Is this abusive?

[Hanz1985]

Hi all, so last night while at home with my partner something happened and I’m looking for opinions because honestly, I feel my judgement is off at the moment.

I’d baked some cookies and my partner shouted the kids down to try them. His son was tired from a long day out of the house. They turned out much bigger than expected but they were soft, so quite hard to pick up without them breaking in 2. His son sat down next to him and was trying to pick his cookie up without it breaking and whilst picking it up my partner started getting irritated with him with how long it was taking. All of a sudden (his son had his mouth open ready to put the cookie straight in) he grabbed it off him and shoved a handful of it straight into his mouth so it was full to the brim, his eyes welled up straight away and he didn’t know what else to do but stand up and run away upstairs silent crying (he couldn’t cry properly because his mouth was full). I was shocked by what we’d just witnessed. My son said he could have choked then, and he said I hope he does the fucking idiot. I said that isn’t ok what you just did? He made me feel like I was overreacting, we had an argument over it and he basically told me it’s his son so he chooses how to discipline him, no one else and maybe my kids would be better behaved if I followed suit.

Its made me feel sick, my own son has an eating disorder, which is linked to his autism. But knowing how sensitive he is with food and how even certain simple things can cause issues has maybe over triggered me. Or maybe not, how would you address this?

He was abusive to his son,had it been your son he did this to,would he still be in the house? Be very careful as he does seem to have anger issues if he can do this over a cookie not being eaten his way.

Abusive, cruel and disgusting.

Don't let him gaslight you into the fact you have an overreaction problem.

His stance on its my son , I'll choose how to deal with him smacks of property and entitlement

He's vile and I would get rid and report his abuse

His poor son 💔

That's horrible and over nothing. Yes it's abusive

How long do you think it will be before this bully of a partner does this or something similar to "your" son, I am guessing that "his" son doesnt live with you full time but if he does then you need to stop the yours and mine in relation to the children as they should be seen as "ours" if you are both there with them parenting them full time.

That is a horrible thing for you and your child to have witnessed, and really horrible for his son. 100% abusive. Do not ignore this; you've seen who he really is, and his response afterwards cements it. I watched my ex boyfriend do something I thought was terrible to his young adult son, then play it down as "playfighting" afterwards when I expressed my concerns. The boys reaction told me enough to know that this kind of treatment was fairly expected. I should have ran then, but I told myself I'd got it wrong. 6 years down the line and many many sorry tales later, I knew my instincts were correct and am kicking myself allowing all the suffering he caused. Get yourself and your child away from this poor excuse of a man.

It's a little jumbled op. Are you saying he shoved the cookie into his sons mouth?

I'd probably leave him tbh. I'd also tell his son that his dad is a bully and you hope he never grows up to be like him. And that if he ever needs to talk he can call you. And childline.

Hes an abuser. How awful for his son.

Whilst I’d end it as this man is clearly abusive, I’d be so worried about his poor son.
Id report it to social services, the police and the mum - just to get something on record so they’re aware and so he’s aware he’s then being watched.
Poor kid x

Thank you for all of the replies.

Yes he shoved the cookie in his son’s mouth.

I don’t ever use the term his children and my children in general, it’s just really for the purpose of my post. Because I don’t know if I should be highlighting it to my partners mum later on when I see her. He keeps pointing out it’s ’his’ son and I have no say apparently.

I think you knew the answer before posting- its abuse and if he did this to your own child I'm hoping you'd have shown him the door.

As well as being humiliated in front of everyone, imagine how you'd feel if no one stood up for you having food shoved in your face? No wonder the boy ran out.

I left my Ex when there was any potential damage to my children. It always starts with small things but the warning is when someone tells you you're overreacting when your gut says otherwise.

His son may not be your biological son, but when he's under your roof, I'd hope you feel parental responsibility.

Sending you lots of hugs, because there are so many warnings bells here, but it's a whole other ball game to have the courage to walk xx

What he did was abusive and very cruel. I would question if he has been abusive to his son before this incident.
End it. It does not matter who’s child it is, it could be the neighbours kid and no person should do that

while you are at it, give that child a hug and yes absolutely report to his mother.

Fucking hell, how old is his son? Did you comfort him? This cannot be the first time your husband has been abusive, this didn't come from nowhere did it, especially as he followed it up with abusive comments.

Husband would be out on his neck and the boys mother would know exactly why.
I feel sick thinking about witnessing that with anyone, but to someone I love, I would be raging.

I realise my reply isn't helpful, so to answer your question yes it is abusive.

Yes, it's abusive and I hope as time goes on, someone else will do similar to him.
I'm (partially) a carer for my husband, who is three decades older.
He doesn't like big portions on his plate and big mouthfuls, therefore asks for certain foods to be prepared in certain ways.
Attitude from this man made me see red.

What exactly was he disciplining him for? Not eating a cookie quickly enough?

I'd get the fuck away from this nasty abusive bully. If he can do that to his kid in front of you what do you think he's doing behind your back and what do you think he's capable of doing to your kids?

Yes this is abusive. Yes child abuse us everyone's concern. If I saw someone doing this on the street and I could identify them I'd report it to SS.

I definitely feel parental responsibility and treat him exactly the same as my biological children, I love him as my own. Which is probably why it’s upset me so much.

I do everything for him as a parent should except I’m not allowed a say over anything or to have an opinion over anything where he’s concerned. My partner very much takes the reins there, he stays with us 4/5 nights a week. I didn’t get chance to say anything initially as it happened so quickly and my son said he could have choked. By the time he got to the bottom of the stairs a few feet away that’s when I said he shouldn’t have done that. The argument continued this morning, I have the children all day on my own as I do every Sunday until I drop him off later on. I will bring it up to my partners mum x

Oh that poor boy, my heart breaks for him. That sort of thing isn't just physically painful it's humiliating, so so cruel. Wish I could give the poor kid a big hug.

Yes obviously your partner is an abusive bully and I'm amazed you need to ask. Tell the mother and start making arrangements to leave him immediately!

someone like this can’t just have done something like this for the first time

there just be a catalogue of similar examples

and your poor son having to live with his mothers boyfriend who is a vile cretin

Everyone has a say when there is evidence or suspicion of abusive behaviour towards a child.
You are right to be concerned.

Honestly, no I haven’t witnessed anything like this with the children before. He’s said a few things which I’ve found cruel and pulled him up on straight away which he’s apologied for.

how long have you been with him?
so he’s gone straight from a great parent to a vile abuser?

Vile!
Poor boy