Feeling so confused and injured [Content warning added by MNHQ: mentions rape and sexual assault]

[GraceOMalleyReturns]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, live a couple of hours apart and neither of us want to uproot kids so for now we just see each other a couple of times a month and we were hoping to be able to commit to each other more once kids are older.

He has always been very kind to me and considerate of the fact I’d been in an abusive relationship in the past. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me even when we have disagreements or I’ve been being entirely unreasonable (which I have over the last year as I’ve been on various anxiety medication which has changed my mood a lot).

On Monday we went to stay at a hotel for a couple of days. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life and he’s never asked me to do anything unusual as he knows I’m pretty inexperienced and he has hinted he used to be into some fetish stuff but it was because it’s what his ex was into and he just went along with it.

For maybe the last year or so he’s occasionally slapped my bum (never hard) during which has always made me giggle because I find it quite silly but not a turn off or anything. While we were away he slapped my bum quite a few times while we were having sex and afterwards said ‘you really enjoy me being rough with you don’t you?’ to which I replied ‘you’re not rough and I like it’ because I do like our sex life.

Yesterday morning he had to leave early as he was getting a flight and gently woke me up at about 5am making it clear he fancied sex. I was pretty sleepy and he asked me if I minded if he was rough with me and I said of course not, assuming he just meant he was going to be slapping my bum a bit again which, as I said, I don’t mind him doing. Then everything seemed to happen really quickly and he grabbed my hair and pretty much lifted me up by it. He then kept choking me, slapping and pinching and biting me all over and picking me up and throwing he back on the bed, dragging me by my hair and really, really hurting me. He had sex with me incredibly roughly too. I started crying while he was having sex with me and trying to ask him to stop but everytime I tried to say something he choked me or put his hand in my mouth.

As soon as he finished he said that he didn’t mean to make me cry but he had to go away for a few days and he’d see me soon. As if I was crying because he had to leave and not because he’d just really hurt me.

I have bite marks and scratches all over me, I’m absolutely covered in bruises and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection as I’m so sore when I urinate. I don’t know what happened or why he suddenly did this. He’s never seemed to want to hurt me before and even when he was doing it he seemed to be saying things that made it sound like he thought I was enjoying it.

It’s like the person I thought I knew didn’t exist. I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated.

He hasn’t really been in contact other than to say his flight landed and a few photos of where he is. He hasn’t asked me how I am or made any mention of the fact that yesterday morning he had hurt almost every part of my body.

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I can have sex with him again as he terrified me. I don’t want to have sex with someone who wants to physically injure me.

We had a really nice few days together and then he turned into a different person and I don’t know what to do.

OP, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. If you have the strength go to the police station and get examined and report him for rape and assault. He will do this to others.

I completely understand if you don’t feel able to do this (it won’t be nice), but in my experience you might wish you had in future. It’s very difficult to think clearly in times like this because you’re so confused and shocked, but to everyone reading this it’s clear as day that the man is dangerous.

The only acceptable action from him would have been to stop as soon as you became upset and apologise. That's what decent guys do. They don't keep pounding away and using you like an object. They are mortified that they've hurt you.

OP definitely report to the police and see a health service. Document your injuries and speak with people who are experienced with sexual assault and the trauma you have been through.

This is appalling. Yes, there are people who enjoy this kind of sex, but a very thorough discussion about exactly WHAT activities and level of rough is essential beforehand, as is having a safe word in place, or in the event of being unable to speak, a safe action. The fact he did neither shows he doesn't care about your comfort, safety and consent. End it immediately, and I'd tell him exactly why.
I'm so, so sorry. This must've been an awful shock after three years of vanilla sex (a light slap on the arse is really not the same as rough sex!).

OP that’s absolutely awful. Enjoying a bit of bum slapping is a world away from what he did to you. No way he saw you crying during it and thought it was because you were upset he was going away for a few days. This guy is dangerous. I’d be blocking him and consider reporting to the police. Please go to your GP, they will be able to attend to the physical symptoms but also offer the right help and advice for you. They absolutely will not judge and you’ve nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of.

