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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fed up with my partner using my house as his base

571 replies

amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:04

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

OP posts:
TheCultureHusks · 09/09/2024 09:14

Lol. He’s really on the back foot isn’t he?!

Waiting and acting cool while nervously seeing what your next move is going to be.

OP the easy thing about this is that he has nothing to hold over your head. Nothing at all… now that you’ve realised that you’ve been manipulated by him.

All you need to do to get the outcomes you want from this (peace and space in your own home, and possibly a nice, pleasant relationship if he shows that he can give that) are to simply keep doing what you want to do, politely and firmly, and just not waver.

Go out on the weekend, if you want to. Lovely.

‘Yes, I had a great time, thanks. What, you’d like to pop over tomorrow night? No, I don’t think so. Like I said, I really want to draw new boundaries around our individual spaces, as you know I’ve been feeling unhappy about what the status quo has been. I enjoyed our night out though, let’s do that again instead’. Firm smile 🙂

‘I’ve been enjoying having my space back to myself and being able to get my parenting routine back without constant guests. I’m sure you’ve also been enjoying making more time for your own place and your housemates. If you really are committed to staying there longer term you can’t constantly be elsewhere really! Better for both of us for have our own space. I certainly feel happier already’ 🙂

Not a thing he can say without showing his agenda.

Avatartar · 09/09/2024 09:36

Right stomach churning response.He’s stone walling you now and deliberately being tone deaf - he’s just waving red flags at you now rather than trying to build an equal relationship with you. It’s time to bin him OP

babbi · 09/09/2024 09:47

amedeusamadeus · 07/09/2024 19:22

I think he will be fine where pension is concerned but absolutely my house is for my children. I have worked bloody hard.
I never had anything from either of my workshy parents and I plan to break that cycle for my kids.
I do understand how hard the current housing market is which is another reason why I’ve been patient and I think another reason why people think it’s a no brainer that he moves into mine or part time has his feet under the table

Show quote history

OP I’m 100 % in agreement with @ThorndonCream I don’t believe for 1 minute
he has the financial position that you think .
Ask yourself have you seen actual proof of the lump sum , that it still exists ? Pension statements ? Wage slips ?

Be careful , you sound lovely and I think
you’re being used here .
take care

achipandachair · 09/09/2024 10:33

I think the approach from @TheCultureHusks is good if you want to continue the relationship on your own terms. if you expect him to come back to you after a period and say "you know what I've been thinking about what you said and I see where you are coming from. here are the changes I am going to make" - it won't happen. you can either hold out for that and de facto end the relationship; or give in and return to the status quo.

If you just make what you want to happen, happen - within the areas that are subject to your control ie when and where you meet (nothing to do with his personal life) - you could have a pleasant relationship for a time. At a certain point he may realise you aren't going to give him your house though, and find someone else, so it's whether you want to go through that

Crikeyalmighty · 09/09/2024 11:07

@Glowygoose unfortunately I suspect the same as you. I think he thought it was a good cheap 'stop gap' arrangement until he moved into someone else's home.as I've said I have known guys like this but they usually do it for a set period with an endgame in sight and would have communicated all this to someone who they saw as a long term partner- instead of making them feel unsure and rather used. I suspect OP he isn't in the position to buy anything he would remotely want to buy as would need a mortgage over a shorter period and that renting anything half way decent would skint him on a monthly basis or deplete what savings he does have- I suspect he does like you a lot - but has been feeding you some half truths along the way and now finds it hard to admit this and backtrack-

godmum56 · 09/09/2024 11:07

Campergirls1 · 09/09/2024 09:11

This is a further effort to shut you down, move on without any discussion.

He doesn't want any discussion.
He wants the status quo where he completely suits himself and uses you and your home.

Be 100% clear on that.
In your place I certainly wouldn't meet with him until he has time and finds a neutral space to meet and discuss.

I would then tell him that your home is no longer available for socialising without you specifically issuing an invite.

It is his turn now to provide a space.
Honestly OP, my bet is he will already be on the look out for someone else.

That is how men like him work, sole focus on their needs being met.
I'm so sorry, but do prepare yourself for the worst.

surely "the worst" would be for this abusive situation to continue. Its a very subtle form of abuse but its definitely abuse.

