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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have an STI but never been with anyone except H

102 replies

whitetulips · 18/04/2008 19:51

Ok, I went to the clinic cos I have a rash, which they said is molluscum, not suspicious in itself apart from where it is
So they swabbed me for everything, and I have chlamydia. I have been with my dh for 22 years, and only ever slept with him.
He works abroad, in Asia, and comes home every couple of months.
I asked him, and he said he has never been with anyone. He has been tempted he said, but then thought how much he loves me and dc.
Then he said if he was tempted he would wear a condom anyway, cos he is in Asia and he knows what it is like

So now what do I do????

OP posts:
PosieParker · 18/04/2008 21:31

If you husband is hell bent in lying to you I would ensure you have a copy of that email, or he may deny that you've ever read it. I really feel so dreadful for you.
The condom comment shows that he's thought about it with some seriousness.
You must be at your wits end. I am so impulsive I would have wrecked the house and thrown my dp out by now.

wannaBe · 18/04/2008 21:44

kill him.

Seriously, am so sorry you're going through all this. I think you know the answers though, it's what you do about it that's important now.

utterlyconfused · 18/04/2008 21:58

I think you should give him another chance to come clean without confessing that you've been "snooping". I know he's already had one chance, but he will have panicked then and you can bet your bottom dollar that it will have been on his mind since then. I'm not sure how you do it - you could say you've done some more research and you realise that there really is only one explanation. I am so sorry. This is truly horrid for you.

MuckyAnthea · 18/04/2008 23:05

I am sorry Whitetuplips, but he is lieing. As soon as you mentioned him working in Asia alarm bells rang. Women are around foreign men like flies round shit out there, and it is very very easy for men after a few drinks to be manipulated and fall prey to them. If you tested negative 18 months ago, but have it now, its come from him.

I am so so so sorry for you.
Big hugs.

SparklyGothKat · 18/04/2008 23:26

Poor you, what a pratt!! Can't believe he has denied it too.

gagarin · 18/04/2008 23:51

When is his clinic appointment? He needs one. It'll be interesting to see his reaction!

What a bl**dy sod of a man he is.

Tell him that the person he "didn't sleep with"... ha bloody ha...had better get herself to the clinic for testing asap. That'll be an awkward email.

bethoo · 18/04/2008 23:53

dont want to scare you biut i suggest you get tested for everything else. there are other STIs with no symptoms.

edam · 18/04/2008 23:58

Oh, whitetulips, am so sorry you are going through this.

Muckyanthea, don't quite buy the, oh poor men being manipulated by evil Asian hussies line. A man who sleeps around when his wife's back is turned knows exactly what he is doing.

FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 00:00

oh shit im sorry but he has definately given you this.....i think you need to be more hurt of the fact that he disregards you so much that not only has he slept with someone....but he is too fucking thick to use a condom, sexually transmitted diseases are rife in countries like that......you need to ask how many women he has slept with. You would never have found out what he was doing if he hadnt given you something....utter bastard

Alexa808 · 19/04/2008 06:20

Muckyanthea is right though. I've lived and worked in Asia many times and it's true that most Asian girls flock around caucasian men like 'flies round shit'. Adultery is more common here than in the West and certainly more established. Quite a few women I met give their men the so called pink tickets.

At the end of the day it is true that a man falls for it when he wants to fall for it. Be it 1 or 100 temptations. It's hard though being constantly bombarded... I'm certainly not letting my dp out of sight.

Poor WT, I feel so and for you.

OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 08:02

Oh gosh, you poor thing.

He is almost certainly lying.

turquoise · 19/04/2008 08:12

What a completely horrible situation, you have my sympathies.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't give a thought to the snooping aspect. I think being given an STI and then lied to about it gives you carte blanche to snoop as much as you like. If he gives you grief about it - I'm afraid that is typical bloke in a corner using defence as the best form of attack.

turquoise · 19/04/2008 08:12

What a completely horrible situation, you have my sympathies.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't give a thought to the snooping aspect. I think being given an STI and then lied to about it gives you carte blanche to snoop as much as you like. If he gives you grief about it - I'm afraid that is typical bloke in a corner using defence as the best form of attack.

turquoise · 19/04/2008 08:16

I mean attack as the best form of defence! (It's early! )

green · 19/04/2008 08:35

Also, just to add that I think chalmydia can be caught just with oral sex so condom comment is irrelevant anyway. I'm so sorry, but I think he is lying too.

cluelessnchaos · 19/04/2008 08:42

Print off as many emails as you can before he deletes them, you may need them, you sound amazingly calm about it all.

