fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

I also think you need to consider that you shouldnt really be doing grandparent duties on top of raising your own children, mananging a realtionship and accomodating his DCs. Mine are all now young adults and I am taking a breather before that responsbility comes my way.

We each only have finite (and dwindling) time, emotional energy, headspace and physical capacity - we have to decide where to apportion it to the people and activities who deserve and need it in our own lives.

I've cut right back on my hosting/giving etc as I have reached menopause - have only capacity to give to my immediate family DCs right now and they deserve and need it - as I am sure yours do if their DFs contribution is limited.

But the best thing is that you are rewarded for life with that investment and focus as they do well

The final time, he said no to them and they turned up anyway.
but yeah, things have moved on since then !

Well handled. It is very sad when someone hides their intentions, especially when you were so clear that what they wanted wasn't going to happen. You drew that line in the sand and his ocean wasn't able to wash it away, so well done.

Glad that you've seen the light @amedeusamadeus . If you look back now, especially in the light of his last minute revelation, you can see that he knew you said you wouldn't be living together but he never believed it. He didn't get himself a decent place to live because he always thought he'd end up at yours and it gave you an extra incentive to get fed up and let him move in. Letting his family come visit was a mistake, he really thought he'd got his feet under the table then.
No doubt he'll be very indignant and say you've been unreasonable but I'm pleased for you that you've woken up and smelt the coffee. Think how much quieter and less stressful your life will be now

@Campergirls1 and I suspect something in a similar vein might be the situation here too -and hence why he hasn't committed to a more permanent home situation . ( I may of course be wrong)

The thing is many blokes are quiet happy to go along with and often instigate a 'suits me for now' scenario and all the time know they have other avenues they are actively pursuing ( and not always women) can be jobs, emigration etc)

@crikey 35 years ago we didn't have the words and expressions that identify really awful behaviour by men.

Now I would use the expression "future faker".
She was absolutely humiliated and couldn't believe it.
Neither could any of her colleagues as we had never heard of a fellow pretending to be absolutely mad about you, talking about getting engaged, marriage, looking in windows at apartments.
She was so mad about him and when we met him at a staff night we thought he was lovely and mad about her. Such a cute couple🙄.
He ended things and was gone within a week. She was off work with stress for a couple of weeks and our lovely boss was so kind.
I have no idea where she ended up as I left about 18 months later, but she was a quiet shadow of herself by then.
I hope she met someone who deserved her and he dies screaming.

These men have a real pathology that when I was young and naive I hadn't a clue about, but looking back you can clearly see that every woman is only of interest to them for how they suit them and their needs, at any given time.

Its not difficult to be taken in, these guys are praticed accomplished liars.

Selfish pricks every one of them.

You are the very opposite of stupid. This shows that your instincts are spot on. You have seen through a very manipulative, charming man and have stood up for yourself and your family.
You are bound to feel sad and deflated, but no doubt at all that you will be much happier in the end.

@Campergirls1 yep- I think it's the working environment in some cases- bullshit in business seems par for the course in many commercial environments these days and I honestly think it rubs off in private to telling a lot of white lies/ half truths with many people when trying to create a good impression

Sorry OP

you did right to follow your instincts especially as it sounds like he’s given some info that he thought would generate sympathy and it’s been off putting.

don’t blame yourself. You can’t know someone well until …you get to know them well.

that might generate another 80s ear worm for you. Have a dance as you said. You’re well rid.

Thank you. It feels like I’ve been dealing with an adolescent masquerading as a functioning adult all this time.

Do you remember This Life on BBC, and I think it was Egg’s dad moved in for a bit? Reminds me of that dad-with-the-young-folk setup!

@amedeusamadeus just to say we will all be thinking of you. So many of us have found out in life that things were not quite as we thought- and many of us are smart cookies too. I always think of that late middle aged lady who was married to a sensible looking accountant and basically first thing she knew was bailiffs turning up for taking back the house- massive debts caused by gambling!!

Gosh I remember this life and Egg but not the dad, wonder if it’s still available to watch!

Thank you, yes I am not the first it’s happened to but wish it wasn’t so , for me and everyone else. It’s sad that we can’t take people at face value and feel safe in doing so.

@Crikeyalmighty what a terrible shock! 😯

@amedeusamadeus you can buy This Life on prime, 'spensive though. Used to love that and had a crush on Miles.

Whats his 'story' as to why his previous marriages and relationships failed?

Just goes to show that it really can take a long time to really know someone.

Well done for sussing out the entitled and deceiptful freeloader sooner rather than later.

his marriage was very long and the previous marriage wasn’t and then i think it’s been casual flings since his divorce. I’m not really bothered tbf , my marriage and relationships record isn’t outstanding

Thank you. I guess guys of a certain age are well versed at presenting themselves a certain way, i keep getting fooled over long periods so there’s definitely something to be said for me working on my red flag recognition earlier.
i think I was lulled by this one because we have known each other a long time and shared friendship group etc

You're not stupid OP. Something similar happened to me too, in my 40s. I look back and think what an absolute idiot was but at the time everything seemed to make sense. Until it didn't.

Sending sisterly hugs.

I think when you have known someone a long time and share mutual friends you are justified in assuming that if they say they want to be with you they sincerely want to be with you. I mean in a sense you can assume that they aren’t going to bother to be fake with you because you think you already know the real them and they know the real you. You also didn’t think of yourself as someone he needed to exploit since you thought both of you were on a par.

@pikkumyy77 is so right.

You couldn't have known not to judge him by your own standards.

Op, I'm really sorry that you have been through this. Well done for communicating your boundaries and being determined to stick to them enough to see that the relationship wouldn't work.

Have you now ended it with him? Did he take it graciously? I hope so but suspect that he would have been defensive and blamed you

Yes it’s ended, he didn’t take it with particularly good grace at first but I think he sees now that it’s untenable as he sort of apologised and said he needs to sort himself out. I hope he does but I’m starting to see he’s ‘quite’ avoidant and buries his head in the sand

It's really difficult to understand the situation but as long as you are clear on it and happy with your decision that's the main thing. For what it's worth I think pain now will save you much greater pain down the line - like pulling out a splinter to avoid an abcess!