Please go to the doctor btw. If you struggle to tell them what happened try writing it down and taking it with you.
And in case it wasn't clear - this was rape. You have every right to go to the police if this is what you chose to do. Be kind to yourself OP, I hope you are okay.

Do not contact him or respond to any contact from him.
People please stop telling her to text him. It will not help her emotionally or legally. He is a dangerous manipulator.

Please tell your doctor about the non fatal strangulation, it can increase your risk of a stroke so its important your doctor is aware. Its extremely serious and became an offence in its own right under the domestic abuse act 2021. If you report it to the police it will show up in any future Claires law requests.
It's him who should feel ashamed of himself.

Apart from getting medical help I would focus on a few key points:

• You did not cause this
• He is not going to admit that what he did was wrong, no matter what words you may choose to try and explain that to him
• Above point does not negate the fact that it WAS wrong

On the feeling ashamed/embarrassed to tell the GP exactly what was done to you, I would go in to your appointment and tell them what you can and consider saying that there's something else but that you're finding it difficult to say it. By that point in the consultation the doctor should have a good enough idea of the general theme of your injuries and so should be able to gently guide you through the process.

Then you should know bloody better!
I’m into it too, but if it had happened like this, I would have been terrified too.
Every type of sex, but particularly this type should be consensual, but this should have been discussed in precise detail.
There should be safe words and non verbal
cues.

OP - please ignore anyone talking like this.

it was a violent assault and rape, you did not consent on any way, and it is not your fault AT ALL.

There is no should here at all, you do what you need to do, but if you feel able to, getting some support form wherever it feels appropriate would be a good idea. Sending huge hugs, and sympathy, it sounds really
horrendour.

<
Maybe stop doubling down by engaging with another 'poor communication/rape apologist poster'. Stop playing the victim by making out people are being mean to you when really they are angry because there are no grey areas here.

This is not a sex game gone wrong. This is not a poor misunderstood man who misread the signs. And women like you who play into this narrative are the reasons why these kinds of men get off in rape trials. And why men like this think it's okay to choke, beat up and rape women and people won't think badly of them.

That's why people are angry with you.

<
Maybe stop doubling down by engaging with another 'poor communication/rape apologist poster'. Stop playing the victim by making out people are being mean to you when really they are angry because there are no grey areas here.

This is not a sex game gone wrong. This is not a poor misunderstood man who misread the signs. And women like you who play into this narrative are the reasons why these kinds of men get off in rape trials. And why men like this think it's okay to choke, beat up and rape women and people won't think badly of them.

That's why people are angry with you.

OP firstly I am so sorry that he did this to you. This was a premeditated brutal attack and rape.

There are two really dangerous posts here from people who are rape apologists and who have no idea what consent means. It is not what happens when someone is strangled and a fist is shoved in their mouth to prevent them speaking . I hope Mumsnet removes these posts and bans the posters who are either clueless or just vile individuals.

Have no doubt OP that this was not your fault. Cuddle that little boy tight and seek help from Professionals to report this and protect yourself . Do not contact him without the help of professional guidance who will advice how best to handle him. Love and strength xxx

Yes fair enough @NonsuchCastle I was thinking reactively, but you are quite right. I apologise.

No worries, you meant well.

@serenavanderwoodsenn is it genuinely normal to be left covered in bruises afterwards and needing medical attention? I don’t know how people can have sex like this, even if they enjoy it, on even a semi regular basis if it leaves you with your entire groin and breasts black and blue because you’ve been dragged round the room with him grabbing onto them.

Sweetheart, it is not normal at all. He’s assaulted you and it was not your fault in any way, shape or form. He’s tricked you in the worst possible way.
I would strongly suggest going to see a medical professional, and if you feel
able to, the police.
is there anyone you can talk to, who can support you.
this was not your fault, at all.

Dear OP, please ignore that poster. They are talking absolute nonsense.

Everyone else understands what has happened to you and we are totally on your side.

