fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

Having read all your posts @amedeusamadeus , it sounds like he isn’t that great a guy. ( even though he’s been nice to you -so far)

the fact that he dumped his eldest kids and brought up another woman’s children makes him sound vile. I can see why you empathise with his adult kids- they’ve been treated appallingly. What man lets his wife make his kids unwelcome at his home? There’s more to this story, which could give you insight into why he’s behaving the way he is.

sounds like the ex wife could be a victim of bad PR. Could it be he was cock lodging at her house and she wanted space too? Or that he has dumped his kids for the chance to freeload/marry a nurse with a purse?

I think you are completely in the right, OP, but I could see how your situation could be twisted by him. I could imagine him getting comfy in your home- next thing you know, you’re being painted as the bad guy because you don’t want his family camping out there all weekend.

I feel frustrated with having to keep saying how I feel but maybe I’m not being as clear as I think I can be? how to spell it out as clearly and literally

He knows, he has told you that he doesn't want to talk about it. He clearly has understood what you told him, he just has no fucks to give if you are unhappy, as he is pleased with the current situation.

I do wonder if the fact he is happy in the frat house situation as you put it, is putting you off him. I admit I would not find that very attractive.

Hmmm, it sounds like he jumps from one relationship to the next, leaning on whichever woman is available to be the adult, arrange housing, provide entertainment, generally look after him. He has no idea how to be a grown up on his own, have proper relationships with his children, cook and clean for himself. He probably thought you'd jump at the chance of having him live with you and is now at a loss for what to do.

Do you think he will ever change, op? Also the fact he'd happily leave you to get stressed while you look after everyone (including his family) suggests he'd be a rubbish partner to live with.

Im surprised you just accepted and backed down after he said "I don't want to talk about it." Excuse me? The cheek of this man. He does have the luxury of not discussing something he's doing in your home that you're not happy about. You should have dumped him arse right then because that should have told you everything you need to know.

The weird thing is he’s very houseproud and organised, he’s much tidier and more together than me and his house previously was immaculate, he’s much more effective than me when he does help out with my housework, his own calendar organising is immaculate, and his work ethic and dedication to hobbies are second to none!

How much of this is jealousy do you think? You've mentioned a lot about him having more money than you and less outgoings than you. Clearly, this is really annoying you. But him having his own place for you to visit occasionally isn't going to change your situation. You don't want to live together, so you are always going to have less money, more responsibilities and spend most of the time at your house because of your children.

That is a separate issue to his children. It sounds like you have unintentionally encouraged this situation to happen. You feel sorry for them and didn't want to reject them like his last wife did, but in doing so they now feel they are welcome to just come over when they wish. I doubt you'll be able to put a stop to this now without it affecting your relationship with them. But this cannot go on. You are not happy. Just lay your cards on the table with them all and accept that this relationship probably won't or shouldn't continue. Then next time put boundaries in place and stick to them.

I was kind of blindsided when he said it and then something interrupted or something, I can’t remember exactly what and it didn’t really come back to me until this weekend when I told him to come back to me with his plan (he hasn’t yet)

If he's that organised, he's not finding a house because he's not looking.

100% this.

As I’ve said to a different poster upthread, I wouldn’t say jealousy per se, more a simmering resentment boiling over that he’s having all the fun without any of the effort that goes on behind the scenes .
part of the reason I’ve cut him so much slack is because of the pressure of his job but now I realise that I’m also under immense pressure and nobody’s cutting me any slack.
i don’t care about expensive stuff that I think he wastes his money on and I think he’s entitled to spend it on whatever he wants but not to the detriment of me and my life.
if he was taking full responsibility for his own space and not using my space as a break from his adolescent studenty digs then I wouldn’t feel like I had any place to comment on his spending.
part of my ongoing confusion in all this has been that actually, yes he is taking full responsibility for himself, he has a home he’s happy in, works hard and has plenty of money to live well so is his choice of home really an issue or any of my business?

I think its the holiday that’s really opened my eyes to how much things have changed for us at home

How so?

Also OP- if he’s very organised, this is a calculated move. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He is squirrelling away loads of money. I think this is beyond just laziness- it’s a strategy to save as much as possible/ get you to think it’s easier for him to just move in.

I have pretty much said all the suggested things, he alternated between saying he gets it and will change to saying he doesn’t know what I want or the last time I tried to discuss it before Sunday he said ‘I don’t want to talk about it’
It needs to stop, and stop now, because he isn't going to stop, no matter what you say - he has just told you that. He has just told you that it is continuing, and does not want to discuss it.
Start this weekend - Covid, Migraine, the squits, Novo Virus, just lie.
Stop the flow any how you can. Then regroup, it's not a discussion, it's a 'NO'. Next weekend, 'Sorry, I won't be able to host, I am busy', or you have a friend's family coming.
You need that gap in the traffic, in order to reset. Then you can be truthful about your feelings, but stop the traffic first.
He knows exactly what he is doing. I guarantee he won't like the change.

