Live alone or become a stepmum

[fourdoorsdown]

Been with my boyfriend for years now, we are both in our mid 40s, I am childless and he has an 8 YO DD who he has half the week. I see him a couple of times a week and I have always been indecisive about living together, which he would like although he is not naive that it won't come with challenges, so he understands my reticence and hasn't insisted. I like his DD but reality sort of set in and now I am fearful of regretting such a commitment. Kids live at home longer nowadays and I am basically signing up to maybe ca. 18+ years of having to share my home (which i view as sanctuary plus I WFH a lot), with his DD. It could be a nightmare, especially school holidays. I need to decide whether to move in together and pool our assets. He has a small flat so we'd need to get somewhere bigger but the most we can afford is a small 3 bed flat... Should I bring our lives together, or, live alone indefinitely, or, end it and be single. I love him and always imagined getting married and living with a husband. I feel like if it doesn't work out living together our relationship may be over too. Looking for advice from stepparents I guess or partners of stepparents. AIBU to fear living with stepD?

Maybe not possible in your situation but I wonder why can't the other parent look after them if they are sick/upset? Children should be prioritised but parents are also entitled to a life and a functional adult relationship right? Unless the child is at risk then the parent also needs to have boundaries for their own wellbeing and the child needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around them, that it's not all about what the child wants to do? I know I am not a parent but that seems right to me.

@fourdoorsdown the only thing I would say is that it would really put a strain on your relationship down the line if you objected to your partners dd staying over more. It’s a very possible reality I am afraid. If you are not completely head over heels with your dp then I would end things and find someone that doesn’t have children as you are not used to family life and don’t seem to want to adapt to it, both of these things are ok and your own personal choice. I think part of this stems from not having the empathy as you are not a parent. When I was looking for a partner, my criteria family wise was they had kids but did not want anymore lol! The reason for this is I knew a good dad would understand when I needed to drop everything for my dc or have empathy if I was upset about something that involved my dc. I do understand your position but it seems you have a rigid approach and are not able to adapt. This may be due to the anxiety you mention as I think you like a routine and a set plan - with kids sometimes you just have to go with it!

so drop everything, even if they have another parent they can go to? I think unless there is an emergency then the child needs to understand that their parents have a life too and it can't always be about what the child wants. That doesn't seem healthy to me. For example, if my friend has plans with her friends she's not going to stay home just because one of the kids wants her to when her husband is there.

If I was physically out of the country or away, obviously that’s different as it would be an empty house and would be rare, a few times a year max. But even then once she is older the door would always be open and she could go to our house while we’re away if she wanted to.

If you’re home and there, I’d never turn my child away. If I had cinema plans for example I’d still go to them, but that wouldn’t be a reason for her not to be at our house afterwards/that night.

That is called being a parent. Being out for a few hours for plans is different to “you can’t come to your own house this weekend/day”

Yes!

You’re clearly not going to understand this OP and that’s fine, it’s not the relationship for you. But if your child needs/wants you, even if they have somewhere else to to, they are priority. Always.

It isn’t just going to be your home, it’s also her home, that means door is always open. If you cannot accept that then you can’t move in, and you need to re-evaluate your relationship

I think it's easy to think this way if they're your own children but easy to get resentful if they're not your children. I can imagine I would try to set boundaries and ask my BF to respect those. Otherwise I imagine I'd get resentful. But I think it would likely cause problems with BF as another PP says e.g. if she wanted to live more with us than her mum and I didn't want that.

I suppose I can't understand that. I imagine if I was a parent and this happened I would say "I have plans this weekend but you're with your mum/dad and she will look after you". But perhaps I can't imagine being a parent. I love my young nieces and nephews, they're the closest I have to children. But still, i can't imagine dropping everything and everyone for some trivial reason when they are being looked after by another parent. Unless it was emergency of course.

OP - I mean this as gently as possible - you are forgetting that whilst she's not your child, she is his.

If he is any kind of decent parent he is not going to agree to the "boundaries" you want - because they mean putting his still young child second, which is not what a decent parent does.

Do you honestly expect him to say no, if she wants to live with him full time in the future? What happens if the situation is more serious and her Mum becomes ill or dies?

You are viewing her as a temporary guest when in fact she is a permanent part of his life - your partner comes as a package deal. The reality of that package deal is that she will - and rightly so - have as much right to treat her Dad's place as home, as you do. Expecting her to use headphones, or move out when she's 18 (have you been on a desert island and missed the state of the housing market recently?!) is totally unrealistic.

It's absolutely fine to say it's not for you - I don't have kids so it sure as hell wouldn't be for me! But it's not fine to try and tweak the situation to get it to work for what you want, at her expense.

Like other pp, I think the world of my own children. But other people's can irritate me quite quickly. If you you want to live with someone, choose a partner without children would be my advice. Or carry on as you are.

But she IS his own child.

If I were to find myself single now with my child any partner who’s “boundaries” involved me needing to turn my child away, would not be my partner anymore.

You want someone single with no kids, go find that

All of my gut instinct says don't move in together. Keep your own place/ space - and separate finances. Kids get ever more expensive and you might feel a bit resentful.

it can't always be about what the child wants. That doesn't seem healthy to me.

It's not about what the child wants. No one can always have what they want and they'd be a brat if they got it.

(if I phrased that more neatly, it would be a Rolling Stones song...)

But it is always, always about what the child needs, @fourdoorsdown .

