Should I share what happened with my wife?

[seekinghelp1]

I need advice from wives.

So something happened to me 3 years ago at a massage place. I don't want to get into the details because most people say it was sexual assault and some people say it was cheating. If I post the details here, I am sure the split will be the same and there is no reason to go analyze it further. I called a few sexual assault hotlines and they said it was assault. I spoke with ChatGPT about this in detail like 100 times and ChatGPT says it was assault. I posted it on sexual assault forums and people mostly say it was assault but some people -usually men- say it was just cheating.

Things have definitely changed since the event. I changed my outlook on life and I don't complain about things like if we don't have sex or have to visit her family. I focus a lot more on making her happy. Our relationship is in a great place right now and she is so happy. Like she dances around the house with our cat and sings. I got a good job and she graduated. The problem is that I have been suffering for 3 years and I don't know what to do. Like it comes in waves. I never thought I would cheat and I never understood how people cheat. I said no to that masseuse a few times, but I just let it happen. I told myself during it, "if you don't move and don't enjoy it and didn't ask for it, never said yes, it doesn't count" That is so stupid. I just think about this event over and over for years. Every detail. I try to remember what I could have been thinking at every moment. My wife is traveling this week and I am kind of glad because it gives me space to cry when I get home from work.

If this happened to my wife, I would be mad she didn't share her pain with me. Even if she objectively cheated on me, I would forgive her if she felt this pain. But I don't know what good will come from telling her about this. She won't leave me over this but she might look at me differently and it could just stain our marriage. Honesty is the right thing to do, but not when there is no reason and there are many reasons to the contrary. I just want to hug her and tell her I'm sorry. It hurts knowing I betrayed my best friend. I promised her parents I would take care of her. I can't live knowing I might have cheated on her. I also can't live without her. I can't live with knowing I hurt her in that way. Worst of all, I can't change the past. I developed mental health problems over this and telling her would probably help a bit but this was my mistake. Why do her more wrong? I am leaning towards telling her but I am definitely strong enough to carry on like this and work on my own mental health if that is the correct thing to do. Thank you for reading.

That is part of the problem and I have no reason to lie to a bunch of people on the internet. That woman had no idea how much money I had and she didn't mention money once. She just really aggressively wanted to touch me. The first time I said no, I showed her my wedding ring and said I am married and she said, "No, its normal". Maybe because I smiled she didn't take it seriously... I thought maybe she wanted to do something sexual so that I would just be out of there quicker but she started doing a regular massage after and after a minute of that I told her I had to go. I remember laying there facing the ceiling while she massaged my foot and my heart sank because of what just happened. She didn't demand any specific tip. I gave maybe $15. She said thank you.

And if the posters here are really cold hearted and cynical enough to believe its OK to victim blame simply because they assume the poster is a male, they may wish to consider how their replies may be interpreted by any woman reading them who feels they can't speak out about their own assault because they believe they were to blame for it happening.

Everything this poster said

I cannot believe some of the replies on this thread

OP you need counselling for sexual assault. Every other question you are being asked is simply irrelevant and if I were your wife I'd want to know so I can support you

@seekinghelp1 I've asked the night moderators to look at this thread because the victim blaming posts should be removed. The night team have limited ability to do this so may just suspend the thread until morning, if that happens I hope you'll come back to it when it's properly moderated for more support.

I can empathize and do know it can happen. This was something I experienced during a massage in Morocco on holiday 30 years ago. The woman masseuse moved her fingers very close to my vagina. I grabbed her hand, told he no and left.

So long as you didn't put your wife’s health at risk by not telling her (STD) you need to work through the trauma in your own way. Telling your wife may help you do this as you say.

Speak to a therapist they can help you make a plan to talk to your wife. I think if you talk to her she will give you support. Be kind to yourself.

I agree OP that you need to work through your feelings in therapy before you approach your wife. Her immediate reaction may make things worse for you as she's trying to make sense of it.

Incidentally I know someone (a man) who was extremely distressed about something similar. It was undoubtedly sexual assault and took a long time for him to get over. Make sure you see a very empathic therapist who will be able to help you to work through your feelings and maybe who is also trained in EMDR which is supposed to be very effective for dealing with trauma.

I have yet to see a thread where a woman who has been sexually assaulted has been told she must tell her husband because of the risk of STIs.

While not disagreeing that STI risk ought to be dealt with appropriately, it is shaming a victim of sexual assault for not responding in the "right" way.

You lot should be ashamed.

You said no. They didn't stop. You froze.

That is sexual assault.

I am sorry.

I also understand your reluctance to tell your wife or other people. The horrible truth is that not many would believe it wasn't intended because it was a massage parlour. The same sort of people who wouldn't believe a woman could go back to a man's hotel room and then say no.

Just wow on the awfulness and lack of compassion on this thread. Every so often I read somethingthat makes me despair of humans. No wonder you are worried about sharing this assault. Despite asking many times to not debate it, people are debating it. They're is no debate here. I believe you and you were assaulted. You need support. And very quickly. Please find a therapist who has delabt with, preferably male (assuming you are male) assault before. From there you can decide who needs to know and when. My heart goes out to you. I believe you and I'm sorry this happened. You will recover but you need help to do it xx

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

It's sexual assault I'm sorry to say this. You repeatedly said no. Just because you didn't shrug that person off and froze doesn't mean you wanted it.

