Should I share what happened with my wife?

[seekinghelp1]

I need advice from wives.

So something happened to me 3 years ago at a massage place. I don't want to get into the details because most people say it was sexual assault and some people say it was cheating. If I post the details here, I am sure the split will be the same and there is no reason to go analyze it further. I called a few sexual assault hotlines and they said it was assault. I spoke with ChatGPT about this in detail like 100 times and ChatGPT says it was assault. I posted it on sexual assault forums and people mostly say it was assault but some people -usually men- say it was just cheating.

Things have definitely changed since the event. I changed my outlook on life and I don't complain about things like if we don't have sex or have to visit her family. I focus a lot more on making her happy. Our relationship is in a great place right now and she is so happy. Like she dances around the house with our cat and sings. I got a good job and she graduated. The problem is that I have been suffering for 3 years and I don't know what to do. Like it comes in waves. I never thought I would cheat and I never understood how people cheat. I said no to that masseuse a few times, but I just let it happen. I told myself during it, "if you don't move and don't enjoy it and didn't ask for it, never said yes, it doesn't count" That is so stupid. I just think about this event over and over for years. Every detail. I try to remember what I could have been thinking at every moment. My wife is traveling this week and I am kind of glad because it gives me space to cry when I get home from work.

If this happened to my wife, I would be mad she didn't share her pain with me. Even if she objectively cheated on me, I would forgive her if she felt this pain. But I don't know what good will come from telling her about this. She won't leave me over this but she might look at me differently and it could just stain our marriage. Honesty is the right thing to do, but not when there is no reason and there are many reasons to the contrary. I just want to hug her and tell her I'm sorry. It hurts knowing I betrayed my best friend. I promised her parents I would take care of her. I can't live knowing I might have cheated on her. I also can't live without her. I can't live with knowing I hurt her in that way. Worst of all, I can't change the past. I developed mental health problems over this and telling her would probably help a bit but this was my mistake. Why do her more wrong? I am leaning towards telling her but I am definitely strong enough to carry on like this and work on my own mental health if that is the correct thing to do. Thank you for reading.

Is the worry that your wife will think you've cheated because you went to the sort of massage parlour where they do offer sexual services?
It was assault, you can say no at any point and I would definitely complain to the parlour at the very least

Don't double down on your vile victim blaming, you shouldn't really be deeply ashamed.

Best hope for you're own sake that karma doesn't exist.

Plenty of women keep seeing the person who sexually assaulted them. No means no.

Just leave this thread since you have nothing to offer but vileness.

Nowhere has the OP said they returned to the massage place. You're just making stuff up now.

@ComeTheFckOnBridget I am not the only that has thought this. Are you tagging and reporting every post ffs.

I don’t know why people are going on about an sti test. Doesn’t sound like he needs it from what was done, though I’ve probably read that wrong too.

@seekinghelp1 I am very sorry if I totally misread your post. You do need to tell your wife, or it’s going to eat you up.

Hopefully my apology won’t get deleted!

Right now, I don't think it matters whether it was assault or not. I think you're being too hard on yourself. The situation you found yourself in was surprising and not of your making and you are beating yourself up for not reacting to it in a different way. Very easy to do with the benefit of hindsight. I think the best thing to do is to chalk it up as a learning experience, forgive youself and move on.

I don't really think your wife needs to know tbh, but if you do tell her, I hope she reacts with compassion and understanding. Be prepared for her to also have an initial reaction, however, and she may need time to process it.

@seekinghelp1 I hope you're ok, please don't suffer alone

Oh op, I feel really sorry for you carrying this guilt.

It almost happened to dp on holiday in se Asia. He went off to get a massage on a trapped nerve in his shoulder and came back quite pale and shaky after it took an unexpected turn. He said he had to be really direct to get the masseuse to stop. He felt awful but he told me all the details immediately and I reassured him. It's a pub story for him these days.

The next time we went, we had a massage together in the same room. I suspect it happens a lot. Please talk it through with someone and get rid of it.

Hi everyone! So I am OP -I just dont remember the throwaway account creds I used.

