fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

we’re not on an equal footing because of his being a higher earner and my single mum responsibility , part time wages etc but having now realised his income seems significantly more because his outgoings are little more than a bedroom and petrol for his car. His bills are inclusive so he doesn’t even have that responsibility.

He has a carefully planned strategy which is focused on taking care of Number One.

It feels weird like he’s playing at being a grown up.

He isn't playing - he knows exactly what he is doing!

Where are your children on this Monopoly board?

“It feels weird like he’s playing at being a grown up.”

Yes he’s definitely enjoying his position, playing host to his family at your home, whilst consistently ignoring / refusing / forgetting to meet your needs, even when you explain them very clearly and remind him.

He takes all the glory for you doing all the adulting and parenting. He basks in the warm glow of having provided his family with a wonderfully loving, sensible, generous mother figure who more than makes up for all his mistakes in the past. He wants this feeling to last forever….for himself and for them. He is proud of himself for having got it right at last.

Sadly, it seems to be a pattern.
The upside of his relationship with you as it stands is a win-win for him and his DC and GC while you and your own dc only get the downside.

The question is, is it deliberate on his part or is it just unthinking of him (even though you have tried to make it clear and he hasn’t listened)
The only way you can answer that question is by observing his actions after giving him the ultimatum. Tell him that you and your family really look forward to celebrating Christmas in his new home with him and his family and in the meantime, for this next term you will be taking a step back because you need to concentrate on your family and household.

You are going to have to get tough and say no a lot more, in order to protect your self and your dc’s well-being.
I really hope he can show you he’s worth keeping.

I know you said he buys groceries, but I do wonder how much cash as well as time his generosity with your resources is costing. Extra electricity if people are over. Yes, he might buy the dinner ingredients but what about the tea and coffee and extra loo roll?

Any spend on his kids is diverting money away from yours.

It’s probably minor vs the time and attention issue, but it isn’t zero.

It seems that most of the problem is that his family visits too often and for far too long.
Changing that parameter, alone, will improve your situation.

Be very firm on pencilling free time to yourself (no guests that weekend!)
Be very firm on time of visits from his family.
Insist that he books accommodation for his children in a nearby hotel and that you meet there for meals, or not (if you are not attending.)
Take back control of your home.

As you say, you might not wish to share a home fully until your children are much older.

I don’t like to jump straight to saying “end the relationship” but there’s lots of red flags here for me. He seems quite calculated and to be eyeing up your home. At the best he is using you and your home to give him the home comforts and hosting opportunities whilst he saves lots of money in his shared flat. He looks like he has the potential to be a leech going forward. X

I think what would piss me off the most is that he ‘doesn’t want to talk about it’.

Of course he doesn’t. It’s all tickety boo at the moment and now you’re malfunctioning. Ugh.

Look at the price you've been paying for a bit of male company and the odd shag. Far too high a price!

I agree with everything @LAMPS1 said, especially the strategy she suggests:

Tell him that you and your family really look forward to celebrating Christmas in his new home with him and his family and in the meantime, for this next term you will be taking a step back because you need to concentrate on your family and household.

The fact that he does not want to talk about your concerns and unhappiness with the current situation is a HUGE red flag and reinforces my belief that he is doing what he is doing because he has a deliberate plan in which your needs - and those of YOUR children! - barely feature.

Urgh feeling a right old muggins after reading everything here and talking it through with a friend this morning. My friend is less remote from the situation and feels like it’s worth persevering IF he gets his own space…
was recently talking to a mutual friend about it too and she went through similar with her partner (a good friend of dp) and he did end up moving in, they’re married now so it’s a lot further down the road, they’re happy and she’s fine with the status quo now but found it hard in the early days of her having all the cards….
I need to have a clearer more firm conversation with him now after all this discussion on here and irl but I’m not ready to today whilst menstrual and emotional, I need to feel strong enough to stick to the facts and not get drowned out with the relationship noise and his futile appeasements

I’m angry now and feeling quite cross with myself at how far I’ve let things slide as well as annoyed at him and not feeling many tender loving feelings towards him at the moment.
How can I take back the power in the relationship without being angry or emotional and making it into a bigger storm ?
I can reclaim my own space and time quite easily but with regards to his space I don’t want to spoonfeed him any further.
he is clearly happy in his frat house situation and I feel frustrated with having to keep saying how I feel but maybe I’m not being as clear as I think I can be?
how to spell it out as clearly and literally just once that I am no longer able to continue with the relationship in it’s current form?

Please don't beat yourself up, @amedeusamadeus . You are not a mug. You are a competent, hard-working and kind-hearted person who fell into a trap. You thought that because he (says that he) loves you, he will have your back and treat you well.

No one here can tell you whether he truly loves you are not. Unfortunately, many men seem to have been born with the selfish gene, which is evidenced by the many similar stories we see on MN day in day out. They are able to put themselves first, even while they are hurting those they profess to love - while believing that they are decent men.

However, you are now at a crossroads, and you are at breaking point. If he cannot see this, doesn't care and is unwilling to respond appropriately, you'll have to be firm and end it.

Your plan to get to a point where you feel strong enough to stick to the facts and not get drowned out with the relationship noise and his futile appeasements is a good one.

Suggest a lunch out with his family next time he wants to see them. Have the cash ready for your share and your share only. Absolutely spell him out he needs to be funding hosting his family..

Tell him you are no longer able to host his family at your home, aside from, possibly, an occasional get-together that you have ample prior notice of, that you approve, and that he pays for and cleans up after.

Unfortunately, I am confident you're going to see a side of him you won't like when you push back. He is very accustomed to you being his dutiful little mug, and he's quite comfortable with this arrangement which benefits him massively. He is very aware of what he is doing.