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 11:16

I am just so sorry this is happening OP. It must feel like a bomb went off in the relationship. One minute everything is fine-ish and the next very much not.

It also reminds me of those women who found themselves in a long term romantic relationship with soies or undercover police. The side this person presents to you is lovely, seductive, playful, kind, wonderful. But its not the real person.

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 09/09/2024 11:18

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 11:16

I am just so sorry this is happening OP. It must feel like a bomb went off in the relationship. One minute everything is fine-ish and the next very much not.

It also reminds me of those women who found themselves in a long term romantic relationship with soies or undercover police. The side this person presents to you is lovely, seductive, playful, kind, wonderful. But its not the real person.

That’s exactly how it feels

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 09/09/2024 11:35

@amedeusamadeus I also think that only you can decide if he has indeed been feeding you some half truths whether that's a dealbreaker- people backed into a corner if they have been telling a few porky pies can act totally out of character- that may be the case here, maybe not, but I know it would be there in my head and I think has to possibly be in the mix- however if you get on really well and genuinely like him then I wouldn't necessarily throw the baby out with the bath water- but I would set more boundary's and see how things go- if itsall about getting his feet under the table and it won't be happening then I think it may fade from his side anyway

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 09/09/2024 12:48

I think we’re done . More has come to light today, nothing major in itself but a revelation that shows he is not upfront with me about important things because‘I don’t want to put upon you’ and ’damned if I do , damned if I don’t’ apropos of nothing.
i think he thought his revelation was justification for everything I’ve talked about here but all it served to do is make me feel even more compartmentalised, mugged off and stupid.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2024 13:02

It sounds as if that’s the right decision, and it will be a relief when it’s done, despite the sadness. I don’t doubt there would be more to come in any case.

As I said previously, the best thing now is to work on getting him out of your head. I don’t know if you have ever done The Freedom Programme? I am evangelical about it, should be taught in schools in my opinion. It can be done in person or online, so worth a look. Not for this situation necessarily but going forward. Good luck.

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2024 13:04

Gutted for you OP but now you know who is really is you’ll never feel the same about him so it’s the right time to walk away with your head held high.

Sending love - you’re doing right thing even though it hurts

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 09/09/2024 13:08

Thank you 🙏 I’m at work and hiding that I’m crying.
i think once I find out someone is lying / withholding I feel unsafe and there’s not really anything that can repair that when it kicks in.
I will never know in future where I stand.
hes not sorry anyway, just says he’s withheld for my benefit, it’s rubbish. The whole thing has been a waste of time

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2024 13:08

He lied about his financial situation didn't he?

I'm sorry it's all collapsed in a heap @amedeusamadeus especially as you had also grown close to his kids and I suspect you will be more upset about that than him in the end. Try to remember that this is totally on him, not you.

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 13:08

Someone upthread pointed out that we women spend a lot of time analyzing and thinking about relationships. Trying to see the best in our partners. Trying to see things from their point if view. Trying to put the best gloss on their actions. But this is seldom returned by our partners. Its just not necessary for them to give us this headspace or to worry about making the relationship work.

I think that almost inevitably a straightforward, generous, thoughtful person such as you, Amadeus, can be left feeling let down and a little bit used when all the effort you have put in turns out to have been taken for granted, essentially unseen, or retrospectively represented as unnecessary or foolishly overcommitted.

In reality you have not been foolish or mugged off. Its hard to draw lines in the sand at the edge of the ocean ! And a romance is an ocean. You don’t know if you are taking ship on it or just getting your feet wet and planning to stay in shore.

You proceeded with this man in good faith, quite cautiously and responsibly. Its only as time has gone on and he has behaved less cautiously and respectfully that you have become aware that his goals in the relationship are not what you first thought.
That he is not who he first presented himself to be.

When you know better, you do things differently. You have more information now. So you are going to make different choices. That is a strength of yours! Don’t feel bad about having been in the relationship for a while or mistaken the kind of person he us. It takes time to figure things out. It takes time for a person to reveal themselves.

PaminaMozart · 09/09/2024 13:08

Feeling sad for you, and that it had to end this way. I think we were all hoping against hope that he might come through in the end, but this was clearly unrealistic. But at least you are able to extricate yourself now instead of further down the line when it might have been much more difficult. Take care of yourself - and onwards and upwards!!

