Live alone or become a stepmum

[fourdoorsdown]

Been with my boyfriend for years now, we are both in our mid 40s, I am childless and he has an 8 YO DD who he has half the week. I see him a couple of times a week and I have always been indecisive about living together, which he would like although he is not naive that it won't come with challenges, so he understands my reticence and hasn't insisted. I like his DD but reality sort of set in and now I am fearful of regretting such a commitment. Kids live at home longer nowadays and I am basically signing up to maybe ca. 18+ years of having to share my home (which i view as sanctuary plus I WFH a lot), with his DD. It could be a nightmare, especially school holidays. I need to decide whether to move in together and pool our assets. He has a small flat so we'd need to get somewhere bigger but the most we can afford is a small 3 bed flat... Should I bring our lives together, or, live alone indefinitely, or, end it and be single. I love him and always imagined getting married and living with a husband. I feel like if it doesn't work out living together our relationship may be over too. Looking for advice from stepparents I guess or partners of stepparents. AIBU to fear living with stepD?

If you don't currently own your home how difficult would it be to find somewhere of your own again if you were to give it a try living together and it doesn't work out? Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith with things - unless there's more to this than you've said then surely it's worth giving it a go living together because your concerns may not be realised. If you don't try it then you'll either keep wondering what it would be like living together or need to end the relationship if you ultimately want to get married. If living together doesn't work out surely it would be easier to end the relationship then, having tried to live together. If it does work then marriage becomes a more realistic possibility.

In terms of having your own space I would make the most of the time that you do have, and plan something for yourself in some of the times she's around eg could you do a gym class or something on a Sunday night when SD will be there. You may well find that the reality isn't as bad as worrying about it.

Yes especially so in what will be a small flat or small house at best. Maybe I could tolerate it if we had a bigger house, decent size garden and I could have every Sunday off and every other Saturday. Or every other weekend off. But none of those things are options. I fear I am going to end up feeling claustrophobic when DD is there. I need space and I won't have it. I never had this feeling living with my ex or if I am just with my bf, as that feels cosy and tranquil, whereas I was never able to tolerate a flatmate for example, that made me feel extreme anxiety. Maybe a kid isn't comparable to a flat mate coming and going and bringing their friends and bfs over (I had this for years as couldn't afford to rent alone, it was a truly awful way to live, however nice flatmate was) so I worry I will struggle having a kid living i close confines with me, whatever age they are.

I’m really sorry to hear this. Do you really have to end it ? I’ve been in similar position with older DD so had to compartmentalise a bit and just be with Dp when my Dc are with their dad which is 50% of the time, the older the DD are, the worse they are in terms of being adament. And yes I feel stuck in middle though younger Dd so unbothered if Dp stays over ect. It is a bloody hard balancing act but you deserve something too so don’t forget that x

As a SP, I say live alone.

I would never do it again - it’s thankless and joyless

Another thing to consider is that right now he only has her those days/times, but actually that could easily change and as she gets older she might want to spend a lot more time with her dad/at her dad’s house. Just because it’s only those days now doesn’t mean it always will be.

this makes a lot of sense to me and sounds right. I will have a longer journey to work but I only go in 2 days (that could increase though if company demands) and I'd be further away from friends, but I can just make more effort to see them. I just don't feel exited to move in with him and his DD, I just feel stressed and a bit of dread. I am an anxious person though and my mind jumps to worst cases.

this also worries me and sounds like a real possibility. We would live closer to her school (and what will be her secondary school) and walking distance, than her mum would who is a bus ride away. I don't think I am tolerant enough of a person for this

Id also be aware that contact time could always increase, you don’t know what will happen in the future.
As someone who values their peace I would think hard about having whole weekends of SD and no break. My DD is older, very quiet and there are different rooms we can go into. I still love an empty house though

Yes PP, do you have to end it? You deserve something too - I know children have to be priority but why should you be miserable to make your DD happy. It sounds like she is being a bit selfish and I know kids are selfish, but kids should not rule their parents lives. Life is not always on their terms (exception being if child is at risk in anyway from a partner. Then the partner needs to go). Children need to learn that their parents are people too and have a right to a life, an identity, a functional adult relationship.

Combining assets seems like a better deal for him than for you.

Yes that absolutely right!

In that case your choice is made for you really, you can’t move in together

Yes I'd definitely want one weekend day off per week or every other whole weekend off. But i don't think my bf would agree to this. Also there is no guarantee contact time won't increase.

He can’t agree to his daughter never being there for a whole weekend and honestly if he did I’d see that as more of a red flag. I can’t imagine as a parent ever telling my child they couldn’t come to my home if they wanted to.

Here are a few real life scenarios my friends and family in blended relationships have had to deal with:

If, during the teen years and the (very common) stage of arguing with her mum, his daughter decided she wanted to live with her Dad and only see her mother on weekends, how would you feel?

She wants to play music loud, have her friends around on a weekend, which is a normal teenage thing to do, and a sleepover at least once a month. Does that work for you?

As soon as her father moves in, your flat or house becomes her home. Not a place she sometimes stays, her home for part of her life. Are you comfortable with her treating the place like somewhere she’s entitled to be? Can she browse the fridge and look for snacks, have a bath for an hour, fill cabinets with her stuff?

