I have an STI but never been with anyone except H

[whitetulips]

Ok, I went to the clinic cos I have a rash, which they said is molluscum, not suspicious in itself apart from where it is
So they swabbed me for everything, and I have chlamydia. I have been with my dh for 22 years, and only ever slept with him.
He works abroad, in Asia, and comes home every couple of months.
I asked him, and he said he has never been with anyone. He has been tempted he said, but then thought how much he loves me and dc.
Then he said if he was tempted he would wear a condom anyway, cos he is in Asia and he knows what it is like

So now what do I do????

Blanktyblank, I hate to add a cynical note, but you do realise he could have had himself treated 4 weeks previous to the test and wouldn't have had to tell you, because the doctor wouldn't have been able to mention it.

BlanketyBlank, if you were treated effectively during your pregnancy and cleared the infection before the birth, your baby is not at risk, as it is passed onto the baby during the bith itself and not whilst baby is in womb, so i wouldn't worry too much about that- some baby just have gooey eyes - mine certainly has!!

oops - sorry, just ready your post properly - doh! did your baby have a bad eye infection shortly after birth? It would normally show up within a few weeks. If you are worried, go back to your GP x

Oh how awful for you. I have to reiterate what others have said about sia, again for me, alarm bells rang. Women hang around western men, as MuckyAnthea says, but ime many many men who spend a lot of time in Asia do so precisely because of this.
What an absolute tosser. I do hope that he is earning plenty of money whilst playing roulette with your health, I would suggest very strongly that you get your house in order financially whilst you are searching for further evidenceof his behaviour. I agree with Colditz, how can you ever trust someone again who has betrayed you on so many fundamental levels. I do hope things work out for you.

Asia, not sia!!!

am very worried now coz if my theory is right that my previous partner gave it to me then that means that both of my kids aged 7 &10 were born while i had this infection .
i feel sick with worry now .
the clinic never said anything about the possibility that my children could be in fected,please if anyone has any info on this i would be very gratefull

Thanks all, I have printed all the emails, and they are stored at my parent's house for safety. They were deleted pretty damn quick, but not quick enough for me not to find them
I have been pondering my future for a while now, and am getting my financial affairs in order.
As everyone has said, it is not the sex that has upset me, it is the blatnt disregard for my health.
I will post more tomorrow after dh has gone back to Asia,so he won't see this, and no he has not been treated yet, so he aint coming anywhere near me.
I am calm, because I have had the possible evidence of emails for a while, and have been waiting for my opportunity. I feel like this is now the endgame of our marriage, and I am in control.
Thanks all, better go, and will be back tomorrow eve

Hi Blankety blank. Please don't get yourself all worried. Firstly IF and this is a very big IF, your children did get it, they would have caught it through the birth process rather than whilst in the womb. Children who catch it this way, get it in their eyes and sometimes get a funny kind of pnuemonia as they come into contact with it. You would see symptoms of this very early on - either with conjunctivitis or with pnuemonia type symptoms. You would have known if they had pnuemonia. The eye infection that you mention could POSSIBLY be chlamydia but it may not be. Did your dd's eyes get swabbed if she had recurrent infections? If so, this would have shown it up. Niether of your children will be at risk of the long term effects of genital chlamydia that we are all familair with i.e. infertility, because they would not have got this form of the infection. Please don't worry or blame yourself - it is just an infection, anybody can get it and it's not as if you intentionally did anything. Go back to your GP to look over the records of you dd's eyes infection and if she ever had swabs, but please don't start blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong. Also, congenital chlamydia is not a big concern, even though chlamydia rates are huge, and this is reflected in the fact that you were not advised to test your kids etc when you were diagnosed at the STI clinic, where they are experts in this field. i hope this is of help xx

Good luck WhiteTulips. It sounds like you've known that things weren't right for a while. You sound like you have strength reserves in place for the difficult journey ahead. Good Luck

Can you go back to the clinic for counselling and to be 100% confident of the facts around your infection and where it has come from?

Then speak to dh again once you are rock solid on your facts and have had a chance to talk things through with a counsellor.