@serenavanderwoodsenn
now can you see how dangerous your post was, ffs

This is what I’m struggling so much with. It is so far away from the person I thought he was. The man who built up my confidence again after divorce, who didn’t pressure me into having sex with him even though I wasn’t ready for a few months because I’d never really been with anyone other than my ex husband before. The man who helped me navigate through getting medical appointments when I suddenly started feeling ill a couple of years ago and looking after my kids and housework while I recovered and never complained.

I thought if he was planning to do that to me he’d have done it ages ago, when I first started to trust him and was totally in love with him. Not wait 3 years until we had a future planned together and had just had a lovely few days away in a hotel.

There's not much I can add to the previous posers' advice, but please know you absolutely did nothing wrong, it's not your fault, and we're all wishing you the best.
Please seek urgent medical help, and report, or at least get it logged xxx

I am so sorry this has happened to you, please contact your nearest SARC centre ASAP, you can search for your nearest on this link:
https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health-services/find-a-rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centre
They are available 24/7 for help and advice.

I’m so so sorry that this happened to you. Please try to see a Dr 🌺

He definitely knows it was rape. He’s trying to cover his tracks by sending the message saying you were crying because he’s going away for a few days. He’s getting his story down, on the record, as his effed up ‘reason’ for not stopping in case he ever has to explain himself.
It’s a weak excuse and won’t stand up to any scrutiny. The first question anyone would ask is “well why didn’t you stop if she seemed upset?” Any normal, decent, man would have stopped to check in on you.. let alone a man in the midst of ‘rough’ (violent!!!) sex.

No part of this is normal. He was pretending to himself and to you that the light slaps on the bum meant you liked it rough. That will be his defence - ‘I’ve slapped her before and she said she liked it rough.’ He is escalating. He could actually kill you. He may have done serious physical damage, let alone the psychological distress and fear. Urgently see your GP or even local GUM clinic. Take photos. Police if you can. Seek support from a close friend/ family. Good luck and post here whenever you need support

OP, is there anyone in real life that you can ask to come and be with you?

I feel like you shouldn’t be alone at this point. You must be very sore, and if you have children to look after it’s going to be hard to rest.

A bit of real-life support is needed.

OP, we are all thinking of you today.

I echo all who have gently explained that this person planned what he did, when he did it and how he has subsequently acted.

You have been incredibly strong to type out what you can and share with us.

I hope we can encourage you now to treat yourself as someone you are responsible for taking care of ie gently take yourself through the process of caring for yourself like a victim xxx

• photo your wounds/scratches and bruises if not for use now, incase you ever need them for you or another victim.
• arrange to see a GP or rape crisis clinic/support who can help with next steps without pressure to do anything you don’t want to.
• write things down if you feel you can not verbalise what happened.
• block the social media of person who did this to you. End this relationship there need to be no dialogue with this person any longer.
• Change your locks if needed should they have keys.
• install CCTV if you feel comfortable with this.
• if you can, seek support and confide in someone who loves and cares for you such as a friend, parent etc. having someone in real life to hand hold during this time is so important for your support. You don’t have to tell them the full extent of what happened if you can’t xx
• Report to the police if you can. Show them the evidence and offer to share any relevant info. You DO NOT have to pursue action against this person if you are not ready, but getting this on record will help you if want to in the future and, if any other victim is brave enough to come forward does so. This person is very likely to have done this before and will without any doubt do this again.

Nothing you said or did OP resulted in this man’s actions.

His behaviour leading up to the assault and his question under the guise of seeking consent prior, evidences that this man is a seasoned predator. His words and behaviours show he is well versed in the legalities and gymnastics the defence often engage in at police stations and courtrooms across the country in cases such as this.

He is dangerous.

He knows what he did and he knows you know.

He knows it’s inconceivable that lighthearted spanking was comparable to the assault he subjected you to.

He knows he prevented you from speaking using violence and that you were crying from fear and pain.

You didn’t need to ‘withdraw’ consent OP because you didn’t give it. He knows that and so do you.

Wrap yourself in cotton wool OP and care for yourself, love yourself and be gentle with yourself. You will get through this and you have all of us here for support and I hope once you feel ready, you can get support in real life xxxxx