I have an STI but never been with anyone except H

[whitetulips]

Ok, I went to the clinic cos I have a rash, which they said is molluscum, not suspicious in itself apart from where it is
So they swabbed me for everything, and I have chlamydia. I have been with my dh for 22 years, and only ever slept with him.
He works abroad, in Asia, and comes home every couple of months.
I asked him, and he said he has never been with anyone. He has been tempted he said, but then thought how much he loves me and dc.
Then he said if he was tempted he would wear a condom anyway, cos he is in Asia and he knows what it is like

So now what do I do????

You could use the health records that show when you were last tested (was it 18 months ago?) You cant stay with someone for the sake of the kids when they treat you like that. Anyway, if all he does is shout at them when he's home they'll be much better off without having to put up with that. Children learn about acceptable behaviour from their parents. How we treat those we love or are in relationships with is part of that. Would you like it if your daughter accepted this behaviour? What if you had a son and he did this to his partner? If its not good enough for them its certainly not good enough for you.

yes teabreakgirl you are absolutely right, when I think of my dd and ds being in my situ that is not what I want for them either.
I am so much happier when he is away, and they are seeing that, our household is calm and organised, and although they say they miss him, they are less and less bothered when he leaves. He is talking about taking another contract at the end of this one, so he hasn't really any plans to come home any time soon. so what would be the difference if we did split up, apart from the fact that he would be much less likely to send money?
I have spoken to a solicitor last year, and because of him not needing accomodation here, and me giving up my career, I would get most of the equity, so if I remortgage Ii could just about manage. So what is stopping me?

Maybe contacting relate would be a good idea? It is good that you have these 6 weeks to make up your mind what you want to do. If you are not sure about ending the marriage maybe wait till he gets back and insist on couples' counselling? It might help you make a final decision while bringing home to H what an utter arse he has been.

I think that, anyay, you need to get legal advice re. entitlements and the divorce so you know where you stand and what your options are. You don't just have the STI evidence, you have the printed out emails. What about bank/phone records?

WT, there are only two legal reasons for an irreconcilable breakdown of the marriage (you have to prove it is irreconcivably broken down) (the others take into account a separation for 2 years where both partners consent or absence for 7 years and so forth).

Reasons for a divorce under 2 years are:

1. Adultery
2. Unreasonable behaviour

There is no guilt principle anymore. However, the person that files first does usually have more control over the proceedings, i.e. determines the pace. The other party has to respond in certain time frames and you can haul him into court.

One word of caution though: if you divorce for adultery the adultery has to have taken place 6 months from where you find out about it. If you decide to ignore it, then after 6 months that option for divorce becomes void.

With regards to your children, yes it would be awful for them to go through their parents divorcing but you are teaching them a valuable lesson that makes up for the crap stuff. You are teaching them it is wrong to mess someone around and it is wrong to stay and let them. I wish you lots of luck.

Yes. whitetulips I agree with notabanana. Good luck. And incidentally, I went to the gp today thinking I had a water infection or some such thing. I told her some symptoms and she said it could be chlamydia. I thought of this thread immediately as I know its not from me either. Ive been with dp for over 7 years.We have two dc's. 3yrs and 9 months. So ive been tested too, during pregnancy but she said if I don't think it could be that she won't bother testing!! I find out in 5 days.

Oh tea break girl I hope you don't get the same news I did.

When I went to the clinic a tiny biy of me was hoping I would find something, but now they have I am struggling to know what to do with it. Perhaps relate on my own in the next 6 weeks would be a good start.

As for the divorce reasons, I could say giving me chlamydia is unreasonable behaviour, as I beleive you have more of a burden of proof with adultery, but I can say giving me an STI is unreasonable to me and he can't really argue that one.

Cite both as reasons? They both apply.

Interesting point from Alexa about the time span for proceedings.

yes, I would count the 6 months as from the day I got the diagnosis, but I think I will get legal advice on that one.

Get legal advice as soon as you can so you can protect yourself. And try to talk this through with somebody in real life - whether a relate councellor or a trusted friend.

Take care of yourself.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is the end. How can I possibly let him near me each time he comes home, without knowing what he has been up to, or has been treated for what he obviously has got now

I can't see him putting up with that for long. I have been advised that I can cite an STI as unreasonable behaviour, without having to cite adultery, but I am unsure how to start. Can I start a petiton without telling him, or am I supposed to discuss ancilliary stuff first? I don't even have an address to send the papers to.

whitetulips - maybe start a thread in legal section? Its more likely to be seen by those with expertise in that area IYSWIM.

Not sure on those questions WT. have honestly really thinking about you this week. I just think that its such a horribly nasty way to find out what he's been up to. Sadly, i fear it might be a fairly common way too.

I told my DH when he came home this weekend, he's flying off to CHina tonight on business. Didn't tell him for any particular reason, just conversation, and he got really upset thinking I was suggesting something to him.he works away from home mon-fri every week. After assuring him I wasn't he told me of a work colleague who had exactly the same thing happen to him, only it was his wife that had the affair and passed it on to him.

