Live alone or become a stepmum

[fourdoorsdown]

Been with my boyfriend for years now, we are both in our mid 40s, I am childless and he has an 8 YO DD who he has half the week. I see him a couple of times a week and I have always been indecisive about living together, which he would like although he is not naive that it won't come with challenges, so he understands my reticence and hasn't insisted. I like his DD but reality sort of set in and now I am fearful of regretting such a commitment. Kids live at home longer nowadays and I am basically signing up to maybe ca. 18+ years of having to share my home (which i view as sanctuary plus I WFH a lot), with his DD. It could be a nightmare, especially school holidays. I need to decide whether to move in together and pool our assets. He has a small flat so we'd need to get somewhere bigger but the most we can afford is a small 3 bed flat... Should I bring our lives together, or, live alone indefinitely, or, end it and be single. I love him and always imagined getting married and living with a husband. I feel like if it doesn't work out living together our relationship may be over too. Looking for advice from stepparents I guess or partners of stepparents. AIBU to fear living with stepD?

I.live alone and do not have children. I totally understand your reticence.

Just live apart for a bit longer it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for that step yet at all.

I’ve been with my DP for five years - we both have children from previous marriages and living together just wouldn’t work for us right now.
I honestly think I have the best of both worlds. I’m in a great relationship, we’re both completely committed to each other and see each other once or twice a week. I stay over when my kids are at their Dad’s which is usually every other weekend.
We also both get to keep our independence and own space without feeling like we are step parents to each others children.
Ultimately you have to find a solution to at works best for you all but there’s nothing wrong with living apart and still managing to have a fulfilling relationship

I would neither dump him or live with him. Assuming you love each other & are happy with the current arrangement, of course. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it!

I would absolutely live alone. But, I would never want to live with another person if my current relationship ends. Fuck that.

I would stay living separately. Perhaps you could both move closer to each other but the potential of untangling from eachother once involved and what happens if you don't work out.

There is a thread running at the moment of someone who moved their bf in , he moved areas, jobs etc and now she massively regrets having him there in her space al the time.

I think you have the holy grail right now, your own space, a partner to do things with at the weekend, a child in your life tha you can enjoy but give back, I wouldn't want to mess with that if having my own space was a priority

I think you'd need to spend some serious time together before you make any such commitment together. Stay at his when he has his DD or have them both over at yours. And do this a lot before you sell homes and purchase together.

It could be very challenging (well of course, there will be challenges because family life always has challenges) BUT it could also be the most wonderful thing! His DD could bring light and love into your life that you may never have imagined before. There could be an awful lot to gain OP.
Edit to say my DH is stepdad to my DS and he loves him like his own.

why do you say you wouldn't want to live with another person if your relationship ends PP? Thx

It sounds like you have a good balance right now. Time together, and independence.

I love my own children, but other people’s children have a way of irritating me after a while, even the loveliest of them! The idea of having to share my space with them 24hrs a day, makes me want to run and hide.

Combining assets seems like a better deal for him than for you.

I’d stick with your current situation (and I say that as a full time step parent).

I guess I feel like Bridget Jones, mid 40s, live alone, unmarried. I always hoped to get married. My family hoped this for me too. But idea of living with a SD in a small place I also have to work from and be able to relax in (as lovely as she is) gives me anxiety though. But I am a bit of an anxious person.

Live alone. The alternative will be a ball/head ache

approximately what age are you PP? Are you female? Just curious as I feel like a social anomaly when nearly all my friends are married with kids or at least married and living with husband. I wonder if we will ever be able to live together and get married because DD will likely be living at home until her mid/late 20s as renting/buying will be expensive.
I guess I am a bit disappointed that my life isn't the way I expected but I know there are far worse problems and I am lucky in many ways. But now I am getting older, I worry about getting old and who will be there for me if I am unwell. I don't live near family and no friends in walking distance.

I have two children with my late ex-husband. Last year I married the loveliest man ever (together for 10 years now). We don’t live together yet, I’m planning to move in with him when they both finished their education (5 years).

We never had plans on living together as a family. I think it’s less romantic than you might think. I would stay where you are!

Why would you? You'll end up having to share your space and make compromises. What role will you be expected to take? In my experience men don't want partners they want a mum who they can shag. They want someone to lessen their workload. It's not about working as a team. It's about reducing their load. Unless it's truly a 50:50 relationship I wouldn't want it. I don't want to look after anyone else. Not a man. Not a step child.

