Boyfriend is uncomfortable if my nipples show through clothes

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone! Looking for a bit of advice - some background, I'm 33F and bf 29M together 11months and about to move in together - a few months ago, a got dressed quite quickly and threw on a cami top and wasnt wearing a bra - bf and I were living in a flat share at the time, and when he came into the room where I was working he could see down my top and said he could "see everything". He got super upset, not angry but uncomfortable and clearly distressed - we had a really big conversation about it and the result was he didn't want to control what I wear and wants me to feel comfortable - I apologized too as I didn't realize everything would show and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Since then, I've been a bit more aware of what I choose to wear as I don't want to disrespect his boundaries.

Then yesterday, I wore a top that "covered" everything, long sleeves etc. But you could make out the shape of my nipple through the top as I wasn't wearing a bra - it's a new top and I love it, one of those that have tied bows at the front so wearing a bra kind of ruins the esthetic at the front (no actual cleavage was showing, I also have quite a small chest) well again, he looked at me and felt instantly uncomfortable, laughed nervously and put his head in his hands - I put on a bra - part of me wishes I hadn't because I didnt feel comfortable doing something just to make him feel better - I understood when you could see everything when he looked that first time, but seeing the outline of a nipple, and having small boobs so it's not like there's cleavage out for all the world to see - I'm struggling to feel comfortable with his boundary.

I was in a 10 year relationship before this and have always dressed in a similar way, never worrying about what to choose, choosing based on what I feel comfortable and good in - clothes are really important to me and I see it as an expression of who I am - not once did I ever have any problems with this in my previous relationship - he told me he sees it as exposing myself and doesn't want others to see what is private to us. Until now, there's no resolution to the discussion this time round.

He hasn't shown any other controlling behaviour and has apologized, saying he's never had a situation where you could see a gf's nipple through a shirt before and didn't know he would ever react like that, but that it makes him feel really uncomfortable.

It also makes me feel really uncomfortable not being able to choose what I want to wear.

How would you feel about this? Do you think it's a reasonable worry on his part and that I should "be more careful" in what I choose to wear? Or should he try to deal with his own insecurities and avoid projecting them on me?

Thank you for reading!

I didn’t mean to tag you @lazzapazza but don’t know how to undo it 😂

Womens breasts are sexualised whether people like it or not. If they weren’t, there wouldn’t have been an abundance of women particularly in the early 2000’s going for breast enhancement surgery. Take page 3 and Play Boy… tits were always on show.

Yes they are designed for feeding our babies but sadly in the male dominated world we live in, they are a sexualised part of a women’s body and that’s why he’s got a problem with it. Women don’t see them as such but it’s not a woman’s world is it sadly. Men get to decide sigh

This!

Is he paranoid about his nipples being visible?

I'd tell him to get over it or get lost.

OP? Are you still there?

I agree with this. If it’s your own home with just the two of you obv you can wear what you want, but the fact it’s a flat share as this PP says means that there are other ppl around. I’d have thanked my partner for telling me you could see everything if I was in a communal area and oblivious as I wouldn’t choose to walk around topless in front of other ppl.

Breasts are sexual, whether we like it or not. Yes we should be able to wear whatever the hell we choose, but to deny that cleavage and nipples are viewed as sexual by most ppl (as well as providing milk for our babies obv 🙄) is trying to prove a point that men shouldn’t be looking. Research has shown that men and women look at large breast/cleavage/nipples in their vicinity the same amount. Our eyes are drawn to them.

If you were single, it is up to you what you wear. And I know I’ll get hate for this but if you are in a relationship, I do think you have to be considerate of that person’s feelings. NOT wear thick, high necked, long sleeve tops at all times obviously, but just reflect how you’d feel if they were to wear clothing that accentuates their sexuality while in front of other ppl. You may not care, it’s up to every individual in every relationship.

It’s difficult to draw a parallel with men bc anything regarding clothing that reveals their penis is seen as amusing, disgusting, or threatening to a lot of women. It’s not quite the same thing. I guess the nearest would be if they had a great physique and went around topless a lot - but again this would be more comical/sad and not a turn on for most women.

