fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

this

oh it’s so depressing, I feel drained from all of it right now

Not being a diva and I wouid give jinn2w if he is that busy at work

But after that if he won't chat and say yes I will look at houses rather then rent a room then there's your answer

He doesn't want the hassle or cost of household bills - assume the room is inclusive of bills so he pays maybe £600/800 a month all in

He’s told me this evening he won’t even consider thinking about it until he has completed a difficult work project in two weeks so there’s my shut down for today.

Wow. Where the fuck does this guy get off? He has no intention of changing his living arrangements. Why would he? He's living the life of Riley by the sounds of it.

I would honestly tell him that the set up is no longer working for you and walk away. It will be sad and you will wonder 'what if', but he's already had a year to make a decision and put plans in place. 'Difficult work project' my arse. Don't settle, OP. You deserve way more than this prick is giving you.

Thank you, yeah he pays at the bottom end for a room in a shared house, his outgoings must be a quarter of what mine are where his income is nearly four times as much as mine.
and as I’ve said before it’s not jealousy.
I feel shortchanged and I’m frustrated, he keeps saying he doesn’t know what I want and I’m contradicting myself because one day I’m happy and in love and then I’m annoyed with him and then I try to explain I go along with things for a while and then it hits me that I’m not getting a great deal then the appeasement starts and then I’m quiet then the cycle starts again.
And each time I get really upset and then he says he’s upset because he’s confused so then I start doubting myself again.
I don’t think it’s a mixed message to say I’m exhausted and drained and I don’t want it to all be on me.

OP the fact he won’t discuss this speaks volumes to me. Listen you your gut. He sounds like a user and and a drain.

As someone else has said, if he’s too busy to talk don’t let him come to your house until he is ready for the big chat. If he won’t have that chat and action the things needed quickly I would walk away.

Well now is the ideal time to be clear

How would you feel if he respects your home but doesn’t plan to sort his living situation out? I really relate to that feeling of annoyance that yours is the only real home in the equation and the whole relationship has to happen there.

I dated a much younger man living in a sharing situation and one reason I ended it was no prospect of him living alone. I felt like he was taking over my tiny flat. He didn’t have any alternative options and of course it wasn’t his fault but it was impractical. He only had one flatmate who wasn’t home that much but still, such a pain

And each time I get really upset and then he says he’s upset because he’s confused so then I start doubting myself again.

He's messing with your head. Of course he knows what you want. You're trying to be fair and loving to him, and you're trusting him to treat you the same way, but he's doing the bare minimum he needs to keep you sweet. As soon as he thinks that's worked, he's back to his comfortable old ways.

He's not the one who is confused and upset, you are; and it's hardly surprising.

Perhaps consider taking the two weeks he's busy with his big project to have a complete break from him, no communication, not even texts, and see how you feel after that. You might find you are neither exhausted nor drained, and that the way forward is much clearer.

I think what has struck me most is that he has acknowledged that he's made poor decisions in his children's lives that caused a breakdown of their relationship, that he is now seeking to repair and rebuild. But he still isn't putting them or his grandchildren at the centre of his decision making by prioritising having a home they can visit. He's expecting you to provide this for him. He needs to grow up!

A very, very astute observation. Perfectly said and 100% accurate.

This man is just a self-serving shitbag.

You most definitely are not a diva, @amedeusamadeus - far from it.

It is understandable that you are confused by his mixed messages, exhausted by everything he and his family are piling on you, and upset by his lack of consideration.

However, I put it to you that you would feel a great deal less confused if you grew a backbone at told him "this is enough!" Tell him that this is no longer working for you and you need space. And if he chooses to throw a wobbly or go away and sulk, so be it. As it is, this relationship isn't working for you, and if it ends you may ultimately feel relieved.

NB: Women Who Love Too Much by Dr Robin Norwood is a classic self help book that you might want to read:

https://www.abebooks.co.uk/9780099474128/Women-Who-Love-Norwood-Robin-0099474123/plp

How dare he say you can’t discuss something for a fortnight that involves him using your house like it’s his? Ground rules should be 1) he only comes over when you invite him; 2) he doesn’t invite anyone else over without getting your express permission before breathing a word about it to the other person. That’s it; that’s all you need to communicate to him. No need for a long discussion and it’s non-negotiable anyway.

Then, every time he suggests coming over to yours say nah, let’s meet at cafe/pub/park. If his family try to visit, say you have plans or that you’d be happy to meet at cafe/pub/park. Only if you actually want to go/continue seeing him. Don’t let him come over until he’s got the message that he needs to pull his finger out on the accommodation. No need to discuss any of this either; he doesn’t get a say in what you do with your house. If he gets sulky or fucks off, well, you see his character.

