fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

Yes I have heard from him, he is now stressed and feels under pressure because of me asserting my needs, has spoken to his kids about it, I haven’t asked what their response was, he seems to be carrying on as normal with his busy weekend so I don’t think the lack of access to my house will impact him much over the next week or so, if at all

Haven't read the full thread but I can guarantee you that he's not looking for somewhere to live because he is planning to move in with you.

He feels under pressure?

this sounds like more manipulation. No one should be made to feel bad for stating their needs.

if I was in his position, and a partner said what you have to me, I’d be mortified and apologetic. I’d be doing everything to take steps today to find somewhere. And let’s face it, if it takes him 6 months and 4 days to move into a new place, you wouldn’t dump him so it’s not even a hard line.

I’d also be saying to you I’m sorry I’ve made you feel so sad all this time.

the lack of acknowledgement of how you must be feeling to precipitate this is shocking!

Yes he has told me now that was his ‘hope’ that we would live together, I said I’m not even considering it until my kids are no longer kids.
for numerous reasons I don’t want a stepdad scenario, not least of all because of how his kids felt in his home when they were children.
He already knows this so I was surprised to hear he has been quietly holding out for this

No mortification or apology, just sad I feel this way and he’s under a lot of pressure. I did say what about the pressure I’m under and he said that’s why he hasn’t shared how much pressure he’s under.
fucking hell

I don’t think he has a secret gambling addiction or anything but who knows. He likes expensive things so if any costly addiction it will be shopping. He dresses like the new seasons drop of selfridges men’s department , which as I’ve said all along is of no consequence to me if he was living in a situation which reflected his unnecessary outgoings . I’d be interested to see whether paying bills etc would afford him this amazing wardrobe.
im much more of a bargain hunter but he has always been like this. My ex husband is the same so its not particularly remarkable apart from the way it’s so disparate from his living situation

Neither of you sounds that into the relationship, especially if you don't want him to properly move in with you. Why should you dictate where he lives? It's up to him. Just say no to the kids at yours. It will force his hand.

So now you know, despite you saying he is not moving in, he has been trying to do this by stealth.

He just another scummy, mean, cock lodger, who uses a single mother as he spends all his money on himself.

He hasn't a notion of buying a place.
Why would he when his plan is to use you and your home.

How have you not got the Ick.
Find your anger even for your children.
He doesn't care about any of you, you and your home is for him to use.

Absolute lowlife🤢🤮

Yeah what a cheek. I agree he is taking the piss OP. You need to put a stop to it. As PP said, why can't he visit HIS family in their homes?

He really is a twisty little bugger isn’t he?! 🤣

Look, this is easy. Ok, let’s take at face value the PP defending his actions. Let’s just say that yes, actually he’s enjoying his house share and if you decided to finish it he’d be quite happy to stay there… ok, that changes nothing! OP is unhappy with the set up mainly not because she feels he should be doing x or y for her, but because she feels she’s being used, her house and time and resources are being sucked away by him, mainly because he’s jettisoned these elements from his own life.

The way to solve this is to take control. To say sorry, how you live us up to you but I’m afraid I can’t plug the gaps you’ve created any more as it’s having a really detrimental effect on me and therefore our relationship. And you STOP. And then how he reacts is entirely up to him and you watch it play out! Maybe he shrugs and says fine, I like my house share and so I guess we’ll see less of one another and me and my kids will have to meet at restaurants etc. And you say fine, great, I’ll enjoy being a part of that when you think it’s appropriate, thank you, those are much better boundaries for me! I will enjoy not constantly hosting you and it will put a stop to the resentment killing my regard for you.

Or maybe what most posters assume will come true. That when faced with HAVING to be 100% in house share land, it won’t be so appealing. And he’ll finally put his hand in HIS pocket to provide the home comforts OP has been facilitating. And you’ll once again say fine, great! I’ll enjoy us having a far more equal situation, those are better boundaries and I will enjoy not constantly hosting you and it will put a stop to the resentment killing my regard for you.

So - what PP says above, to which you say ‘This is why I feel I’m being unfair’ - well no, why? Whether he intends to take advantage or not is kind of immaterial. The issue is you’re not happy with how the relationship is going and so, because you want things to remain good, you have decided to change what you are doing in your own home. Which is entirely up to you, and he should if anything be pleased that you want the relationship to stay good so you’re being honest about what isn’t working for you. There is no ‘give him 6 months to improve’ about it. There isn’t necessarily a problem at all with his housing - if it suits him, fine. But you also get to decide what your housing looks like. If the two are no longer compatible then that’s a shame but it isn’t on you to do all the compromising.

