Feeling so confused and injured [Content warning added by MNHQ: mentions rape and sexual assault]

[GraceOMalleyReturns]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, live a couple of hours apart and neither of us want to uproot kids so for now we just see each other a couple of times a month and we were hoping to be able to commit to each other more once kids are older.

He has always been very kind to me and considerate of the fact I’d been in an abusive relationship in the past. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me even when we have disagreements or I’ve been being entirely unreasonable (which I have over the last year as I’ve been on various anxiety medication which has changed my mood a lot).

On Monday we went to stay at a hotel for a couple of days. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life and he’s never asked me to do anything unusual as he knows I’m pretty inexperienced and he has hinted he used to be into some fetish stuff but it was because it’s what his ex was into and he just went along with it.

For maybe the last year or so he’s occasionally slapped my bum (never hard) during which has always made me giggle because I find it quite silly but not a turn off or anything. While we were away he slapped my bum quite a few times while we were having sex and afterwards said ‘you really enjoy me being rough with you don’t you?’ to which I replied ‘you’re not rough and I like it’ because I do like our sex life.

Yesterday morning he had to leave early as he was getting a flight and gently woke me up at about 5am making it clear he fancied sex. I was pretty sleepy and he asked me if I minded if he was rough with me and I said of course not, assuming he just meant he was going to be slapping my bum a bit again which, as I said, I don’t mind him doing. Then everything seemed to happen really quickly and he grabbed my hair and pretty much lifted me up by it. He then kept choking me, slapping and pinching and biting me all over and picking me up and throwing he back on the bed, dragging me by my hair and really, really hurting me. He had sex with me incredibly roughly too. I started crying while he was having sex with me and trying to ask him to stop but everytime I tried to say something he choked me or put his hand in my mouth.

As soon as he finished he said that he didn’t mean to make me cry but he had to go away for a few days and he’d see me soon. As if I was crying because he had to leave and not because he’d just really hurt me.

I have bite marks and scratches all over me, I’m absolutely covered in bruises and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection as I’m so sore when I urinate. I don’t know what happened or why he suddenly did this. He’s never seemed to want to hurt me before and even when he was doing it he seemed to be saying things that made it sound like he thought I was enjoying it.

It’s like the person I thought I knew didn’t exist. I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated.

He hasn’t really been in contact other than to say his flight landed and a few photos of where he is. He hasn’t asked me how I am or made any mention of the fact that yesterday morning he had hurt almost every part of my body.

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I can have sex with him again as he terrified me. I don’t want to have sex with someone who wants to physically injure me.

We had a really nice few days together and then he turned into a different person and I don’t know what to do.

It's not her mil ,I think op only see's the guy twice a month and they live separately and she has two children from a previous relationship.
Probably best she gets professional help and support from close trusted friends and family if possible.

Yep, the OP must do as she wants. Lots of us have advised her to cut contact, but she is not there yet. She must do as she wants to do.
Hugs to you, my love.

Thank you 💐. I’m certain he hasn’t got a copy of my keys though. I live rurally in a semi next to very trusted neighbours and only lock my doors at night/ if I’m going on holiday so whenever he’s been round here there have been no keys involved. Obviously I am being more cautious with door locking at the moment though.

It is absolutely normal for you to feel like this. To want a hug from your lovely boyfriend. Who is not actually a lovely boyfriend.

Your brain still holds the feelings and memories of the lovely boyfriend who would comfort you.
Do NOT feel weird or stupid about these seemingly contradictory things. It is normal. You are not a robot.

I know you mean well but involving his mother is a bad idea. Contacting him is a bad idea. And she is not responsible for acting on behalf of women everywhere.
At the moment, she is in shock and pain. She has been advised to go to the police, but she does not want to at the moment. She must NOT be badgered by us to do that. She has heard us and it's her choice.
She has photos and the evidence of her doctor if she decides to go to the police.

This rape would almost certainly result in his conviction, given the evidence.

I’ve just realised that the first time he contacted me (we met via social media) was after I’d related a violent experience I’d had as a teenager. He DM’d me some really kind words and we got chatting from there. Fucking hell, I’ve been such an idiot.