Just as an update: First off, thank you everyone for your help! Like ComeTheFckOnBridget. I really thought posting here was throwing myself in the lions den because this is mostly a women's forum so that is why I was looking for help from a similar POV my wife might have.

I did tell my wife because I couldn't take it anymore. We cried together a few minutes, holding hands. This was extremely unexpected for her. Like she was talking about dinner plans when I broke down and told her. She told me that she wants me to find a therapist asap and then she shared something about her past that was traumatic for her (unrelated). As the week went by, I have been really trying to see how she is doing and she seems fine and happy. She just keeps telling me to find a therapist and that she will join if I want.

I am just so sick of trauma. Like things are so good in my life in every way. Our marriage is fantastic. I just want to focus on my wife and work and building a family. I dont want to keep thinking of this 3 minutes over and over -among some other traumatic memories. So if anyone is going through some sort of trauma, even if you were completely at fault - I hear you and Im with you.

Again thank you all!

I originally posted to say you said no op that says it all. Then I read your update. I’m glad you found what you needed here.

it doesn't matter if the poster went for a legitimate massage or to a massage parlour intending to cheat- they said no. No means no.

Lol

Is the worry that your wife will think you've cheated because you went to the sort of massage parlour where they do offer sexual services?

I don't think even Will Ferrell in Elf would end up going to the sort of massage parlour where they offer sexual services, accidentally.

If you go to one, you know what type of establishment they are and what they offer. You have absolutely no reason to go to that type of establishment - instead of a legitimate masseuse/masseur - unless you intend to avail of the services.

That is intent to cheat, regardless of what happens after that point.

it doesn't matter if the poster went for a legitimate massage or to a massage parlour intending to cheat- they said no. No means no.

Still means they intended to cheat though.

And use vulnerable, often trafficked women to do so.

I'm not quite sure what to advise here, but thought I'd share my experience as something quite similar happened to me over 15 years ago now. I'm a woman by the way.

I was super stressed and booked a full body aromatherapy session at a place close to work. The therapist I usually saw close to home was away and I needed my destress fix. The female masseuse at the new place must have been half my age, which made me wonder whether she had much experience, but anyway, I got my kit off, got under the towel as instructed and the massage was really good. Until she asked me to turn over and lie on my back. She then proceeded to pull the towel down off my naked breasts and to massage them.

Bearing in mind I have worked in the sports and physio field and I KNOW this is a huge NO NO, my instant reaction was not to stop her, get off the table, shout... nope. I literally froze. In shock I think. She took 5 minutes over that area, then went down to do my legs without covering my chest up!! And I was so freaked out that I waited until she was finished and left the room for me to get dressed and I said NOTHING.

Looking back, yes, she assaulted me. I should have stopped her and gone to the police. Silly me. Had it been a male therapist I would have been absolutely terrified. I do wonder would my response have been different.

I feel for you. I never really told anyone as I felt so stupid and ashamed.

My take on the matter is such. OP did not want a masseuse touching his privates and said no, likely more than once from he said. If he did go there full well knowing the sort of place it was, perhaps he was thrill seeking, maybe he wanted to be massaged undressed. Perhaps he wanted a place that would massage his arse/glutes which they don't do at official places. These are all horrible things, but given that he said no and experienced years of mental health issues and anguish for this, I do not see it that he should suffer any further. For the post, it seems that he experienced a genuine wakeup call and truly changed. He was not "caught". Lets build up relationships where we can.
Life is rarely black and white and it could very well be that he made a horrible decision that ended in him being molested. Or this can all be conjecture and he had absolutely no idea about the type of establishment it was. There are plently of legitimate massage places where a masseuse will offer sexual services for money and plently of illegitamate places where the masseuse will not. There are plently of places that used to offer those services and no longer do example after a police bust. This is also a grey area.

@seekinghelp2 I read your thread and then just caught your update. Your wife sounds wonderful. Get to that therapist and move on from this. I wish you both peace and happiness moving forward.

If he did go there full well knowing the sort of place it was, perhaps he was thrill seeking

That's unacceptable and immoral behaviour in an exclusive relationship.

