Feeling so confused and injured [Content warning added by MNHQ: mentions rape and sexual assault]

[GraceOMalleyReturns]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, live a couple of hours apart and neither of us want to uproot kids so for now we just see each other a couple of times a month and we were hoping to be able to commit to each other more once kids are older.

He has always been very kind to me and considerate of the fact I’d been in an abusive relationship in the past. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me even when we have disagreements or I’ve been being entirely unreasonable (which I have over the last year as I’ve been on various anxiety medication which has changed my mood a lot).

On Monday we went to stay at a hotel for a couple of days. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life and he’s never asked me to do anything unusual as he knows I’m pretty inexperienced and he has hinted he used to be into some fetish stuff but it was because it’s what his ex was into and he just went along with it.

For maybe the last year or so he’s occasionally slapped my bum (never hard) during which has always made me giggle because I find it quite silly but not a turn off or anything. While we were away he slapped my bum quite a few times while we were having sex and afterwards said ‘you really enjoy me being rough with you don’t you?’ to which I replied ‘you’re not rough and I like it’ because I do like our sex life.

Yesterday morning he had to leave early as he was getting a flight and gently woke me up at about 5am making it clear he fancied sex. I was pretty sleepy and he asked me if I minded if he was rough with me and I said of course not, assuming he just meant he was going to be slapping my bum a bit again which, as I said, I don’t mind him doing. Then everything seemed to happen really quickly and he grabbed my hair and pretty much lifted me up by it. He then kept choking me, slapping and pinching and biting me all over and picking me up and throwing he back on the bed, dragging me by my hair and really, really hurting me. He had sex with me incredibly roughly too. I started crying while he was having sex with me and trying to ask him to stop but everytime I tried to say something he choked me or put his hand in my mouth.

As soon as he finished he said that he didn’t mean to make me cry but he had to go away for a few days and he’d see me soon. As if I was crying because he had to leave and not because he’d just really hurt me.

I have bite marks and scratches all over me, I’m absolutely covered in bruises and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection as I’m so sore when I urinate. I don’t know what happened or why he suddenly did this. He’s never seemed to want to hurt me before and even when he was doing it he seemed to be saying things that made it sound like he thought I was enjoying it.

It’s like the person I thought I knew didn’t exist. I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated.

He hasn’t really been in contact other than to say his flight landed and a few photos of where he is. He hasn’t asked me how I am or made any mention of the fact that yesterday morning he had hurt almost every part of my body.

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I can have sex with him again as he terrified me. I don’t want to have sex with someone who wants to physically injure me.

We had a really nice few days together and then he turned into a different person and I don’t know what to do.

OP, THIS.

I agree with everything Waspwine is saying. This man is a dangerous predator, and his behaviour is too extreme for it to be a ‘one-off’. Reporting doesn’t mean you have to take it further, but future you might be really glad that you did. Ultimately though, it’s your body and your experience so don’t feel pressure to be a certain way, feel a certain way or act a certain way. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can get support from someone close to you. Sending you all my prayers and thoughts xx

Op, I know this is a struggle.

Having their victims comparing the usual reality to what has happened is part of how these predatory men escape justice and fly under the radar for many years.

They persuade and convince victims to consider their actions on a balance basis, ie getting the victim who is now their partner to think, well he’s perfect 99% of the time so this is just a quirk or my fault or a misunderstanding ….and so on.

This is how deviants like him groom. They invest a great deal of time to create a normalised environment with the goal being to secure a victim who is available for abuse long term. for them it is worth the planning and investment as it facilitates the social acceptance by peers and reduces discovery or prevention of abuse by others. They create what externally and to some extent to their victim appears to be a happy wife (partner) happy life type scenario.

These predators very often persuade the victim that their kink/abuse method is a “dysfunctional” trait that the predator is ashamed of and can’t control, and that the only person they’ve been honest with and that can help them is the victim.

These are highly manipulative and dangerous individuals.

You would be suprised and horrified at what many women will accept and are subjected to because they have been groomed into thinking the abuse is not abuse but something the predator can’t help or needs etc etc. The victim believes that as the abuse is only 1% of their relationship it can be tolerated. They have been manipulated by their partner (a dangerous predator) into a balance basis thought process.

No amount of tenderness, housework, companionship, hotel get aways, kindness, help with parenting or being supportive and so on is worth what this man did or what he plans to do if he remains in your/your child’s life.

You deserve so much more.

Please look after yourself OP. From your recent threads it sounds like you are in a very bad way and I urge you to take photos and seek medical help xxxxxx

Oh OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. That man planned this for a long time, getting you to trust him, to depend on him. Setting the scene, getting you isolated in the hotel, his careful use of language and little slaps so he could pretend you consented.
And now the acting normal, to put you mentally and emotionally off balance. To stop you reacting normally and healthily to what he did to you.
But you have the marks and the pain to prove it, to yourself and others. Record them, get medical treatment, log it with police.
Above all protect yourself and care for yourself and your beautiful boy. Don't feel stupid, or shame or embarrassment, this was absolutely not your fault.
He did this to you, all of it.

How are you this morning @GraceOMalleyReturns ?

I hope you managed some sleep.

I really feel for you. Try and find your nearest SARC for support.

https://thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc/

Good morning @GraceOMalleyReturns, I hope you managed to get some sleep. Are you getting your wee boy off to school or nursery?

I wonder if you could maybe think about calling in sick and going straight to a sarc; I forgot about them when I was posting last night. They are confidential sexual assault services. Unfortunately, they will have 'seen it all before' so will be very competent and kind in looking after you and checking out your injuries. They will also keep records, help you get counselling, but won't refer to the police unless you want them to.