SA against men is not taken seriously esp if it was a woman who did it. You don't have to report it if you don't want to.

Your strength has allowed you to live with it for 3 years but you are allowed to be supported.

I was SA when I was a child/v early teens by a girl a year older than me. I only realised what had happened about 2 years ago when I spoke to my sister. I'm 40 now.

It's a thing I've lived with and it's eaten away at me since it happened. Don't let this happen to you. Take care x

I suggest a talk and guidance from a councellor and then decide.

You just agreed by saying STI risk should be addressed ‘appropriately’! Just because you use ‘fluffy PC’ language does not excuse you from your own scorn as you are in-fact saying the same thing as those you are trying to shame for saying exactly what you are saying!

It was assault. You said no. You froze. This has happened to male and female people I know. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I suggest finding a therapist to talk to about it and then discussing it with your partner. How you frame it when you discuss it will affect her response to it, and it sounds as if you need to understand first that however your body reacted and whatever you felt, the incident was assault. My friend felt too embarrassed to stop the massage person performing an intimate, ‘internal’ massage and then blamed herself for not saying no enough times. It was assault.
I hope you are able to access help and move through this. You and your girlfriend sound very loving.

You said no, there is no ambiguity here, whatever happened whether you smiled,whether you orgasmed. No means no. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I would seek some counselling with someone experienced in helping with trauma following sexual assault.
Be kind to yourself.

@seekinghelp1, most women on this board know that there are FOUR normal trauma reactions, the "four Fs". It occurred to me that you might only have heard about Fight or Flight - the two others are Freeze and Fawn. All are evolved since before we were humans; all have their place.

What you describe is a Freeze response, with a little bit of Fawn (you were trying to politely head her off with a smile). This may help you understand and, hopefully, stop kicking yourself about it. A decent counsellor will know all about this.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-does-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-mean

Oh bless you @seekinghelp1 you were assaulted. It was NOT your fault. Please see if you could maybe have a counselling session to just say it out loud and perhaps have some support to tell your wife. When you do- please don’t suggest there is any confusion about cheating… there really isn’t. You did not ask for a “happy ending” and you said no. That’s all that was needed for anyone to stop and apologise. You were assaulted and you are feeling so awful as it was an awful thing to happen and I’m sorry.

perhaps https://www.sarsas.org.uk could be of help?
All the best to you.

What the hell, @EI12? I've had hundreds of massages, not a single one "a proper physio massage session in a private hospital". They've been at wellness centres, beauty salons, gyms, pools, beaches and hotels. In Thailand it's harder to find a tourist attraction that doesn't offer massages than one that does! (Thai massage is over-hyped in my opinion, but it is a genuine modality.)

You're showcasing your ignorance or prejudice here.

I think you will feel better about this if you find a good time and a good place, go for a walk together and tell your wife. You obviously care deeply about her and she is your primary support person. I think she would want to walk with you as you deal with this.

This is very good advice re how to go about telling your wife about being sexual assaulted (which is what happened).

It is very unfortunate that people spin all sorts of yarns to excuse themselves cheating and often disclose 'voluntarily' when they think they might be found out in order to get ahead of the narrative. Obviously this is not the case here but that may be your wife's initial suspicion and perhaps even more so when you yourself haven't sorted out in your own mind that it definitely wasn't cheating and understand why it was that you didn't remove yourself from the situation (which I think is where your guilt is coming from and where your wife's mind may go).

That reaction from your wife would be very hard you to cope without a separate source of support, preparing to cope with that reaction and being clear in your own mind about what happened beforehand.

I'm sorry, what an awful situation.

OP you have my sympathy. My husband occasionally goes for a massage and sometimes is offered "extras" which he declines. Usually there is no problem but he was really shocked after one experience where he found the woman to be very pushy and he had to emphasise several times that he really meant no to the offer of a "hand job". She spent the rest of the session telling him he was "a good good man" which he found really sad. He did talk to her about it - she said she saw the extras as just part of her job and is paid more for them than for a regular massage. It all sounded very transactional and my husband was obviously unusual in just wanting a massage. (This was near Luton Airport.)

I admit I did feel uncomfortable about it when he told me. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because he hadn't told me he'd booked a massage in advance, perhaps because of his vulnerability, perhaps because these "services" are so easy to access, perhaps because I spend too long on Mumsnet and it sows seeds of distrust (although I have no doubt he was telling the truth).

As others have recommended, please do get some counselling for yourself and perhaps some couples counselling further down the line too. This is a big thing for the two of you to try to deal with on your own, especially if as you've found yourself, some people may frame it as cheating to your wife too.

Wishing you all the best.

”I said no to that masseuse a few times, but I just let it happen”. I presumed (perhaps incorrectly as mn have removed my post) that you’ve kept going back and making more appointments? I’m not the only one to think that, there are other posters who have said the same thing it’s not clear at all in the OP@ComeTheFckOnBridget @rainydays03 .

Sorry if it was just the once OP I can’t imagine how long you were there being touched and the masseuse carrying on with what she was doing and you telling her to stop. As I said, consider counselling and perhaps reporting it to the police.