fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

I just hate this gold digger shit!

I was told a long long time ago that to say NO early on in a relationship, and to get sick, told you a huge amount about a partner, the character and level of kindness.

He has reacted with anger at you telling him No.
This is not a good man.
Angry and unpleasant when you raise being unhappy.

Tells you he is too stressed and busy to shut you down.

I wouldn't allow him across your threshold again.
If he wants to see you going forward it happens exclusively outside your home.

You are done providing the vast majority of comforts.
I bet you will see an even nastier side to him.

I'm so sorry you are so sad.
It is very hurtful to realise you have been used.

Excellent post from @pikk..he's such a shit dad, with form for being a selfish prick towards his own children.

He will definitely be hoping you cool down in two weeks.

no way to nicely say this but it doesn’t sound like a relationship/ team thing from either of you. You sound so unsure and to be honest you have so many conditions he must be wrecked, and surely you must be wrecked from him and having to analyse and plan like that. Not a ltb but I think I’d think about maybe this isn’t working. Sorry op x

What are the so many conditions?

That you not be treated like a free hotel?

Op said he texted about coming over and she said no. Shes talking about ground rules etc. (sorry op, I hate saying she etc like you’re not here x) You might all be very different to me but ‘treating a house like a hotel’ is what you do when you’re dating (in my experience/ imagination!). Roles reversed Id honestly find it difficult (again maybe just me!!)

The key to this, I feel, is that being in a relationship should make both partners' lives better. You are making his massively better but it sounds like he is making yours considerably harder and the good bits have diminished to the point that they are outweighed by the drawbacks.

When you spoke about not being able to go to his for a hug after a tough day, that really spoke to me. You are so supportive - not just to him, but his kids too. Where is your support? When he's at yours, he's mostly just "living his life", he's not there FOR YOU.

I'm glad that your eyes have been opened. What you choose to do now is up to you. You don't have to LTB because MN says so. The main thing to take from this thread is that YANBU and he IBVVVU. Have the courage of your convictions. Good luck.

Yes, we’re not saying LTB. Just give yourself some space, pump the brakes on the one-sided giving and see how he either steps up to meet your needs, or continues to spit out his dummy because the one-way giving has stopped.

He is saying you are stressing him out because you have withdrawn what he thought was his “right” for a woman to be the mother figure to his kids.

He has already copped to his plan which was to move in with you—saving even more money—and have you just take over being super mommy to everyone. He would “pay” his share by always being point de vice, paying for takeaways, sometimes changing the sheets, and the occasional handy man gesture.

Everything else was in service to that

I want to add that OP you didn’t deserve this and you were not foolish because it happ. You met what looked like a fully functioning, age appropriate, model citizen of an adult man. He seemed loving, caring, functional, hard working, he had what seemed like a beautiful goal of reconnecting with his children and grandchildren. And he was, seemingly, very appreciative of you and (rightly) very admiring of you. Anyone would have walked up that lovely garden path!

Your eyes are opened now and his appeal has lessened, even more so with his reaction to your reasonable requests. He’s been selfish at best. Would call it a day.

someone who won’t even make you welcome at his place with his random housemates should get zero time with your DC.

He also sounds like he was and remains a poor father (and now grandfather), which is unattractive

Ha- this guy really has life all sewn up, hasn’t he?

When his kids needed a mother, he found a wife. I’m guessing she didn’t put up with his shit and got rid so now he’s divorced and has a part-time girlfriend who he outsources his family to.
Very handy.

Then, as a middle-aged grandfather, he has money in the bank while paying a reasonably low sum of money to live in a house share with a group of blokes young enough to be his sons, and he gets to admire their 20-something year old girlfriends while you’re spending your time cleaning up after his kids and grandkids?

He’s a genius and he saw you coming.

Brilliant clip @PaminaMozart !

Oh wow! That’s stunning! Thank you

Thank you for your kind words and for understanding.
i have talked to a few friends about this but is hard because most of our friends are mutual and everyone bad nobody, loves him and most people see it as I gave a house and he doesn’t. Lots of people like expensive clothes and see that as a right which it is and people say ‘well why would you want to go to his anyway?’ , meaning his current frat boy digs.
me trying to explain what I really want gets me tied in knots and feeling petty, tight and embarrassed

When I first started reading this thread I thought that there had been a lack of communication between both of you and that things had just organically changed over time. In fairness with you facilitating a lot of the whole family dynamics of supporting his children etc and acting in an encouraging way. You even mentioned your own children ask when they are seeing his family again etc.

