fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

you are not at all an arse. you are just dealing with a bit of a chancer while not being a chancer yourself, so it takes a minute to adjust

It isn't fair to the OP to make out she is some kind of low self esteem fool when there are actual women (I assume) on this actual thread (admittedly not many, which is nice) saying things about how one "naturally" moves in together "properly" if one is "into" a relationship. It is exactly this societal sense that men have rights to women's spaces that this man is trading on, and it does not make him exceptional or even necessarily irredeemable. Stop making out that he is some trilby-ed lowlife in a Graham Greene story who is always producing a cigarette case and being "surprised" that there are none left, among other obvious tells (dirty raincoat, vague about his address and workplace, happens to be going where you are going, etc)

I feel like this thread has turned into some high concept Bill n Ted meets Amadeus movie where two versions of Wolfie are duking it out throwing Viennese pastries at each other or something

I'm not even suggesting that you leave him, OP, if you want to be with him then do - but get him out of your house. Your home is for you and your children and he shouldn't be eyeing it up as a future base (he is).

Date him, but encourage him (by keeping your keys to yourself) to get his own house so that there's no impending doom of him moving in and never leaving hanging over you. You said that you aren't ready to have him or anybody move in but he's doing this by creep, a bit here, a bit there - and his family coming over and staying, like cuckoos, to the detriment of your children and family time.

Why would he think this is ok? Would he tolerate this the other way around? I very much doubt it but then, you'd never do this. No woman would.

Protect what you have and safeguard it before allowing anybody else to come near it/share it. Better that then allow him to run roughshod over you and your home - and then having to try to get him out.

He's an adult. He's living in a house-share. He has children who want to visit and he has made absolutely no provision for that. He's ridiculous and entitled in equal measure. I'm sure he does have good points, you wouldn't be with him otherwise, but the more you do for him/allow him to do, the less he will do for you - and you've seen that come to pass. Push back, re-establish your boundaries and whatever happens, you'll be ok and so will your children.

Hahaha and you brought in Grahame Green and trilbies, is not where I expected to end up but is a nice bit of cultured relief

What “help” has he thrown in your face? How did he say it? I thought he was too busy to talk?

Oof! He's a user disguised as a 'nice guy'. You're definitely being played.

I think a grown man with his own DC, living in a house share and still spending on expensive clothes is seriously selfish.
I understand he works hard but it’s like he gets a hybrid bachelor/home comforts life where you OP are like provider central.
Of course, if you’ve got to know family members and like them it’s a win-win for him. But anyone who likes you can meet you for a coffee in agreed leisure time.
Reclaim your home and your life and see where that takes you.
You deserve better than providing a hostess service for a man whose first priority is himself.

To those criticising my post I think your not getting the point I'm making.

I don't think it's black and white that he's an evil user that's out for what he can get tbh.

I think OPs home set up happens to be a lovely bonus for him but not his sole reason for dating her.
He had his own lovely home when dating her at the beginning so he clearly didn't set out so sponge off a single mum. Him being at hers all the time is a byproduct of his living situation. It just doesn't happend to work massively in his favour but he didn't purposely engineer it that way if you get what I mean?
OP says she's welcomed his family in off her own back, he didn't enforce it.

I did say that the OP should stick to her boundaries within the 6 months period. So if that means no family or regular sleepovers at her house then that's that.

Like I said in my previous post, he has a lot of flaws which suggests that this relationship will not work long term regardless of whether he moves into his own house or not. So with that in mind, why push him to move out when it's unlikely theyll be together long term anyways?

I personally would dump him but that's not because of his living situation exactly but because of his actions. I think OP is focusing on the wrong thing. His living situation if a symptom of his character and value flaw and not the cause.

So why I would dump:

Him leaving with his family after they visit and not staying to clear up with you. That's such a selfish action I would feel the rage and shows aajor character flaw of selfishness.

His history with his children. As a mother myself I wouldn't have gotten passed the initial dates once it was revealed about his ex wife's treatment of his kids and him putting his love life and step kids first. That to me would show such a fundamental difference in our value set that the relationship would be a no goer. I can't imagine my kids not even having their own space or feeling important in their own family and home. I can't imagine prioritising someone else's kids over my own to keep my current love interest happy. Despicable behaviour. He clearly doesn't feel that visceral love for his own children which you can't learn to have. Either you feel it or you don't and he doesn't. That's a character deficit you can't move past. He's out for number 1.

