Boyfriend is uncomfortable if my nipples show through clothes

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone! Looking for a bit of advice - some background, I'm 33F and bf 29M together 11months and about to move in together - a few months ago, a got dressed quite quickly and threw on a cami top and wasnt wearing a bra - bf and I were living in a flat share at the time, and when he came into the room where I was working he could see down my top and said he could "see everything". He got super upset, not angry but uncomfortable and clearly distressed - we had a really big conversation about it and the result was he didn't want to control what I wear and wants me to feel comfortable - I apologized too as I didn't realize everything would show and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Since then, I've been a bit more aware of what I choose to wear as I don't want to disrespect his boundaries.

Then yesterday, I wore a top that "covered" everything, long sleeves etc. But you could make out the shape of my nipple through the top as I wasn't wearing a bra - it's a new top and I love it, one of those that have tied bows at the front so wearing a bra kind of ruins the esthetic at the front (no actual cleavage was showing, I also have quite a small chest) well again, he looked at me and felt instantly uncomfortable, laughed nervously and put his head in his hands - I put on a bra - part of me wishes I hadn't because I didnt feel comfortable doing something just to make him feel better - I understood when you could see everything when he looked that first time, but seeing the outline of a nipple, and having small boobs so it's not like there's cleavage out for all the world to see - I'm struggling to feel comfortable with his boundary.

I was in a 10 year relationship before this and have always dressed in a similar way, never worrying about what to choose, choosing based on what I feel comfortable and good in - clothes are really important to me and I see it as an expression of who I am - not once did I ever have any problems with this in my previous relationship - he told me he sees it as exposing myself and doesn't want others to see what is private to us. Until now, there's no resolution to the discussion this time round.

He hasn't shown any other controlling behaviour and has apologized, saying he's never had a situation where you could see a gf's nipple through a shirt before and didn't know he would ever react like that, but that it makes him feel really uncomfortable.

It also makes me feel really uncomfortable not being able to choose what I want to wear.

How would you feel about this? Do you think it's a reasonable worry on his part and that I should "be more careful" in what I choose to wear? Or should he try to deal with his own insecurities and avoid projecting them on me?

Thank you for reading!

There is nothing wrong with nipples showing through clothes in or outside of the home with the exception of work situations where it's less appropriate. I've always wondered why people are offended by seeing nipples showing through clothes yet it's totally acceptable to show as much cleavage as possible without everything falling out. It doesn't make sense.😂

I don't see it as hugely controlling myself. I could go out in certain outfits and because I'm a 38D know that if it's low cut, I run the risk that pervey men might be having a good look. Personally, I don't feel comfortable over having no control over what sort of person gets a good eyeful.

And I think this is the crucial point…. I can’t imagine my OH voicing an opinion about what i wore. I guess he might if he thought I wasn’t aware of how it looked and he though I would want to change if I knew, however, if I didn’t, he wouldn’t bat an eyelid. None of his self esteem is caught up in what I wear or what people think about how I look.

I'd get the hell away from him. 'everything on show'- you're fully clothed!?

If a man was wearing a t shirt and his nipples were erect what that be some sort of 'invitation'?

Your bf is a misogynistic arse. I very rarely wear a bra. I certainly won't be told when I'm permitted to not wear one? In my own fucking house.

I'd be inclined to inquire if a large Hessian sack and gaffer tape over my mouth would be his sartorial preference for me?

OP is naked under her clothes?!

Good heavens! Won't somebody please think of the children?!

Just throwing it out there, but I actually see Kanye West as exhibited controlling and coercive behaviour over his partner, just in the opposite sense.

Which is fine… because you don’t feel comfortable. That’s totally different to her OH having an issue when she’s fine about it

It’s nipples. You’re not laying in the middle of the street naked with your legs wide open.

He needs to get over it. I don’t wear a bra and yeah my nipples can be visible through my tops. My dh doesn’t care.

To go against PPs, i can sort of understand him. I have recently noticed the trend for not wearing a bra. It makes me look twice at uncontrolled boobs wobbling about. (The same with bikini bottoms up the arse). Too much information for me! Don't want to see it. Pretty much the same way i imagine no-one wants me braless or bum on show.

For a man though, i think it is sort of the same thing but different. He notices other women's boobs, but does not want other men feeling what he feels about yours.

Sometimes the simplest silliest things show the difference in a couple.

I never wear a bra. I've always hated them. I don't give a fuck what other people think or say.

I'd tell him to get to fuck.

Ye gods,OP. Does he think they belong to him/should be policed by him? Rubbish. And - unlike what others have suggested - they are not genitalia. They are there to feed babies. They've been fetishised by the porn industry. Time for him to think about how he relates to that.

All mammals have nipples - humans, dogs, cats etc etc - even mice. (I once found a dead mouse killed by a cat - she had clearly been feeding young. So they would have died also. Absolutely horrid.)

Does your boyfriend drink milk in his tea/coffee? Has he ever been to a dairy farm? If not, he should go and educate himself. Where does he think milk comes from, if not the nipples (teats) of cows.

That post wins today's most ridiculous post on MN prize. OP, please read
LoveSandbanks, DingDongDell70 and Birdseyetrifle's posts.

He wouldn’t have coped with the 60s then…very few of if us young women wore a bra at all ! Anywhere. I have to nowadays as they are not so perky, but if they were I wouldn’t wear one..I hate the things. Bras that is,not boobs.
i don’t wear them at home,and luckily my partner still loves them.

With that behaviour I would be concerned that there is something odd about him or disturbing about his upbringing.

Could you turn it round on him and say you can see the outline of his….banana and tangerines or whatever - and observe his reaction to that.

Then take him for a winter break on the beach in Fuerteventura (swimwear entirely optional)

You guys realise she's on about not wearing a bra at HOME not on the street in the comfort of her own home if she wishes to walk around in 0 clothes that's her choice

Run, like the gingerbread man

Tell him not to look!

So he shrugs, his shoulders, saying “Sorry, I didn’t know I would react like this to seeing nipples under clothes?” But rather than thinking that perhaps his gut reaction is unreasonable (likely rooted in misogyny and ideas about women being tasteful and demure in ‘public’), his solution is for you to cover yourself to his liking? With no regard for your feelings on the matter of how you look and dress?

I wonder how many other aspects of your femaleness he will have a reaction to, when they present themselves at some point?

Run, like Forest Gump

I have dresses where it is impossible to wear a bra and IDGAF what other people think. I am comfortable in my own skin and if my boyfriend of a few months told me to cover up I'd be telling him to jog on.

If you ever get a piano with a turned leg remember to get floor length cloth to cover it ,as not to upset Victorian standards boyfriend.

OP not been back, everyone talking about nipples? Hmmmmmm.

Why is it so important for you to have your nipples on show?

This in spades. Please take heed of the thin end of the wedge comments. This is how it starts, he's testing your boundaries.

What the actual fuck.