If this is the only issue in your relationship I’d say perhaps be mindful of his feelings and wear nipple covers when out so that you don’t have to ruin the aesthetic of your tips with a bra - presuming the desired look isn’t specifically to display your nipples.

If it’s one of several issues pertaining to what you wear, or how you socialise etc then perhaps view as a red flag as I agree it could be the thin end of the edge to more controlling behaviours.

I know, right.

I'd be recommending he wears a couple of nice sticky bits of gaffer tape...

Im of an older generation (mid 50’s) and went topless on the beach. I rarely wear a bra and frequently leave the house with my nipples visible through clothes. Frankly, if they were still in the right place I’d do it more often. My husband would rather criticise my parenting skills (which are, unquestionably, brilliant) than suggest an outfit is too revealing. He’s known me long enough to know that it would end badly for him.

we have sons, and if one told me his girlfriends nipples made him uncomfortable I’d have take away his mobile phone.

the absolute only comment that should come from a boyfriends lips regarding the clothing choices of his girlfriend should be “that looks nice”

this is how coercive control starts. They apologise, and play the innocent victim, they tell you they don’t want to be controlling blah blah.

BULLSHIT. Be very careful and do not move in with him. Get you exit plan ready.

This. He’s starting to control you and make you doubt yourself.

I’d have thanked my partner for telling me you could see everything if I was in a communal area and oblivious as I wouldn’t choose to walk around topless in front of other ppl.

But it's nothing like being topless, FFS. She's wearing clothes. It's the outline of her body he's objecting to, and he can get over his sensitive self. Wearinf a T shirt or camisole isn't comparable to being topless.

Haven't read the whole thread.

I think it's all very well to point out that someone's nipples might be showing through their top if they were on their way to work or a fancy function and might prefer to have the chance to change. But you should feel able to wear whatever you want, wherever you like (while observing any work dress code), and if you are comfortable going braless, that's totally fine. In your own house, it's perfectly OK to walk around naked if you so wish. Therefore, your boyfriend is being ridiculous, and also a bit sexist. Does he ever walk around shirtless? Do his nipples show through his T-shirts? Thought so. What's the difference, really?

Edited for typo.

I don't get it. If you're in your flat together, why would other people see?

In my book, his behaviour is controlling and a major red flag. 🚩 🚩 🚩
Please reconsider moving in with him. Pleas consider ending this relationship. He is being unreasonable. You can wear whatever you wish, wherever you want. He gets no say, it’s your body.

He’s trying to make it sound as though he’s protecting you and has only your best interests at heart, but he’s really not.

😂😂😂

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He needs to grow up

Major red flag, he's letting his boundaries down so the red flags are coming out. There will be more I'm afraid. This is not good op. Please consider leaving it won't go away I suspect this is the tip of the ice berg and he's starting to show you who he really is

This 100% ^^

He loves you, he doesn't want some to see the body he loves.
Not in a bad or controlling way, healthy way.
But 11 months is not long, keep an eye on it

I don't think you can set "boundaries" around what someone else wears. Preferences, perhaps.

Also how soon after getting together did you move into this house share with him? It all seems to have progressed very fast.

Bin.

Put it this way. When my DH wears something a little…cosy…indoors, I say nothing.

If he’s about to leave the house and there’s a danger of someone weighing his meat and two veg by mistake in Sainsbury’s, I’ll tell him. Thankfully, he’ll listen to me but if he didn’t, that’s on him.

Maybe OP can help him remove them next time?

just as an aside. This isnt HIS BOUNDARY.

this is controlling.

You dont make boundaries that tell others what to do. A boundary reinforces what you will do/ accept.

so he can decide that he doesnt want to be with someone who wears clothes that reveal their nipples, and then thats up to him to square the circle with. either he can live with it or he cannot. and if he cannot then he needs to end the relationship.

However he has no right to tell you what to wear - I think its OK to mention that you can see down your top - just in case you were not aware - but to make a big fuss, to throw your head into your hands and have a breakdown, well thats just manipulative behaviour.

I thought the same - he can’t have a boundary about what OP wears, that’s totally the wrong vocab so don’t use it. It reinforces his position.

He needs to get over himself, it's the outline of a nipple ffs