Finally, and this I'll get flamed for this so I'll don my hard hat. If I was a man and was him and a high earner, in cheap accommodation with a shit ton of disposable income, then me and OP would be living the high life on the weekends she didn't have the kids. I wouldn't be chilling at her house. I'd be taking her to spas and luxury retreats. When buying myself luxury goods and id buying her a luxury handbag too. I'd be wining and dining her all at my cost. With no kids and lots of cash it'd be meals out, trips to the theatre and city breaks. Why? Because that would be the main purpose and driving factor to living in a house share at that big age. Id want to be enjoying my money with my partner. I wouldn't be hoarding all my cash and chilling on her sofa on a Saturday night and taking it in turns to buy a takeaway. How frigging stingy. It's a mentally I cannot and will not ever understand. Mean with money, mean with love. If your not in debt, not got a gambling addiction, have tons of cash and not planning on buying a house with 0 dependants. Then why on earth wouldn't you?

I wouldn't expect OP to pay a penny as a single mum on a much lower income. Id take enjoyment out of treating her and experiencing the fruits of my labour together

I think in that set up with 0 plans to move in together then the benefit of his set up would be the luxury weekends, fun trips and treats. It would be fun for both and I don't think the OP would feel any resentment. I certainly wouldn't.

But his actions and track record show he is inherently selfish. He's selfish emotionally, practically and financially. So wouldn't think that way.

So for that reason I'd end it. It wouldn't be the living situation but the fact his living situation represents his biggest character flaw and deficit. His selfishness.

Nothing a user likes more than a kind woman with poor boundaries....so easy to take advantage of.

No man as loving as one who needs a home.

No mean tight man as happy as one that finds a generous woman with a comfortable home he can use for free.

All three of these statements of lowlife's apply to him.

He should have been lobbing you serious money for all you do, taking you out, weekends away.
But instead he has been spending money on himself.

Selfish mean man.

You are far too good for him.

@amedeusamadeus you sound so decent and reasonable. Sadly, decent, reasonable people can find themselves in situations where those around them are not thus inclined.

He really isn't bringing much to the table but is taking a lot. Using your home as a hosting space for his family isn't OK, you're not a blended family and if you split it's doubtful you'd see his kids/grandchildren again, however pleasant they are. They are not your responsibility and please don't continue to let him make them so, while prioritising his own "fun" life and expensive wardrobe.

It sounds to me like a situation that has happened sort of organically and he's found that it suits him rather well at present. I don't think he's a bad person, perhaps just a bit lazy and thoughtless. I may be wrong! It has been known.

That’s what’s kept me stuck so long. Incrementally I complain and that’s when the things came in like helping out around the house and more latterly the weekends away but it’s piecemeal really and I know that they’re done to stop me moaning.
he would be quite happy to sit on my sofa every weekend and take it in turns to buy takeaways.
i always always pay my way and when he did pay for hotels I paid for the food and when he helps out around the house I’m always working alongside him so it’s things like going over the kitchen or changing the bed and tidying the garden (all places he uses frequently)

The people agreeing it’s his choice where he lives are absolutely right and I agree it’s my choice how I respond to his choices and I am responding now.
now he has met this with anger and insistence that it’s too much for him to deal with and that I’m adding to his stress.
not any acknowledgment of the stress I’ve been under carrying him for this amount of time whether or not I allowed it to happen or should have had better boundaries in place.
he should at the very least be contrite if he had no idea I felt this way .
He did did know I feel this way as I have said it many times, I think that now I’m saying it more strongly it’s impacted him because he might have to act or have to lose something

@amedeusamadeus like my previous post this stingy behaviour is what is such a kick in the teeth!!
Why is letting you pay for meals and take it in turns to pay for things?!

Does he ever treat you and buy you random gifts or give you luxury experiences you couldn't afford yourself?

In his position with all that cash I can't fathom why he'd let you.. a single mother.. on a lower income with loads of outgoings pay a single penny!!

DP won on the horses a few months back. Not much about £500. He paid for me to get my hair done, bought himself a new jacket and then booked us into a Michelin star restaurant.

If I had £££ with minimal outgoings and 0 dependants and DP was a single parent of several kids and less money and higher outgoings then I wouldn't let him a a penny! The status quo would be me picking up the tab at my insistence.