Thank you everyone for your kind and lovely comments. I had that women who love too much book many years ago and I must have read it but it has all left my mind, I will get it.
also did the freedom program, again, many many years ago pre kids following a dv experience and I’ve had a fair bit of therapy around relationships and self care, management of my life and triggers for anxiety etc so it’s a bit of a shock to discover this situation I’ve allowed to creep up on me.

He is a very selfish man who is happy to take advantage of your good nature. Then when you start to object, he shuts you down. This is not a good man. He's not a good dad either. He puts himself first, always. I've got the ick from your posts. What kind of person is happy to leech off a single mum? He earns significantly more! Even worse, encourage his kids to as well! Disgraceful.

I would not let him or his family come round until after his work deadline. He won't talk to you? He doesn't get to come round.

Course he is upset

He's lost his 'home' and comforts and is going to have to spend money

Whether restaurants or meeting family somewhere that isn't yours

How old are your kids ? Do they like him ? His kids /grandkids

How clever of him to get you to provide a free place for him to use as a home and entertain his family. It takes a certain sort to allow you to foot the bill on a lesser income while his money remains his own to spend or save. Of course he wouldn't have time to discuss any changes to such a cushy situation.

It sounds like you're seeing him for who he is now though. It's hard to respect someone who financially exploits others.

Is he bollocks 'confused' by what you what! He knows full well.

You are having a series of adult conversations with him - and that includes a degree of uncertainty and ambuguity. He is choosing which bits to listen to, then presenting them back at you as "I'm confused".

There IS uncertainty and ambiguity in how your family relationships have developed. You and your dc have appreciated being part of a wider blended family, a bit. You have been supportive of your dp and his family in being able to offer stability, and I think you've enjoyed being in that role, a bit. But you, and your dc, need to reclaim your own home and space in a way that works for you. It all needs to be renegotiated.

But your partner is not being 'adult' in any of this. He is not being adult in managing uncertainy and ambiguity. He is not being adult in how he lives in a rented room. He is not being adult in how he parents his children and grandchildren with respect to how they use (overuse, abuse?) your hospitality. He is not being adult in taking responsibility for his finances and sorting out his own accommodation. He is not being adult in refusing to talk about it and hide behind an important project.

He doesn't sound great tbh.

I'd find it really arrogant if someone felt entitled to my home.

Since he doesn't want to talk about it as he is oh so busy and important tell him you'll see him after his 2 week deadline, give yourself space to breathe.

And what do your children feel about this?

Do they mind having their home invaded by others all the time?

What?

I guess that means he isn’t coming around. ‘But work stress I need to see you!’ ‘You do remember I have a job too? I too would like to be able to take a break from my space and go spend some time at my partners when under work stress, but instead I only get to clean up after my partner when he visits me. Call me when you want to talk about it, don’t come over.’

OP, you ask
…….is his choice of home really an issue or any of my business?

It really wouldn’t be any of your business if he didn’t have the expectation that you would host him several nights a week, or if he didn’t want his dc and gc to feel equally at home in your home ….all at the expense of your bank balance and your energy levels, and at the well-being of your children. and the wear and tear on your furniture and the mortgage and council tax and heating and hot water and food and beverages you have to think about and provide for him to have his happy life spending his money as he wishes.

You are his own private hotel manager …service with a smile.

He isn’t paying for any of it. Yet still walks in confidently, acting like the hotel services are his for the taking …like he owns the place, because the doorman never asks for his room number. So confident is he that he provides the same hotel services to his family too who also lap it up for free.
How does he get away with this scam? By keeping the doorman sweet …that is, -sleeping with her.

So now he has a work project to get through for the next two weeks. Tell him yes you understand , and that fits in perfectly with you as you too have a work project and a home project and a dc project, not just for two weeks but for the forseeable, so you will tell him when you feel ready to invite him over again, but for now, like him, you only have the head space for your projects, nothing else.

this is great

I know a woman through my DP whose partner actively and consciously got into her house rather than pay for his own. He started as a friend, started up a relationship, all while in a transitional period of housing relating to probate, divorce etc. over years he never bought a house, and took over hers. Plenty of money stashed away somewhere while she is a single parent and has worked without stopping for decades. Now she cooks and cleans for him. My do has two teenaged sons and overheard this man tutoring them on “this is how you get a woman to let you into her house…” He ended the visit, took his boys away and delivered a stern lecture in the car about how this man is scum and not a role model. I am telling you this because - not saying he is one - but there are men who pose as not really aware of the growing imbalance in who is contributing resources, while actively manipulating women