Should I share what happened with my wife?

[seekinghelp1]

I need advice from wives.

So something happened to me 3 years ago at a massage place. I don't want to get into the details because most people say it was sexual assault and some people say it was cheating. If I post the details here, I am sure the split will be the same and there is no reason to go analyze it further. I called a few sexual assault hotlines and they said it was assault. I spoke with ChatGPT about this in detail like 100 times and ChatGPT says it was assault. I posted it on sexual assault forums and people mostly say it was assault but some people -usually men- say it was just cheating.

Things have definitely changed since the event. I changed my outlook on life and I don't complain about things like if we don't have sex or have to visit her family. I focus a lot more on making her happy. Our relationship is in a great place right now and she is so happy. Like she dances around the house with our cat and sings. I got a good job and she graduated. The problem is that I have been suffering for 3 years and I don't know what to do. Like it comes in waves. I never thought I would cheat and I never understood how people cheat. I said no to that masseuse a few times, but I just let it happen. I told myself during it, "if you don't move and don't enjoy it and didn't ask for it, never said yes, it doesn't count" That is so stupid. I just think about this event over and over for years. Every detail. I try to remember what I could have been thinking at every moment. My wife is traveling this week and I am kind of glad because it gives me space to cry when I get home from work.

If this happened to my wife, I would be mad she didn't share her pain with me. Even if she objectively cheated on me, I would forgive her if she felt this pain. But I don't know what good will come from telling her about this. She won't leave me over this but she might look at me differently and it could just stain our marriage. Honesty is the right thing to do, but not when there is no reason and there are many reasons to the contrary. I just want to hug her and tell her I'm sorry. It hurts knowing I betrayed my best friend. I promised her parents I would take care of her. I can't live knowing I might have cheated on her. I also can't live without her. I can't live with knowing I hurt her in that way. Worst of all, I can't change the past. I developed mental health problems over this and telling her would probably help a bit but this was my mistake. Why do her more wrong? I am leaning towards telling her but I am definitely strong enough to carry on like this and work on my own mental health if that is the correct thing to do. Thank you for reading.

Hi
thank You for sharing this, it must have been very difficult for you.
honestly if this happened to my husband I would want him to tell me. I think that you need therapy and please don’t feel guilty about what happened. It isn’t cheating. You’re wife will be grateful you have told her and no doubt it is going to be a rough few months ahead but you need to share this with her. Tell her everything.
If you don’t want to tell her, I would go to a therapist. They will give you the tools to help you with this. Either way I would want to know , especially if my partner was so upset

Also, you can really tell you love your wife.

I'd strongly recommend some counselling (for you) - preferably with a sexual assault service but, in any case, make sure the person you talk to understands why this is haunting you. Carrying a large emotional burden like this will be interfering with your marriage, so you should tell your wife WHEN YOU ARE ABLE to describe your feelings about it, and why you kept quiet for so long.

It may be more constructive to do this after talking it through with the counsellor.

Has OP said he kept going back? I read this - admittedly unusual - story as more like the "freeze or fawn" reaction that so often plagues female victims.

The bottom line is that you need to be compassionate to yourself first and foremost. When you are kind to yourself it makes the process of moving forward easier.

I kept saying no in the same massage session. I didn't mean to say I always go to this place and refuse the inappropriate touching. Everything happened in the span of minutes. But again, this is just the same where most people say it was SA and some people say it was cheating. That seams to be the consensus.

I think the fact you are so tortured about it it suggests it was sexual assault as opposed to consensual.

I know you don't want to go into specifics, but just to understand - are you male, and the masseuse was female? And I assume it was some kind of happy ending that was offered? You said no, but they insisted?

Was it a reputable massage place?

In my opinion, no good is really going to come of telling your wife. I'm all for honesty, but this was years ago and a very strange situation.

I don't know actually. It's a tough one. On the one hand, they say that telling the spouse does nothing but ease the cheaters own guilt.

