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Original poster

Feeling so confused and injured [Content warning added by MNHQ: mentions rape and sexual assault]

371 replies

GraceOMalleyReturns · 05/09/2024 22:12

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, live a couple of hours apart and neither of us want to uproot kids so for now we just see each other a couple of times a month and we were hoping to be able to commit to each other more once kids are older.

He has always been very kind to me and considerate of the fact I’d been in an abusive relationship in the past. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me even when we have disagreements or I’ve been being entirely unreasonable (which I have over the last year as I’ve been on various anxiety medication which has changed my mood a lot).

On Monday we went to stay at a hotel for a couple of days. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life and he’s never asked me to do anything unusual as he knows I’m pretty inexperienced and he has hinted he used to be into some fetish stuff but it was because it’s what his ex was into and he just went along with it.

For maybe the last year or so he’s occasionally slapped my bum (never hard) during which has always made me giggle because I find it quite silly but not a turn off or anything. While we were away he slapped my bum quite a few times while we were having sex and afterwards said ‘you really enjoy me being rough with you don’t you?’ to which I replied ‘you’re not rough and I like it’ because I do like our sex life.

Yesterday morning he had to leave early as he was getting a flight and gently woke me up at about 5am making it clear he fancied sex. I was pretty sleepy and he asked me if I minded if he was rough with me and I said of course not, assuming he just meant he was going to be slapping my bum a bit again which, as I said, I don’t mind him doing. Then everything seemed to happen really quickly and he grabbed my hair and pretty much lifted me up by it. He then kept choking me, slapping and pinching and biting me all over and picking me up and throwing he back on the bed, dragging me by my hair and really, really hurting me. He had sex with me incredibly roughly too. I started crying while he was having sex with me and trying to ask him to stop but everytime I tried to say something he choked me or put his hand in my mouth.

As soon as he finished he said that he didn’t mean to make me cry but he had to go away for a few days and he’d see me soon. As if I was crying because he had to leave and not because he’d just really hurt me.

I have bite marks and scratches all over me, I’m absolutely covered in bruises and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection as I’m so sore when I urinate. I don’t know what happened or why he suddenly did this. He’s never seemed to want to hurt me before and even when he was doing it he seemed to be saying things that made it sound like he thought I was enjoying it.

It’s like the person I thought I knew didn’t exist. I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated.

He hasn’t really been in contact other than to say his flight landed and a few photos of where he is. He hasn’t asked me how I am or made any mention of the fact that yesterday morning he had hurt almost every part of my body.

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I can have sex with him again as he terrified me. I don’t want to have sex with someone who wants to physically injure me.

We had a really nice few days together and then he turned into a different person and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
MintyNew · 07/09/2024 15:56

Oh op, sending you a big hug. This was a brutal assault. Please consider reporting this to the police while the bruises are there. This animal needs to be in jail for doing this. I'm so sorry.

Thesheerrelief · 07/09/2024 16:39

Definitely assault. I'm so sorry, OP. Even for people who are into 'rough' sex this is way out of line - no discussion or agreement on boundaries or limits, no safe words, no checking in, no after care.

As others have said, please do consider reporting this to the police.

LunaNorth · 07/09/2024 17:17

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here.

OP, my heart goes out to you.

Catoo · 07/09/2024 17:57

Please stop communicating with him.
He knows you will be injured. He doesn’t care.

If in the future, you decide to bring him to justice, your texts will be scrutinised. His replies are making it look like it was a consensual thing. This man is a few steps ahead of you. He’s got away with it before and every time you engage with him he has the opportunity to trivialise this.

Please protect yourself by stopping all communication. There can be no need to ever speak to this man again.

You do need to have your implants checked by specialists.

I’m sorry you’re still in so much pain. Wishing you well in your recovery.
💐

NonsuchCastle · 07/09/2024 18:24

I am very glad you saw the doctor. I'm so sorry about your pain.
One step in front of the other. And you are not alone.

You might not be able to see us but we are real life, real people who care about you.

Thevelvelletes · 07/09/2024 18:31

I posted previously up thread when this started by op .
The more she reveals on her updates ,this wasn't an ordinary sexual encounter.
Internal injury,bite marks, scratches, bruising and now possible breast implants issues.
This was full on sexual battery and rape.
Hopefully you can get the support you desperately need and cease contact.
He could have easily killed you.

Original poster
GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 18:41

@dery I told the GP that I got the injuries during sex and I hadn’t consented to him hurting me. She wanted me to go to a specialist centre but I don’t want to right now, she was happy she’d checked everything physically, all she can’t confirm is my implants so I’ll need to see a specialist about that. She recorded all my injuries and what I said happened so if I do feel up to going to the police it will be on record there, along with my photos.

