Why don’t my kids realise how shit their father is?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

Exh and I married 17 years, together 20. Had dd1 about 1 year into the marriage and it was fine at first, I was on mat leave, he did his share of the night shift. Moved nearer my parents and when I went back to work he did very little. I did all the nursery runs etc. He had an emotional affair with a trainee at work, I got pregnant again. Next 14/15 years I did absolutely everything for the kids, still working in a very professional job, turned down promotion opportunities because I knew he would never step up. He would sabotage any attempt I had to have a social life or exercise.
2022 I find out he is having an affair. Paying a woman he met online to meet in hotel rooms for sex. Had been diverting household income for months. I agreed to counselling, he was still being evasive, turns out he had been shagging prostitutes in hotel rooms during the working day for at least 10 years.
At that point I kicked him out.
kids see him twice a week. He pays the bare minimum child support despite being a very high earner. He never, ever puts them first. But today I was in my dd1’s room sorting laundry and she has bought him a rosette which says best dad ever.

Despite what some people think, children will often ignore how shirty their parents are to maintain a relationship with them.

Part of realising your parents are shit often leads to self esteem issues.

In all honesty, I'd probably prefer my kids to not realise their fathers a useless prick if it means they won't look at themselves and think, why wasn't I worth being a decent parent to? Why wasn't I worth the effort? Because it just leads to anger.

They'll realise when they're old enough to be married and have kids of their own, and it won't be quite as hurtful then.

I wasn't able to accept my father was shit when I was younger, but in my 30s, I was able to with no inward reflection about how little I meant to him, and what that meant about my worth as a human.

Yes it is. He broke up their intact family with his horrendous behaviour. A good father does not mistreat the mother of his children.
Besides, she said he didn't do fuck all to raise them, it was all on her. Not a good dad.

It's a grown up point of view of the dad.

We need to respect that a child has another view of the dad.

Children often grow into the grown up view in time though.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, OP, but look at it this way; you excused, forgave and put up with his awful behaviour for a very long time. So why would it surprise you that your kids follow suit? You were an adult and you still accepted him as is, even though he completely sucks. They're just kids, so how would they know any better?
This is an important reason why we must leave men who mistreat us and leave all the childcare to us- so our kids will never think such lopsided relationships are acceptable and hopefully will never stay in one themselves.

I agree with that.

They will. Eventually. You can't push it or hurry it otherwise you will look petty. Let it play out in due course.

Agreed. He unequivocally sucks as both a husband and a father.

It's the most devastating thing in the world to have a shit parent who didn't really give a stuff ( if that's happening - sorry skipped through posts).

Children will always block this out as a survival instinct. Once into adulthood it will rear it's head in some way. It may take a lifetime. For example years of therapy and self assessment later I finally realised 'wow, that behaviour then and now is so utterly rejecting and agonising yet on some level I always knew - I just had to stuff it down somewhere to survive '

Seeing the upset in my child's eyes when I slip up and tutt or do an eye roll about his dad ( ex), is enough to bring me back into the room and grow up. He's actually a good guy for the most part. What I'm trying to say is that you want them to get through their childhood without realising this as much as is possible.

I sympathise OP, but remember that the children never wanted to have to "choose sides". I was extremely hurt and angry with my ex when we split up, but it was my battle - not that of my children. My children grew up and they have a healthy relationship with their father, but they also have a strong bond to their step-Dad and to myself as they know who were there for them day-to-day and who supported them to be who they wanted to be in life.🌷 Chin-up, the realisation will dawn without you needing to say a word.

Haven't RTFT. It's actually a good thing they don't realise this, as when they do it will destroy a part of them

My dm in her 70s still tells me almost daily about how shit my dad was - he died a few years ago - I never wanted to hear it and still don’t. Awful. It affects your child’s confidence as parents are part of them. They also then have a feeling of responsibility for their ‘bad’ parents’ actions towards you, their other parent.

Edit my parents split over thirty years ago so I’ve heard it that whole time