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Original poster

Changing your husband ?

87 replies

DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 16:35

Husband here looking to understand a wife's perspective.

Essentially my wife admitted that she thought she could change me. 10 years on she has lost complete interest me and thinks she failed. We've had challenges like any marriage, but I've always made all the money, I can fix anything at home, I am fit (I am on the same belt hole I had when I was 20) good looking (she's seen people checking me out). Could I be more exciting? Maybe? But I don't play video games and sit around wasting time.

Struggles > We don't have a very big social circle, I also think she's pre menopause.

What is my question? I've tried for 1.5 years to turn things around but nothing seems to make a difference. Is this going to be a pre menopause thing or should I just move on?

We have kids in the 10s.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/08/2024 16:37

Anyone who thinks they can change someone is a bit of an eejit, but what exactly has she tried to change?

If it's "never does any bloody housework", then its a bit more reasonable to hope you might see sense rather than "he plays football every Saturday and I expected him to quit"

SilenceInside · 30/08/2024 16:41

Wives are not one monolith, your wife is an individual person and any other woman's opinion may be helpful or unhelpful, who knows which!

All I know about your wife is that she's married to you and female.

What did she hope to change, would be a start to try to unpick this.

Don't in any way try to ascribe her unhappiness to being possibly "pre menopausal".

TonyeKnausgaard · 30/08/2024 16:42

What would she say the problems in the marriage are?

Okayornot · 30/08/2024 16:44

What did your wife hope would change?

LeavesOnTrees · 30/08/2024 16:46

Exactly, you need to be more specific.
Changing someone so they'll be a bit tidier and put the washing machine on is completely different to trying to alter someone's personality....

Original poster
DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 16:51

I'm more of an introvert, (but I do enjoy talking to people and being around people). Am I the grand master of the party, no, am I the shy guy in the corner that can't speak to anyone? No, just a normal guy.

She's much more high energy and was hoping I would be the same. "I can't make her laugh enough". I do make her laugh but she always discounts what I do, it's also difficult because she frustrated half the time. I do help out around the house.

OP posts:
username44416 · 30/08/2024 16:52

Could be too late OP. Sometimes you just give up and detach and are absolutely indifferent.

What has she been trying to change?

username44416 · 30/08/2024 16:54

DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 16:51

I'm more of an introvert, (but I do enjoy talking to people and being around people). Am I the grand master of the party, no, am I the shy guy in the corner that can't speak to anyone? No, just a normal guy.

She's much more high energy and was hoping I would be the same. "I can't make her laugh enough". I do make her laugh but she always discounts what I do, it's also difficult because she frustrated half the time. I do help out around the house.

This is no clearer, sounds like she wants a clown.

Does she want you to initiate trips and evenings out? Come to parties or the pub? Communicate more? Lighten up?

Original poster
DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 16:55

LeavesOnTrees · 30/08/2024 16:46

Exactly, you need to be more specific.
Changing someone so they'll be a bit tidier and put the washing machine on is completely different to trying to alter someone's personality....

Yes she wanted to change my personality. Break my "shell" I suppose. Again this sounds like I'm recluse... I'm not ... I've taken many more risks in life than most people.

OP posts:
FitAndFlare · 30/08/2024 16:57

I do help out around the house.

You do realise that it's your house too, so you're not 'helping', you're (hopefully) just doing your share...?

That aside, from the thread title I was imagining some kind of refund, or exchange policy... I'm sorry this husband isn't as promised, can I exchange for Hugh Jackman please?

Original poster
DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 16:59

username44416 · 30/08/2024 16:54

This is no clearer, sounds like she wants a clown.

Does she want you to initiate trips and evenings out? Come to parties or the pub? Communicate more? Lighten up?

Show quote history

Ha yeah, she would probably wish I was a bit more of a clown, and loosen up.

I've definitely loosened up over the last year. But you know at the end of the day, I make all the money and have to be more of the "adult" in the relationship. I find it difficult wearing both hats.

OP posts:
FitAndFlare · 30/08/2024 17:00

And apologies OP, I haven't really answered your post. If your wife genuinely had issues with your personality, and believed she could change your character, then she is the fool here, not you.

I think one can change in some respects.. e.g. if you needed more confidence to break out of your shell, then perhaps that's something that could be changed. But fundamentally, your personality is you and that's what she fell in love with. It's her issue if she had visions of a different 'you'.

SilenceInside · 30/08/2024 17:00

What do you mean by "make all the money" - does your wife not work at all? Why does earning the money mean you have to be more "adult"?

Original poster
DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 17:06

SilenceInside · 30/08/2024 17:00

What do you mean by "make all the money" - does your wife not work at all? Why does earning the money mean you have to be more "adult"?

She works odd jobs (not going into the detail here).

My industry is somewhat volatile and getting more volatile.

'adult' > I'm not interwinding this with making money. But I'm labelled as boring because I want to deal with adult issues.

OP posts:
username44416 · 30/08/2024 17:08

DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 16:59

Ha yeah, she would probably wish I was a bit more of a clown, and loosen up.

I've definitely loosened up over the last year. But you know at the end of the day, I make all the money and have to be more of the "adult" in the relationship. I find it difficult wearing both hats.

