fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

@amedeusamadeus people nod along with and agree with all sorts along the way and play a longer game -

My other concern at his age would be honesty - do you think he could have lied to you about income- as someone else said not all high earners are sensible - could he have lied- because it's an unusual guy at that age who has so little possessions he can move into a shared house if a high earner- has he got stuff in storage- ? Did he have lots of 'stuff' when he had the rental place? Did he sell tons of stuff? There's no way my H at 60 could go to a shared house without selling an absolute boatload of stuff

@Crikeyalmighty good point!

I'm renting at present but with a storage unit as there's no chance I could fit in my stuff here.

He left all his furniture in the marital home as moved into a beautiful furnished house, then a lot of his other stuff was at his parents’.
He has since bought furniture for his room in the shared house and has things stored there in the garage.
I don’t understand why things played out the way they did with regards his marital home, at the time his adult stepkids were still living there but they’ve left now and bought their own homes.

Some of his stuff came to mine but I made him take it all back when I first realised he was going nowhere fast in terms of his temporary home.
ive only been in his room a handful of times and its cramped, he has a lot of clothes and cool bits but I find it a bit sad.

He hasn’t lied ref his income and I know his savings is originally what his ex paid him off for the house and I presume he’s saving more . Im not privy to his spending but obviously I have eyes!

@CalicoPusscat problem is there are are a lot of bullshitters out there who tell a good story and fool others and I really hope this isn't the case at all. I may be way off the mark as some people do indeed 'travel light' but it did cross my mind as my H has thousands of records, books, films, hi fi gear, plus furniture, pots and pans , snorkelling gear, glasses etc - a high earner usually has 'stuff'

Ah cross posted OP !! Ignore me- probably too long a mumsnetter and think I've seen it all on here over the years

Yeah he does have a lot, hence his room being crammed plus storage elsewhere.
he doesn’t buy anything unless it’s top of the range, no matter what it is and has a lot of fripperies because they’re well marketed / well made and he’s a collector of cool pop art stuff as well as electronics

kitchen stuff in the main kitchen and he is the house provider of all the grown up kitchen supplies as well as much of the food , condiments etc, it’s one of the things that bothers him about their arrangement, it really is like he’s the dad of the house

@amedeusamadeus I've actually met a few guys like this in the co working hubs where I work- often quite physically attractive cool dudes, intelligent, well spoken , cycle, quick thinkers ( don't know if any of this applies to your chap) but what always amazed me was at. Say 48 they were doing the shared house thing again- I used to chat and with some of them it was because they were paying whopping maintenance , with others it reminded them of their student days and made them feel youthful- they hated the silence of a pad on their own after living in a family vibe and they certainly didn't factor seeing their kids in their living space into it at all , others were just total tight arses and wanted the money to spend on holidays, going out or saving. They were in theory the kind of guys many single women in their 40s on here would be attracted to !

some might think of it as the cowardly way out…. But sometimes it’s easier to write it down. That way you get no interruptions and you can put your view across and express how you’re feeling.

I sometimes have to do it with my husband as he struggles to express his feelings and I get frustrated and it’s the only way he’s able to communicate what he means. We then talk about it afterwards.

I wish you all the luck x

Could he be in debt and used his money from the house towards it? He spends lots but has no assets.. he won't talk about his finances but had hoped to move into yours even though you said no. This is a bit of a red flag for me

Yeah he’s exactly like those guys. He’s very cool and popular and desirable.
he lives EXACTLY like a dad might live IF he was paying a whopping maintenance or supporting a non working ex wife but his own kids and stepkids are all adults and were when he divorced and his xx is successful in her own right and the fact he was looking at buying originally suggests he must have had a decent deposit.
the way he’s living now I can’t imagine that he’s spending his wages every month, it’s possible there’s debt but then why would he have a lump sum he’s adamant he’s not breaking into?
I am of course less sure of him now but the way he’s talked about his savings/ deposit sounds genuine

I never pry particularly because we are still early is days and because I believed we were both clear on not living together any time soon o despite my frustration and sometimes challenging him, I’ve not felt it appropriate to delve further

@amedeusamadeus what I would say with these guys is compared to what's out there- I can see the initial appeal - and he isn't an outlier by a long way- I've known others.

My own view based on what you said is to really think about what you want- if you really like him as a boyfriend and get in well then don't throw the baby out with the bath water- just say you love having him in your life but it's a bit full on having him or family around all the time - could he discuss that and make some compromises? If he really likes you then he will, if he sees you as a way of facilitating his life and making it easier rather than a longer term thing- I think you will find he moves on - sorry to say that but some of these guys once they get their freedom back can be quite mercenary- and they really are not a partner if they aren't openly sharing their situation honestly or compromising in any way - personally whilst I find living like this odd- if you don't want him living with you , then it's up to him- however not at the expense of using you as a hotel / restaurant etc

it’s possible there’s debt but then why would he have a lump sum he’s adamant he’s not breaking into?

Any chance he didn't get any financial settlement from the ex as the house was owned outright by her and protected prior to marriage?