Has he said he is using your home as a break from his housemates?

Personally, I don't really see how you can tell him how to live when you don't live together or have any intention of living together. You aren't partners, you are boyfriend and girlfriend. Your children's home is with you, and until you and him decide to live together he doesn't need to provide a home for your children to visit occasionally. You have separate lives and those lives are very different from each other. His living arrangement works for him. Yours works for you. This resentment you are feeling is not his fault. Your life is hard for sure, but he is not the cause of that and him making his own life less convenient will not change your life.

I think OP wants to provide a home that SHE can visit sometimes, when her kids are at their dad's place, for example!

Have you actually read this thread @HollyKnight ?

the only way OP is ‘telling him how to live’ is by saying he can’t grift off her and use her home like an Air BnB.

And HIS kids to visit, not hers.

It's faciliating his life at her expense in time and resources that's the issue.

She mentioned her children. And he provides that with weekends at hotels. If you read her posts she actually wants to see him less. Midweek and weekends is too much. She's blaming that on him not having his own home because it means he comes to hers to get time away from his roommates. But she can change this situation herself by saying no to him coming over. It doesn't require him having to buy/rent a place on his own to solve this.

That’s exactly how I feel. I was coming home from work recently after a really shit day. I didn’t want to go straight home, I just wanted to go to his house and have a cuddle with who I believed to be my ‘partner’ and have some support like I give him when he comes to mine but I couldn’t because I don’t know what I will be walking into and I don’t feel welcome there at all.
I don’t want to turn up like bloody yoko Ono and doom all over their fun or be hanging around with a bunch of girls half my age like another one of their groupies but the old woman , the lounge is not private, his room is cramped and he complains that nobody’s looking after the kitchen or bathroom.
Im not ever invited there apart from an appeasing ‘you’re welcome any time’, when I say how I feel, compartmentalised and slightly used.
I have been there briefly a handful of times, (usually en route somewhere when he needs to pick up something) it really feels worlds apart from my adult life, I can see why he prefers to spend time at mine, there’s privacy at mine and all home comforts and it’s a proper home.
if I’d seen this at the beginning of our relationship I don’t think I’d still be with him now but as mentioned previously, when we got together he had a beautiful house and when that ended I presumed he’d have another nice place for himself.
his house when married was also beautiful and much bigger and nicer than mine so I kind of assumed when he said he was looking to buy that he’d be looking at something at least as half as nice as what he’s already had.
i do think he enjoys the company with his friends and that another reason I have been reticent in saying this is likely the hill I’m going to die on

She wants him to get his own place so they will all stop visiting her so much. You know what else will stop them visiting so much? Telling them no. You know who has that power? The OP.

He has ‘provided’ less than a handful of weekends at hotels and I always pay my way with dinner, drinks etc because I don’t want to feel like a freeloader .
those weekends only happened more recently because I said I have had enough of being the sole provider of everything.
i want to see him less at mine AND have free time for myself and if he had his own place I would still get to see him as much as realistically possible but currently his time at mine has moved into him just doing his thing at mine like it’s his home so it’s not as though we’re having quality time together during all the times I see him

Holly, don't be ridiculous. Of course she wants her 50/60 something boyfriend not to live in a house share with 20 somethings so that she can visit there just as readily as he can visit her. That's not unreasonable for two mature adults.

I suspect you are missing the point on purpose, so I shan't engage further.

Everything @HollyKnight is saying is the exact reason why I haven’t felt confident about stating my bottom line more effectively.
it makes me doubt myself more and then feel guilty.
I know I can change how things affect me and I have been very clear about my feelings.
I have put down more boundaries regarding visits and requested a clear plan from him. If there’s no plan of action forthcoming then I can also make the decision I need to , I am fully aware I let things slip and my boundaries have been askew but I haven’t always been fully aware of sure how much of an encroachment there’s been.
it’s certainly in my power but he hasn’t been passive in this

I genuinely don't mean this is a mean way - his life doesn't revolve around you. You are his girlfriend but he doesn't have to live his life centering you. You and him aren't partners even if you think you are. Nothing about your lives is blended. When he is with you, he enjoys being with you. And when he is not with you, he is still allowed to enjoy living his life his way. His flatshare suits him. He enjoys it. He has friends there. Stop him and his children visiting you so you can have free time to yourself, but I still stand by that you can not tell him where to live when you don't live together. I'm pretty sure if he gave you the ultimatum of "Move house or I'll leave you" you'd say "Cya!"