Definitely not an idiot.
You've came into contact with a manipulative predator.

My sister in law was raped and it didn’t even get to court, despite her rapist having left a voicemail in which he apologised for raping her and DNA evidence. Her rapist was brought in for a single voluntary interview and that was it.

You were not an idiot by any means OP, he’s a predator, you were just responding to kindness from a stranger.

problem is that your was much more than a rape OP, yours was also a physical attack with injuries, that’s two crimes (rape plus physical attack resulting in bodily injuries) that were properly recorded by a GP, that’s some serious stuff That he can easily get convicted.

Omg he groomed you so clearly. I’m so sorry x

Definitely not an idiot. You've been manipulated and groomed by a master of the trade. You're not an idiot. He is filth.

Do you know when he’s due back in the UK, OP?

Love, did your sister in law have the injuries you have? With the back up of photos and doctor?
The voicemail may have been inadmissible due to the rules of evidence (I won't get into that now but things that you think might be evidence in court, might not be. There are rules.).
The DNA could be explained away with "she consented".
So, without the voicemail being allowed as evidence, all the police would have would be semen which he could explain away as "she agreed".
Whatever, it's not the same case as your sil's. And I wouldn't advise comparing your situation to other situations in terms of going to court, because you don't know the rules of evidence. they can be complicated and seemingly "not fair" sometimes.
But it's up to you what you do. xxxxx

Well done for going to see a doctor. I hope the treatment helps with the pain. It makes me whince when you describe your injuries.

It's perfectly understandable that you need to grieve the relationship you thought you had. There are two of him in your mind.

He definitely chose you from what he read online. It's chilling that he has spent 3 whole years grooming you. It must be so difficult for you to come to terms with that.
He's a dangerous man op, very dangerous! Don't take anything for granted and protect your personal safety at all costs. In his mind, he has spent 3 years working hard to get his prey (you) to this point. I wouldn't be surprised if tried to come back to you.
Sending you a virtual hug.

I am sorry for the typo, I meant exactly and not scantily as I cannot find my glasses atm

You have just basically said that if he does it to another woman it will be OP's fault for not reporting him. STOP.
She does not need to be reminded or badgered about the consequences of reporting or not reporting him. We have already discussed all this.
She has not made up her mind about reporting him yet and we should leave her to make her decision.
It is NOT her responsbility to protect others from him. Her responsibility is to herself only.

Please stop piling pressure onto the OP to go to the police. She’s probably living minute to minute at the moment; injured, ill and in shock. It’s too much to expect her to act in the interests of women she hasn’t met when she’s in such distress.

Concentrate on healing yourself, OP. Now isn’t the time to make any decisions about what to do in the future, other than how to protect yourself once this animal is back in the UK. I feel quite concerned that you shouldn’t be alone for the foreseeable future.

By the way, OP, please private message me any time if you want to.

Sorry all I didn’t mean to cause offence and I will get admin to remove my post: I am in no way trying to blame op for anything, she’s been through enough, @GraceOMalleyReturns sorry for any upset caused. I wish you heal well mentally and physically and I won’t post again,

Thank you, AnonAnon.

Rapists it seems often send chatty messages to their victims in case phone conversations are used as evidence. Pretending it was a misunderstanding, he would never hurt you, you still like him etc etc.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I do appreciate the struggle of trying to reconcile the man who did this to you with the man you thought you knew but as others have pointed out he manipulated and planned to get to this point.

You sent the photos because you thought they he would be shocked and full of remorse about how injured you are. He is not sorry and worse than than that I imagine, given his flippant response and reference to a next time, he found them exciting. Please stop projecting normality onto this dangerous man, he does not think or feel like normal people, he was aroused by hurting you.

I know you are doing your best but please understand that he will interpret your lack of outrage as consent to normalising this in your relationship. I know you do not plan to see him again but I think he is more likely to turn up at your house if you do not make your position clear. Message him and tell him you did not consent to what he did to you and you do not want to see or hear from him again and then block. Have a plan in place to make sure you stay safe if he does turn up.