He only found out, through the company medical for health insurance- he had a full 'well mans' screen and it showed up in that. Such a shock. They had been together for 20 years, and she had been having an affair for 10 years, he had no inkling

The best it is ( if you can say there's a best bit ) she found out she'd got it from 'the other man' who had been 'unfaithful' to her for 10 years... talk about karma hey.

Anyway, sure you're not at all interested in that.

Have you spoken to a solicitor at all? maybe contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau, they can make an appointment for you to talk to a solicitor in one of their surgeries on the appropriate day. If you are on a low income you can get this advise free. They will tell you if your own personal income falls into the category. Otherwise, some solicitors offer a one off consultation fee for a one off session for advice. Perhaps this is also worth looking into.

I used the service of the CAB, they gave me an appointment on the day that a solicitor who specialized in family and divorce law would be there. She was fantastic and told me how to go about everything, what order to do it in, and gave really good, sound advice. ( my 1st marriage, I knew my exH was having an affair but had no way to prove it, just his word saying he wasn't - found one too many long black hairs in our bed, one too many times. )

Oh, good luck WT, I'm really thinking of you. if you just want to talk at all, there are so many people here, or, you can emial me if you ever want to; s u s i e b r e t t a t m a c dot c o m

WT: I've found and cited this for you, hun.

In general one must present a divorce petition within no more than six months from the last incident of unreasonable behaviour relied upon if the parties are continuing to live together.

It should also be remembered that there are time limits involved in adultery just as there are in the case of unreasonable behaviour. A person who intends petitioning for divorce on this ground must do so within six months of becoming aware of the adultery (which is not the same as within six months of it taking place) otherwise he/she is taken to have "condoned" it. This is rather a quaint word but the reality is that many marriages can survive adultery and the law merely recognises the fact. However, this six months period only applies if the parties continue to live together after the discovery. If they have not lived together for more than six months after finding out about the adultery then this time limit is not relevant.

This website here is quite comprehensive. Good luck!

www.terry.co.uk/divorce.html

Whitetulips, I've been keeping an eye on your thread. You sound very level headed, enjoy your next few weeks and best of luck.

"How can I possibly let him near me each time he comes home, without knowing what he has been up to, or has been treated for what he obviously has got now? I can't see him putting up with that for long. "

Well, he'd better ask himself why, then, hadn't he? What a nerve!

I have seen the Terry site, I think it is very useful.
I think the CAB is a very useful port of call they have a centre in our village, I will try and get an appointment.
I have an appt back at GUM next week ,where I can talk through what has happened to me, and check it has gone. I have had treatment, and ALL the possible tests I could have, including HIV, (thank god that was neg).

I am level headed, I have been kidding myself that we can live like this, as we have been managing for 18 months, but I can't see a way forward now, and I am less and less bothered about the money side of things, I will struggle, but for my self esteem I need to sort this.

Hi WT. Was wondering how you were doing. You really sound so bloody sorted and level headed. Its a sad thing to be going through, but your strength will keep you going through it you know.

Wish I could help you more, not sure why this has prayed on my mind so much, but it really has. Maybe because of what my exH did to me. I remember how I felt, i'll never forget that feeling, when I first found long dark hairs in my bed, on my pillow, then the look on his face, whilst he lied so blatently to me. I think its just really stuck a chord with me.

I hope the CAB can provide you with some sound advise, and you can plan a way to move forward from this.

I have received legal advice, and an STI is enough to petiton for unreasonable behaviour. I am level headed, but I just need to get my courage together. Don't know how to start the conversation. Shall I email him or wait til he comes home in June?
How do I tell the kids?
I don't want to be seen as the baddie in this and that is how he will spin it.

Difficult one to answer that. It depends if you really want to take it to the next level, of petitioning for divorce, or do you want to go down the road of councelling and perhaps finding a way to stay together? Are you certain that you want divorce?

Obviously, I wouldn't blame you at all, just that with a little time, you may decide that you don't want it to be over and that you can nove forward together, with obvious conditions, on his behaviour, where you all live etc. Do you really think the marriage is over? Not a stupid question. couples are able to stay together, even after infidelity like this. It can happen, of course if both of you are willing and want to. With work and councelling etc, you could do it.

I think that before you do anything else, i.e. make any decisions, tell him anything, you need to be absolutely certain of what you want. you don't need to tell the children anything for the time being. I think that it would be a good idea to get your head together, work out what you want, maybe go to some counseling by yourself before he's back, either way,what ever you actually decide you want to do. I totally get the impression that for you it is over, and I also think thats totally understandable and wholly justified. I just also feel, perhaps if you let the dust settle a little, for you, in your mind, before you make any bigger decisions,that are not based on reaction to all of this you will be better equipped to deal with firstly, how and what you tell him, secondly, how and what you tell the children, and you won't ever regret what you decide to do.

You have some time on your side. He's not here for a while, this gives you good time and space to sort yourself out. Make arrangements if needs be.

