Feeling so confused and injured [Content warning added by MNHQ: mentions rape and sexual assault]

[GraceOMalleyReturns]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, live a couple of hours apart and neither of us want to uproot kids so for now we just see each other a couple of times a month and we were hoping to be able to commit to each other more once kids are older.

He has always been very kind to me and considerate of the fact I’d been in an abusive relationship in the past. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me even when we have disagreements or I’ve been being entirely unreasonable (which I have over the last year as I’ve been on various anxiety medication which has changed my mood a lot).

On Monday we went to stay at a hotel for a couple of days. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life and he’s never asked me to do anything unusual as he knows I’m pretty inexperienced and he has hinted he used to be into some fetish stuff but it was because it’s what his ex was into and he just went along with it.

For maybe the last year or so he’s occasionally slapped my bum (never hard) during which has always made me giggle because I find it quite silly but not a turn off or anything. While we were away he slapped my bum quite a few times while we were having sex and afterwards said ‘you really enjoy me being rough with you don’t you?’ to which I replied ‘you’re not rough and I like it’ because I do like our sex life.

Yesterday morning he had to leave early as he was getting a flight and gently woke me up at about 5am making it clear he fancied sex. I was pretty sleepy and he asked me if I minded if he was rough with me and I said of course not, assuming he just meant he was going to be slapping my bum a bit again which, as I said, I don’t mind him doing. Then everything seemed to happen really quickly and he grabbed my hair and pretty much lifted me up by it. He then kept choking me, slapping and pinching and biting me all over and picking me up and throwing he back on the bed, dragging me by my hair and really, really hurting me. He had sex with me incredibly roughly too. I started crying while he was having sex with me and trying to ask him to stop but everytime I tried to say something he choked me or put his hand in my mouth.

As soon as he finished he said that he didn’t mean to make me cry but he had to go away for a few days and he’d see me soon. As if I was crying because he had to leave and not because he’d just really hurt me.

I have bite marks and scratches all over me, I’m absolutely covered in bruises and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection as I’m so sore when I urinate. I don’t know what happened or why he suddenly did this. He’s never seemed to want to hurt me before and even when he was doing it he seemed to be saying things that made it sound like he thought I was enjoying it.

It’s like the person I thought I knew didn’t exist. I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated.

He hasn’t really been in contact other than to say his flight landed and a few photos of where he is. He hasn’t asked me how I am or made any mention of the fact that yesterday morning he had hurt almost every part of my body.

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I can have sex with him again as he terrified me. I don’t want to have sex with someone who wants to physically injure me.

We had a really nice few days together and then he turned into a different person and I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry OP.

He raped you. Abusers take advantaged of miscommunications. I reckon he was building up to this, and he was manipulative enough to get you to say you like 'rough' sex and then ramp it up from 1 to 10 to the point where he knew consent was not there and he raped you. He knew what he was doing.

I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated

That's because they want to things like this and not be accountable for it. They can only do that if they either terrify a woman, threaten her loved ones, or make her feel somehow that it was a miscommunication somehow. She might actually believe that or she might even blame herself = win for him and not report to the police. I can bet you he's done this before.

I hope you have support in real life, because I think that you really should call the police. Choking in particular on top of the rape, which is bad enough by itself, really shows that he is extremely dangerous.

DO NOT SEE HIM EVER AGAIN.

Also I wanted to add - please take photos of all those bruises and scratches now. Do it now, and do it again when you have better light. Also please please go to the police. I wonder if he will ever come back from that flight. He should have fucking police waiting for him when he comes back.

He's pretend as if nothing's happened because that will help cover his intentions. He knows full well he's raped her and that the police might start looking at communications between them, or that they'll take his phone when he comes back. He's acting normal because he wants this to be seen as a simple misunderstanding, a case of rough sex.

You are not responsible for his future actions, correct. That's not what I was trying to say. I see things from the perspective of someone who, had things been reported previously, my own account of what happened to me would have tipped things over the threshold for monsters like this man to be put away & justice done. Unfortunately it is our job to report, to dig deep & put it out there on record. Yes of course you need to heal. Some would say reporting it is part of that process. Rather than coming back to it at a later time. You do whatever you need to do to get through it. It's not right & it's not fair but it's also never fair that these monsters get away with it.