I'd happily meet a man, spend time with them and enjoy their company. If they will fuck off home do their own life admin, laundry, cooking, cleaning, ect ect I'm sick of doing it all for no appreciation and I wouldn't do it again. Not ever.

There’s no need to decide now surely?

If you stay where you are for now the option to move in together will still be there if you decide later that you really do want to go for it but if you rush into moving in together now and regret it then moving back out will be a pita

You might find that as his daughter gets older living with her will be less intimidating or one or both off you might end up in a better position financially and you’ll be able to afford somewhere you can live together and still have your own space or you might might realise you don’t actually want to live with them and be glad you didn’t rush into it. Who knows what the future might bring!

No I’d hold back. Keep your space and quiet for now.
It’s not forever if it does work out, you can still stay over, go on holiday.
You might change your mind again when SD is a teenager, they aren’t all awful, lots of them are good company by then. Just now you would end up taking on a caring role and personally I wouldn’t do that, she’s far from independent and if you WFH it’s guaranteed somehow it will affect you.
Also I think it’s a good choice for the SD. She gets to see her dad hopefully in a happy independent relationship but he still does his parental duties himself.

.OP u asked my age? Im female and 54. I.have a friend near but mynotger two friends live at a distance but I understand what you mean.about who will look out for you. Having children is no guarantee. Never really thought I'd get married. Had two relationships but never lived with someone. Like my.own.company and the thrill.of going to them.or them.coming to me- usually judy weekends.Been.single now for nearly 3 years. Think it unlikely I'll.ever live with someone.

I hate to say it, but if your friends are also around their mid 40s you'll find an epidemic of divorce will break out in your group fairly soon, and you'll have plenty of single mates to hang out with. Late 40s seems to be the peak 'I can't stand this anymore' stage.

I would definitely live alone. As others have said.

If you only see him twice a week, you’re not sufficiently integrated into his life to be able to gauge what living together might be like. Even more so if you mostly see him when his daughter is not around. It seems a bit too early to think about living together if you’ve not reached that stage where you’re regularly spending time together with him and his daughter. Try it for a couple of weeks and you’ll have a better idea. Have you gone on holidays together or spent extended periods of time? It will be a lot for his daughter to adjust to too, even if you’ve been with him for years.

It will be a lot for his daughter to adjust to too, even if you’ve been with him for years.

100% this. I was with my DP for years. Him and dd got on amazingly, he's come round for dinners, we'd all go to cinema/bowling/days out, he'd have the odd "sleepover", 3 or 4 long weekends away together.

However, when it was becoming regular prolonged periods my Dd was much less keen, rebelled a bit and then didn't want him around at all.

Appreciate you're asking what would be best for you rather than focussing on his dd (and rightly so to out yourself first in your own decisions - not a criticism at all). However the bit I wanted to highlight was the knock on impact this had on my relationship with my DP.
He felt pushed out, Dd wasn't happy, I was caught in the middle. Was a massive strain on the relationship with DP.

It's now looking likely that I'll need to end it soon and we're both heartbroken.

If you don't want to give it a go maybe do a trial period first where you still have your own flat as a fall back? Don't end up trapped in it

I'm a single parent myself and I wouldn't even move next door to a man raising children, never mind moving in with him. Ienjoy my freedom too much for that foolishness.

In the end OP, most parents will put their child's needs first (rightly) which means you will come second for the next 15 years.

That's ok if you can retreat to your own home and achieve a balance but it can be very difficult if you are stuck in this situation 24/7.

I'd stay living separately and enjoy your independence.

In my experience, a live-in relationship in a small home isn't fun - with a step-child as well, it's much much worse (and I have been that unhappy step-child).

I know there's pressure to be normal and married, but it really doesn't have to be that way to be happy. As a PP said, a lot of your 40-something friends will soon be getting divorced (guaranteed).

In your shoes, I'd stick with the current non-live-in situation and be happy with that.

@fourdoorsdown But now I am getting older, I worry about getting old and who will be there for me if I am unwell. I don't live near family and no friends in walking distance.

This worry is irrelevant to the situation. The best thing you can do is ensure you make financial provision for your old age. You are the only one responsible for that.