Why don’t my kids realise how shit their father is?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

Exh and I married 17 years, together 20. Had dd1 about 1 year into the marriage and it was fine at first, I was on mat leave, he did his share of the night shift. Moved nearer my parents and when I went back to work he did very little. I did all the nursery runs etc. He had an emotional affair with a trainee at work, I got pregnant again. Next 14/15 years I did absolutely everything for the kids, still working in a very professional job, turned down promotion opportunities because I knew he would never step up. He would sabotage any attempt I had to have a social life or exercise.
2022 I find out he is having an affair. Paying a woman he met online to meet in hotel rooms for sex. Had been diverting household income for months. I agreed to counselling, he was still being evasive, turns out he had been shagging prostitutes in hotel rooms during the working day for at least 10 years.
At that point I kicked him out.
kids see him twice a week. He pays the bare minimum child support despite being a very high earner. He never, ever puts them first. But today I was in my dd1’s room sorting laundry and she has bought him a rosette which says best dad ever.

That's not really the issue is it?

The issue is the children love their dad and at the moment don't realise the parents' complicated relationship and the father's bad choices in life. They most likely will in a few years.

He's a shitty dad and a shitty person by the sounds of it. But he is her dad and he's the only dad she's got. She didn't choose him - you did. So yes, it may be annoying to you that his children love him no matter what. But they are making the best of the hand that was dealt to them. Presumably (hopefully) they know nothing about his use of prostitutes and general unfaithfulness.

My dad used to go on and on and onnnn about what a shit human my mother was. He was furious that we spoke to her, spitting mad at us that we had a relationship with her.
One day I'd had enough and told him HE is the one that chose to marry her. HE chose to have children with her. So why is he mad at us about it?
Of course that went down like a lead balloon but I'd say the same to you.
Your children are making the best of the life you gave them.

I don't agree with kids will find out later and don't need to know now. I found out about family members in my 30s and it felt like my whole childhood was a lie. People think it's best to protect children from the truth but then they find out and become resentful for being lied to. Of course they don't need to know the ins and outs of his dealings with prostitutes but he is not to be trusted and kids need to learn if someone isn't a good person then they should stay away, father or not. I would have appreciated the facts though without the emotional drama with it. It will then make sense to them why the relationship broke down.

None of us are perfect. We all have pros and cons. But children generally just love their parents.
It does them no good to hear negative things about one/or both of their parents. It is even worse if it's one parent being negative about the other parent. As this makes them feel disloyal in both directions

Children do tend to see things in a new light at different stages of life. But even the. It is best just to listen/support and be neutral/Not bad mouth the other parent. Allow them the time and space to form their own opinions. And accept that day x they may say dad is awful by in day y them may still give them a best day mug and speak fondly if them.
We can know our parents negative traits but still love them and show that

It takes time. I thought the sun shined out of my dad’s backside when I was younger and my mum and dad had split. She was angry, nagging, grumpy. We would see my dad once a week for a couple of hours of pure fun. He would splash money on us and we’d have a great time.

When I got a little older, maybe 18 onwards? I started to realise how much work my mum had put in to look after us. I’m now 31 and a mum myself and only now do I realise the sacrifices she made and what a total shit he was.

It’ll come in time. You’re a great mum x

OP I have a shit dad. I am in my 30s now and my parents divorced when I was 10. I sort of knew he was shit at 10 but jt was too painful to acknowledge so I sort of pushed it deep inside me and ignored it. I wanted to pretend he was great and love him and feel the love back. I still love him now and see him but privately I know he’s a bit of a dickhead.

ive only recently said to my mum i realise what’s she done for me and been through and i will always love her the most and always have done. I think it meant a lot to her, it’s been so hard for her to watch him be the fun one and she was the homework and vegetables mum. Bit tbh she was always the one.

I agree with @Hardknocks

The temptation to enlighten them about the reality of their Disney Dad is hard to resist but it does children no good to have to struggle with the anxiety and complexity of knowing a parent has done them serious wrong while wanting to love and see the good in that parent at the same time.

They can learn the reality of your split when they're much older and have had the opportunity to observe his behaviour over time and perhaps develop their own insights that he isn't quite what he cracks himself up to be.

My ex also hid an enormous amount of money from the family that he secretly spent on himself so I 100 percent get the rage and frustration of thinking about what could have been if not for his selfishness. He's now a very part-time dad who occasionally splashes out with expensive gifts for the kids and it can be hard to see the kids have stars in their eyes about that.

But even though mine are only tweens, little things they say and do show me that all of their own accord they are starting to pick up that mum is the one who makes everything run smoothly, and dad likes to spend money on himself, he's not very good at thinking about other people and he's not always good for his word.

Well it took you 20 years didn't it. You can't expect them to have the same view as you as he's their dad, much different when it's a partner/spouse. He's still active in their lives and they will realise one day how much you've done for them. I'm sorry this happened to you, he's disgusting

Give it time, they will come to realise. How old are they? I'd say their blindness to it could continue to about 16yrs, but after that they will come to realise. Probably best not to do warts and all before then, you can gradually let bits sink in, such as infidelity - maybe leave the prostitute aspect till later. You shouldn't criticise him, but you you can give them the facts to let them form their own opinion, particularly if they ask.

