Changing your husband ?

[DadDadLDN]

Husband here looking to understand a wife's perspective.

Essentially my wife admitted that she thought she could change me. 10 years on she has lost complete interest me and thinks she failed. We've had challenges like any marriage, but I've always made all the money, I can fix anything at home, I am fit (I am on the same belt hole I had when I was 20) good looking (she's seen people checking me out). Could I be more exciting? Maybe? But I don't play video games and sit around wasting time.

Struggles > We don't have a very big social circle, I also think she's pre menopause.

What is my question? I've tried for 1.5 years to turn things around but nothing seems to make a difference. Is this going to be a pre menopause thing or should I just move on?

We have kids in the 10s.

What long term planning do you want to do? If she's not bothered then presumably she'll go along with what you've planned?

"Everything's boring unless it's fun" I don't know how to unpack what this means. Do you suggest activities and she says no? Or complain when you're doing an activity that you've chosen? Can you give an example of an activity you want to do that she says is boring, and something that she wants to do that she considers fun?

What does she do with the children - does she plan for them and is she involved with them?

It honestly feels like neither of you like or respect the other.

Did she start criticising you suddenly or has this been going on for a while?

I was trying to understand how much of a drastic impact premenopause would have on someone's mood and behaviour.

That would depend on the individual. Sometimes perimenopause has a drastic effect and sometimes very little. What many women experience though is less tolerance for bs. If she's really being effected eg mood swings, anxiety, insomnia etc then perhaps a trip to the Dr would be good.

Also, was it a joint agreement that you work full time and she doesn't? Presumably that was to facilitate having children?

Yes to @SilenceInside , despite quite a few posts we don’t have a better understanding of the problem. Maybe there’s a communication issue between you both

It's not her hormones it's you.
You're clearly incompatible, you could try marriage counselling, but sounds like your personalities are just too different, and what you both want out of life is too different.

Tbh the way you sound, I think you want to change the wife. Open to correction if not true

I was bore in the past... Worked full time ran side business... Then COVID hit, work went crazy couldn't do anything.

Since then I've tried to be more exciting and plan things. But the reception is always luke warm.

I don't, I'm trying to do everything to keep her.

She sounds unrealistic and unfair. You can't expect someone to become a massive extrovert if they're not. She shouldn't have married you if she didn't want who you are!
There are flip sides to every personality trait.
That guy who turns heads at parties and does wild spontaneous things is probably also the one likely to not want to face the boring adult things or fob the responsibility off onto someone else.

If you're happy in company but not craving lots of social occasions then you're likely to be able to be content with a wide range of life outcomes and make the best of it... Sounds like her idea of a good life is much more narrow and defined by a specific idea of fun. To the extent she's happy to conveniently ignore all the positives to your character and what you bring to the table. Good couples appreciate each others differences and balance each other out... Sounds like she wants a partner in crime (not literally) not a life partner.

I know people like this, restless, never happy unless something exciting is going on. They can't take pleasure in the bread and butter stuff, the stuff that keeps the wheels on... So they blow up their lives at regular intervals and wonder why they're running out of options when retirement looms and they are still renting and no one in their life has been there longer than ten years.

But you can't make a partnership work unless you both want to and sounds like she's checked out. 😔

Sorry there is only so much detail I'm going put on a public forum.

What have you initiated that she's been lukewarm to?

Then people can only give minimal advice. Is your wife a Mumsnet user?

Can people change? Absolutely! But they have to want to change. Do you want to change or are you just after reassurance that you are in fact great?

You’ve been very vague about what she wants to change. It’s much easier to change actions rather than personality. Tell us more!

Other than you think you are a bit of a catch, the only thing that catches my eye is you “help”
a round the house - which sounds like you thinks it’s her responsibility.

I think this is a fake goady post but I'll bite
It's you that's the problem not your wife.
You seem full of yourself and wanting to blame her hormones as a 'get out clause'
The statement that you "earn all the money" devalues her contribution with the kids and life admin.
It's not helping at home- it's doing your equal share.
People check you out? ... Yeah right they do.

The menopause is different for different women. Some sail through it and some struggle in different ways so it’s impossible to generalize. What is striking is how you talk about yourself - that you’re fit, good looking, you ‘help’ around the house, you earn the money, you’re the adult, etc. When you talk about her you talk about her ‘odd jobs’, her frustration, her extraversion, her lack of planning - it sounds like you’re describing a 4 year old.

It sounds like you don’t take her seriously or respect her. Even now you’re suggesting that the route of the issue might be the menopause - her ‘wimmin’s problems’. The menopause can be tough but it doesn’t cause a personality transplant.

Maybe you’re just no longer compatible.

Agreed.

You say she believes you boring. But it reads like she's desperate not to be treated as some kind of fly by night by a partner who doesn't take her seriously.

You make money and presumably handle things like the mortgage deal and insurances etc... but how much involvement to you have in the absolutely endless constant decisions about parenting (medical, educational, approach, managing clubs, friendships, their emotional health)? Do you treat that work as equally significant to yours?

But if she truly thought you would "come out of your shell" with her as a partner then that's deluded and she's only got herself to blame really. Nobody's personality fundamentally shift.

Has someone caught her eye?

Reading your updates... honestly, your wife sounds awful to me.

It was also bloody terrible of her to marry you thinking she could change you into someone else. If I were you, I'd leave her. It sounds to me like your marriage is dead and she just hasn't got the guts to be the one to end it.

I'm three quarters of the way down op, and you're not coming across well. Your thought process seems to be 'what is wrong with her', here's a list of all the things I'm wonderful at.

It's not clear what the actual problem is.
I can't believe she just wants you to be more socialable.

What is her life like ? Do you take her seriously when she says she wants to do or change something ?

You’re still not saying what exactly it is she wants you to do. She’s presumably told you? So, what is it?

Honestly, between your reluctance to state what it is she actually wants and you repeatedly stating that you ‘earn all the money’ and perimenopause, it’s coming across like you’re disregarding this woman.

Do you think you'd benefit from couples therapy? And could you accept if the outcome of that was that you realised your relationship had run its course?

It would be extremely easy to answer those questions without going into detail or disclosing anything personal.

From what she's saying she wasn't that happy with you to begin with and her feelings haven't changed. I don't think it would matter how many hoops you tried to jump through, you're just not right for her and she should have been honest about that before she married you.

I'd stop putting the work in now to be honest, maybe you've been trying too hard and she'll get more interested if you back off a bit? Whatever the case it's not appreciated so there's no point. Do what's right for you and stay for the kids if you want or end things and move on.