When Dc had a mental health crash because of things at uni and needed to come home, off I went. When things were going tits up with his mother's new husband*, my nephew rang in distress and his father dropped everything. It's been illness, mental health issues, bullying, relationship problems, eating disorder, getting in with 'the wrong crowd' etc etc - a million piossible reasons, but the upshot is the child needed their parent.

Children need their parents at inconvenient times. The resident parent isn't the only one to have to do this, both parents have to step up equally.

If it's inconvenient for a partner they are living with, too bad. That's what you sign up for when you live with someone and their child.

*she split up with him because they couldn't agree about how go treat her children

I would cut my losses with this relationship ,go and be free to find someone else with older kids or none.Parenting is a life commitment and I think there will always be moments down the line where yours and your partners priorities will clash,which in turn may lead to resentment between you. Do what's right for you both .

If her mum became ill or died I would not hesitate to step in as a proper full time step mum. My heart would break for her in that situation and I'd do everything I could to help. So I suppose it must also be about not wanting to have his DD living with us at our home more than she is living with her own mum, if her own mum is alive and well. I would just want the living arrangements to be fair on me since I would not be her mum and it's a lot to take on someone else's kid.

A man is not a fixer-upper you would love to live with him if if if things were different and he didn’t have a child. That means you want someone just like him who is not him. That is only possible if you let go of half the fantasy: accept life with him dd and all (and all those risks and debits and compromises) or strike out in your own and look for that perfect guy who is just like him, has no baggage, and will join assets and cook dinner.

But where is she in all of this? Your post is about you. Which is fine. But that's the problem. She's a child. She will want to see her Dad. She may even want to increase the time she spends with him as she gets older, or live with him full time. What's "fair" to you wont' really come into it, as he's her Dad so his primary responsibility is to her. her well-being and her happiness.

Her Mum being alive or not is not the issue - the issue is being able to accept and accommodate that this child will be in your life and sharing your home, and that a significant number of decisions that you are your partner take are going to be impacted by her whether you like it or not.

Again, it's totally fine to say that it sounds like something you don't want to do. You need to be really clear that it would be wrong to try and progress your relationship with this man in the hope that his child remains well-behaved, biddable, quiet, considerate, a part-time visitor to your home rather than a permanent resident, and that she stops sleeping over on her 18th birthday!

One of the things that strikes me about your posts, is that you don't actually sound very invested in the relationship. You sound as if you are viewing it through the lens of being alone, wanting to find a suitable person to share your life with, and not wanting to age and/or be ill without someone to look after you.

All of which is totally valid and very practical. But you don't sound as if you really want to live with him specifically. It comes across that you like him, you have feelings for him and think you could have a good partnership - and that in the absence of any other candidates you want to try and make it work despite the fact he has a child.

I have a close friend who is a step-parent and she says it's the hardest thing she has ever done. And that if it wasn't for the fact that she loves her H so deeply, and was determined to make the relationship work because she couldn't imagine her life without him, that she's made the sacrifices that she has.

You already don’t want his daughter in your imaginary shared home and are counting down the years until she leaves.

It’s not really an option is it. So you are left with dating until she leaves home or finding a partner without a child.

I’m 56 a lot of my female friends are similar age. Menopausal women want to live alone. I love my husband and I love my kids but if my marriage broke down I would never live with a human being again. In fact I recommend cats. Or dogs. I definitely wouldn’t be living with a man and his child. Stay living apart and don’t get bogged down with the admin and mundane shit of living together.

OP I agree with you that there needs to be space to prioritise healthy relationship and it's not healthy when everything resolves around the kids, especially in blended families.

However, your partner do come as a package. If you like peace and quiet and already hoping his daughter will not be in your flat often then maybe it's not a relationship for you?

But i'd jump to the rescue in any of those situations. But I'd also want it broadly equal in terms of which parent is stepping up to those occasions while also being flexible about it. I am actually more talking about trivial things like "mum told me off/ won't let me do XYZ so i want to come to you this weekend" (when it's our weekend off) - I would resent that I think.

The language you use here is telling “suppose it must also be about not wanting to have his DD living with us at our home more than she is living with her own mum,” - it’s not our home it’s also HER HOME . It’s her home and good luck setting the boundary bonus music - it’s her home too

Your DP may have 50/50 custody but he is still 100% a dad and I think you have rose coloured glasses about how living with someone’s child will be.

Im a step mum and it’s mostly horrible - great kids- but I often feel I have no voice in my own home and my partner is 100% a Disney dad which is so hard to watch . Move closer to him and buy your own place so you have your own asset and see how things go in the future

Correction, I just don't want to have someone else's child living with me more often than she lives with her mum (while her mum is alive and well), taking on someone else's kid is hard and I won't be a mug about it. But true, I'd be hoping adult child moves out like I did at 18 to go to uni and then i got a job and lived with 4 other people in a bit of a crappy part of London because it's all I could afford. But I wanted to stand on my own two feet and be independent from my parents (who I love and who love me) and I did.

thank you for your first hand advice PP

You’re not understanding that it would be the child of the person you live with! This isn’t a random kid, it’s their child, and it wouldn’t be “living with you”, she’ll be living with her dad, in her own house.

Also, she will soon be old enough to decide where she wants to be. She might decide that actually dad lives closer to school, I can see my friends more easily, I want to stay there more. Her dad wouldn’t say no, her mum would probably be fine with that if easier & safer than her getting a bus home alone in the evening- that IS what life with a child looks like.