fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

You have done the math op.

1/4 of your costs.
4 X your salary.

Of course he is "confused".
He is so dishonest.
A mean LIAR.

He knows EXACTLY that he is screwing you financially.

He doesn't care.
He is gaslighting you with his "confusion".

He is a bad man.
Bad for you.
Bad for your children.
Bad for your home".

He is a user.
Please try and understand this and accept it.

Good men on great salaries don't screw over single parents.

Scum does.
He is scum.

This is really sad

Please try not to feel sad @amedeusamadeus , you have seen that it’s not right and you have tried to remedy this. I think you should recognise that and give yourself credit for it.

It is normal to grieve when someone does not live up to how we hope they will be and feel that it’s somehow us that must need to do something different, or query if our expectations are reasonable.

Your expectations, as you have seen on this thread, are reasonable and normal. If he has chosen not to match your expectations, that’s on him. Most of us know that in the interests of having a relationship where you aim to meet in the middle of each other’s expectations, sometimes you have to do things differently or compromise or compensate in some way. He needs to meet family at yours, most people would ask, plan, prepare and clear up and say thank you. A hotel weekend that also benefits him is not compensation.

Thanks. Yes I agree that my expectations are normal, especially when based on my knowledge of his situation prior to us getting together, during his marriage, as a single man and when we became a couple.
i have not got into a relationship with a man who’s been displaced from the marital home and all his money is gone on supporting his wife and children so he has to live in a shack to compromise.
i got into a relationship with a man who is solvent, who was looking at buying property, who had a nice house, a decent job and had always done ok for himself.
had I originally started dating him in his current set up I am not sure we’d have gone anywhere with the relationship.
but then I think what if things went wrong for me and my living situation became horrible and he had to do all the hosting?
would he be on at me to sort myself out etc?

I'm sorry you're sad, @amedeusamadeus . the thing is, it is sad that men exploit women, knowingly or unknowingly, because the social tructures that allow them to exist. But it's not your fault. And we don't know yet how this is going to turn out. It could be that you can re-set this and have a lovely relationship. It is sad that you have to, yes

I get you see sad. Seeing your man you love being ripped apart

I totally get you went to give him a chance and 6mthe to prove his self

I hope he does but I don't think he will 💐

I do think we are slightly at risk here of doing that mn thing where everyone gets really excited about taking the most extreme view of someone else's life. I think the reality is that people are imperfect, society is set up to benefit men (in general), and if you are a woman who wants a loving, equal relationship with a man you will have to enforce that one way or another and it will rarely come naturally from some enlightened being. I would not advise all my friends who have rather selfish husbands or boyfriends to leave them, necessarily, because the way of the world is that if you want love and sex and companionship with men, you have to set the terms on which you are happy with this and demand that the man live up to them - he won't, on his own. This is tiring, and, yes, sad, but there we are. I am not saying the OP should stand by her man even if he is a user; I am saying she should make her own decision as to what she requires and give him a chance to live up to it.

I am saying she should make her own decision as to what she requires and give him a chance to live up to it.

The OP has made her decision and told him what it is. He is refusing to live up to it.

I have adhd so I struggle with lines and boundaries more than most.

Reversing it and asking yourself would he put up with you hanging at his place and having to entertain your DC is a really good way to think it through.

And it's not all sunk costs, just because it's gone a bit awol now, it sounds like you gained a lot in the meantime. It's just got a bit out of hand now.

Following on from your last post, the key difference is that his living situation hasn't become poor. He's chosen it this way and has the funds to improve it.

There will be nots of plusses to the relationship. But I know one thing I'm very guilty of is seeing someone for their potential and not how they are right now. And, full disclosure, I'm doing that right now but about a different scenario.

The most concerning things for me are what I posted about him still not putting his family first. Even after acknowledging that he has let them down in the past. And his refusal to discuss how you feel because of his very important project.

So he isn't prioritising his family. Or your feelings. His priority is reducing his outgoings and his very important job. Is this something you can accept? It seems unlikely he will change. If he can't change for his children and grandchildren.

This. Respond with 'OK, you just concentrate on your project then and we'll meet in a couple of weeks and come back to it then'. Any talk of coming round, or even just arriving - meet with 'no, I don't want to stop you getting your project done on time'. To the family, if needed, say 'your dad has a big work project and no time for anything else for two weeks so we'll wait till then. I'm busy as well'.

You are sad because you are a nice kind woman.
A decent human being.

He's not.
He's a user and he knows that he is onto a great thing.
He is amassing serious money while he uses you.

It is sad to know you have been usedvand manipulated.
It happens.

But you deserve better and you know it.

He wants you confused, unsure, stupid.
So he can use you and your home.

Your children deserve better than their home and mother used like this.

But this is not the situation at sll! You do not have to bend over backwards to make excuses for his behavior.

He seemed like a responsible, mature, man when you met him but then he shifted into a different style when he realized he could exploit you for his benefit. If you had been dating him snd lost your housing would you have relied on him to make abhome for you and your children? Perhaps you would if you had been progressing towards marriage. But you wouldn’t if you were not. Because you hsve never abandoned your children or your responsibility to make a home for them. But he has. He has consistently put himself ahead of family. And you aren’t even gamily to him (not that he hasn’t previously ended two relationships with women after marrying them).

