Is this abusive?

[Hanz1985]

Hi all, so last night while at home with my partner something happened and I’m looking for opinions because honestly, I feel my judgement is off at the moment.

I’d baked some cookies and my partner shouted the kids down to try them. His son was tired from a long day out of the house. They turned out much bigger than expected but they were soft, so quite hard to pick up without them breaking in 2. His son sat down next to him and was trying to pick his cookie up without it breaking and whilst picking it up my partner started getting irritated with him with how long it was taking. All of a sudden (his son had his mouth open ready to put the cookie straight in) he grabbed it off him and shoved a handful of it straight into his mouth so it was full to the brim, his eyes welled up straight away and he didn’t know what else to do but stand up and run away upstairs silent crying (he couldn’t cry properly because his mouth was full). I was shocked by what we’d just witnessed. My son said he could have choked then, and he said I hope he does the fucking idiot. I said that isn’t ok what you just did? He made me feel like I was overreacting, we had an argument over it and he basically told me it’s his son so he chooses how to discipline him, no one else and maybe my kids would be better behaved if I followed suit.

Its made me feel sick, my own son has an eating disorder, which is linked to his autism. But knowing how sensitive he is with food and how even certain simple things can cause issues has maybe over triggered me. Or maybe not, how would you address this?

sadly i’d guess it’s too late and the op has decided to stay

I imagine she’s been pulled back in by this utter monster. The poor kids, all of them.

i know, it’s a tragedy really

” · 15/09/2024 05:27

Punish him for what? Picking up a cookie too slowly?
He’s got serious anger issues. Poor child. Sounds like he has a habit of doing nasty, unhinged things, I think social services might help”

This with bells on.

Thanks for your reply, he did tell me after I pushed him for an apology to his son that he went and apologised to him that night, I’m not convinced as why say for days that he did nothing wrong. But he topped that off with it’s none of my business, that’s why he didn’t tell me he apologised to him. I pointed out that it’s very much my business as I care and parent the children. Now I know more (I’ve been reading up so much on verbal abuse etc this last week as not been sleeping much) I can’t unsee any of how badly he treats the kids and me with his words, it’s controlling and he holds all the power, or thinks he does.

No he hasn’t pulled me back in, it’s done. Sorry no update I’ve done a 50 hour working week, not been feeling very well at all and had my uncle die so it’s been a very full on week or so. But no, he hasn’t convinced me that this is all ok, I can’t unsee any of how bad this is despite everyone around me seeing nothing wrong with it. Thankfully the replies on here have made all the difference x

Thank you so much for your reply. This makes me feel validated as he puts my parenting down constantly. Says I give my children too much freedom for letting them walk to school with their friends, tells me they have no routine, I let them eat too much ( my son is recovering from an eating disorder). I really have doubted myself. But I realise now that I’m normal, and letting my kids have freedom is part of them growing up.

He’s told me many a time his mum wrapped him in cotton wool, and it shows. She rings him constantly and acts like the mother to his son, tells him off, has a say in everything, goes to his sons hobbies on a weekend with him while me and my 2 stay home. Washes his school clothes and sports kit as though I can’t do it quite right. I can see it all now and I think that may be why he’s so controlling as that’s the way he was, and still is parented. My mum died when I was much younger so had no idea if this was normal, but I don’t think it is. Hence her not really caring about the cookie incident.

I’m waffling but nice to get it off my chest, thank you.

when you say it’s done… what do you mean?

He’s told me many a time his mum wrapped him in cotton wool, and it shows. She rings him constantly

A-ha. Any bets his anger problem comes in large part from being totally controlled by his mum. (Doesn’t excuse it - at all). He still chooses to behave how he behaves.

Sorry to see what a terrible time you’ve being having, that is all A LOT happening at once.

@Hanz1985 are you moving out ., unsure what’s happening?

Yes I’m moving out, no good will come from me staying.

do you have a date?

Exactly. A kind, loving father doesn't suddenly turn cold and cruel.

Hats off to you OP. Very glad you will be leaving. When you and your children have safely moved out, please talk to his son's school about your concerns about emotional abuse from his dad. The poor child's mum sounds hopeless also, though possibly she's just very scared of her ex.

Does he know you will be leaving? Please take advice from a domestic abuse service about how to leave safely. Controlling abusers like him can react very badly to loss of control.