Should I share what happened with my wife?

[seekinghelp1]

I need advice from wives.

So something happened to me 3 years ago at a massage place. I don't want to get into the details because most people say it was sexual assault and some people say it was cheating. If I post the details here, I am sure the split will be the same and there is no reason to go analyze it further. I called a few sexual assault hotlines and they said it was assault. I spoke with ChatGPT about this in detail like 100 times and ChatGPT says it was assault. I posted it on sexual assault forums and people mostly say it was assault but some people -usually men- say it was just cheating.

Things have definitely changed since the event. I changed my outlook on life and I don't complain about things like if we don't have sex or have to visit her family. I focus a lot more on making her happy. Our relationship is in a great place right now and she is so happy. Like she dances around the house with our cat and sings. I got a good job and she graduated. The problem is that I have been suffering for 3 years and I don't know what to do. Like it comes in waves. I never thought I would cheat and I never understood how people cheat. I said no to that masseuse a few times, but I just let it happen. I told myself during it, "if you don't move and don't enjoy it and didn't ask for it, never said yes, it doesn't count" That is so stupid. I just think about this event over and over for years. Every detail. I try to remember what I could have been thinking at every moment. My wife is traveling this week and I am kind of glad because it gives me space to cry when I get home from work.

If this happened to my wife, I would be mad she didn't share her pain with me. Even if she objectively cheated on me, I would forgive her if she felt this pain. But I don't know what good will come from telling her about this. She won't leave me over this but she might look at me differently and it could just stain our marriage. Honesty is the right thing to do, but not when there is no reason and there are many reasons to the contrary. I just want to hug her and tell her I'm sorry. It hurts knowing I betrayed my best friend. I promised her parents I would take care of her. I can't live knowing I might have cheated on her. I also can't live without her. I can't live with knowing I hurt her in that way. Worst of all, I can't change the past. I developed mental health problems over this and telling her would probably help a bit but this was my mistake. Why do her more wrong? I am leaning towards telling her but I am definitely strong enough to carry on like this and work on my own mental health if that is the correct thing to do. Thank you for reading.

If you go into brothels .....expect them not to be nice places where legalities and niceties are observed.

Legalities & niceties are not observed for the sex workers, so why are you expecting them to be observed for the punters.

The women working in massage parlour brothels are usually trafficked/illegal immigrants who are usually kept with poor English & ignorant of things that could give them alternative opportunities to make money.

But we're supposed to be outraged and sympathetic on behalf of this punter who walked into one.

Did he somehow not know it was this type of place?? Not fkg likely.

He could have gone to any number of normal, non sex industry places if he really wanted a massage.

This whole story reeks of bullshit.

Men tend to see cheating as only kissing, hand stuff, mouth stuff, sex, and romantic connection. This doesnt align with how many women view it but the real problem with all of these grey area situations is that couples are not having serious talks about things like porn, strip clubs

What this man had a sex worker try to do (entirely understandably, she thought it was expected of her and was probably very reluctant not to perform what she thought was expected of her) is "hand stuff".
So .....

Anyway, get an attached woman to do any of the things that you claim men don't see as cheating .....getting a lap dance from male stripper (I've had them; he touched me between my legs and wrapped his dick around my wrist, he ground on me) or interactive porn with a male fitness model/escort .....and see if they don't consider them cheating and have no problem with them!

The vast majority of men most definitely have a problem with those. They are just lucky that they rarely have to be faced with them, compared to vice versa.

I was at one of those strange bachelorette parties where a male stripper in a speedo danced on me. Had a good laugh about it with my husband later on. Anyway, I am not trying to convince you that these grey areas aren't bad. I am just trying to say they are grey areas. Also, men tend to compartmentalize more than women and they often view sex and romance as different things. I am not justifying any behavior, but if we understand perhaps the biological differences, we can avoid or fix certain issues. I have never been a fan of the frire and brimstone approach and would love to see couples learn past mistakes and grow together.

And back to this post, you seem to be saying that he went there, requested a hand job upfront and paid for it and then lied about it that he said "no". I am saying that it is likely op went there knowing it was sleazy or at least not checking, said no when offered the sexual service and the woman really pushed it so that he pays her more.

Usually these places will only offer sexual services after a man comes back maybe 3 times. Usually the woman wants to know the man has cash on him and will pay for the extra service and thus agreed upon either before or right after the massage but never after the sexual act. (It is for a very unfortunate reason I know all of this)

a male stripper in a speedo danced on me. Had a good laugh about it with my husband later on

That's not comparable to what happens in strip clubs.

Your h probably wouldn't laugh with you about the experience I had with a male lap dancer, and the vast majority of women don't find if funny when their husbands/partners have all dances in strip clubs.

Usually these places will only offer sexual services after a man comes back maybe 3 times

What do you base that "fact" on?