MrsMattie · 19/04/2008 08:44

Oh dear. I don't think you need to snoop for more 'evidence'. The evidence is: you have a sexually transmitted disease that you didn't have 18 years mths ago and you haven't slept with anyone apart from him. Gather your strength and talk to him again. Don't 'accuse' him, tell him you know he has slept with someone else, you aren't stupid and that it's an insult to your intelligence for him to pretend that chlamydia has just jumped out of the sky and attacked you.

Btw - has he been seen at an STI clinic, too?

Upwind · 19/04/2008 08:53

There seems to be no doubt that you caught it from him so he has been unfaithful and has not even been careful while doing it. So he must have been aware there was a risk of passing something on to you. And he has been too spineless to admit what he has done despite the evidence!

If I were you I would be trying to figure out what I wanted to happen next and maybe even consulting a solicitor to clarify my situation. I am so sorry.

cupcake78 · 19/04/2008 08:56

I agree with Mrs Mattie. You are getting treatment for the evidence! His constant denials are just a waste of time and energy now.

You need to talk to him, but you also need to think about what you want to do with your future.

CeilingCat · 19/04/2008 08:56

Agree with MissMattie

So sorry OP - this must be awful for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2008 09:22

Whitetulips

So sorry this has happened to you.

It is extremely likely that you contrated chlamydia from your husband through his sexual contact with another person. He is only thinking of himself here hence the denials.

He needs to be seen by a STI clinic as well as a matter of course.

At the very least he needs to give up his job in Asia. Working abroad and coming home only every couple of months would test the strongest of relationships to its limit and yours is being severely tested now.

Think carefully - how else has his behaviour changed?. You have stated that the relationship has been dodgy for a while now. His two plane tickets purchases are also a giveaway.

He is also becoming less discreet. If he also wants to save your marriage then fundamental changes will have to be made.
The ball is now firmly in your court.

CrushWithEyeliner · 19/04/2008 09:41

It is really important he gets seen to as well - is he aware of this?

SmugColditz · 19/04/2008 09:49

If he has so little respect for you that he has given you chlamydia and lied about it, do you really want him in your life? Do you really need any more proof that he doesn't have any respect for you than the probability that he has been sleeping with either prostitutes or very prolific women?

Because be in no doubt, and don't let love and fear of the unknown cloud your eyes - he has slept with someone else, and he has lied to you.

Alexa808 · 19/04/2008 10:33

Totally want to echo what SmugColditz says: do you want to be with a person that respects and cares so little for you and your health?

Cheating is already hard to come to terms with, but infecting and risking your life is unforgivable in my eyes.

What if he had contracted HIV, what if you had that? Or genital warts? Syphilis? Hep C? What about your life??? What about your children (for example sharing a toothbrush can transmit Hep C and it's not reversible).

Why would you stay with a person that so clearly doesn't care if you live or die? Just to stick his cock into some dirty slapper because he's 'lonely' or what...

Sorry for being so blunt and drastic. I just feel really strongly about this. You were innocently infected and he willingly took that risk.

blanktyblank · 19/04/2008 10:45

i just want to tell my story .i found out that i had chalmydia 4 months after dd was born ,had symptoms of pain during intercorse and discharge.gp took a swab it was positive and my 1st reaction was that my partner was cheating on me even though i didnt really believe that he would, we both went to the sti clinic at the hospital we were both tested for all sti,s and asked our sexual history i had only one sexual partner b4 my dh and he had 5 partners b4 me .
i was treated with a course of antibiotics which compltely cleared it up but the biggest shock was that my dh's results were clear! he didnt give it to me my previous partner had. how guilty did i feel.
now reading this thread im concerned coz my dd suffered for months after the birth with a bad eye infection and has worn glasses since she was 2yrs old(now 7)did i pass the infection on to her during the birth? and if so should i get her tested for it ? help!!!!!!!!!