fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

Others have said it, but I will again.

The whys and wherefores of why he is doing what he is doing don’t matter, and aren’t your issue here. It’s the same as trying to understand abusive men. There are often underlying reasons/explanations of how they get to that point, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. It’s what they are doing ( or not) that’s the problem. Giving them so much headspace compounds and confuses the issue, in my opinion.

It’s what he is doing ( or not doing too ), his gaslighting, his pushing the boundaries, his refusal to communicate, his slide into cocklodging, his using his children to consolidate his position ( given what you understand about his previous relationship with them ) and a lot more as you recognise. He may have many good qualities but none of the above and suggests he is a good man. It doesn’t matter , again in my opinion whether it’s intentional or otherwise, the outcome is the same.

I’s be using the time apart to seriously think about what you want, what your boundaries are, and what’s best for your DC too. Then you decide what to do, being proactive is going to make you feel so much better going forward. Be wary of him drifting, then returning with promises you might be happier to believe when you have been missing him. Wishing you all the best.

I think I'd have to have it out with him and ask him directly why he thought he could move in when you've clearly expressed that it isn't an option.

Apart from anything else it's just so fucking disappointing.

Ok I’m a bit late with this particular scrap of outrage, but Amadeus’ friends who (paraphrasing) see it as more “natural” that the single woman owes the man a house precisely because the housing situation is dire - OMG! This is so annoying! The housing situation is dire for EVERYONE and everyone who wasn’t born to a trust fund, who has a home (rented or bought or mortgaged) has worked fucking hard for it and has prioritised that over other things, including resting, luxuries, a free choice of career (including rewarding low paid work), etc. it isn’t easy for anyone! Why does that mean he gets someone else’s hkuse?!

I agree, waaaay too much headspace!

@Campergirls1 indeed- super selfish and narcisstic in many cases and not averse to having a couple of women on the go at the same time in my experience- as they are usually attractive and good company - all thexwomen with their own home, and the guy using all of them for storage, home cooked meals, family meet ups - I was gobsmacked at their cheek to be honest- that may not be the case at all here given what the OP has said, but I'm pretty sure the super selfish is in the mix.

Absolutely.
They ALWAYS land on their feet somehow...it's not an accident.

When you are young, free and single they ARE great company, fun, and invariably great in the sack....its not by accident they get away with as much as they do.

But definitely not relationship material in your 30's, 40's and beyond.

They cannot see beyond an easy cheap lifestyle for themselves as they bank thd bucks.

Lots of them do highly paid contractor work in the oil and gas industry.

I’d be using the time apart to seriously think about what you want, what your boundaries are, and what’s best for your DC too. Then you decide what to do, being proactive is going to make you feel so much better going forward.

^This. Focus on the future, the life you want and what's best for your dc.

Someone on this thread noted that the “gold digger” trope probably encourages women to over-contribute.
I think some of the comments and experiences on here are highly relevant to that question that keeps popping up about who pays on dates. Over their lifetimes, before we even consider the gender pay gap and other external mechanisms by which men have greater access to money, men as a class are absolutely brilliant at feathering their own nests at the expense of the women they spend time with. It makes me really cross when people on here think that expecting a man to buy you a drink, to show an interest in good faith, is somehow greedy. They don’t get the bigger picture, at all

I could not agree more! This gold digger trope, as well as the weird way men seem to have rights over children but no duties is very harmful to women.

OP is the sole support for her children. All her income and assets are used for them. While this man has palmed off responsibility for his children snd grandchildren entirely on other women.

On mumsnet we often see women so blinded by a false feminism that they don’t even expect their child’s father to support them financially during the pregnancy and maternity leave portions of their lives.

You sound lovely. Please don't blame yourself. These sorts of people are very clever and manipulative. He's a cocklodger through and through. Ridiculous to be living like a student and spending money on Selfridge's suits. If he is telling you his stress will be over in 2 weeks then tell him calmly to come back to you at that time with a plan. I would be very cool/ don't see him until then. He absolutely needs to sort himself out he's had long enough. If he doesn't or gets angry with you then you have your answer- he's not with you for love unfortunately.

Too right.

Men have a genetic self preservation that is astounding IMO.
Reading MN over the years has made that abundantly clear to me.
Fortunately in my own life it never arose.

Women give the benefit of the doubt far too much.

I am absolutely doing my level best to educate the young women in my life to be suspicious and hardnose and to view professional and financial independence their number one priority in life.....way way ahead of men, marriage and children.... all of which are meh and very optional extras, and to be viewed through a very circumspect lense😁

I suspect that wasn’t the marital home. Or at least she bought him out.

Any chance he did to her what’s he’s attempting with you?

it sounds like when he got together with previous wife she was a single parent with own home and kids. He dropped his responsibilities to his own kids to move in with her and play happy families.

Basically: this. ⬆️

@Campergirls1 i wish my mum had been more like you!

Pretty sure they bought the house together as an upsize but I don’t know the ins and outs!

Wow! It’s like a new super breed , not as unusual a situation as I thought then.
mind blowing

How's it going Op, has he been in touch?

Looking at the recent updates I'd be seriously questioning his true financial situation.

It actually doesn't make sense and all you have is his word for any of it but yet the actual evidence is the opposite.

All men I know that are in house shares over the age of 40 are because they are.. broke.

