understand a marriage like this. What’s the point!

I think it’s odd he doesn’t want to discuss this inheritance at all. Yes it’s his, of course it is. But still: ‘C'est le ton qui fait la musique.’

I do think your current financial state would come into the equation.

Presumably the PP upthread who didnt blink when DH got 6 figures and didn't discuss how it was spent have decebt pensions and windows unlike you OP.

In my mind your DH should be considering whether his family are in need of a cash injection, whether the financial needs of his dc and mother of his kids are secure. This would show care and commitment to the family.

Maybe this is the way he will go, he just wants to think about it slowly. If he blows it all on a new car you know where his priorities lie.

Thank you for an interesting perspective. It genuinely wouldn't occurr to me. Different life experiences.

To be fair my dm inherited and let my df have a say in how it was spent and it all went on the house and and random stuff my df wanted and my mum really resented him for it . She felt she had no choice as didn't want to fall out over it
But is still annoyed that the last thing she got from her parents was just wasted on things she could have eventually paid for with wages .
It's probably best to not let this cause a rift in your relationship

jesus Christ, what sort of people have you married……..

if i got inheritance, I’d definitely have my say and how I’d want to use it….however I would definitely share it with my loved ones… and that includes my DH!

I'm 30 years married and when I inherited money it was my money. I did choose to spend quite a bit on improving the house, new car, new caravan. But my husband never asked how much it was and wouldn't have expected to have any say in the spending of it.

We have separate finances btw as I was brought up to be completely independent financially so I would never be dependent upon the whims of a husband.

We’ve been married 16 years, I expect to inherit, probably six figures if care home doesn’t swallow it up. My wife is unlikely to get any. We are trying to carry on as if we don’t expect it and certainly don’t rely on it, but mortgage, pension and kids deposits are on our lists, not for me to spend on personal stuff. Would find it very odd to not even discuss.

I don't see it like this at all.
It's a pot of money in my house respectfully treated ie any relevant expenditure is discussed beforehand .
We have been together 30 years and have both received inheritance's which have gone into the pot and been used to benefit us all /saved .
Neither of us would dream of keeping money to ourselves and not telling the other one the amount .
It absolutely is team money for us, the only exception being birthday money but i know my husband would share his if i let him.

It’s more the attitude. You have been married a long time. I would expect to be told even if the use of the money was another debate.

I understand that Wills go on GRO within weeks of probate being granted. You can find out.

It all depends on how you split your finances usually though doesn’t it? I have married friends who have joint accounts and others who don’t. When I was married we had a joint account and that is why my credit is still recovering due to my ex’s frivolous attitude to money. If everyone pitches in their money to the team then fine, but you shouldn’t assume that everyone does.

It's all team here too.

If you are married and have children, I would consider it family money, but the recipient would have the casting vote.

My husband knows that my inheritance will be my own. My parents have left me £300k in their will. My parents worked for that money for their children's betterment not for my spouses. I won't be sharing it. I will be giving as much as possible to our children. I've actually recently asked my parents to change their will so I will only receive £100k and my kids will split the rest.

My OH's inheritance was spent on things that benefitted us both, paying off the mortgage, home improvements, new car, equipment for our expensive shared hobby, holidays and joint savings.

I'd be fed up if he kept it to himself, that would show how he viewed his own desires above our relationship.