Boyfriend is uncomfortable if my nipples show through clothes

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone! Looking for a bit of advice - some background, I'm 33F and bf 29M together 11months and about to move in together - a few months ago, a got dressed quite quickly and threw on a cami top and wasnt wearing a bra - bf and I were living in a flat share at the time, and when he came into the room where I was working he could see down my top and said he could "see everything". He got super upset, not angry but uncomfortable and clearly distressed - we had a really big conversation about it and the result was he didn't want to control what I wear and wants me to feel comfortable - I apologized too as I didn't realize everything would show and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Since then, I've been a bit more aware of what I choose to wear as I don't want to disrespect his boundaries.

Then yesterday, I wore a top that "covered" everything, long sleeves etc. But you could make out the shape of my nipple through the top as I wasn't wearing a bra - it's a new top and I love it, one of those that have tied bows at the front so wearing a bra kind of ruins the esthetic at the front (no actual cleavage was showing, I also have quite a small chest) well again, he looked at me and felt instantly uncomfortable, laughed nervously and put his head in his hands - I put on a bra - part of me wishes I hadn't because I didnt feel comfortable doing something just to make him feel better - I understood when you could see everything when he looked that first time, but seeing the outline of a nipple, and having small boobs so it's not like there's cleavage out for all the world to see - I'm struggling to feel comfortable with his boundary.

I was in a 10 year relationship before this and have always dressed in a similar way, never worrying about what to choose, choosing based on what I feel comfortable and good in - clothes are really important to me and I see it as an expression of who I am - not once did I ever have any problems with this in my previous relationship - he told me he sees it as exposing myself and doesn't want others to see what is private to us. Until now, there's no resolution to the discussion this time round.

He hasn't shown any other controlling behaviour and has apologized, saying he's never had a situation where you could see a gf's nipple through a shirt before and didn't know he would ever react like that, but that it makes him feel really uncomfortable.

It also makes me feel really uncomfortable not being able to choose what I want to wear.

How would you feel about this? Do you think it's a reasonable worry on his part and that I should "be more careful" in what I choose to wear? Or should he try to deal with his own insecurities and avoid projecting them on me?

Thank you for reading!

Thank you all so much for your replies, I've been reading through all of them and from what I've seen most are in agreement that he's crossed a line - I feel comforted in the fact that I wasn't initially overreacting to how uncomfortable it all made me feel, as I mentioned before I was previously in a LTR where this was never a topic of discussion so I just didn't know if I was totally out of touch and by continuing to dress in a certain way that I was disrespecting him/our relationship.

To clarify, the first instance where he could see down my top there were other people in the house so I could somewhat see where he was coming from as I simply hadn't realized, but how upset he got that time definitely set something in motion for me to keep an eye on. So when a similar situation happened yesterday, this time literally just the outline showing in an otherwise modest top, it had me far more concerned.

I've brought it up with him again since posting and highlighted the fact that I've been dressing this way my whole adult life, including when he first met me, so if he's all of a sudden not OK with it then he needs to do some thinking about what's he's ok/not ok with because the way I dress isn't something I'm going to change.

He's again apologized and said he's never been confronted by this before and that amongst his friends / family etc. He hasn't encountered such a situation - whatever that means.

Im going to do some serious thinking and keep an eye out, because what worries me - as mentioned in some of the posts - is what else could be a problem going forward - breastfeeding in public for example, or breastfeeding full stop?

Also to add to @NettleTea and @Icanttakethisanymore you're totally right about my misuse of "boundary" - my boundary is that I don't want to be told what to wear - thank you for highlighting that

He sounds like a man child. Really unattractive.

He hasn't encountered such a situation - whatever that means.

Such a situation? He actually said that? He means nipples? He hasn't encountered nipples before, and apparently nipples are a situation.

Fuck "keeping your eyes open." This man is a fucking idiot so save yourself a lot of wasted time and get rid of him.

I agree - it's definitely a 'him' issue that he's projecting on the situation and it's coming from somewhere - I've told him that he needs to figure out why he's having that reaction and look into himself more - after the second conversation about it today, we've decided the outcome moving forward is that I'll continue to dress as I feel comfortable and he needs to deal with his own insecurity regarding it - if not, it could be an incompatibility issue as you mentioned @LifeExperience

Nah he’s a weirdo. Throw him back. Even if he hadn’t done this I wouldn’t move in with a guy at your age especially a younger one if you’re wanting marriage. It’s a big time wasting exercise and you’ve already wasted ten years on another dud.

lol to never encountering nipples

And yes - your boundary of not accepting a man who tells you what to wear is a good one.

Its u[p to him now if he can live with that. If he cant then really, its no loss, as I suspect as you do, there may be a whole load of stuff he may be hung up about

The first example - tbh I kind of get it. There are other people around and he knows full well that your boobs will be the topic of discussion by other men.

The second example - I don't like the way you describe his head in hands ' jokey' reaction. That feels really infantilising in a controlling way.

If you feel instinctively uncomfortable by how he deals with this then that's your answer.

I do get that sometimes one may not want to have their partner's more intimate parts more ' displayed'. But the choice to wear no bra and nipple on show is yours at the end of the day not his. He has every right to maturely and respectfully say something makes him uncomfortable and why. It doesn't sound like he did it quite that way.