Let's say he was earning around 30K a year and his take home was 2K. His outgoings now would be say £700 a month. He may have hidden debts so payments of £500 a month. Leaving £800 a month 'fun' money. This may seem like he has a lot of cash and disposable income and can buy himself nice luxury goods or the odd weekend away. So you could easily be led to believe whatever he says about his earnings and savings. However if he were to rent an actual house on his own he may be left with like £50 a month or nothing at all.

He was probably hoping to move in with you so his outgoings would still say the same as the house share (or cheaper!) and he'd never have to divulge his true financial history.

Why would he choose to not buy and instead move out of there into another private rent? He's allegedly been a homeowner before so he knows that makes no sense.

Him now backtracking saying he wasn't ever going to buy when he told you that was his plan suggests his financial situation isn't quite as it seems.

I think he's not as well off as you think. It's why he accepts you taking it in turns to pay for things and stuff.

But now your pushing on him to move out and you've got his back against the wall. That's why he's shutting down the conversation and delaying things. Because he actually CAN'T afford to move out unless it's in with you. He can't tell you the truth as he's too fat down the lie and it'll uncover a whole host of lies by omission. So he'll drag this out with excuses and shutting down the conversation until you eventually dump or he moves in. But he won't be moving out because he can't.

That's what I'm now thinking.

@Glowygoose i think that is very likely. Makes no sense not to buy. I’d be itching to get back on the property ladder at his age.

but - there is another scenario. He’s got greedy seeing how much money he could save if he moves in with OP.

He has no property, but lots of disposable income to spend on himself, with plenty to save. He’s just a bit of a miser.

I have a uni friend who is intelligent and in a high earning job. I remember even 15 years ago when he was on 6 figures, but boasting about picking up abandoned receipts in shopping trolleys at Tesco and claiming the club card points. Paid for his holiday with his partner and kids. We all just rolled our eyes and made a joke of it, but looking back it was a sign that he was a bit of an arse.

I could absolutely see him doing something like OP’s partner just to save cash.

@Dogdaysareoverihope hmm I would agree but things she's said doesn't sound like a miser with the constant buying of new things?
Also the fact he was in rented when she met him.

I wonder if his rent was cheaper than market value on that house which is why he didn't go into another rented property and instead a house share?

Also why wouldn't he want to buy? If he has an alleged lump sump and no house plus I'm his fifties with an apparent history of home ownership? What's stopping him?
Plus the fact he's now saying if he does move out of shared it'll be into another rented house. Why? It's dead money and he's getting older for a mortgage?

It doesn't make any kind of sense even if he were someone of lesser intelligence.

Plus he likes to keep a tidy home and likes being at OPs house as it's a proper home. So it's not like he hates the homebody life.

The fact he's now essentially ignoring OP and pretending to busy himself with work suggests it's because he's backed into a corner with no 'out' for his lies. So better to run away than come clean perhaps?

These posts now are starting to remind me of when I was in my early twenties and fresh out of uni. I was constantly shopping and off on holidays and stuff despite being on around 24K. So from the outside you'd think I was on a lot of money or had masses of savings. But in reality I lived in a studio flat paying £500 all in so my £1600 take home per month left me with £1100 to spend on crap and myself. But I didn't have a lump sum for a house deposit nor could I have private rented a whole house at market value on my own.
So on face value I could've easily pretended to have been paid way more than I was and it's seem very believable. But if my back was against the wall with that lie then I wouldn't be able to just move out, instead id probably do as he is and placate the other party with my disposable income (nice meal or weekend away) and kick the can further down the road? He's probably hoping if he kicks the can for long enough he'll be at the point he can just move in with OP without having to ever uncover his lies by omission?

It doesn't matter how much money he actually has, if his attitude is that he isn't going to be honest about anything with Amadeus. Who cares if he can afford a big house or a little rented flat, the point is that he is being lazy and manipulative

About ten years ago when I joined MN (infidelity crisis), on recommendation I bought Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that?’ Desperate to understand the rationale of men’s behaviour. Trust me, with my hindsight, NO WAY is he angsting over his behaviour! As is so often the way, women take on the emotional of trying to understand, to ask if there is some rationale we can’t see. Is he reflecting so deeply? Nope! Keep the focus on your guardrails. By his actions let him be judged! 💐

6 months seems like a perfectly reasonable plan.

bring it all back up and ask for update at at least 4 months. He can’t say it came out of the blue.

And I wouldn’t move him in with the kids in the house either.

I won’t be moving him in with my kids.
He’s just carrying on as usual, his normal life, wants to go out together at the weekend as though nothing has happened, I said it’s better to wait until his two weeks are up and feel awkward going on a date with all ‘this’ stuff going on and disrupting me.
he said that’s fair enough and it’s up to me whether I want to go out and do something nice or not

This is a further effort to shut you down, move on without any discussion.

He doesn't want any discussion.
He wants the status quo where he completely suits himself and uses you and your home.

Be 100% clear on that.
In your place I certainly wouldn't meet with him until he has time and finds a neutral space to meet and discuss.

I would then tell him that your home is no longer available for socialising without you specifically issuing an invite.

It is his turn now to provide a space.
Honestly OP, my bet is he will already be on the look out for someone else.

That is how men like him work, sole focus on their needs being met.
I'm so sorry, but do prepare yourself for the worst.