@serenavanderwoodsenn

If you think that men who are into doing things like this aren't actually monsters, then you're genuinely delusional or smoking crack.

Consent is important, but just because they have someone's consent (for the time being), doesn't mean they aren't dangerous and are misogynists. They are asking permission to act out things they know to be dangerous and degrading on women for their gratification for a reason . That's significant.

However, there are plenty of women out there that don't want to acknowledge this because those women may be into BDSM themselves, don't want to give it up, and simply don't want to believe that their partner's 'domination' is actually a true expression of misogyny.

It's not just playing a game or make-believe. It's a way they let off steam and express their hatred of women in a way that won't get them arrested (mostly), but that doesn't mean they're intentions are innocent. On the women's part, denying this is often a severe case of 'Not my Nigel.

The OP is dealing with a highly manipulative man who wanted to cover his tracks for when he eventually escalated to rape. Or, it's possible that he didn't want to do this to her initially (after probably doing it before to other women) and was restraining himself until now, but that eventually he gave in.

Which is why I’m saying he was wrong not to outline all of this to her

He did NOT outline all of that to her. What an absolutely ridiculous statement.

He took 'rough' and escalated it to a degree that he knew OP could have not consented to. Not only that, but when he knew she was in distress and was physically damaging her, he didn't stop. There was no opt-out for this poor woman.

Abusive men manipulate interpretations and misunderstanding so they can rape & kills and call it 'rough sex'. Men are already using the 'rough sex' defence as an excuse in court. Some are even using it when they have strangled women to death. It's absolutely abhorrent.

Men are already using the 'rough sex' defence as an excuse in court. Some are even using it when they have strangled women to death. It's absolutely abhorrent.

Yes. Some men have used this as a defence to a murder charge.

Many have got away with it, too. It's shocking.

One of the reasons why I've been single for a while is because someone on MN said maybe a year or so ago that it shouldn't matter how much a woman asks to be hurt, a decent man wouldn't want to hurt her. I think the exact words were "men aren't slaves to women's consent".

I'm trying to process that message and square it with the fact that some legitimate hobbies physically hurt and come with risks attached (e.g. sports injuries), some people (especially autistic people like me) don't process pain the same way as others and may experience pleasure from what others would expect to be painful, and I'm trying to figure out a reasonable set of criteria by which to determine what behaviours are reasonable.

But, I am very sure that a man who injures his partner enough for her to need medical attention is a man who is dangerous to women. A man who strangles his partner, putting her at risk of death and brain damage, is dangerous to women. A man who leaves bruises is dangerous to women. And it doesn't matter whether she consented, or even asked for that treatment, he still shouldn't do it.

How are you doing, OP?

Hope you're doing ok, OP.

@GraceOMalleyReturns wondering how you are doing. I hope you get some help with the implants on the NHS and hopefully some support for you mental health, take care x

Hope you're alright, OP.

OMG! NEVER speak to this animal again and look after yourself OP. Hope that you're okay? 🌷

You popped into my head yesterday as I was driving, and I wondered if you are okay.

Such a horrific story of male violence, just when will women be safe.

Hello op.

I think of you often and wish you well.

Yuck, he's porn sick.

Hiya, I’m ok now, I think. I’ve been up to London and hopefully going to get my implant replaced before Christmas. I had to do it privately though, obviously. My surgeon said he’d only seen that happen once before and it was from someone who was in a really bad car crash.

Good to hear from you OP.
Glad you are going to get your implant sorted out. It does go to show how appalling violent the attack was and how dangerous this man is.

Look after your MH too.
💐

Did you get rid of this monster? X

I'm glad you're getting your implant fixed OP, it's good to hear from you. You're doing really well.

Good to hear from you and glad you are getting implants sorted as that sounded so painful, horrific the damage he caused you. I hope you can consider getting some therapy after the attack. I know you want to put it behind you but some tlc for your mental health will be good so you can continue being the best mummy to your dc x

Hope you're ok xxx