On the other hand, it wasn't cheating, it was sexual assault.

I find it tricky because if a male did this to a female client, it's sexual abuse, no cheating, absolutely the woman should tell her husband, possibly the police, and hopefully get some therapy.

It just seems different as you are male. And I understand that doesn't seem fair.

I could be wrong, but I think there must be many men who in this situation would think "result!" and then just move on and not feel any remorse at all.

I think you need to let go of the guilt. Which you are struggling to do. Would therapy of some sort be an option?

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I sympathise, OP. I recommend that you get some professional counselling to sort through this wretched situation. I don't advise telling your wife because it would cause her pain and possibly cause her to mistrust you, although it certainly sounds to me that you were abused. It depends on your relationship - only you can decide what to say or not to say. A therapist could help you with this too.

You have jumped to a lot of assumtions here @RickyGervaislovesdogs . I have had massages in a place for massage, why do you assume here it was one of those establishments??

OP, get some therapy and the you may be able to talk to your wife. You have been brave and I am sorry this happended to you.

It's guilt. If it was consensual, you feel guilty for doing it. If it was assault, you feel guilty for not stopping it. You need to speak with a counsellor who can help you sort this all out.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. I would vote for telling her - if it were my other half I'd absolutely hate the idea of him being in pain and suffering with this alone. If you said no and the person persisted anyway, it's sexual assault. There's no ifs, ands or buts about it. You deserve support, not a lifetime of self loathing over something you didn't want. And in case it's relevant, that stands even if it felt good in the moment - sometimes your body responds in ways you can't control - if you said no, you said no. Tell your wife how much pain you're in, and let her support you. Explain to her why you didn't tell her before and what you're afraid of. You shouldn't have to carry this alone

If a male did this to a female and she described freezing it would 100% be construed as sexual assault. I guess this would be because the freezing would assume to be based around shock at what was happening and fear. It is far more common for women to fear men and how they will react at fighting back or rejection, which is presumably why a vast number of SA victims freeze. They are obviously not consenting.

Were you afraid of what the masseuse would do to you during the assault, OP, or was your reaction based primarily on shock that it was happening in the first place? You describe a whole host of thoughts that took place while it was happening and it reads as though you felt unable to stop her from doing what she did. Make no mistake I am NOT blaming you for what she did to you - it was without doubt unacceptable, and a criminal offence, as you had told her no several times and made it clear there was no consent verbally. Do you think she was attracted to you or was providing the ‘extra service’ for monetary gain?

Have you considered reporting her to the police? The time lapse is irrelevant- sexual assault is sexual assault. It has clearly had a huge impact on you mentally and emotionally.

I’m not sure whether I would tell your wife unless you wish to have her support in taking the matter further, as she would be more likely to find out something had happened if the police became involved etc. If you want to tell her primary to confess, then forget about it, I’m not sure it would have a positive effect on her and therefore your marriage, but if you need her support emotionally then that is what she signed up for when she married you and she should be there for you to help you through this.

No means no regardless of the victim being female or male. The victim blaming being spouted in this thread is revolting.

OP, you have not cheated on your wife. I would want my husband to tell me if this happened to him so I could support him through it. All victims suffer trauma from an assault and need the support of those that they love.

I don't see how you will be able to move past this without telling her. You should because you can't change it. People make mistakes We are human. It even sounds like you were assaulted. You shouldn't have gone there but it's happened now and you need to forget the past and build a future together. If you can't stop torturing yourself then tell her. My husband has a one night stand and told me about it because the guilt ate him up. I would never have found out otherwise. I forgave him. It made him ill just like this will make you ill. Sit her down and tell her. It's not fair that you are being punished for this every day. Good luck

You need to tell her. Keeping this secret with destroy your relationship.

By the way, I know you don't want to go into detail, but just so you know that it is possible for people to feel turned on, get an erection or even orgasm while being raped or sexually assaulted. The human body is an organism that reacts by instinct, particularly in times of extreme stress like you describe. If you did feel turned on, have an erection or even orgasm, that doesn't make it consensual and still constitutes sexual assault.

