fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

@amedeusamadeus - yep- it was why I mentioned his longer term plans because I could kinda see what he was doing if it was for a very specific purpose for a specific time period - I am rapidly coming to the conclusion he saw it as a shorter term stop gap before getting his feet under the table at yours, rather than getting himself a new rental to himself at possibly twice the price -
I suspect when he realises that isn't happening and that you aren't a convenient lounge cone restaurant for him and his family with sex on top- he may well cool off rather quickly.

Doesn't mean to say he doesn't like you OP - I'm sure he does - but I think it's also a convenient set up for him too and if you aren't going to be so amenable that he himself will cool it as he will realise that unless he's going to be house sharing in his 60s - he's going to have to actually face his options

I'm very much of the opinion that if someone isn't honest and forthcoming about what their position is after you have known them for a very good while - they really aren't 'a partner' -they are simply an occasional boyfriend and should be treated accordingly

Obviously look at all that has happened before but I feel it is more important that you look at how he has responded to you telling him how you feel and putting in boundaries..

Is it possible that he doesn’t like living by himself? Granted he house shares, but maybe he is used to sharing a house with a woman and that’s why he’s gravitated to yours, rather than his, or to settle down in his own property.

Additionally, and please forgive me, I’m thinking outside the box here… Is it possible his long term plan is to be in the position to buy a larger property to accommodate you all?

I do believe that both your partner and his family should give you the respected space you need. But when it comes to his family, as it seems as though you have a good relationship with them…. I’d personally see it as a compliment. BUT… if they love in another town, your DP should be travelling to their house midweek as opposed to them landing on your doorstep at the weekends, if you get my drift.

Lastly, have you asked how your kids feel about all these people turning up, are they comfortable with it?

I don’t think he likes living by himself but he hasn’t disclosed this to me neither has he ever mentioned buying anything for all of us later on, he was originally buying and now says that was never the plan…
I haven’t asked my kids but I still maintained boundaries on the whole when they’re around, it slacked off more over the summer holidays.
my kids were a lot more interactive with him and his kids visiting than they are when it’s just us so no I haven’t directly asked them but also it is my house. my children still retained their own space and despite feeling encroached upon I made very clear when I needed it to be just me and the kids.
more latterly they overrode this, or tried to , mainly by outstaying their welcome and this is precisely when I have arrived at this point of saying ‘ENOUGH!’ And having approached it with him twice in the last few weeks and not getting a satisfactory response I came here to thrash it out and help compose my thoughts

Should also add, he seemed pretty happy about living alone when he had his own place when we were first together

Yes, this is really smacking me in the face right now

Sorry but I hope it helps in the long run even if it hurts now.

How can your friends not understand that by using your house constantly you are basically doing all the cleaning, feeding, bill paying etc in the relationship?
He is royally taking the piss. His dismissive attitude to you raising this with him shows you that he does not see you as his equal. He is his only priority (as is shown by his previous treatment of his kids).
Throw this one back. He is not good enough for you.

I’m sad to say that I think there is an unspoken consensus that single mum = house and single man = no house therefore Single mum + single man x man moves into single mum house

single man lives happy ever after

I am rather agog at your friends see it as you having a house and he doesn’t as if it were your responsibility to provide him and his various children and grandchildren with a house and clean up after them. It's fine to enjoy expensive clothes provided that you can afford them but not if you're exploiting somebody else so you can afford them.

I wonder about his financial situation. Some high earners are not high savers - money just runs through their fingers. He moved into the "bachelor pad" when the landlord sold the house so he wasn't even on the housing ladder at that stage despite being a high earner. Has he kept that lump sum he mentioned safe? Has he added to it? However, whether or not he can afford to buy again is rather irrelevant because his financial choices are not your responsibility. Is he making provision for retirement? I rather think he thought you would be providing him with a house and perhaps superannuation and I am imagine as far as wills are concerned your house - the one you bought and paid for - should be going to your children.

You say you're not getting time to yourself to enjoy your home and feel you're running on empty with work, housework, and your children. If your health breaks down I don't see him stepping into the breach. You must prioritise yourself. I realise that the dating pool is smaller in middle age, but he does seem a bit of a user despite doing some work around the place and buying some groceries which he has apparently thrown back in your face. If I had raised these issues with a man and he told me that he had a demanding two weeks of work and he'd get back to me, I'd be blocking his number and ending it. I'd enjoy having my home back and not being a domestic skivy for him and his assorted family.

I think he will be fine where pension is concerned but absolutely my house is for my children. I have worked bloody hard.
I never had anything from either of my workshy parents and I plan to break that cycle for my kids.
I do understand how hard the current housing market is which is another reason why I’ve been patient and I think another reason why people think it’s a no brainer that he moves into mine or part time has his feet under the table

It's really easy. Just stop having any free weekends until you are ready to see him. If he invites himself say you are busy. If you are free arrange a meeting out and about so you can then leave and go home.
Sounds like you need to go back a few steps to earlier in your relationship.

Can I ask and I really don’t mean to be pry or step on anyone’s toes.

Deep down… are you truly happy with this man? Fantastic if you are, but looking at long term, this is probably what life is probably going to look like.

I genuinely was. It has been really lovely on the whole.
We have lots of things in common and similarities and the same sense of humour and enjoy doing lots of the same things. there seemed to be a genuine love between us and our sex life is fab, very in tune with each other etc.
There’s lots about him I respect and am proud of and enjoy but now I’m wondering if I have overlooked all the negatives because I was blinded by love.

Yep agree. I think he may peter out anyway

If you think he'll peter out then give him another minute?

Sorry I don’t understand?

Oh so he was waiting for move into yours

That's why he hasn't brought a house

Again as I said in my first post

So nice and refreshing to see a mum think of her kids and not move the man in at once

If you think he'll let the relationship just drift and die, why give him any more time?

I realise now I missed out the word why.

i suppose your going to have to weigh up the “pros and cons”

if your have a good heart to heart to the point where you explain your “long term plan for you both and as a family” and how you feel at this present moment in time… is he likely to listen, or do you feel he wouldn’t understand where you were coming from?

it does sound like you have a good thing going, and for me, if I were in your situation, I’d want to be 110% sure, before any decisions are made or anything petered out.

yes but I only discovered this yesterday!
I had no idea that was his secret thought process.
we had discussed this before and I had been very clear that it won’t happen any time soon and have my reasoning, he definitely agreed and we have discussed it more than once.
feels like my dog patiently lying in wait for hours and hours before finding a safe window in which to pounce and steal food off the table

Ah thank you! I guess there’s still a part of me that hopes he’s going to turn it around. I’m embarrassed saying that but I’m being honest

We always hope they'll change.

I'd like you to do something for yourself that you enjoy and step outside him for a while

You've nothing to be embarrassed about.

I have. I divorced my h five weeks ago and I'm still hurt he doesn't show any care or be nice to me. He hasn't since we split 13 months ago. That's embarrassing.

I really don’t know right now.
I have to really clear my head and observe how I feel along with observing his behaviour.
i am angry and sad and feel shortchanged and dismissed and disappointed in both myself and in him.
I have said all these things before and he has definitely listened and understood because that’s the times when he’s increased the crumbs of helping out, weekends away etc but now he’s claiming he doesn’t understand and is acting blindsided as though I’ve suddenly pulled this out of a hat, maybe because I haven’t complained for a while but I have brought it up three times in the past few weeks, each time a completely different response. First time: totally shut me down, second time: said he understood and offered the calendar solution, third time: he’s said he’s under pressure, said I'm being generally disingenuous and giving mixed messages.
ive left it that we can discuss it in two weeks and not made a plan to talk or see him before that time