I can't imagine being his age with good money and sharing with an ever changing cast of strangers, twenty years younger than me. You would have no control in your own home, different people in and out, random shags staying the night, it would just feel very unsettled to me.

I think he does find it unsettling hence all the time at mine , but the money saved is more attractive plus I think he doesn’t want the hassle of moving again

I think @crikey has made very interesting points. Her description of him is one i recognise and worked with, became friends with.

Charming, entertaining, a cool vibe, sexy and flirty, divorced.
Definitely players. In a shared house for all the reasons mentioned, money and convenience. I shared with a couple. They definitely liked banking large amounts and paying beer money rent.

But these guys are super selfish when seen up close, shitty fathers.
Certainly not relationship material.
Shag them maybe, but they really are too selfish.
They are all charm until they hear No.
Now the lovely OP is seeing his mask slip.

She is now annoyance to him as he tries to confuse and give her the run a round.

He absolutely wanted to and planned to move into your home, still banking his money while enjoying your comforts.

He 100% is not reliable.
He is with you only as long as it suits him.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
You are simply too good for him.

I think it’d be easy to get drawn into pondering his whys and wherefores, but that’s just distraction from OP’s boundaries. You’ve done a super job of articulating how bring in the dark has shown you the light. Stay focussed on keeping the pause button pressed, and let him show you who he is by his next steps. You’ve the power now. And you can keep that pause button pressed as long as you like.

I love this, and your user name, I have a bedtime earworm now, to go with my food for thought

So true.

just keep that pause button pressed and see what happens. I realise you feel disappointed and anxious, but you also seem quite confident in what you want the relationship to be and what you don’t. Even though this may be something you’ve only recently realised.

He either changes the dynamics or he doesn’t. You say you’ve always stated you wouldn’t consider him moving in until your children are older. He’s either misunderstood or deliberately misunderstood or hoped you would change your mind. Well you’ve reiterated that once again so there’s no confusion at all on that score now.

You have a comfortable home and are in control. You’re not going to be coerced by him to allow him to move in, so he’s the one that’s going to have to make decisions about his current and future living arrangements.

MN is always extremely hard and black and white on relationships. You’ve given yourself this two weeks timescale whilst he also deals with a stressful time at work. Keep the pause button pressed and wait and see how he navigates his
path through this. You obviously hope for a better future and decent outcome and don’t want to end it just yet which is fine even though frustrating.

Things will become clearer for you one way or another.

WELL SAID 👏🏼

I think it looks like as your hospitality increased, he convinced himself that just a bit more subtley getting himself and his DC's feet under the carpet would lead you down a path of offering for him to move in, disregarding what you previously said. He may have convinced himself that it was going well the longer it went on, until you started mentioning your discomfort at the situation "oh shit, have to pull this back or she won't let me move in, I know, let's do a weekend away". Then nothing changes, so you maybe mention the extra work involved in hosting all the time "heck, better start making myself useful " All this time he's decided that if he can convince you to share your home with him and his family on a part time basis, it's not to far a step to to convincing you to accept him moving in. Somewhere along the line he believed he could change your mind, it could of been from the start , or the Christmas family together moment was a trigger.
He's now dealing with the realisation that you stand by what you originally said, he's failed to convince you. I'd guess that's the stress he's under, being busy with work is a handy excuse at this time. He needs time to work out what his revised plan is, if he's happy where he is, or maybe he's been putting up with it as he saw a nearby end in sight. He may not have been happy in his rental on his own before meeting you, so he doesn't like that option while knowing its what you want of him.
Of course, we can all theorise, as so far guessing is what you and everyone else is left with, because he has not let you in on his thoughts. He needs to open up about why he's done things, whether he's happy where he is, and most importantly, if he is willing to wait until your DC's are older or not, and what's he going to do while he waits. His choices are to carry on as he is, but that will mean to keep the relationship with his DC's going he will have to visit them all the time (will he when it's more effort on his part?). Or buy a house so he can have them over, and if he's lonely get a lodger. Your choice is to decide if the options he takes are acceptable to you. Whatever your DC's ages, you should aim to get a new place jointly if it happens, no just moving in when they hit 18 or whenever. It might be the only time you get to find out about his finances by entering joint house ownership, I hope that would not be an eye-opening moment and he hasn't been dishonest about his worth.

Take care of yourself, OP. I think all this back snd forth about housing just confuses things.

Its easy to lose sight of this basic fact:if a man wants to be with you—really loves you—he will move mountains to be so important to you that he can be in your life all the time. whether that is texting, dating, holidaying, whatever he wants to be with you. This guy has really enjoyed you, and what you had to offer. But he wasn’t honestly progressing the relationship towards something more intense and permanent. If he were he would have proposed outright merging households. Or offered to buy or rent close enough to you so that you could merge households in all but name.

You had and have good reason to not move him in. But what good reason did he have for not building a nest into which he could invite you?

So he doesn’t like being the father of the house. Probably because of the responsibility and additional financial cost. But he is happy for you to be the matriarch with the additional responsibility and at your financial cost …

Yup. Maybe he thinks it’s a fair division of labour. I have no idea but it’s clear that he has important thought processes he’s not been sharing with me for who knows what amount of time.
i feel shortchanged in every way