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 07/09/2024 18:43

All at your own pace . hope everything comes together for you through time.

Original poster
GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 18:47

I haven’t blocked him yet as I don’t want to risk him turning up here to find out what the matter is. I’m just ignoring his (still entirely normal and chatty) messages for now.

OP posts:
XChrome · 07/09/2024 18:58

GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 13:26

I took some photos of my neck and chest and sent them to him and said this is what you do to me. He replied ‘oops, I’ll be more careful next time’. Like there’s going to be a next time.

Why are you contacting him? Please don't. He isn't going to feel any real remorse. He does not have the empathy.
He will use texting him as evidence he did not rape you. If you must him text anything it should be "You raped and beat me." and nothing else ever again.

Original poster
GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:01

The worst thing is that every bit of me hurts and all I want to do is have him hug me and tell me it’s all alright. A few days ago I had a lovely boyfriend and now it seems he never even existed.

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:02

XChrome · 07/09/2024 18:58

Why are you contacting him? Please don't. He isn't going to feel any real remorse. He does not have the empathy.
He will use texting him as evidence he did not rape you. If you must him text anything it should be "You raped and beat me." and nothing else ever again.

Show quote history

Because I wanted him to see what he’d done to me. I don’t care about the police, not at the moment. I’m doing my best.

OP posts:
XChrome · 07/09/2024 19:14

GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:02

Because I wanted him to see what he’d done to me. I don’t care about the police, not at the moment. I’m doing my best.

Show quote history

Okay sweetie. 🩷
The thing is, you may not want to report this, but what if he does something else when he comes back? You said you didn't block him because you were afraid he would come back to check what was going on. You can't keep living in fear. Maybe you could move in with your sister for a bit?

samanthablues · 07/09/2024 19:17

GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:02

Because I wanted him to see what he’d done to me. I don’t care about the police, not at the moment. I’m doing my best.

Show quote history

He knows perfectly what he’s done to you OP, he’s just watching how you react to it. He’s your 3 year partner and knows you well so he’s 100 % sure you’re not going to the police and he’s relax and pretty sure he’ll get away with it . I’m so sorry OP but you need profesional psychological help to deal with this and the trauma bond you have to this man. I would follow the advice of your GP and go to that specialist centre, it’s free and they will be giving you the support you so much need right now. Please don’t look for support in the man that did this to you, you’re not going to get it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/09/2024 19:25

I realise you aren't thinking clearly right now, your mind is a mess...

Telling the police means that IF you have to call them because he's shown up, they are likely to turn up to your place a lot faster.

If you block him, yes, it might trigger him to come round.

However, ignoring and not responding is also likely to do that, and he is likely to try to manipulate you over time into believing this wasn't as serious as it actually was.

Telling the police is scary, it makes it even more real than seeing the GP or the specialist clinic.

But you need that, this needs to be real and stay real. The more the bruises fade and the memories fade, the easier it is for him to play this out as you over reacting, you being over sensitive, you misunderstood, it was all a mistake...

Smineusername · 07/09/2024 19:33

My wee darling I know how you are feeling and I know you just want a hug and for this all to go away and to have been a bad dream. I know that's what you want and it is so normal and human to want that. I need you to not let yourself do that. There are bad people in the world and you've run into one of them. He is a bad, malicious, dangerous person and no matter what happens you need to make sure he never gets anywhere near you ever again. Please tell more people about this so that this knowledge exists in the world and you/he can't brush it under the carpet. Message his mother or best friend and say out loud that he has violently raped you and you are fearing for your safety. Tell him you have or are going to report even if you aren't. You are going to have to fight like a tiger here to make it known that you are not the sort of person who will lie down and accept being raped as a part of life. You are going to have to fight like a tiger to honour and protect yourself from this. When you fight this fight you are acting on behalf of all women everywhere throughout time. He knows and you know what he's done. You have to be strong now. We are all behind you for as long as it takes

LunaNorth · 07/09/2024 19:42

Smineusername · 07/09/2024 19:33

My wee darling I know how you are feeling and I know you just want a hug and for this all to go away and to have been a bad dream. I know that's what you want and it is so normal and human to want that. I need you to not let yourself do that. There are bad people in the world and you've run into one of them. He is a bad, malicious, dangerous person and no matter what happens you need to make sure he never gets anywhere near you ever again. Please tell more people about this so that this knowledge exists in the world and you/he can't brush it under the carpet. Message his mother or best friend and say out loud that he has violently raped you and you are fearing for your safety. Tell him you have or are going to report even if you aren't. You are going to have to fight like a tiger here to make it known that you are not the sort of person who will lie down and accept being raped as a part of life. You are going to have to fight like a tiger to honour and protect yourself from this. When you fight this fight you are acting on behalf of all women everywhere throughout time. He knows and you know what he's done. You have to be strong now. We are all behind you for as long as it takes

I don’t think this is a very good idea.