Id be booking us into spas for massages, going off for city breaks and buying us posh cheese boards and nice wine! Birthdays and christmas would be trips away somewhere or a designer handbag you'd never buy yourself.

I can't fathom how he can sit on his hoard of cash and buy himself lovely clothes and luxury goods whilst accepting you buy him dinner as a single mum with less money.

Doesn't it sting a bit?

Before anyone jumps on me it's not gold digging, it's sharing your wealth with your partner as the higher earner. It's the whole benefit of living in a house share.

Yes it does sting now and I’m crying. I have
not seen the wood for the trees.
I have worked at not looking like I’m taking the mickey and in so doing have taken the mickey out of myself

Well I'm as daft as you OP. You shouldn't be paying for a thing.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt has not enhanced my life either.

Ah I’m sorry, it’s a shit feeling

Good for you. You said he has a lump sum, so he needs to spend some of that on renting a place where he can have time with his family.

👏👏👏No flaming from me @Glowygoose . Spot on. This bloke has slid into expecting all the benefits of a partner from OP, to share her home as if it's his, but when it comes to him sharing his stuff and money, suddenly it's strict 50 50 and every so often a strategic treat to keep down the discomfort. He expects generosity from her, while not making the effort to extend it himself.

I have a theory that given the lingering 'single mum' and 'gold digger' stereotypes, most women are overly anxious about not being seen in this way so will go halves even when it's arguably unfair, ie when the man earns 4x what they do. Meanwhile it goes unnoticed that men very often don't seem to feel this anxiety at all.

That is wrong. You really don’t trust your instincts at all and this man has you completely bamboozled.

If he spoke to his kids about this already he knows he (and they) have shit the bed with you. He warned the children not to be difficult and demanding—just like he told them not to come over too much when he was married to his second wife! He is just repeating old patterns. Get in with a woman. Flatter her. Share her good life. Push his own responsibilities off to the side if necessary.

He is tiptoeing around avoiding you for the next two weeks trying to figure out how he can return to status quo (with or without the kids). Is it anger that will bring you to heel? Sulking? Pity?

How shameless of him to let the children use you as the all giving matriarch then tell them to hide until you get iver being withholding. That is not what is happening! It is outrageous that the only move he has made is to make you feel bad rather than to accept that there is a larger problem that he needs to solve.

Of COURSE he is affected over the next two weeks. What a bullshit artist this guy is.

now he has met this with anger and insistence that it’s too much for him to deal with and that I’m adding to his stress.

grrr?!

Every time he says he's stressed at work you can say 'me too, and at home, which is why I need it to be a peaceful space for me'

Exactly this. You don't live together so if his family want to visit they can do so in his own house. It's very unfair on your own kids.

He is an adult so if he is choosing not to buy or rent appropriate accommodation that is really on him.

Find your anger........ and use it constructively...

@amedeusamadeus I honestly believe (and please tell me if I'm wrong).

That the crux of the issue is his selfishness and not his living situation?

If your entirely honest open and honest here, if he were to be selfless in his actions would his living situation really be a problem?

You'd be off every other weekend doing things, having trips away and nice meals out. You'd be enjoying log cabin cottages with nice wine or evenings at the theatre followed by dinner.

Sure, it's all be on his dime but in return on the occasions his kids visit you'd probably be more than happy to then host. He provides the fun and you provide the 'base'.

I don't think the housing would bother you then as you'd be also experiencing the benefits. You'd BOTH benefit. Him with minimal outgoings, lots of disposable income and no responsibility whilst having a loving long term partner and 'base'. You with being spoilt to things and experiences you wouldn't otherwise afford whilst also having a loving long term partner. It'd be a win-win.

So why doesn't he want to share? Why doesn't he want you to both benefit? I mean cmon now, he knows your not a gold digger. A gold digger isn't a single mum dating a man living in student digs, offering to pay half of all dates and hosting said mans family at their home. He knows your not after all you can take and he'd have worked that out by probably the third date. So why doesn't he want to share but be happy to take. Why doesn't he refuse when you offer to pay for things. Why doesn't he just pay for things knowing your financial situation whilst he has plenty of money? It should be a non issue.

As it stands he gets all those benefits whilst not sharing a penny of his wealth whilst also getting you as a single mum to take it in turns to pay for a £30 takeaway. Stingy as fuck.