Christ some of the replies here are depressing. Of course he’s a shit dad!!! Someone who treats the mother of their children badly IS A SHIT DAD. Some people have dire low standards honestly.
Your kids will realise op. They will still be hoping he can be the dad they imagine, of course, he isn’t. And they already know he might not be because he’s treated you so badly he no longer is in the family unit, with you. This is a lesson learnt over the long game- that shit standards are not to be accepted and you don’t have to accept them. That’s what you’re teaching them. They’ll see the rest when they’re older and realise that really, all he’s done is let them down. Lots of luck & strength to you. Well done. He’s a prick. X

Have you ever read the relationships forum? Lots of stories on there where the OP can’t see that a person in their life (husband, parent, sibling etc) is abusive. They get angry when replies point this out and I genuinely think it’s because they can’t see it.

Kids are programmed to want to see the best in their parents. Your dd probably wants to pretend that her dad is great because when she strokes his ego he is better. You can’t exactly get a card where the message is about being mediocre or doing the bare minimum. Is she the type to post on social media ? A best dad rosette would look good on her Snap.

I am divorced and my child’s expectations of their dad are on the floor but he’d say that he was a good dad because he’s not abusive. My kids went to the same secondary school for 7 years and he’s never been inside, never mind know the names of their friends.

As someone who had shit parents. Including a dad who cheated, used prostitutes and was a compulsive gambler. You know it. But you are still seeking their attention, approval and love because if your parents can't love you, you must be really unlovable. You want and hope for the day the situation will be " right", that they will realise you are worthwhile and be a good dad. That you will get the relationship with them you always wanted. That's why your kids are playing "pick me" and overcompensating. They don't need you to point ot out and feel like they have to pick a parent, they need you to remain the healthy loving parent that you are. Yes it's frustrating, but don't vent to your kids.

They do realise it. That's why they bought the 'Best dad ever' trophy or whatever. They find it difficult to accept someone they're a part of is crap, so pretending all is ok is a) a way of protecting themselves and b) a way of making him be happy with them and show them praise.

It's the child/parent equivalent of the pick-me dance.

The most devastatingly heart breaking thing I read once was the Rose West's daughter sent her 'Best Mum' cards for Mother's Day when she was is prison.

He's the only father your children have, they don't want him to be shit because that would make them feel less great about themselves. They probably already know he's not all they want and deserve and they will understand this more as they get older.

So you chose to have children with him and now those children are not thinking the way to you want them too?

My sister in law is nearly 60. She is still trying to get her dad's attention and love. He is a selfish man who left her and her brother with a mentally ill mother. He has never supported her. His behaviour at her wedding was utterly selfish. He sided with her ex when they had their split. That was years ago but she is still chasing his love. Because she knows that it isn't a given.

I was talking to bil about this yesterday. She deserves so much better but because she never had the solid foundation of knowing her dad loved her and had her back (like I did, like dh and BIL did) then she is always going to be performing for him to a certain extent.

The rosette is because your child doesn't trust his love will always be there for her.

At least they have you.

He’s their dad, they don’t know the ins and outs, thankfully, as a single mother I want to protect them from past toxicity and am glad they don’t know about it. It’s hard, I know. Protect your children as much as you can x

Kids still love and idolise parents even if they are shit. They want to have the best parents. My partner was the victim of abuse but still loved his parents.

only in your eyes!... my ex husband was no angel... and to be fair i wasn't the best wife but we agreed to not bad mouth each other in front of the kids. its only since their dad passed away have they begun to realise that not everything was a rosy as it was made it... it did them no harm..

you don't want to be that woman who punishes her shitty husbands actions by making his kids hate him.. leave them be.. suffer in silence

I didn't RTFT. Did you tell them you raised them alone? Did you tell them their father diverted money for other stuff? Did you tell them of the important occasions you were alone with them and made everything work out? These are facts, but they won't guess if no one tells them.

OP your post really resonated with me and like the PP's have been saying, you children will discover this in their own time. Just as you did, remember when you thought he was the bees knees and he would be the best father to your children, now you know better, as they will do in their own time.
If it's any consolation this is the card my DD (21) got her father this year, I've never slagged him off but she is now old enough to see the reality for herself.

Your daughter wants him to be the 'best ever dad', she doesn't necessarily think he is. Even if she doesn't see him for what he is now, she will one day. And she'll be thankful that her one decent parent didn't point out what a disgusting deadbeat he really is.

you don't want to be that woman who punishes her shitty husbands actions by making his kids hate him.. leave them be.. suffer in silence

A more positive way of framing this might be "Give your ex the chance to build a relationship with his children that's better than the one he built with you. Your silence is not to protect him, but to protect your children from the stress of knowing their father has behaved in a way that's unworthy of the love they give him."