Changing your husband ?

[DadDadLDN]

Husband here looking to understand a wife's perspective.

Essentially my wife admitted that she thought she could change me. 10 years on she has lost complete interest me and thinks she failed. We've had challenges like any marriage, but I've always made all the money, I can fix anything at home, I am fit (I am on the same belt hole I had when I was 20) good looking (she's seen people checking me out). Could I be more exciting? Maybe? But I don't play video games and sit around wasting time.

Struggles > We don't have a very big social circle, I also think she's pre menopause.

What is my question? I've tried for 1.5 years to turn things around but nothing seems to make a difference. Is this going to be a pre menopause thing or should I just move on?

We have kids in the 10s.

With respect OP, if you answer your wife in this same slightly pompous way while saying not too much useful, I can see why she has switched off.

Does she suggest fun things that you put a dampener on by being all ‘this is not in the forward plan’ ? Has she got fed up with long winded ‘no’ when she wants to do some fun things?

Could you help us by telling us what she has asked you to change. What things you have tried already etc? There must be some things you can tell us after 18 months of trying? Otherwise it sounds like you want us all to say, ‘yes if you are well off and fit and always getting the glad eye from women you should leave your ungrateful menopausal wife’. Which on MN, is obviously never going to happen.

Also, do you do your share of family admin?

Are you Colin Robinson?

'With respect OP, if you answer your wife in this same slightly pompous way while saying not too much useful, I can see why she has switched off. '

Absolutely this. I got the ick just reading his answers let alone being in the same room.

Your incorrect, I've scoured the internet to understand relationships dynamics. Spoken to her many times.

I'm not full of my self but I know my value.

I said I make "all the money" so people understand the dynamics I am not devaluing her contribution at all. I'm not a bum, I can provide for the family on a single income. How many people have that today in LDN?

"Doing my equal share" this is where a I lose it. There are only so many hours in the day. So yeah I can work 10 hrs a day plus commute and then do 50% of the house work, and do the DIY things and do the long term planning and be fully engaged when I'm doing all this and be funny and be more "loose". While the other half only works a couple days a week in low stress job.

Anyways the responses have been interesting and appreciate them.

Yup you'd probably give me the ick as well 👍

I’m really sorry op but your reluctance of inability to explain what’s going on makes it really hard for anyone to help.

So you don't make "all the money". Your partner also brings in an income two days a week and handles all the parenting.

This dynamic clearly doesn't work for both of you. If it has ended up like this accidentally rather than as a life plan she endorsed (what did her work life look like before children?) she's probably absolutely dying of boredom and feels completely invisible.

This isn't the menopause, but I now agree with others that you bringing it up feels dismissive.

How do you feel about separating? Are you devastated at the idea? Or is it an inconvenience as you'd have to work out how to have sole responsibility for your DC 50 per cent of the week?

Attend couples counselling. Really listen to everything she's saying about her life and your family from her perspective. Then you can decide if you want to proceed.

I reckon a lot of people living in London have fairly traditional relationship set ups where the husband works and the wife works part time or not at all. Particularly amongst the very wealthy end of that spectrum.

You seem to very much resent your wife only working part time in what you regard as odd jobs. You haven't answered what the decision was between you about that. Was that part of the decision of having children?

If your wife was working full time, you would need to pay for childcare probably before and after school, and on the days she works. And obviously they would be with childcare workers instead of their mum. And also likely pay for help around the home like a cleaner.

Yeah I get it 👍 I just don't want to get into the nitty gritty on the open forum.

Another point: you said you've been trying to turn things around for 1.5 years. What things have you done? What things has she asked for?

You're making her sound very unreasonable OP. If she expects you to work full time and do 50% housework while she only works part time then that isn't fair.

It's very difficult to make out what she wants but it seems as though she's bored and the marriage is in a rut.

I suggest organising childcare and planning some events: city break, restaurant, gig, pub, cinema, theatre whatever she's interested in.

Showing an interest by making conversation, increasing intimacy with massage, handholding, running her a bath. Planning and cooking a meal with a nice bottle of wine.
Organising a BBQ or dinner party for friends or relatives and so on.

If you don't detail the nitty gritty then you can't be given relevant advice.

You have a very high opinion of yourself and it sounds like quite a low one of your wife which sounds very unequal (and not very attractive).

Without the fine detail who knows the truth of the matter.

I think posters are being a bit harsh here. If what you say is honest it very well could be hormonal.

so many of us REALLY struggle mentally with it all, it can totally blow your life to pieces.

I think if you went to counselling and suggested this could be part of the problem I don’t think that you’d be too wide off the mark

I think I'd be pretty unimpressed if my partner suggested that relationship issues were due to being "pre menopausal" tbh.

How old is your wife even? 40s?

Introverts can totally be the life and soul of the party!

It just leaves us feeling drained afterwards rather than energised.

Are you American?

I think you’re getting a hard time here. To step into the lion’s den (Mumsnet) was an interesting move but I suppose it’s coming from a place of wanting a woman’s perspective.
It struck me that you work long hours, have a long commute etc. How is the financial situation for you? Could you work less hours or work from home? Because how are you supposed to make your wife laugh and smile and enjoy time with you when you don’t seem to have much/ any quality time? It’s not all about money you know (for most!). I would love for my DH to work less but he does love it and it suits our circumstances currently.

I think you have been influenced by that Andrew Tate man by the sound of you ,what's all this knowing your worth stuff,? It's your attitude that's turning your wife off ,she's bored of your pomposity but feel free to actually say what she's really fed up of if you can stop bumming yourself up that is.

Is she on here, and you are hoping she will read this, but you don’t want to out her with too many details because that would simply not be very nice?

Here is an example of you taking yourself too seriously and coming out with the classic playground ‘I know you are but what am I’ in response. Not making a good impression here despite your money and good looks.

You came on a women’s forum, presumably for some honest answers/advice, and when someone suggests that you aren’t coming across well you don’t think to ask for examples or explanations. Because you already think you’re right and your wife is wrong. Do you respond like this to your wife?

You ask for help then tell women to ‘ping you’ for more information as if you’re in some executive Teams meeting calling all the shots.

Presumably your wife married you before you were this big shot important job exec? Has it changed you for the worse? Do you bring your work attitude into the home? Has it made you more arrogant and dismissive of the work she has done raising your DC?

Agree with PP, could you cut down hours and have more family time? You may have to do this anyway if you split up and have 50:50 custody.

I realised in my 20’s that if you want a stable man, who offers commitment and security he won’t be “exciting”. If you want someone full of fun and exciting you can expect that “excitement” to involve unpaid bills and possibly repossession.

honestly your wife sounds a wee bit immature.

This is certainly not true. Not of all men.

The 3 most fun men I know work hard, always have, and fully own their own homes.

The 'odd jobs' have changed in to a part time 'low stress' role.
'The other half only works a couple of days a week in a low stress job'
That's her rubbished, then.

I too have the ick. Mind you, I'd have the ick with any guy hanging about on Mumsnet.

Yeah same here, and one of them is my dh of 28 yrs. I always find it odd when people are so sure that all men are just like the men they’ve met in their life.