The good thing here which you need to remember is that you are drawing boundaries for you and no one else. So you smile and say ahh that doesn’t work for me, and you are clear that you’re doing a Good Thing - being honest, so that things stay clear between you.

So in answer to his rather manipulative stuff about pressure you just smile and say, I’m so glad we’ve had this discussion. Looks like we’re both under pressure so how lovely that we can be honest about it! Now you know how I’m feeling about the constant hosting and taking over my space, and I know that you’ve been under pressure too. Lien I said, let’s both give the other person what they need, or at least be honest about our boundaries and limitations. Time for us both to give the other space 🙂🙂🙂

Oh I have the ick don’t worry about that

The more this goes on, the more selfish he sounds. His family history confirms this.

So he feels under pressure, and was assuming at some point you'd let him move in, and I think you've seen what a selfish man he'd be to live with. I'm sure his kids are good people but you'd be shopping and cooking for their ever more frequent visits and no doubt clearing up afterwards.

I really dislike the LTB bandwagon that frequently pulls up on MN for the silliest of reasons, but I do think this is a case of him showing you who he is, and you should believe the evidence and make a decision based on that.

@amedeusamadeus he's so whiny 🙊

Love this, thank you. I’ve got to keep reminding myself I’m not the bottom of the list. It can often feel like that anyway as a single parent and I’m just allowing him and his lot to compound that

You don't have to "properly" move in with someone to be committed to the relationship. Especially if that means that Op's children are sidelined in their own home. Some people are in long term relationships for years but don't live together.
She's not dictating where he lives she's just pointing out that the situation is not equal as he is using her space but he doesn't have any space to offer in return.

You are a really nice kind woman.

Unfortunately that makes you vulnerable to users.

That's what he is.
A mean lowlife user.

You and your children deserve so much better.

No woman with boundaries would tolerate this bullshit for a minute.
Remember that.
Remember what you are modelling to your children.

lol I am kind. I’ve always been kind and he knows this as it is one of my oft praised qualities by him

He’s always known my intention has been not to live together in my house while my kids are still kids so I can only assume he hoped I’d change my mind at some point or he’s just happy with the status quo.
Or he was until he ‘inconvenienced’ me which he has said ‘sorry’ for now….

I just knew that Glowygoose's post was going to hit the spot with the OP. She doesn't want to change the status quo and it's not going to change. Her 'partner' is going to carry on doing what's best for him and she'd better shut up about it.

Carry on, Amadeus, but centre your children at least rather than this grabby man who has seen you coming. If that's what you want/feel you deserve then fine - but your children don't deserve this in their home.

Good luck with it all.

it is one of my oft praised qualities by him

I bet it is!! 🙄

what an arse I’ve been

The way I read it is he just sounds lazy. He had a nice house before, who facilitated all of that, the ex maybe?
I suspect he just thinks he will move in with you eventually and it’s all set up for him with zero effort. I think he just feels like he’s fallen on his feet. He has somewhere he enjoys living and when he needs somewhere else, he has yours. It might not be malicious/financial, just easy. I bet he hasn’t even thought of the negatives for you. As a menopausal woman nothing sounds better to me than separate housing.

He may just not want the responsibility of a house, but clearly he needs one. Also if he needs another mortgage he should move on it rather than waiting as he’s not that young.

You've not been an arse. You are just too kind for your own good.

You may feel that mumsnetters are ganging up on you, but please understand that all these calls to LTB are coming from a place of kindness and wanting the best for you and your children! 💐

From one composer to another , I don’t feel ganged up on, I feel vindicated actually and of course a more than a little foolish.
i think it’s been the gradual process that has fooled me somewhat.
its a bit like a bait and switch situation except that I don’t think he was knowingly trying to mug me off in the beginning when he had his own place. 8 think that when he went into his friends stopgap house share ‘temporarily’ I started to make allowances for that and let down many of the boundaries I had in place before.
this was also during (what should still be) the honeymoon phase so I had my rose tinted glasses on too.
and then it became more convenient for his kids to see him at mine and we became closer in our own right so then they were coming to see me without their dad present etc and it has just got out of control for me whereas for them it has become a comfortable hangout

I have to emphasise it’s not just his kids/ grandkids but it is how he’s made himself at home at mine too.
i do genuinely appreciate the extra help he gives , he’s now thrown this back in my face, but i don’t think I’d need as much extra help if it was just me in charge of my space and time.