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 09/09/2024 13:16

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2024 13:08

He lied about his financial situation didn't he?

I'm sorry it's all collapsed in a heap @amedeusamadeus especially as you had also grown close to his kids and I suspect you will be more upset about that than him in the end. Try to remember that this is totally on him, not you.

No it wasn’t financial, I’m not even going there with him about his finances , it’s never been my business and now I know for sure that we are a joke relationship I don’t need to know what is going on for him financially or any other way

OP posts:
Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 09/09/2024 13:16

PaminaMozart · 09/09/2024 13:08

Feeling sad for you, and that it had to end this way. I think we were all hoping against hope that he might come through in the end, but this was clearly unrealistic. But at least you are able to extricate yourself now instead of further down the line when it might have been much more difficult. Take care of yourself - and onwards and upwards!!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Flughafenkoenigin · 09/09/2024 13:21

So sorry @amedeusamadeus Flowers

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 09/09/2024 13:22

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 13:08

Someone upthread pointed out that we women spend a lot of time analyzing and thinking about relationships. Trying to see the best in our partners. Trying to see things from their point if view. Trying to put the best gloss on their actions. But this is seldom returned by our partners. Its just not necessary for them to give us this headspace or to worry about making the relationship work.

I think that almost inevitably a straightforward, generous, thoughtful person such as you, Amadeus, can be left feeling let down and a little bit used when all the effort you have put in turns out to have been taken for granted, essentially unseen, or retrospectively represented as unnecessary or foolishly overcommitted.

In reality you have not been foolish or mugged off. Its hard to draw lines in the sand at the edge of the ocean ! And a romance is an ocean. You don’t know if you are taking ship on it or just getting your feet wet and planning to stay in shore.

You proceeded with this man in good faith, quite cautiously and responsibly. Its only as time has gone on and he has behaved less cautiously and respectfully that you have become aware that his goals in the relationship are not what you first thought.
That he is not who he first presented himself to be.

When you know better, you do things differently. You have more information now. So you are going to make different choices. That is a strength of yours! Don’t feel bad about having been in the relationship for a while or mistaken the kind of person he us. It takes time to figure things out. It takes time for a person to reveal themselves.

Edited

That’s lovely and I love the ocean analogy too. Thank you. I’m really upset but I know I can’t go on with him now.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 13:23

Just because he is pretending that he wasn’t serious now doesn’t mean he wasn’t serious during the relationship. Its very common for people to rewrite the story of the relationship to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable. He may well give you the impression that he was never serious now that he feels you are on the verge if booting him. But even if he was seeing another woman at the same time I don’t think that means he wasn’t passionate about you. You must be a hell of a woman. He’s an absolute wanker but he was not wrong to pursue you because you are amazing.

achipandachair · 09/09/2024 13:28

I'm sorry @amedeusamadeus . If I am reading you correctly it feels like he has just revealed something like some kind of problem or glitch in his life that you feel he should have been upfront about, or some kind of plan that affects you, like moving for work or something, and he's positioning it as "Of course I protected you from this / you are putting me under so much pressure along with all the other pressure I am already under / woe is me" or something like that. in other words just more meaningless words. I am sorry you are crying and I am sorry you feel it's a joke relationship. It's not a joke even if he is crap. you are amazing. You will be ok

Campergirls1 · 09/09/2024 14:02

Oh OP, I am so sorry that he has indeed shown himself to you to be so duplicitous.

You deserve so much better.
Remember that this would likely emerge at some point and because of your standards, self respect, love for your children you pushed and pushed for the truth.

He wasn't volunteering it.
It's ok to feel sad and very disappointed but he really wasn't who you thought he was.
Mind yourself.
We are here for you.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2024 14:13

Hope you're ok Op.

What was his revelation?

Avatartar · 09/09/2024 14:16

Well done OP- you smelled a rat and you’ve caught it before it trashes your life!
Dont feel stupid, we will never be able to love freely if we don’t trust people and give in a relationship once we feel we know the person. That trust has gone now because it was a lie and it’s irrevocable.
You will get over this and be stronger for it. You should pat yourself on the back