Changing your husband ?

[DadDadLDN]

Husband here looking to understand a wife's perspective.

Essentially my wife admitted that she thought she could change me. 10 years on she has lost complete interest me and thinks she failed. We've had challenges like any marriage, but I've always made all the money, I can fix anything at home, I am fit (I am on the same belt hole I had when I was 20) good looking (she's seen people checking me out). Could I be more exciting? Maybe? But I don't play video games and sit around wasting time.

Struggles > We don't have a very big social circle, I also think she's pre menopause.

What is my question? I've tried for 1.5 years to turn things around but nothing seems to make a difference. Is this going to be a pre menopause thing or should I just move on?

We have kids in the 10s.

With regard to peri-menopause, yes it can affect mood.

Any change in hormones can affect mood, for good or ill.

However, in my experience, peri-meonpause reduces the 'caring' hormones that have made the woman spend the last 30 years putting other people first and herself last and looking after everyone, and so they become more like men in so much as they stop being as 'caring'. And that is sometimes combined with resentment when they realise they've put everyone first for the last xx years, and have missed out on opportunities as a result.

I have a friend who really went off the deep end as she realised, in her late 40s that putting her husband and family first (not following a career she wanted; spending much of her time cooking and cleaning and giving people lifts) meant she hadn't achieved many of her life goals, wasn't individually solvent, had become 'less than' in her husband's and others' eyes, and it was becoming too late to do anything about it.

So maybe your wife's mood has changed, but maybe she's now seeing things more realistically. Maybe she's realised a lot of life has passed her by. Maybe she's realised her caring efforts haven't been appreciated. Maybe she wants more fun and to feel important and interesting.

Maybe she's just bored.

Always doing the same thing. DH coming home tired after work and just wanting to watch the TV.

A bit stuck in a rut and doesn't know how to change things, she tries to talk to DH but he just replies 'but I need to earn money and maybe it's your hormones'.....

If you don't give us the nitty gritty we're just guessing in the dark.

Thanks, yeah I'll see if she might want to attempt counselling, I've brought it up in the past and she hated the idea of it.

Yeah there are definitely some people projecting "their" feelings 😄

No @DadDadLDN there’s no need to use minimising or denigrating language because you do t like what you hear, people who are trying to help can only guess at what’s been going on.
I think you’re here to have your view confirmed, rather than to actually get to the bottom of the problem.

It sounds like your wife wants change but doesn’t think she has to be part of the change. Pointing the finger is easy. You need a professional to help you break down and support you in resolving your issues. This could also be the safe space to air your grievances about your relationship dynamic because it sounds like you’d prefer her to be responsibility wise, more of an adult.

I'm not sure what people find so confusing about OP's posts. I suspect his terrible word choice re: "helping out round the house" got people's backs up and derailed the thread.

The problem seems pretty straightforward. OP is an introvert who aims to be, and thinks of himself as, the sensible responsible adult in the room (with a hefty dose of traditional male provider stuff going on too). OP's wife wants fun, spontaneity and more socialising. He can't provide that himself and their social circle isn't big enough for his wife to find that energy with friends instead.

Ultimately the biggest question is why she married him thinking she could change one of his fundamental character traits. She's an idiot for that and is now reaping what she sowed. I don't think OP should have to change anything fundamental about who he is. Frankly if my partner turned round after years of marriage and told me he was only with me because he was hoping he could turn me into a different person, and he didn't like who I actually was, that would instantly be the end of the relationship.

Also if his wife wanted fun socialising times what was stopping her from making her own friends? Like her choice of husband, that was within her control.

Why did you even get married when she openly admitted she wanted to change you into the person she wants you to be?

She should be accepting you as you are and if she can't (which she can't if she wants to change you) then you're not the right man for her and she's not the right woman for you.

Trying to be somebody you're not to please somebody else will never work in the long term. Menopause or not.

Extrovert thought they could make an introvert turn into an extrovert. Tale as old as time. "This is who I am, I am happy, there is nothing wrong how I am, if I don't make you happy then we should split."

If you had actual flaws I'd say work on them, but you're just different people and she thought she could make you be like her.

@Borninabarn32 👌

I have a dear friend who is also trying to “change” her husband in the same way- she wishes he would be more extroverted and more the life of the party… I think it’s unfair and foolish, that’s core to who you are, she has to accept your personality or she should have married someone else?
I think who earns the money is irrelevant but telling your partner they are too boring is relative and stupid and pretty mean.

Whatever the cause, you are both on different pages and don't appear particularly compatible.

You have not exactly been completely honest either and that comes across as minimising your wife's contribution, you say you bring in all the money yet she works too.

I wonder if you're a little stuck in your ways with an old fashioned idea of what a wife is.

It comes across like you don't particularly like or respect each other. What is there to save apart from the inconvenience of splitting up?