Show quote history

Fundamentally she chose to marry you as you are, it's her problem that she saw you as a project. However, often in relationships we try to meet the other person half way.

I understand that you make money but I'm assuming that the deal was that she took care of the children and the house (and you). Her earning potential took a hit as well. So you've both made sacrifices for the family.

You obviously can't be the life and soul of the party if you're an introvert. However, you could probably make more of an effort to meet her needs.

I'm guessing that she wants more of a social life and she wants you to make more of an effort.

SilenceInside · 30/08/2024 17:08

What kind of adult issues? Do you mean large financial decisions, budgeting, pensions, that sort of thing?

Do you think your wife is immature and irresponsible?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/08/2024 17:09

DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 16:59

Ha yeah, she would probably wish I was a bit more of a clown, and loosen up.

I've definitely loosened up over the last year. But you know at the end of the day, I make all the money and have to be more of the "adult" in the relationship. I find it difficult wearing both hats.

Show quote history

What do you mean by being the adult? Do you do most of the parenting? The life admin?

Your wife was foolish to marry someone whose personality she wished was different.

Would you both consider couples counselling? It doesn't sound irreparable if you can both communicate honestly and find reasonable compromises.

Do you resent her for not working now that the children are a bit older? You've mentioned twice that you earn "all the money" - is that a burden you expected to have eased by now?

Original poster
DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 17:12

SilenceInside · 30/08/2024 17:08

What kind of adult issues? Do you mean large financial decisions, budgeting, pensions, that sort of thing?

Do you think your wife is immature and irresponsible?

No desire for long term planning.

Everything is boring, unless she thinks it's fun.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 30/08/2024 17:15

In some ways I think her expectations are unrealistic. You tick a lot of boxes for any marriage but she seems to only be looking at the ones you don’t tick.

That is her right but if that’s her only reason (that you aren’t loud and the joker in the party) then it’s a very poor reason to end a marriage.

Those loud mouths quite often lack in other ways (we all know one or two of them) they are usually just making up for their lack of character elsewhere! And are the opposite when home and not loud at all!

I guarantee if she goes she’ll be back soon enough. Don’t try to change something fundamental about yourself as that is an awful thing to ask someone when there is nothing wrong with them in the first place.

Tell your wife the grass is greener where you water it!

wizzywig · 30/08/2024 17:16

Maybe you should tell her that you're also rethinking the relationship and see what her reaction is. She may shit a brick as she didn't see you as being decisive. Or because the money that allows her to be more carefree could be reducing. Or she may be ok with it.

Original poster
DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 17:18

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/08/2024 17:09

What do you mean by being the adult? Do you do most of the parenting? The life admin?

Your wife was foolish to marry someone whose personality she wished was different.

Would you both consider couples counselling? It doesn't sound irreparable if you can both communicate honestly and find reasonable compromises.

Do you resent her for not working now that the children are a bit older? You've mentioned twice that you earn "all the money" - is that a burden you expected to have eased by now?

Show quote history

I don't want to get into too much more detail on a public forum. Ping me personally if your so inclined.

Yes having a bigger social circle I think would make a big difference so she wouldn't need to rely on me for everything.

I was trying to understand how much of a drastic impact premenopause would have on someone's mood and behaviour.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 30/08/2024 17:19

The way you keep saying "I make all the money" is massively off putting. It doesn't take into account the value of her contribution in the home and with the kids, all the challenges for women with kids to maintain their income etc. But even leaving all that aside, "I make the money" isn't a get out of jail free card or free pass which means she has to be happy to spend the rest of her life with you.

Like PP, I feel you are being a bit obtuse here with this "I don't know what she wants". You say she wants you to be more social. When did you last suggest you throw a party or have friends round for dinner or go out with friends? When did you last suggest (or better yet, arrange tickets to and babysitting for) a concert/play/movie you think she'd like? Do you go to school events like sports days and chat to the other parents?

Above all, if you both want your marriage to work, why not try counselling?

JaxiiTaxii · 30/08/2024 17:19

Nobody can or should change anyone else, if you're marrying someone with the intent of moulding them into who you want them to be you're onto a loser straight away.
If she wants entertaining, that's what friends are got, it's not your job.

However.

Your replies are all a bit 'im slim and handsome and earn money and I'm normal at parties' so what ARE your weaknesses?

Are you a mardy arse? Do you walk around with a cloud around you when works a bit shit & huff a lot? Because that can be seriously wearing.

Original poster
DadDadLDN · 30/08/2024 17:21

wizzywig · 30/08/2024 17:16

Maybe you should tell her that you're also rethinking the relationship and see what her reaction is. She may shit a brick as she didn't see you as being decisive. Or because the money that allows her to be more carefree could be reducing. Or she may be ok with it.

I have, there is just a blank stare and not much interest to try much more.

Days go by and then the daily routine is back, like she doesn't want to face the situation.

OP posts:
NewlifeTry · 30/08/2024 17:23

I make all the money
I help around the house

@DadDadLDN is there any possibility that at home you’re a lazy bore? You haven’t really given any detail or said what the problem actually is.
Do you spend your evenings on your phone, or sat on the computer/console/tv?
Do you ever suggest going out, plan and organise a holiday, sort out gifts and dinner invites? Communicate, chat, laugh, share, go to the cinema?
How much initiative do you show?

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