fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

I didn't get the impression the OP wants his life to revolve around hers at all. I'd say they actually are partners and have started to blend their lives but it has been one sided.
There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be able to provide a space where you can spend time together and not rely on using your space all the time. She's not giving him ultimatums she's putting boundaries in place, he can choose what he does about that.

It's refreshing to read a thread that the woman doesn't went to live with her parents sue to the fact you have young kids

I hope he decides to look for a house

So in the next 6mths if he looks , puts in an offer /accepted etx so has own place and his adult kids and you can visit /have meals /stay odd night

Will you still be together

I really don’t. I’m posting here to get wider opinions and help me to get some perspective.
I didn’t start the relationship with a man in a bachelor pad situation with a group of younger guys.
It’s easy to say stop him visiting but it’s a relationship with someone who I have been with and become very close to over a long period of time. A year ago I believed this living situation was temporary so I continued with the relationship and accommodated him more at mine because of his crappy ‘temporary’ situation.
its been gradually dawning on me that he has no intention of it being temporary and now I’m in the position of working out my next steps.
i have said no to both him and one of his family members this week and have reiterated that I am not happy with how things have been, the choice is mine and the point of this thread is to help me to work out what I need to do next.
i think if the shoe were on the other foot he’d happily put up with my living in a house share with a load of younger women and him visiting but I can’t see him being happy with it all being one sided and me using his house as a base and a place to get away from it all and bring my kids over all the time and make a mess of everything, using all his facilities , eating his food and increasing his costs, stress levels and workload.

I’d like to think so but I’m now back to doubting everything that I’ve been thinking after this thread. Am I being a diva asking for this change?
he’s told me this evening he won’t even consider thinking about it until he has completed a difficult work project in two weeks so there’s my shut down for today.

Well if you're determined to keep seeing him, tell him it's dates only.

If he wants to see you, he can arrange to take you out somewhere nice, while your kids are at their dads, or you have a babysitter.

Give yourself some value and see if he ups his game. If he doesn't, and you carry on seeing him, then you'll both know how desperate you are.

Am I being a diva asking for this change? He’s told me this evening he won’t even consider thinking about it until he has completed a difficult work project in two weeks so there’s my shut down for today.

Fucking hell, op, if this doesn't knock your blinders off, I honestly don't know what will.

You are absolutely not being a diva. Well done for shutting down visits.

Keep doing that until he actually engages.

Oh and he could very easily have said “yes, you are right, things need to change - I will start thinking about next steps in mid September after the project, is that ok?” rather than shutting you down. He likes to shut you down, it seems.

I don’t care what anyone else thinks, it is seriously weird for a 50/60 year old man to live in a house share with a group of 20 somethings. It is simply not acceptable. I can’t imagine what his flatmates really think!

OP, you sound like such a nice woman.

But boy oh boy have you been walked into a loser user situation.
You and your home are being treated like a free facility.
He sees you as a free convenience.

There is no one as ugly and unattractive as a mean man taking advantage of a single parent.

Only scum do it.
And that is EXACTLY what he is.

He shuts you down because he hasn't an ounce of respect for you.

You need to wake up to this fact.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You desperately need to assert yourself and know your worth.
Get rid of this mean grifter who is saving money on the back of your children.
Disgusting behaviour.

You are absolutely not being a diva. Two weeks sounds like a lovely respite for you. He's super busy and stressed and you are largely not available [at home at any rate]. Two weeks of full time studenty living with a stressful job and no "out" should give him an opportunity to consider what he wants more fully and whether or not you have a point.

This point is exactly right.
VV

I can’t see him being happy with it all being one sided and me using his house as a base and a place to get away from it all and bring my kids over all the time and make a mess of everything, using all his facilities , eating his food and increasing his costs, stress levels and workload.

Op, he is stonewalling you. It's an abusive control tactic to shut down your partner.

Ouch. If he doesn’t have the headspace for you due due to his project, then you certainly don’t owe him (or his children and grandchildren) the comforts that your home affords them in the meantime.

You mention that you’re turned away one of his children this week—did they turn up on your doorstep, or phone/text?

100%. It also trains you not to challenge him, or bring it up for fear of his response.

What a nice guy!

Phoned and text for an impromptu visit.