If you had the money and ability to set yourself up with solo ‘adult’ housing with all the benefits and ease that that brings (and costs), but CHOSE not to, and to e.g. lodge with friends in order to save money…

…. but then expected to be able to access HIS costlier set-up so that your money-saving lifestyle came at no ‘ease cost’ to you, costing HIM even more money and taking his ‘ease’ …

…then yes I’d expect him to tell you to stop being such a cheeky fucker!

Imagine you had a friend who proudly told you she was saving soooo much money since she got rid of her expensive washing machine and sacked her dog walker and wasn’t it great, and ohh by the way could I just use YOUR washing machine for the next few washes as it’s rugby kit and it’s soooo hard to do by hand and oh! Are you taking Fluffy for a walk, oh you wouldn’t mind taking my Fido too would you? Only I’m soooo tired from doing all this washing by hand… pretty please’ 🥹🥹

Thats him. Fucking user!

Haha the difference being I can’t imagine ever behaving like this

Hmm reading this thread and I have slightly different opinion.

If you dumped him tomorrow would he still be in the same living situation or would he quickly find somewhere else? Be honest with yourself

From what you've written I think not. I think he'd likely stay as he is as you said he likes the company and it's cheap. He'd probably love there until the house share naturally changed started to change it's status quo (housemates moving on, new people moving in etc).

So on that note I wouldn't be pushing him to move out at all. Why? Because his sole reason for moving out would be pushed by you and that's actually a burden for you to live with.

His outgoings would double, maybe even triple. He wouldn't have the company he enjoys when your not around. You have no plans to live together for many years. So he'd be spending years living on his own with triple the costs solely so that his girlfriend can pop over once or twice a week.

Then if the relationship breaks down anyway he's left with expensive outgoings and being lonely with no company whilst you carry on in your little family unit with no change. The thought of that may even stop you breaking up with him in the future for whatever reasons out of guilt of knowing his whole set up has been changed for you. So then your in a relationship you don't really want to be in our if guilt for the massive changes he's made for you.

He's already shown signs he's not exactly got the qualities and values you have (his history with his kids, selfish tendencies etc) so there's a high probability it may not work out long term anyways. So him moving his entire life set up may just be kicking the can down the road for the inevitable break up anyway.

It's a tricky one, but i would probably not mention it again. Give him 6 months and see what he does entirely off his own back and if he hasn't decided for himself he wants to move on then I'd end it. Id also stick within my boundaries I was happy with during this time. I think without you mentioning it he may stay there in which case you can walk away with 0 doubts that it'd ever work long term as his life view is so different to yours.

Hmm...Is there any chance at all that he's not as solvent as he claims? Maybe earns less or has debts perhaps? Maybe a gambling addiction?
He might be making noises that he's happy where he is to you, but I'm not sure I'm buying that, given he's organised and houseproud. It doesn't fit with being in a HMO with youngsters who are the opposite. He would of got plenty of notice on his rented house, he could of rented similar or bought then, a HMO only makes sense and is only something to be done if money is an issue. I think he could of misrepresented himself, that is why he's reluctant to move and is using you, he's not as solvent as he makes out.

@Glowygoose

OP constantly has his family at her home. They are happy he has a home where they can visit. They feel comfortable there. They don’t visit him at his room in the house share. He feels good having given them a home to feel safe and secure in when they visit (at long last) Except it’s not his home. He shoulders none of the burden of having a home at all.

The whole point (which I feel you may have missed) is that OP feels overwhelmed with the happy (for him and them) routine that he has confidently created for himself and for them, in her own home where she is trying to raise her own much younger dc. It’s not a happy routine for her. She wants it to change. That’s why she posted.
He is leeching off her and she needs to assert herself in the face of his blatant disregard for the points she keeps talking to him about which he keeps on disregarding. He carries on with his own agenda at her expense and detriment.

Your suggestion that, for the next six months, OP never mentions it again and ignores her own mounting feelings that this is wrong, is not going to help her in any way.
I think it would be detrimental to her well being, and to that of her children as he gradually takes over her household as if it’s his own. - At the same time, splashing the cash he is supposed to be saving, on expensive items for himself.

He needs to find a solution for his family for himself, instead of using OP and her lovely nature and her hard earned cash to prop him up. She is doing all the giving and he is selfishly doing all the taking while she gets further and further worn down with it all.

Have you heard from him @amedeusamadeus? Is he staying away with his 2 week work flurry?

100% this has been my thoughts the whole time which is a big reason why I haven’t been consistent with saying anything about him getting his own space.

what????

Please don't give him 6 months! He's had more than enough time already, you KNOW this isn't what you want.

As long as he, his kids, and grandkids aren’t using the all-inclusive Hotel OP over the next 6 months…

I agree. The man is a grown-up!!!0

@amedeusamadeus...... why are you still wavering? What is actually stopping you from putting yourself and your children first?

Surely you realise that if the shoe was on the other foot he would not hesitate to prioritise his own needs!

Which he is actually doing already. And walking all over you in the process. This is so sad...

This is so true. Look at how he treats his family- even after a second chance.

@amedeusamadeus I totally understand why you feel sad. But please don’t beat yourself up about it. You can’t stop other people behaving selfishly- you can only put up boundaries against it. I also think a lot of your sadness about this is reality not meeting up to expectations. That is totally understandable.

saying this, as like @Cantbesure ive also fallen in love with potential. But you have to look at what is there.

and seeing things for how they are really is a blessing.