Feeling so confused and injured [Content warning added by MNHQ: mentions rape and sexual assault]

[GraceOMalleyReturns]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, live a couple of hours apart and neither of us want to uproot kids so for now we just see each other a couple of times a month and we were hoping to be able to commit to each other more once kids are older.

He has always been very kind to me and considerate of the fact I’d been in an abusive relationship in the past. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me even when we have disagreements or I’ve been being entirely unreasonable (which I have over the last year as I’ve been on various anxiety medication which has changed my mood a lot).

On Monday we went to stay at a hotel for a couple of days. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life and he’s never asked me to do anything unusual as he knows I’m pretty inexperienced and he has hinted he used to be into some fetish stuff but it was because it’s what his ex was into and he just went along with it.

For maybe the last year or so he’s occasionally slapped my bum (never hard) during which has always made me giggle because I find it quite silly but not a turn off or anything. While we were away he slapped my bum quite a few times while we were having sex and afterwards said ‘you really enjoy me being rough with you don’t you?’ to which I replied ‘you’re not rough and I like it’ because I do like our sex life.

Yesterday morning he had to leave early as he was getting a flight and gently woke me up at about 5am making it clear he fancied sex. I was pretty sleepy and he asked me if I minded if he was rough with me and I said of course not, assuming he just meant he was going to be slapping my bum a bit again which, as I said, I don’t mind him doing. Then everything seemed to happen really quickly and he grabbed my hair and pretty much lifted me up by it. He then kept choking me, slapping and pinching and biting me all over and picking me up and throwing he back on the bed, dragging me by my hair and really, really hurting me. He had sex with me incredibly roughly too. I started crying while he was having sex with me and trying to ask him to stop but everytime I tried to say something he choked me or put his hand in my mouth.

As soon as he finished he said that he didn’t mean to make me cry but he had to go away for a few days and he’d see me soon. As if I was crying because he had to leave and not because he’d just really hurt me.

I have bite marks and scratches all over me, I’m absolutely covered in bruises and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection as I’m so sore when I urinate. I don’t know what happened or why he suddenly did this. He’s never seemed to want to hurt me before and even when he was doing it he seemed to be saying things that made it sound like he thought I was enjoying it.

It’s like the person I thought I knew didn’t exist. I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated.

He hasn’t really been in contact other than to say his flight landed and a few photos of where he is. He hasn’t asked me how I am or made any mention of the fact that yesterday morning he had hurt almost every part of my body.

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I can have sex with him again as he terrified me. I don’t want to have sex with someone who wants to physically injure me.

We had a really nice few days together and then he turned into a different person and I don’t know what to do.

He's trying to minimise what he did, joke about it, make it seem normal. I can't imagine how shocking this must feel, but you are doing so well.

Well done for going to the GP and getting your injuries recorded and cared for and taking care of yourself by thinking about further help.

Good morning op. I hope you managed to get some sleep. How are you this morning hun?
Wishing you and your dc a peaceful Sunday xx

Hi OP, just sending a caring check in.... I know that sometimes when shock wears off, a day can feel worse even than immediately after. So I just wanted to say whatever you are feeling is ok. This isn't something you can just get over straight away and force yourself to do and say all the right things. Whatever you are feeling is understandable. You are doing really really well. I hope you are with people who can help you feel loved and safe. Xxx

Yep, thinking about you too... xx

Thank you @financialcareerstuff . I’m at home with my boys. Apart from GP the only other person I’ve told is my sister and I don’t want her to worry too much about it so feel like I can’t keep talking about it to her. I think I’ve probably minimised it a lot and she’s be even more horrified if she saw exactly what he’s done. She lives in the same city as him and often does events that he performs at so they will kind of still be in contact.

Bruises are fading a bit but I still can’t believe he’s managed to actually flip my breast implant which is now really lumpy and looks awful. I dread to think how much it’s going to cost to get sorted plus recovery time that I’ll need to sort childcare for. I’m glad that I’m able to think practically about things now though rather than being too emotional.

He’s back in the country now and still messaging me memes and random stuff. He’s not asked why I’m not responding but it’s o it a matter of time. I need to think of a way to end it without the risk of him coming down to mine to try and talk things through. It’s all just a shitshow really.

The problem I see is your trauma bond to this guy, once he starts asking why you won’t see him you are going to feel the need to engage and he’ll lovebomb you, probably show up at your place demanding an explanation etc… Do you have an actual plan in regards to how you’re going to handle this? Are you strong enough to handle it? You need support OP, that specialised centre your GP recommended is a good starting point and won’t cost you a dime. Your head is probably in a wobble and talking to a therapist might help.

You have to be honest with him OP. I bet your head is a mess with all of this and how you thought he was, as a person.

This sounds like a good idea, but in this case I'd advise OP to do anything but this. Being honest is a gateway to dialogue, which is bad because this guy has seriously injured her and may well kill her if he talks his way back in again. Let's not forget that this guy has successfully managed to masquerade as a decent human being for 3 whole years so he's skilled at deception. OP needs to resist the temptation to try and explain what has happened because as I've said before she will never in a month of Sundays get him to admit what he did was wrong. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Best thing OP can do is be firm and as brief as possible and set herself up with real life support as protection.

Hello Op.

Your breast implant problem is the result of a violent attack so would be dealt with by the NHS. It's not a cosmetic surgery thing at this stage. You have been injured. The NHS will sort it. You need to go back to your GP and make sure she understands and get a hospital referral.