Personally, I think it's sad that you would even want to continue this relationship. He has no respect for you.

He missed the boat with the housing market because he was clearly waiting to be invited to live with you.. He might be the type of man who wants a woman to live with because it's easier. He might be the type of man who wants to pocket most of his money whilst living with you cheaply .. Groceries don't count for much at all in the real world of adults. He knows that.

I personally would protect my own home and my children's space and put them first. It doesn't have to be a horrible conversation, just tell him you're nearing burnout and want to pare it right back to meeting our of the house for dates.

If he's got a problem with that, fuck him off! Life's too short and it's too hard to get rid of someone once they've got their feet under the table, if indeed that's his way.

You're not a mug.

It was all nice and cosy with extra family, nice partner, etc, that bit was all good.

It's the subtle slide into lazy status quo where you are the provider that's the issue and really it's his issue to solve.

Ahhh I posted before I'd seen your comment about his "futile appeasements" OP. My ex did this and it is absolutely an insult to our intelligence. It's the opposite of progress. It's patronising. It's noncommittal. It's a waste of your one life. It's their selfishness and manbabyness writ large.

I've changed my advice to ... Get rid of him. He doesn't value you enough to make real changes and progress your relationship, he just wants an easy cheap venue to host his family whilst putting you and your family last.

We are socialised to be nice and not get angry. Fuck that. Hes selfish and immature, that is not attractive, you wouldn't want to tie yourself to that and potentially lose half your house (your children's inheritance!) to him in future!

My ex is doing similar, his mother complains (aimed squarely at me) that he doesn't have overnights with his kids, well.... Maybe if he lived in a normal house rather than doing what yours is doing, choosing a weird half-life better suited to twenty years olds?! Don't you get the ick just imagining him playing PS4 with a bunch of young people and ignoring his future?!

BUT if you do end it.... Be very VERY CAREFUL that he doesn't make huge promises and grandiose efforts. Too little too late. Don't get sucked in if he suddenly plays nice when he thinks he's losing his easy little situation that allows him to pretend he's being a decent dad and grandad to his family, on your turf and your dime and your time.... Its not true! It's not real! Keep your eyes open and your assets firmly yours and in your pocket.

No I think he hears you but doesn't care, I'm sorry. I read your op and thought "cocklodger alert".

If you break things off with him he will likely move on to the next muggins instead of sorting himself out and trying to win you back.

Couldn’t agree more…I think anyone moving in after 2
months and expecting someone else’s home to be ‘ours’ is a CF-er at best.

OP- I think it’s a good idea to limit the time spent at yours. It’s giving him no incentive to move on. The current situation enables him to live cheaply but still have the advantages of a ‘proper’ home. Or if it continues you need to be able to see the financial benefit of it too.

I suppose you could say that he needs to pay you as a part time lodger. ( in the same way a mon-Thurs lodger would ) but I get that might feel transactional.

however, he needs to see that his cost cutting comes with consequences. Someone is paying - and it’s not him!

I feel frustrated with having to keep saying how I feel but maybe I’m not being as clear as I think I can be?

I magine you're being perfectly clear; he simply doesn't want to hear what you're saying so is becoming selectively deaf/obtuse.

Look at what he's done to your peace of mind! Please eject this cocklodger for your own, and your DC sakes 💐

Being angry and emotional is a normal reaction to being used. You have gone out of your way to make him and his children feel welcome but that thoughtfulness has not been reciprocated.

But being more rational

1. Decide if you actually want to be with him after he has already taken you for granted and shown you who he is.
2. Work out exactly what you want to happen including the timescale (don't be too generous)
3. Tell him
4. If his reaction is anything less than apologetic and devastated that he has made you feel like this, dump him (he doesn't care about you)
5. If his reaction is acceptable but he doesn't start looking to change the situation straight away dump him (he doesn't care about you)

This sums it up precisely. You are under no obligation (which would be incredibly one-sided) to "share your home".

You are right to give him an ultimatum but I suspect six months is more than generous.

It sounds like you've gone off him a bit OP. Maybe there's a reason for that. Don't ignore that feeling! It's telling you something. You'd be fine without him.

Hmmmm…. Currently that’s exactly how I feel …. But I do have a tendency to act now, think later, hence my post here and reticence in case I’m throwing the baby out with the bath water

I feel exhausted having read about him. I’m irritated a lot by his lifestyle and thoughtlessness.

Hazard a guess - he has no intention of buying or renting. He’s enjoying the easy responsibility-free place to doss around in. Plus your comfortable home, for him and his family to gather at, again with no responsibilities for him. Quite angry he sometimes heads off with them after you’ve hosted them all. Like he’s one of the kids heading off from his parents’ place with no responsibilities of helping to tidy up etc. have to say this on its own would put me off him. Does he think you don’t notice? Think it isn’t a deliberate tactic to do fuck all to help? He sounds very thick.

Is he hanging around your house when you are WFH? That needs to stop. Put him out of the house in the morning if he stayed the night before. Or send him on his way at the end of the evening. Tell his family not to call round during your working hours.

But I think I would call it off. I’d say it’s no longer working. He might or might not then get his act together. If he makes a massive effort then maybe he’s worth it. But if I was you, there would be no more dates or stop overs or gatherings at your place until he has his own place. And he would be paying for dates out if you’re persuaded to still date him. I would want to start prioritising weekends for you and DC. And you absolutely must not be out of pocket to cater for him and his family again. That’s taking money directly from your family.

Sigh. Getting man baby vibes. And potential cocklodger, albeit one who might contribute financially but not do his share of day to day admin and planning. He’s definitely taking the piss