Maybe he wanted to be massaged undressed

A legitimate masseur will massage pretty much undressed.

Anyway what's the purpose - if he did want to be massaged totally undressed?

Perhaps he wanted a place that would massage his arse/glutes which they don't do at official places.

I think sports masseurs do (?)

Even if they don't, you don't go to a sexual services/sex industry massage parlour - generally staffed by immigrant women with poor English who are often not free to choose their occupation in the way one of us would be - just because you'd like your arse massaged.
Get your wife to do it.

The one you cheated on by entering such an establishment. Because you know what they offer and what they are expected to offer at such an establishment.
Going into one of them and then being surprised that your "masseur" (exploited sex worker) offers/initiates sexual services is like going into a bar and being surprised when the bar tender asks you what you want to drink.

There are plently of legitimate massage places where a masseuse will offer sexual services for money

No there aren't.

They are not legitimate if they do! Get it.

plently of illegitamate places where the masseuse will not.

Why would they be "illegitimate" then?

There are plently of places that used to offer those services and no longer do example after a police bust. This is also a grey area.

It's not.

The brothel massage parlours that are forced to stop doing sexual services due to a police bust will either close down due to lack of business (because that is their business! Their business is not truly/only massages), probably to open up elsewhere....or they will default to providing sexual.services in time. They won't survive as standard/legitimate massage parlours because that's not their business. Men don't go there for only massages.

Perhaps he wanted a place that would massage his arse/glutes which they don't do at official places.

A legitimate masseur/chiro doing a glute massage. As you can see they just cover everywhere except the "arse" side they're working on.

But you didn't really believe your claim, did you?

Hmm... I've had a few Full Body Massages and one did also do my boobs. I thought it was just a different type of massage and didn't think for one minute it was wrong. I thought it was great and very relaxing. Didn't think of it in a sexual way at all.

If OP went there knowing what it was but with no intent in partaking in a sexual act other than being nude, I would say highly highly disrespectful and innappropriate, but lets reserve the word "cheating" for a married man who has sex with his secretary for years. I know men will get a thrill in going to these places before even deciding to partake in a sexual act. After going for a few times, they feel comfortable enough to accept a handjob. Perhaps OP fits in this category. It seems he turned his life and marriage around. We should avoid the stigma of the C word when we can because if he truly will not act out like this again, even in 50 years, he should not have to view himself as someone who cheated. He was an idiot, he got molested and he changed his behavior and told his wife. Is a divorce in order?

Men tend to see cheating as only kissing, hand stuff, mouth stuff, sex, and romantic connection. This doesnt align with how many women view it but the real problem with all of these grey area situations is that couples are not having serious talks about things like porn, strip clubs... etc.. At least before something comes to light unfortunately.

Are you implying that even if a non-married man goes to such a place, they can molest him if he says no a bunch of times? Obv to get more $

That's why you don't go into "massage parlours" that you know are really brothels, staffed by possibly trafficked women (,usually reported on punting sites to have very poor English) who are under intense pressure to make money for the owners.

They (entirely naturally & understandably) think you're there for sexual services.

They are under pressure to perform them and get the money for them, pressure from not very nice people.Thty don't want a punter being able to accuse them of not performing them.

Oh and you usually pay up front - with a rough outline of what you're paying for/what's included ....so how exactly a man would be surprised and taken unawares by their actions is somewhat baffling.

He shouldn't be surprised they start performing sex acts on him , he shouldn't be surprised they might be slow to understand if and why he'd refuse them, he shouldn't be surprised they are reluctant not to perform what they were arranged & paid to perform.

You know what those places are for when you choose to use them, you know roughly what you're getting for when you pay - usually beforehand.

I've never seen the likes of the bullshit spouted on this thread .... To a punter who chose to go into a sex industry establishment and buy services.

He could have gone to any million other establishments if he wanted a normal massage.

He has utterly failed to explain his intent and thinking when entering an establishment of this type and paying for ...what exactly (?) Because it's highly likely he paid before the session.