Exactly! I was super direct and clear about how it made me feel and made sure to clearly state how things will be going forward - I know it's easy to say 'dump him' when reading about an isolated case on mumsnet, but relationships are so multifaceted and this is the first and only thing that has made me second guess things - so I'm willing to give him a chance on it now that MY boundary has clearly been put in place and if he can't deal with it, then there's my answer

Very tired of people forgetting female nipples are on our bodies in case we need to feed a baby. Sure, find them sexy like legs are sexy, but they aren’t genitals. I wonder if your man wears two t shirts in case he gets a visible chill and thinks tomee tippie products are sexually explicit. Good on you for sticking to your guns.

DW rarely wears a bra, hates them, her nipples often show, doesn’t bother me at all, though I will occasionally jokingly ask her if it’s cold, if other men look, so what, can’t pretend I’ve never looked

So he's offended by your body when no one else can see it?

What a twat.

🚩Run! 🚩

There is nothing wrong with seeing nipples through clothes. You do not have to conceal them with extra layers of fabric, or nipple covers, or moulded or padded bras. It is also essential that you feel able to be yourself, comfortable in your own body, in your own home.

It sounds as though moving in together has triggered possessive, claiming, controlling behaviour in your BF. It will likely get worse.

Or perhaps he'll turn squeamish, and then where will you be? Unable to ever be naked, or ill, or breastfeed in front of him, for starters.

(I've never understood adding yet more bulk and insulation to the existing globes of fat we cart around! I avoid bras where possible, but when I feel I must, they're made of sheer lace. As for those bleeping Napoleon pockets on the breast area of women's waterproof jackets … 🤯😤🤬).

I mentioned his own nipples showing to him, and he replied as some here have: "what if the outline of my penis was showing?" - nipples do not equal genitalia!!

And the funny thing is, he's still in the stage of wearing overly tight jeans and you can definitely get a view of what's going on down there when he does wear them - I have never mentioned that to him before until today (!) but with the strong note that it in no way makes ME feel uncomfortable because it's something HE chooses to wear.

I find it a bit odd!
I mean if you choose to have children and bf them then at some point you will flash a nipple or in my case forget your shirt is open and answer the door to the postman when a baby decides to fling themselves backwards for no reason with no warning!

It's good that you've had a chat but he clearly needs to grow up! I mean what if you decide to sunbathe topless on holiday (in a accepting country of it)!

Agreed, which is why I didn't overly read into the first situation, but it definitely triggered something to look out for - this second time concretes the fact that he has something he needs to deal with.

The fact that what to wear is firmly my choice has been clearly set and he's accepted it and knows that that's where my boundary lies.

I take it that sex will be completely out of the question. He’d have apoplectic turn.
Treat him very gently OP, until you can get rid of him.

He's again apologized and said he's never been confronted by this before and that amongst his friends / family etc. He hasn't encountered such a situation - whatever that means.

Is he really trying to say he never noticed a woman's nipples through her clothing ? Because if he is - I call him out. He's spent 29 yrs on this planet and I'm sure his eyes have glanced more than once at women's boobs where he would have noticed on occasion - NIPPLES.

Watch this one - I'd be putting brakes on moving in. You're already watching what you wear - slippery slope here.

Exactly!! I brought up all those scenarios - to the breastfeeding, he was like "no no, that's different, then the purpose is to feed the baby and I'd be totally ok with that" - which I'm having serious doubts about because I doubt your ingrained perception towards nipples suddenly change once a baby is on the scene - I don't know, maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?

As for topless on the beach, I also mentioned that/ going to a nudist beach as I have done both before meeting him and he said he wouldn't show his penis on the beach, so why would I show my boobs? Ufffff

Yep, the whole situation feels like a really immature and unnecessary topic - also seriously wondering if he has a lot of growing up to do and is being a bit man-childy

I've tried to get to the bottom of this - I kept pushing and asking the same questions as you - he's said it's not jealousy and that he completely trusts me and knows I have good intentions, but that for him it feels like I'm "exposing" myself and allowing other people to see a part of me that's private

Oh no! So the default setting, nipples at rest in clothes, is for the purpose of… being drooled over? Not, say, none at all? To be honest, I think a lot of people probably do think that way, it would explain why so many women are self conscious of theirs themselves or have a problem the way your partner does - so I guess in a way, while it’s wrong, I could see it as not being a red flag if he did ‘get’ it in the end.

Darling please don't wear those trousers I can see the outline of your dick and I don't want you exposing what is private to us,

this 😂

Hmmmm - so people who are socially conditioned might not be able to articulate well what the issue is.they might also have an extreme reaction to something which seems fine to you or I’d be inquisitive but is equally make room for the possibility they he’s not the guy for me, and if necessary, move on.

The thing that saddens me about all of this, is that I've worked so hard to not be the self-conscious type and since being in my late 20's/30's feel totally comfortable just being me - and now, all of a sudden I'm looking down to see if the mere outline of my nipple is showing - I did it today as we were walking down the street and felt so shit and small - hence, posting here to see if I was overreacting or not