Well perhaps they’ll tell Dad that they miss you, and that he’s being a manbaby who needs to pull his finger out.

lol, they’re very understanding about his living situation and are very clear that his house isn’t conducive to family life but it doesn’t bother them at all.
probably because he’s been with me and he’s had my house space as back up since he’s moved in there!

This is not on. You have a creeping of boundaries. My DP and I (of 9 years - both in our 50s), live separately. He has his own apartment and I have a house I share with my two teenage children. I go to his two nights a week when they’re with their dad and he stays with us at the weekend. When his grown up children come to visit (usually for a week or so as they live a few hundred miles away) they stay with him. They’ll usually come over to mine for dinner once while they’re down or we go out to eat. When my kids leave home I’ll move in with him (and pay rent - that will be covered by me renting out my place). That is fair and reasonable. He’s not moving in by stealth. We know we can live together - he lived with us during COVID and completely pulled his weight, but for now this works and neither of us feel used. I imagine this is the kind of set up you want and that needs to be perfectly clear. Tell him what you want, not what you don’t want.

there is no baby in the bath water.
i;m sorry, but it's just dirty water.
however much you sift through it with your fingers, there's nothing there.
but that's actually a liberation, to realise that.

His response shrieks volumes, he’s hoping you’ll stop being a silly woman and will have backed down by the time he’s finished the all too important project.
What a demeaning response.

I’d just cheerfully turn off the home comforts tap for a few weeks.

Big smiles, you think it would be good for you both to get some space as things are getting snappy recently and that’s not good honey is it 🙂

Let him enjoy the actual reality of his money-saving lifestyle without your home/time/money cushioning him from all its downsides. Let him really live it. Frat boys are great, and so are their stinky bathrooms… until there’s not an alternative one with clean fluffy towels that Mr. TooOldForThisNonsense can escape to.

He’s not making sacrifices to save money. He’s pretending to whilst bumming off you.

Give him a month of ‘space’ and watch him start looking at houses.

Back off for two weeks OP as suggested above - all smiles, I know you're busy sweetheart, I am too, we can look forward to meeting up in a fortnight.

Then WITHDRAW. Basic communication, pleasant but busy.

He will either prepare to shape up OR ship out. Never second guess yourself if it's the latter. I'm not convinced he has any plans to be with you longterm but if he has, it's time he proved he's a man not a boy. If he throws his toys out of the pram - you've accelerated a process already underway and saved yourself some time.

OP- don’t listen to people implying you are a diva. You are allowed to have a preference.

A middle aged man in a flatshare would give me the ick. It’s a very different proposition from a guy with his own place.

and besides, it’s less about where he lives and more about how he uses your place like its his own.

however, I wouldn’t set an ultimatum to get a house ( only because he’ll make out you’re being unreasonable) just quietly withdraw the benefits that allow him to continue with this lifestyle.

• he takes you out for dates, no more spending all your time together at yours
• No more him inviting his kids over.
• no more catering or cooking for him and his kids
• tell his kids you’re busy at the moment and will need notice if they want to visit. If they still ‘pop by’ - keep them at the door and politely say it’s not convenient at the moment.

I bet he Will suddenly see the benefit of getting his own place. And quicker than 6 months.

I had a similar experience with my ExH who began to have poor hygiene and wear dirty, creased clothes. He smelled and would turn up for parties/ weddings in dirty, scruffy clothes and manky trainers. Wouldn’t brush his teeth. I was made to feel like I was being shallow and unreasonable for being uncomfortable being seen with him ( I used to pray I wouldn’t bump into work colleagues as I was embarrassed by him). He’d make a big thing about being a great guy who wasn’t interested in appearances.

I was made out to be controlling for nagging him to wash/ brush teeth/ brush hair/ asking him to wear clean clothes/ smart clothes for weddings

as it turned out, it was probably a passive aggressive way to wind me up. And he was showing me disrespect. He soon smartened up when he was chasing after a 25 year old colleague.

this man is disrespecting you. And disrespecting your wishes. You are entitled to state your expectations and preferences. It’s up to him if he wants to meet them.

Countdown to this guy getting his DC and GDC to pressure the OP with "we all miss you so much, please host us and wait on us hand and foot ☹️☹️" messages. Lots of "you're like another mum to us".

Stay strong OP, don't let the users grind you down, you deserve peace in your own home.

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

he what???? kich him out now!