Is this abusive?

[Hanz1985]

Hi all, so last night while at home with my partner something happened and I’m looking for opinions because honestly, I feel my judgement is off at the moment.

I’d baked some cookies and my partner shouted the kids down to try them. His son was tired from a long day out of the house. They turned out much bigger than expected but they were soft, so quite hard to pick up without them breaking in 2. His son sat down next to him and was trying to pick his cookie up without it breaking and whilst picking it up my partner started getting irritated with him with how long it was taking. All of a sudden (his son had his mouth open ready to put the cookie straight in) he grabbed it off him and shoved a handful of it straight into his mouth so it was full to the brim, his eyes welled up straight away and he didn’t know what else to do but stand up and run away upstairs silent crying (he couldn’t cry properly because his mouth was full). I was shocked by what we’d just witnessed. My son said he could have choked then, and he said I hope he does the fucking idiot. I said that isn’t ok what you just did? He made me feel like I was overreacting, we had an argument over it and he basically told me it’s his son so he chooses how to discipline him, no one else and maybe my kids would be better behaved if I followed suit.

Its made me feel sick, my own son has an eating disorder, which is linked to his autism. But knowing how sensitive he is with food and how even certain simple things can cause issues has maybe over triggered me. Or maybe not, how would you address this?

Well thankfully they accepted it…I went to the viewing and told them we’re both on the tenancy but our relationship has broken down, I took all my payslips, ID etc they’ve spoken to the landlord and he’s accepted it so the application can start going through today. I guess they could just remove me from the current one once I start the other.

It’s hard as things are not good here but he’s telling me he wants to work things out and has now admitted he overreacted.

It doesn't matter what he tells you OP, he SHOWS you he's a cunt. Of the highest order. Do not fall for his utter bullshit that he's about to start spinning you because he's about to become homeless. RUN! I can tell from that tiny last bit of your last post he's fucking with your head. Block him!

Yes private, if push comes to it yes…I got some backdated money I was owed from somewhere a few months back which has made it possible. I need to rebuy things I can’t take so will have to take airbeds to tide me over til I can buy myself a bed but can afford to get the kids what they need.

I don’t think he’ll be homeless, he can continue the tenancy once I leave.

And yeah, it is messing with my head, it’s so hard and I need a lot of strength these next few weeks to move and work full time, hardly sleeping. I don’t have any support here at all to help me.

Oh that was cruel and yes your P could have choked his son! I'm horrified by this and I think that man is abusing that poor boy. He needs to be protected from his father and I would not want to have a man who treats his own child like that living with me and my DC.
This is a child protection issue and I'm not sure what you need to do. I would seek legal advice. Poor child!

I could only afford to pay both for one month though, I’m sure they can take me off this one, not entirely sure how it works

Just read your last post OP- I would ring Women's Aid if I were you and have no support. I'm so sorry!

He may not be homeless but he stands to lose a lot here and he's trying to claw it back. Lots of us have done it, you'll be fine I promise. You've done the hardest bit getting your living arrangements sorted, just keep going in that direction you can do it! See what benefits you can get and get your cms claim in, you might end up better off than you thought.

He “told his ds’s mum she couldn’t take him to his hobby anymore bc she was a few minutes late?” And she allowed herself to be dictated to like that? Sounds like she’s scared of him too.

He sounds like an abusive, controlling wanker. I’ve never heard the like of this before, shoving a whole cookie into a child mouth bc he wasn’t quick enough?! That is vile, and I’d wonder what he’s like to his ds when no one else is around. It’s making me upset on the boys behalf.

His trying to explain it away as you overreacting and getting the boy (who is likely scared of him too) to say it’s all ok now is just him gaslighting everyone to fuck coz his mask slipped. Youre doing the right thing getting away from this specimen.

Thank you so much. I will contact universal credit, it says online that I’m entitled to help.

I think when I get out of here (the house is available in 2 weeks) I need to talk to my partners sons mum.

Initially she said no, but his mother tends to back him with his decisions so it soon got left. He and his mum takes him to his hobby together each weekend, I do find it strange and I’ve said this to him that he has no right to take over, as you can see most things are a battle but when I ask other people (granted they are his family, friends) they see absolutely nothing wrong, and I question if I’m the problem. This is why I struggle to see perspective, I have no one on my side to bounce these things off.

He's told me now that he overreacted however he shouted him downstairs twice and he did take a few minutes to come down, he was enthralled in the program he was watching, took his time as kids sometimes do. Then the struggle with putting it in his mouth, provoked him he said as he should do as he’s told straight away.

Hats off to you OP.
I am full of admiration with your honesty, particular care for the child and breaking off with this man.

Thank you x

Yes, that is 100% abusive. That poor kid.

I would be wary of allowing someone like that around my child. It won't have been the first time he has behaved that way.

Please report this to social services and explain the choking risk, the lack of remorse and the threat to do it again.

Punish him for what? Picking up a cookie too slowly?

He’s got serious anger issues. Poor child. Sounds like he has a habit of doing nasty, unhinged things, I think social services might help.

any update op?

hoping that you’ve got your children out of this horror

OP this man sounds sadistic and you have duty to act. He didn't even apologise and instead insisted he did the right thing, which means his abuse will continue and it wasn't a one off or done just out of anger.
Definitely contact the mother, social services and the school. Sounds like child is old enough so he also needs to know he can call childline.

This type of abuse has horrendously damaging effect on children. Please take it seriously.

It's not anger issues. It's sadism.

People with anger issues are able to reflect and regret their behaviour after they calm down. This man is very toxic. Poor child.

Read back over this thread if you feel yourself wavering @Hanz1985 Gaslighting is insidious and it is extremely difficult to hold your resolve when you’re reality and perceptions come under fire.

Be wary of potential weakness to criticisms of your parenting. Giving your dc measures of freedom is normal and good - controlling how fast a child eats and what they’re allowed to think is not. Don’t allow this sadistic bully to undermine you.

It’s a chilling story - not just the incident but also everything else - the lack of concern, empathy, remorse, deflection, posturing, entitlement and gaslighting.

Every parent has had a moment or two of overreacting to something - but for most of us that didn’t involve a potential choking hazard or humiliation. There is nothing normal in any of this, and your initial reaction is spot on. Don’t lose that.

How awful for his poor son. The poor boy. There’s no excuse for that cruelty.

I’d be thinking about whether I wanted a man like that around my son, esp considering eating disorders often develop from a sense of lacking control over one’s life.