Original poster
GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:48

Smineusername · 07/09/2024 19:33

My wee darling I know how you are feeling and I know you just want a hug and for this all to go away and to have been a bad dream. I know that's what you want and it is so normal and human to want that. I need you to not let yourself do that. There are bad people in the world and you've run into one of them. He is a bad, malicious, dangerous person and no matter what happens you need to make sure he never gets anywhere near you ever again. Please tell more people about this so that this knowledge exists in the world and you/he can't brush it under the carpet. Message his mother or best friend and say out loud that he has violently raped you and you are fearing for your safety. Tell him you have or are going to report even if you aren't. You are going to have to fight like a tiger here to make it known that you are not the sort of person who will lie down and accept being raped as a part of life. You are going to have to fight like a tiger to honour and protect yourself from this. When you fight this fight you are acting on behalf of all women everywhere throughout time. He knows and you know what he's done. You have to be strong now. We are all behind you for as long as it takes

I’m not going to see him again, absolutely no chance of that. It’s just that I miss the person I thought he was at the moment, that’s all.

OP posts:
samanthablues · 07/09/2024 19:51

LunaNorth · 07/09/2024 19:42

I don’t think this is a very good idea.

Show quote history

I agree, telling his mum you’re going to the police is madness. Protecting her “honor”? Sounds so 18th century. Her honor is not the problem, she’s suffered a horrible attack from a dangerous man she’s involved with. She’s probably very afraid if she goes to police he can do something worse. She needs support right now, good friends, sister, family or specialist centre. Involving her MIL and the drama it will generate is the last thing she needs.

Smineusername · 07/09/2024 19:54

You're a strong woman and your son is lucky to have you. So sorry you're going through this xx

Original poster
GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:56

Absolutely not getting his mum involved. She’s nearly 80, is clearly developing some kind of dementia and I have no idea what telling her that her son attacked me during sex would achieve.

OP posts:
NonsuchCastle · 07/09/2024 19:56

GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 18:41

@dery I told the GP that I got the injuries during sex and I hadn’t consented to him hurting me. She wanted me to go to a specialist centre but I don’t want to right now, she was happy she’d checked everything physically, all she can’t confirm is my implants so I’ll need to see a specialist about that. She recorded all my injuries and what I said happened so if I do feel up to going to the police it will be on record there, along with my photos.

That is very, very good. Well done, OP. Now you have evidence if you decide to go to the police. Very good.

samanthablues · 07/09/2024 19:57

GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:48

I’m not going to see him again, absolutely no chance of that. It’s just that I miss the person I thought he was at the moment, that’s all.

Show quote history

I hear ya OP, problem is that ship had sailed now, he fooled you, he was not the person you thought he was and that’s really hard to understand. You were coned, scammed, deceited, it’s terrible. I’m sure the emotional pain is as strong as the physical pain right now. Sending hugs your way xxx

Catoo · 07/09/2024 19:57

GraceOMalleyReturns · 07/09/2024 19:02

Because I wanted him to see what he’d done to me. I don’t care about the police, not at the moment. I’m doing my best.

Show quote history

I know it’s really hard to believe after three years OP. But this was not a mistake. He isn’t going to be sorry. Raping, brutalising and frightening women is, I’m afraid, what he likes. And it will escalate. Please no more messages trying to get him to be sorry. He enjoyed himself which is truly chilling - I am certain this man will be in jail for life one day.

Don’t ever agree to meet him again. Do not get pulled until any more conversations either on the phone or by msg. He’s waiting to see if you are writing this off as a mistake and if you’ll report him or if he’ll get another chance to do the same. He knows you will be completely confused and disbelieving.

Agree with PP that if this man has spent any time in your house looking after you when you were ill, ever popped to the shop for you where your keys were available, then he likely had a key cut. I would change the locks for peace of mind and install a ring go or similar.

Your GP sounds excellent and I would reconsider going to the service she recommended.

Sending all best wishes. You’re doing well. Going to the GP so quickly was a good move and it’s great you have some treatment.

💐💐

Smineusername · 07/09/2024 19:58

The cynic in me would want to put it in writing now that it is rape because I can see him lawyering away to misrepresented it. But we all know that virtually 100% of rapes go unpunished so I wouldn't put too much/any faith in the criminal justice system regardless. But so sickening to see him actively exploiting that, really stomach turning

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