I think your priority has to be your physical injuries today pet, I'm worried about you and possible infection.

www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health-services/find-a-rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centre

That's the link for England.

I don't have any advice to add to what has been said, I just want to say how sorry I am this has happened to you.

Yes he’s done this before, one of the people being his ex, that woman “who had a fetish” (he’s projecting himself in order to make himself look good). He’s a liar, a groomer and he had this planned all the way along . He gets off with hurting women and non consensual stuff and he planned it for 5 am when the OP was asleep and unable to process properly. This was a callous premeditated action. His defence will hold on to “he asked her for rough sex and she agreeded”. What the defence doesn’t know is that “rough sex” for her meant a few slaps on the butt cheeks.

@GraceOMalleyReturns I hope you are ok. I re-read your posts this morning and your injuries sound like them need medical attention so please please seek help.

Also, take paracetamol, drink plenty of warm drinks and also a hot water bottle will help with the superficial pain. I am more worried about the internal injuries tbh and really hope you see a doctor today. Do not be embarrassed. You are the victim here and did nothing wrong, please don’t forget that x

He’s raped you, never see this man again. I’d text him and tell him what he did and block. Get done support in real life, sending support

Just like everyone else, I'm so, so sorry he did this to you. You have no reason to feel guilty or embarrassed, this was all him and he was completely wrong.

Have a think about where you want to go from here, if it were me I'd get medical attention (and get it documented), and go to the police to report the rape xx

I read your post in the middle of the night and I've been thinking about you all morning, I really hope that you're ok and get some help today.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Echoing what others have said.
Report to the police, see the gp
I'm not sure if it's been suggested or if it would be too late but there's also Claire's law.

I hope you are ok

You are experiencing grief, as well as the impact of the assault. What an utter barstard he is. You're grieving for the relationship.

There is absolutely no way he could have assumed your consent for this. Those who do engage in rough sex consensually would plan it in advance, agree safe words, boundaries etc. This is not something I would want to do, but even those who do wouldn't go as far as beating someone up like what he did to you.

I'm so sorry op.

I spoke to my sister. I’m not going to the police. Not at the moment anyway. I’ve taken some photos and I’m hopefully going to see my GP tomorrow. Thank you everyone for being so nice.

He is absolutely the worst kind of predator. Got you to trust him, waited til you were vulnerable.

Take care of yourself. I hope you have some IRL support

Omg OP, hope for a speedy recovery. What an evil man.

I’m so glad you have spoken to your sister.
Do you definitely have a f2f GP appointment for a Saturday? Or is it a call?
Did you also consider looking for a referral centre where they are specialist at dealing with women in your position?

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health-services/find-a-rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centre

Let your sister look after you and DC this weekend. Do not contact him in any way. He will be out to cover his tracks by showing you were still chatting to him afterwards.

So sorry you’re going through this.
💐

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and anguish OP, like many others I've had similar incidents and relationships where I came to trust abusive, violent, predatory men. If I can offer any advice it is to stop trying to understand what happened and why it happened, leave that until later. You will never get the true answer to those questions, your partner may not know why he does these things himself and he will always seek to place the blame firmly elsewhere i.e. you.

As several PPs have said, please don't respond to any messages from him if he does send anything from now on, he may have already completed what he wanted to do and move on to the next. Some predators will hang around and love the making up bit where they apologise and love bomb you until the next time they do it, it only ever gets worse if you let them back into your life in any way shape or form. There is no doubt from his actions that he has done this several times before, he has the script down pat.

The other thing I would advise, as other PPs have, is for you to get professional physical and mental help right away, no one in these services will force you into anything you don't want to do like reporting it until you are ready. There are things I have never vocalised to anyone but you won't be pushed into it by anyone, you will speak about it only when you are ready. For you it is all too fresh and the confusion and emotional storms it can cause, let alone the potential long term physical affects from not getting seen to right away.

The hardest thing to accept in all kinds of assaults is that it is never your fault. What he did is his shame to bear and his alone, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. He did this to you, you were not the cause, you did nothing wrong, you just happened to be there at the time he decided to commit this vile act.

This is text book grooming OP: had he pulled this fast one at the beginning of the relationship you would have ran away. He waited till you were emotionally invested in him enough and had a future planned together to do this. He started “testing the waters” with the slapping stuff and you happily complied (not that there’s nothing wrong with a few gentle slaps on butt cheeks while having sex) but he was testing you.

OP - based on your second to last post I assume he has had access to your home.

I don't mean to pile on layers to this but I think you need to check for hidden cameras, spy wear on your lap top/phone and so on.

He is a planner this one. He may well be supervising.

Perhaps your sister could do some research on how to do this from her home/lap top etc?

Please do get medical attention.

The more I read through this, the more I suspect he has been having his 'needs' met elsewhere, either other women he has met for hook up type sex or using prostitutes. So you absolutely need to get checked for STI's.

Oh my God, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. None of this is your fault and even if he initially thought you liked it rough he must have noticed you were crying and in pain. It sounds like he behaved like an animal. I know you may feel really fragile ight now but I would report him. Take photos of the bruises and see a sexual health clinic or hospital A&E to document it. Let them swab you and check for lacerations. No words left for what he did to you but I would reach out to a rape charity and get him arrested. This wasn’t a first for him I reckon, no care in the world for how he abused your body.

Yes, he planned it all carefully, establishing the bum slapping as "rough" so he can try to claim she consented to being brutalized. It was premeditated, not a spur of the moment decision.
Given her injuries, I don't think that defence will fly, but she will need to have them seen by a doctor for evidence. At least she has taken pictures of her injuries, which is better than nothing, and has her sister as an outcry witness.

Agree.
Would people please stop telling her to contact her rapist. FFS, in no world is that a good idea.