Have you read the other thread recently where a woman has repeatedly been told she has been raped by her partner, even though she didn’t say no at the time?

How is this any different, because it’s a man telling the story?

As a criminal defence lawyer what you are describing sounds a lot like assault to me. Many- most- sexual assaults do not involve someone being held down as they try to flee.

Many victims freeze during assault, and then minimise in the moment and even after- going so far as to re-initiate friendly in-person contact with the perpetrator. This is so they can convince themselves it isn't assault, because facing the reality feels too big to cope with.

It's also what makes sexual assault so hard to prosecute.

I think you should join a sexual assault survivors group. I think you will find a lot of recognition in your story and perhaps support too.

I think you should tell your wife, personally. But reading some of the responses here I can understand your reluctance.

Quite frankly I'm shocked there's any debate happening here that what happened wasn't straight up sexual assault. It was.

If the genders were reversed absolutely no one would be doubting it and I'm appalled at the hints of victim blaming.

@seekinghelp1 it was assault. You didn't cheat.
I think you should tell your wife, she'd want to know to support you, she loves you.

I don't know her so admittedly it might be possible at first that she thinks you're spinning a line in order to get out of cheating accusations but you know her best and she knows you, I would hope she would listen and support you 100%. I don't see how she couldn't once she found out the affect it has had on you.

You don't have to tell her, its entirely up to you what you want to happen now.

I believe you, apparently so do the majority of other people. Sexual assault happens to men as well as women and is equally damaging- look at what Brendan Fraser has said about his experience.

You do need therapy to help you, and I hope you're getting it. If not then please get some.

I think this is going to continue to eat you alive if you don't share it with your wife so I hope you find the courage to do so. I'm certain she won't want you to suffer alone without her support. Wouldn't you want to love & support her if the situation were reversed?

I believe you. You're a victim of sexual assault and it's destroying your mental health, please seek help.

Speak with a therapist first. You need healing around this. My heart hurts for you. Assault is horrible. We freeze. I’ve been there too.
if she could potentially get an std, you need to have a talk with her so she can protect herself - but if not,
get clear with your own heart by going to a therapist.

you don’t owe your story to anyone, and you are allowed to tell it in your own time (if at all), if you’re not putting anyone in danger for their health.

maybe also don’t go to that parlor anymore.

Another one saying that it sounds like you need to speak to someone about this. Maybe a male therapist would be useful as you won't feel like you have to over explain it to someone who doesn't have the same anatomy or societal expectations. You can go with the goal of working out whether you should share with with your wife or not.

I have expereinced what woudl be classed as a very sexual "minor" assault. I froze, didn't say anything at the time. When I reported it to police 15 years later I cried when I was speaking about it because I just remembered the fear and loss of control I had over what happened.

@RickyGervaislovesdogs Appalling victim blaming on your part. Simply put, it doesn't matter if the poster went for a legitimate massage or to a massage parlour intending to cheat- they said no. No means no. They were sexually assaulted.

Your post is the equivalent of telling a woman that if she went back to a man's hotel room and said no to sexual advances when there that she's to blame for what happened.

It was sexual assault. The victim blaming on this thread is revolting. Let's hope you have more compassion for the men in your life, be they husband, father, sons or nephews.

Just because it was a massage doesn't automatically mean it was a sex worker

So many assumptions on this thread

A friend of mine, who was on holiday with his wife, went for a massage at the resort they were in. The male masssuse touched him completely inappropriately. He said first time it happened he froze & thought it had been accidental when it happened a few mins later he realises it was deliberate & stopped the massage & left.

He was mortified he hadn't gone with his instinct & stopped it immediately.

It wasn't a massage parlour, it wasn't a sex worker but he had feelings of guilt for ages afterwards because he didn't react the way he thought he would.