Who is responsible for cooking, cleaning, washing her clothes, picking her up from school if ill, looking after her on training days that fall during her time with her father? Especially if you WFH?

Is she welcome to stay until her mid twenties as she struggles to save money for her own place? Do you and her father agree how long is long enough?

Dies she go on holiday with you?

I’m not judging either way. Everyone has their own boundaries. However, if my friends and cousins had held these conversations before moving in together, some acrimonious situations could have been avoided.

You really need to think with your head and not your heart on this decision @fourdoorsdown

His child will always come first.

You only need to look at the step-parenting forum to see the minefields they have to tread.

You are right to be cautious.

well not 'never' but I'd just, in general, want one weekend day off a week, or, every other weekend off. I don't think that is asking for much and is just fair when she has her own mum to see. I know there will be exceptions. I am not a parent but I imagine if I were him and DD said I want to come to you this weekend, I could just say 'away this weekend or busy this weekend with gf but we will see you on XYZ day'. Would it not be easy to just carve out quality time for the gf (of course there would still be 50% of the time when we're all together).

Nope, if my child ever asked to come the answer would be yes, it’s their home too, whenever they want to come.

If you can’t accept that, that’s fine, but this isn’t the relationship for you

I remarried 4 years ago and have two DC. My new DH is 10 years older and his DC all grown up. We chose to remain living apart as I did not wish for us all to live together and neither did he. My youngest is off to Uni in a couple of weeks and we are now considering our move. We may still choose to live apart as frankly we enjoy our own space as much as we really love each other. I would remain together but apart if I were you.

Helpful scenarios thank you. I am going through each:

Teen years / arguing with her mum / wants to live with Dad /see her mum weekends: My initial reaction right now is no sorry, it's not fair on me, this will impact my mental wellbeing and my WFH. I am not her mum. The problem arguing with her mum will just be transferred to me and I won't have it.

She wants play music loud, have friends around weekend, sleepover at least once a month: Turn music down or play through headphones. If you want friends over and sleepovers then do that at your mums. I need a rest at the weekend and our place is too small.

Flat or house becomes her home. Can she browse fridge, look for snacks, have a bath for an hour, fill cabinets with her stuff? Yes, this is all totally fine.

Who responsible for cooking, cleaning, washing her clothes, picking her up from school if ill, looking after her on training days that fall during her time with her father? I would do some of the cooking and washing. My BF WFH mostly so while I would step in sometimes, he would do this.

Welcome to stay until mid twenties to save money for own place? Do you and her father agree how long is long enough? I'd hope to have our place to ourselves when she's an adult. E.g. go off to Uni or get a job and house share. He will say she 'may' need to stay until she's mid/late 20s. I don't agree. I haven't lived at home since i was 18. If she wants to live at home she can live with her mum if she's an adult and see us on a weekend.

Does she go on holiday with you? Yes, a few long weekends a year, although we did take her for a week last year. We also have our own holiday once a year and the odd weekend.

"together but apart" makes me feel a bit sad and not what I wanted my life to be like. I can see why it works for you all though and you all sound happy. Are you walking distance or how many minutes drive away do you live?

what if you were actually away or have plans? Can that time not just be classed metaphorically as "time away / busy with plans"?

@fourdoorsdown sorry for in first instance replying to a pp instead of talking to you. There is so much I can relate to here. My Dc are teens - one nearly an adult and my Dps children are 8 and 10. We do not live together but I’ve spend time on holiday with his dc and also at my house or his when I or they sleep over. I sometimes find it overwhelming and thankless from the children ( they are too young ) but my dp appreciates all I do.
however in your situation as you’ve given 2 extremes of the option I would trial staying over sometimes when his dd is there and dip your toes in to help you decide. This might calm your anxiety of moving in or help you decide not to. His Dd might not even like you there as she might want her time with her dad. These situations are never straight forward, I am a parent myself but being a step parent requires a whole new level of being selfless.

It can’t really - sometimes I’ve had to drop time with dp because my dc needed me. Luckily I’ve never had to cancel a holiday or working abroad but if the situation arouse then 100% it’s my kids first if they are sick / upset / need me. My dp has kids so he understands and this applies to him too.

Hey thanks, I do stay there about one weekend a month on average when his DD is there. It's fine. We usually do fun things all together. Never on work nights so not when I am still working and she is home from school. I think the real challenge would be just the reality of having her there every weekend and a couple of week nights. And it could end up more although I would object to that unless it's an emergency. Maybe I will adjust and am worrying over nothing.

Not really, no. Unless he's a shit parent, obviously, but I'm assuming the best of him.

The rather relentless, unremitting fact of parenthood is that you never get to fully turn off or not let them come home when they need it. (It would be "home" even if it isn't the residence she spends the most time in.) Unless actually unavailable (abroad or in hospital, for example), then you drop what ever it is and you get them home.

Custody arrangments do change frequently, particularly for practical reasons like the high school being around the corner from you and a bus commute from her mum. You need to be on board for that.

Step-parenting is a tough gig. It involves allowing someone else to come ahead of you, even though you aren't related to them. If it were me, I would keep my independence. I couldn't give to someone else's child what I've had to give to mine, not without resenting it.

I think it's great you are thinking through lots of angles on this, though.