You admit that your own actions have led to where you are now.

It is of course odd that he’s living in this student type vibe and didn’t even sort out a suitable property rental for him and his visiting family. That could have been as temporary or permanent as needed, whilst still enjoying your relationship and visiting each other’s homes. This is obviously what you have wanted.

It now appears he was wanting to move in with you hence no apparent plans to sort out more suitable accommodation.

But how he responds to your current upset and dissatisfaction with the current situation is the key as to whether you have a future together or not. A wise person would take on board what you are saying and act appropriately to rectify this giving you both time and space to enjoy your relationship.

You have clearly stated that until your children are older you don’t wish to live with him. He hasn’t listened and urgently needs to.

It does also seem somewhat off that you have been providing a warm and comfortable home environment and he’s still expecting you to take it in turns to pay for takeaways etc. especially when he earns much more than you.

Now you’ve laid your cards on the table perhaps you need to expressly tell him what you expect from him going forward.

You're not a fool, OP. You've acted with kindness and decency towards your 'partner'. The fact that he has stopped doing the same is entirely on him.
Bottom line is that you are giving more to the relationship than he is. Unfortunately, now that you've pointed it out, he's become defensive and dismissive when he should be looking for ways to restore the balance.

It's a shame he turned out to be a selfish arsehole, but at least you know now. I feel a bit sorry for his kids. You can ditch him and move on, he'll always be their less-than-adequate dad.

@amedeusamadeus i would not be too sure that all your mutual friends just see it as you have the house, so why not. I think there may be some who see this differently but wouldn’t speak up, seeing it as “stirring”. I say this because I once had a very charming, using boyfriend and I thought all our friends just accepted that we all looked after him and they would have thought me mean for not playing ball. I was wrong, it turned out, after we broke up

When the two week limit is up, I'd suggest you shut him down for a further couple of weeks. You also have an equally important project (delousing this loser from your memory bank) that needs to be completed.

How dare he tell you he won't discuss this. I'm raging on your behalf 😡Dear sweet, lovely OP why are you accepting him making you wait ? He doesn't get to choose that. He's training you to not challenge him by punishing you. He probably thinks you'll miss him and be glad he's back under any conditions.

I think you sound lovely and I expect his children really do appreciate how welcoming you have been. But........this must not be at the expense of your well being or that of your children. Fill your own (metaphoric) cups first. Use this time for fun stuff. Treats and outings or chilling in PJs and watching movies with your children. Anything and everything you wouldn't be doing if you were busy butlering for the cock lodger you nearly got saddled with.

No matter what 'plan' he comes up, with you can't deny the blatant lack of respect this man has shown you, your children and your home to date. Even if he changes his ways, can you really just ignore that he's only done this after instruction? That he would have happily continued to use you for as long as he could get away with it. He will only be changing (if he does) because he has to, to keep the benefits you bring to the table (that he's trying to wedge his feet under).

I think the crux of all this OP is what does he intend to do long term? He's got to be late 40s / early50s at best if he has young grandchildren - this means he will struggle to get big mortgages over a normal term and may be looking at shorter term- if he rents he is maybe going to want a fair bit behind him when his rent shoots up. If your plan is that he isn't moving in with you then he will be aware of this. If he laid his cards on the table and said to you I'm doing another 18 months of this so I've got £75k to put down on a flat or I'm going to rent once I've got £40k in the bank then there would seem to be a purpose to what he's doing- at the moment it doesn't seem to be there with an 'end of play' - I wonder if you might feel better if you understood his reasoning a bit more. Still doesn't mean he should be taking advantage of your good nature though- which he is.

You need much better friends if they cannot understand that the home you work and pay to provide for your children is not a public convience for him and his children to use and then walk out the door like you are some skivvy.

I'd go fxxking mad if someone used my home like this and it is not difficult to understand why.

That he lets you pay for take aways when he is staying so much is so vile.
You really need better friends.

Tell them that your children and you need your home for yourselves not as a public convience but you will send him and his family over to theirs....idiots.

Yes he plays his cards very close to his chest which is his prerogative and I have no real idea of his financial position other than what he’s told me and what I see. The two aren’t always congruent.

His long term plans have changed since we started dating and at periods throughout where we’ve discussed it. The latest long term plan seems to be we’re not discussing it.
fuck him. I’m happy not to have any more painful pulling teeth conversations.
me feeling in the dark is giving me the clarity I needed