Why don’t my kids realise how shit their father is?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

Exh and I married 17 years, together 20. Had dd1 about 1 year into the marriage and it was fine at first, I was on mat leave, he did his share of the night shift. Moved nearer my parents and when I went back to work he did very little. I did all the nursery runs etc. He had an emotional affair with a trainee at work, I got pregnant again. Next 14/15 years I did absolutely everything for the kids, still working in a very professional job, turned down promotion opportunities because I knew he would never step up. He would sabotage any attempt I had to have a social life or exercise.
2022 I find out he is having an affair. Paying a woman he met online to meet in hotel rooms for sex. Had been diverting household income for months. I agreed to counselling, he was still being evasive, turns out he had been shagging prostitutes in hotel rooms during the working day for at least 10 years.
At that point I kicked him out.
kids see him twice a week. He pays the bare minimum child support despite being a very high earner. He never, ever puts them first. But today I was in my dd1’s room sorting laundry and she has bought him a rosette which says best dad ever.

How will it benefit your children to know this?

I get that it must be so frustrating to have done all the hard work and felt so unsupported to then have your kids worship him. He's their dad though, they love him unconditionally. Just feel how you feel, rant to a friend, but keep it from your DDs (as you must have been doing all this time, well done you!).

Being a shitty husband is not the same as being a shitty dad.

Your children don't see him the way you do.

He sees them regularly and pays support, he isn't shit to them.

He was an absolute bastard to you, so your feelings towards him are understandable.

It wouldn't make you happy if your kids hated him and were upset about their relationship with him being crap.

They will figure it out in their own time. These men always out themselves eventually. Don’t say anything bad to your children about him because despite him being absolutely awful, he’s still their dad and they love him. No child wants to hear bad things about their parents, especially the other parent. It’s damaging to them so please be the bigger person. You aren’t innocent in this either. You allowed him to get away with not stepping up for a long time. You should’ve put your foot down much earlier. But it’s in the past now and you can’t change it. At least you had a career to support you when your marriage ended. Be grateful for that and for the fact that you never caught any diseases because off him. Try to focus on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. Be grateful you’re healthy. Be grateful you found out the truth. Be grateful you are able to support yourself and your children financially. Be grateful you are free to live your live as you please without a cheating rat bag man child hanging around your neck like a millstone. Be grateful you can enjoy your life without his bullshit. Be grateful your children are healthy. Whatever it is, focus on the good stuff and F this guy. You’re better than him. Don’t give him any more of your headspace. He doesn’t deserve it. Just love your children and forget about him. Grey rock technique for when you have to communicate with him about the kids. Sorry this has happened to you.

He has been a shitty dad though. He spent thousands of pounds on prostitution which could have put our kids through university. And he was never there when they needed him. Shortly after we split I had breast cancer - he did nothing to support the kids through that.

DS is 16 now and he's starting to see for himself how shit a dad his real dad is versus his step dad. He didn't need it pointing out, he figured it out.

Why are you in such a rush for them to experience that pain?

It's a process and their relationship/ journey with their father.

I understand just how devastating this is and you honestly deserve a LOT better OP. He is a shit husband, a shit dad and a shit person.

But at the end of the day, the kids want a dad and they probably just want him to love them. Of course you are the one who is actually there for them but you can't expect your children to find it easy to completely shun their father off. Eventually, they will realise.

I hope they do at least prefer you to their dad?

It's your point of view. Not your childrens' at tge moment.

Let it go.

Sounds very similar to my exH. Your children will be very much aware of his failings. Sometimes their actions belie their true feelings and their knowledge. It hurts, at first sight, but underneath it all they will be under no illusion.

If I were the OP I’d be bitter and resentful too. When they’re older, I’d definitely put them in the picture. They need to know what their mother has been through.

I would hope your children have no idea of the shit he has been and the stuff he has done. You don't have that conversation with them at all or at least not untill they are in their late 20s with some life experience behind them, otherwise you will just get the blame.

The don't see that it's you that has kept them all ticking over, you are just good ol' dependable mum but they will do. Probably when they have their own children.

They are more than likely aware how shit he is.

They don't need to buy you a 'Best Mum Ever' rosette as it's obvious to them and you don't let them down.

While they have already realised they need to buy the little scraps of attention he does give them with shit like the rosette.

I wouldn’t let go the fact he pays no /very little money despite being a high earner. Money for the kids went on prostitution instead.

That's fair.

But the children don't have her point of view at the moment. Which is also fair.

What will you do about it?
Tell the kids?

Its hugely damaging for childrens identity and emotional health to have shit parents.

Its made worse when they know this or when someone tries to point this out all the time

Their father is half of them, he made them, they are made of him, its like knowing and being told half of you is shit.

They will know it or at least understand his failings one day, if not now, but its not a failing of theirs to not see/reference/acknowledge/say/feel that their dad is shit.

I think sometimes they just judge at face value and have no expectations

It's really tough, but they'll get it eventually

I would feel like you op. I’ve never been in that situation but I’m ashamed to say I wouldn’t have the emotional strength to be the bigger person, I’d have to be real and honest with my kids, even if it meant hurting their feelings. I couldn’t live a lie and talk nicely or be even tempered about man that behaved like that. I don’t know how women do it.

I was about 20 when the penny dropped. But it wasn't until I became a mother myself that I really got it. I get why you feel as you do. But in many ways this false ideal of their father will be serving them well and it's better they're older before they get hurt by learning for themselves he can't be relied upon to put them first.

Kids love tend to love their parents even if they parents are at war with each other.

I think with time they will work out he is rubbish dad. But for now… it’s better not to let you’re kids each involved with you’re war… it will hurt them very much

Well to be fair I've not read anything except the title and your first line but it took you 20 years to figure it out?

A decent dad wouldn’t treat the mother of his children so badly. A decent man wouldn’t use sex workers.
Just seen the latest post about the breast cancer. I hope you are well OP. He’s a see you next Tuesday.