Shit, how awful. I really feel for you. So sorry love

I think you know the truth of whats been going on here. Such a horrible, sad truth, with SO many implications. For you, and your childen. I don't mean about them having possible contracted it congenitally, I think it unlikely as you've only just tested positive for it.

If you had a negative test 18months ago, you can completely rule out that it was you that had it via your mother - hugely unlikely, anyway, as you'd have had some symptom before now. Additionally, having it for that length of time, would almost certainly have caused infertility.

You've had no intercourse with another man for 22 years, and prior to that, there had been no -one else anyway. So, you can completely rule out that you or any other man is the cause of it. ( I realise you have already done this, i'm just trying to be pragmatic here)

So, other cause is your DH. He may have been infected with it before he was with you. Although, again, very unlikely that you would have tested negative for it 18months ago. There is not really anyway, that had he had it all this time, that you would have only just had a positive test for it. It would have shown up long before now.

THe only possible source of the infection is your DH. This had to have happened some time in the last 18 months.

He cannot refute the evidence, you are currently being treated for the evidence of his infidelity. He has definitely given it to you, and he has contracted it from a women he is either seeing still or has had a relationship or someone he's randomly had sex with.

I am so so sorry WT. I know I've written this incredibly bluntly, but, It was more really so you can get it clear in your mind, perhaps present it to him i the same way? He simply cannot insult your intelligence in this way! How can he even suggest that you caught it any other way?

I guess, you are in the strongest position really, as you can now take your time, work out what you want to do, and put plans into place. Perhaps even do all of this first, decide if you want to remain with him, if not, then get yourself prepared for it. If you would consider it, should he tell you the truth, then you can have it all on standby.

You need to confront him again, with the facts, which are as I, and many others on the thread have shown you.

I just feel for you so much. What a horrible situation to be in. I'm afraid also, that i'd advise you to have an HIV test. THis is separate to all the other tests you've had, so wouldn't have shown up, unless they did do a blood test at the same time.

Shit, I"M just so for you and so incredibly on your behalf. Horrible, lying, cheating bastard, who can't even have the decency to own up to what he's been doing when confronted with such definite evidence.

Good luck WhiteTulip, you are in my thoughts so much.

thanks so much mimismummy ,how come you know so much?
im such a plank for not asking if it could of affected my children when i had the chance to.
my ds didnt have any symptoms unlike my dd whose one eye was badly infected and yes she did have swabs taken but at that point in time i was unaware that i had this infection,so they wouldnt of been looking for this infection.
swabs came back clear and they put it down to blocked tear ducts,or sticky eyes.
what i dont understand is that if i did get it from my previous partner howcome it took so long for my symptoms to appear and why when i gave birth to my ds (10yrs)ago did he not get the eye infection?.
and another thing that bothers me is that i was with my 1st sexual partner for a year and with my dh for 4 years before this chlamydia showed itself and i cant grasp the fact that his test was negative????? .we were both treated at the same time then retested 4 weeks later an both were clear.
how can i have sex with someone so many times and not pass it on to him ,im confused can anyone help me out?

Whilst your dh is away I would spend some money (if you can afford it) on a trip to relate and a trip to the nearest mall/high street. If you are going to end this marriage and for some it is not the end, then get things sorted and know your rights. There seem to be teams of women who can give you advice on MN.
I wish you all the very best of luck and if you separate may your split be swift and as painless as possible. I really feel for you.

Teary eyes here. Just having thoughts how lucky I am to have my DH.

I am so so sorry for you WT but proud that you seem in control and are making plans for your future. I can't comment on whether he has cheated on you and passed the STI on as I am not a GP, nor can I see inside your H's head, but it isn't looking good.

Take care.

Does he know you have Chlamydia? If not then maybe by telling him he may tell you more - it may make him feel guilty.