So I guess, in answer to your question, don't email him, or tell him until he's back. If you really can't face doing it face -to -face, then maybe mail him just before he's due back, but at least give your self the same length of time IYSWIM? HTe other thing that occurred to me was, that he may not come home as planned, if you do it via email. I realise you may not give a shit if you see him again! However, you will need to talk at some stage about arrangements for the children, maintenance, who has what,finances etc. This would be much easier if he's at least in the country.

I really do feel for you. Not an easy time at all, by any means. not sure if i've been any help at all really. I'm sure i've not told you anything you don't already know. hoe some of it helps.

Thanks Susie, that is very constructive and reasoned advice
You are right about the email thing, I will wait until he is here. I have a suspicion he will make things difficult, and warning him what my plans are may give him an opportunity.
I have felt that my marriage is in real trouble for about 3 years. I asked him for support and told him I was unhappy, and he said it was all a surprise to him that I felt like that, and 'he would get back to me!'
I am still waiting for that response. He does not do talking or emotion (hence me asking for support)
At that point we were living abroad, and he did facilitate our moving back to the UK, so that was supportive, but he can't or won't get a job here, despite saying he would like to. He says that providing a 'lifestyle' for our children is more important to him than actually living with them ???
Our lifestyle is not lavish, we have a standard house, 8 yr old car, not holidays every year and hardly any savings.
He had a hard childhood, so I understand that for him providing is the thing that defines fatherhood.
But to me it is about time, knowing your children, what they like to do, their friend's names, favourite music etc, not a 'lifestyle'

So I have felt like ending it for a while, without really having any concrete reason to, but not wanting to upset the dc when I could continue how we are. I am used to living as a single parent, and the children are used to it and happy with it. I do not want to seek another partner, can't imagine anything worse, but I can't see us ever being able to live together. I have no feelings for him at all.

I had some counselling last year as I was struggling, which helped me to put all the issues into perspective. I am aware that the remaining issue is my relationship, or lack of one with my H, but I just can't make up my mind. Keep going as is,(but obviously no sex with him) or start the ball rolling on a possibly acrimonious, expensive battle? I am going round in circles.

Sorry, it is late and I am tired, but it helps to express myself

talk away love

I know how important and useful it can be. I have a similar situation with my DH in terms of him working away from us, and thinking it more important due to what he can provide for us by doing so. Its hard being on your own with the DC all the time. I feel like a single parent too. I realise that those on here who really are on their own would resent me or you saying this. understandably.

However, I think the fact that you are with your partner, you have expectations of the responsibility they should be actively taking in both your childrens lives and your life, and the life of your relationship. This is where the resentment comes into play. As your actual partner, with which you have an active relationship, you feel they should care about you and your needs, let alone the needs of the Dc. With a family who have one parent non resident and not actually in a relationship with you , it just doesn't hold the same expectations. I feel resentment that i'm doing it all, all the time. That i'm responsible 24/7. That emotionally I am not getting the support I need and indeed should be getting from a man who I love and who is supposed to love and care for me. not sure if i'm making sense here! I sometimes think i'm worse off, as if I were in this situation with no partner, then at least I would have the choice and option to go out and find myself a man to share my life with! I really must stress here, that I actually don't want anyone else at all, i've no intention of wanting to meet anyone else. I love my DH more than I can express. I just don't love the situation we are in, at all. I want him here, with me all the time. not away, working for us, working for a future and a life style we are not even living since we are not together! I have put it to him, why are you doing all this? why stay so far away? what is it for if you are not actually here, sharing our life together? Much the same as your point I feel with your DH.

My DH has huge problems with emotions. He finds it dificult to express his own, and impossible to understand mine. He does have mild aspergers syndrome. Something that I pushed for diagnoses, as i found it so difficult to understad why he could not see, and understand the most simple of emotional needs and expectations that go with a relationship. He was tested, and as it happened did 'score' highly in all the aspects that effect emotions, empathy, etc. Some may look at my DH and say their DH is just the same only not quite as bad. Some neurophychologists refer to AS as 'very male brain syndrome' as many of the traits, are infact attributed to men in general. Anyway, i've digressed totally! I'm so sorry, there was a point to this...

I guess i'm just trying, badly, to say I utterly epathise with your situation, as far as how your relationship has been. I don't have a husband who has been unfaithful to me. I am not on the verge of making a decision to end my marriage. However, i'm living the rest of what you describe and I know how diffucult that can be.

I think i said it before on here somewhere but, if you'd like to talk of the forum, anytime, about this, please please feel free to. I know how important it is to just get stuff off your chest with people who are not close to you, and who can be truly objective. do feel able to email me at

susie brett at mac dot com I'm happy to talk, anytime I can.

Sorry for such an incredibly long post. yours just struck a real chord with me. I'm embarrassed at going on so much, but as i'm sure you know, sometimes once you start it just all kind of flows a bit! take care, and please get in touch if you feel the need.

That is a lovely and sensitive post SCB and a lot of it struck a chord with me and my own relationship x