You have 2 choices on how to end it with him:

1. Ignore him
2. Text him a very short message. "It's over. Do not contact me".

Then do not engage with any other texting etc.
If you could bring yourself to go to the police he will be arrested. But I know you're not there yet.

True, didn't think of it that way tbh!

So sorry this happened to you. Do you have someone who could stay with you for a few days?

Re ending it, I suggest just send him a message saying it's over, you don't want to see him or communicate with him and for him not to come to your house, and that if he does you will call the police. You owe this man nothing. Message him and then block him. You do not need him taking up your headspace for any longer.

Being honest with him is pointless.
He KNOWS what he has done and he likes it. There is no talking it through, explaining, being honest with this man.
He is a violent manipulator.

He's been watching unrealistic porn and he's unable to distinguish fantasy from reality. Worse he'll always want this now, so jettison him immediately.

I haven’t commented yet but I saw your thread from the start, and have been horrified for you. I wanted to comment now as you say you’re wondering how to end it without him coming to your house etc. It’s such a difficult thing I know. Especially the link with your sister.

however, I think you might be starting to slip back into thinking of him as the ‘old him’ rather than this monster he has revealed himself to be.

please remember. He’s a dangerous monster. If you want to DM me I can share an experience that someone close to me had that was similar to this. I don’t want to share publicly. I also don’t mind if you would rather not hear about it but DM open if you do xx

Agree with PP.
Either completely ignore.
Or send a message along the lines ‘This relationship is over and you know why. Don’t contact me again in any way at all either directly or indirectly. If you do, I will consider it harassment and will call the police.

Please trust PP telling you that he does not care. This was not a mistake. He wanted it this way and enjoyed your pain and confusion. He is dangerous and can’t be reasoned with.

Could your implant be ruptured? I would perhaps try A&E or your GP again here for referral to have this looked at.

💐

@GraceOMalleyReturns you also need to explain everything to your sister without missing any details!! also let her know that your doc has written everything down in case it will be needed in the future. this means the doc is looking at this as being a rape!!

@GraceOMalleyReturns - so sorry you’re going through this. As regards ending it, if you don’t feel up to texting him, just block him. It’s devastating for you that this safe guy has shown himself to be incredibly dangerous. He clearly has violent rape fantasies against women so deep down he despises women and thinks of them as less than human.

It’s good your doctor has taken medical notes.

You’re not ready to go to the police but it would be a good idea to write down or make a recording of yourself stating everything that happened. Also date the record so it’s clear that it’s contemporaneous. That way you will have the information if and when you feel ready to go to the police. Your posts on this thread are also helpful evidence but they don’t contain all the detail.

Exactly. This is why it is important she not respond.

When I got sexually assaulted and he had the gall to contact me again it was about six weeks later so I felt stronger. I said to him that I had no idea why he was contacting me after he violated my boundaries so massively and that I had no desire to hear from him. He blocked me immediately.

OP, I think, if we're leaving going to the police out of it for now, that you should reply to his next message by simply saying, do not contact me again. If you attempt any contact with me, either through my social media, a third party, or in person, I will immediately contact the police.

Then you have two options: you can block him on everything, or, if you feel like you need to see what he's going to do next, you can adjust your WhatsApp settings for him so he cannot see your read receipts, your last online, or your profile picture. This emulates what his experience of you blocking him would be like, but you still get the benefit of additional threatening messages coming through which you could use as evidence with the police at a later date if you felt you wanted to.

I'm open to other mumsnetters critical feedback on this idea, so please don't take my idea as foolproof without reading what they say too.

I’m really sorry he did this to you. Please be honest with your sister. This is not something you should be ashamed of. This is his shame. You could end things with him by texting something like - you raped me. You injured me. It’s over. Never contact me again. Do not come to my house. Do not text me. If you do I will contact the police about harassment.

I’m so sorry but the OPs experience sounds like what we hear about the behaviour and philosophy of Andrew Tate. People like him are deeply misogynistic and see no issues with their physical mistreatment of women.

I think that OP needs some councillor or therapist support to help come to terms that she has been the victim in this terrible experience, and how best to proceed on the road to recovery. The GP provided support link sounds a good start. OP you should not have to deal with this on your own.

I messaged him saying ‘I sent you those photos to show how much you injured me when I did not consent to you doing so. Please stop contacting me, I do not ever want to see you again. You seriously injured me to the point I have required medical attention, I didn’t at any point suggest I wanted you to do this and you didn’t stop despite seeing that I was in pain, scared and crying.

K (sister) will get your belongings at my house and leave them with M (their event booker). I’m blocking you now. Do not try and contact me again or I will be calling the police.’

I’ve blocked him on all platforms and I hope that’s enough to stop him trying to come round. I do have security cameras and I’m very close to my neighbours so I’m not too concerned that he’ll try now I’ve made it clear I don’t want him to.

I’m minimising to my sister for now because I think if I told her exactly what happened she’d tell the lady that books their events which would cause a huge fallout in terms of his income (she’d definitely stop booking him) and he’d quite possibly try and come round here. I think it’s safest for now not to do that.

Well done, I know it must have taken a lot to send that text message, brave and exactly what was needed.
Hopefully after that message, he quits working at the place your sister works at for fear of exposure. You’ve taken the best steps in your personal circumstances and hope you feeling a bit better physically x

Amazing strength OP. Stay strong and vigilant. Thinking of you x