If you really think that this is a recent infection then it does look like he must have passed it on to you.

oh - sorry - I'll read back because I didn't read it all

white tulips - so very sad for you. Looks very much like your dh passed it on to you. Men do lie unfortunately. A few months ago I would've read this post and felt just like Notabanana - feeling how lucky I am that my dh is not a bastard. Unfortunately he did cheat on me (for a year) without me having so much as an inkling. He lied when I confronted him but I found the evidence so he was forced to admit it. He went for tests (I insisted, even though he said he used condoms)and they were all negative. He has to go for an HIV re-test next month as HIV has an incubation period of 3 months. If I were you I would insist that he has these tests and get them done yourself. I felt like you about the health issue. You don't fuck about with the life of someone you're supposed to love. Wish you lots of strength whatever you decide to do

Wobblyhead - warts are caused by the HPV virus and the manifestation of warts is said to be the non-cancerous strain of HPV. It can lie dormant for years and is extremely infectious. You may well have had it for years without knowing, then the warts can come out at a time your immune system is under pressure e.g pregnancy. There is every chance your dp did not pass it on to you and that even if he did, he could've had it before you even met (and not known).

Hi bb - sorry its taken me so long to reply. I work in GUM so That's how I know! Firstly, if they swabbed your dd's eyes they may well have tested for chlamydia - best to ask your GP. I am reassured that they didn't find any sign of infection in the swabs, though, and think this is a good indication that she didn't have it. Secondly, I don't know how long you had been with your dh before you were tested. It is unlikley that you would have had chlamydia for years and years without knowing about it. Your body does clear the infection after a long while, and if it hadn't, you would have got symptoms as the infection progressed. Either there is something your dh isn't telling you - and this may not be the case - or your dh possibly got a false negative. False negatives can happen if, for instance, your dh's test was a urine test and he had gone to the loo shortly before going to provide the sample. So, i don't know whether this helps to answer your question about how you could have had it for so long. Thirdly, it is possible that you could have simply not passed the infection on to your dh, it does happen, although it is less and less likely the longer you have been with him. Fourthly, if you did have the infection when your first child was born, he may just have been lucky and not caught it - just as sometimes you don't catch colds off loved ones etc. Hope this helps, do post if there's any other questions you have or go to your gp or local gum. They are experts and will be able to reassure you xx

Sorry - just thought I'd better stress that false negatives are very very rare!

mimismummy ,thanks for your response .i had been with dh 4 years and had two kids by him before i found out that i had chlamydia.
dont think he has cheated tho we are always toghether and he works 2 jobs so no opportunitites to cheat,do you think its poss that because he is circumsised that it could be a factor of why he proved negative?
gonna go to ask gp this week ,how cringe worthy

Hi BB. circumcision wouldn't have affected the test result, but he simply just may have been lucky enough not to have caught it, it does happen, hard as it is to believe - I have seen this before. Either that or the test was a false negative. Both scenarios, whilst highly unusual and unlikely, do occur. In any case, the important thing is you caught it, were treated and are not infection free. Furthermore, if he had a swab test, which was more common up until a few years back, these were more likely to throw up false negatives than the urine test, which is commonplace now and much more accurate.

What a nightmare - you sound so calm.

Hopefully whilst he is away you will have time to gather your thoughts and decide what you want to do and where you want to go from here.

All the best

Well I now have 6 weeks til he comes back, to gather my thoughts.
We have been living like this for 18 months before that we were all in a different part of Asia, so I know all about the women who are like flies round sh%t ha ha the men really are sh%t aren't they?

Our relationship has been struggling for about 3 years seriously, and tbh while he was only coming home so infrequently it suited me. He was coming home and throwing his weight around, not helping round the house, and treating it like a hotel, and shouting at the kids. However, I am not earning much (gave up good job to move to Asia with him)so need the money he sends.

I now have a better job, and feel happier and calmer, and was working towards telling him I want a divorce. However, he came home this time and has been quite civilised, done some jobs round the house, not losing his temper.
Guilty consience I now ask???

I told him all I know about my infection, and obviously by the condom conversation he was willing to let me know he has thought about being unfaithful, but not to confess.

Deep down he must understand what I was telling him, ie that I know. He has never been good at emotional conversation, but sooner or later will his conscience make him tell me the truth, given that he knows I know?

Or will he think he has a lucky escape??
If I divorce him can i cite an STI and that is it? Or will he say prove it was him not me, which of course I can't. How do I prove I have not been with anyone??

I am so confused and yes most of the time I am strong, but fearful of saying the words I want a divorce. I so didn't want to do that to my kids.