Live alone or become a stepmum

[fourdoorsdown]

Been with my boyfriend for years now, we are both in our mid 40s, I am childless and he has an 8 YO DD who he has half the week. I see him a couple of times a week and I have always been indecisive about living together, which he would like although he is not naive that it won't come with challenges, so he understands my reticence and hasn't insisted. I like his DD but reality sort of set in and now I am fearful of regretting such a commitment. Kids live at home longer nowadays and I am basically signing up to maybe ca. 18+ years of having to share my home (which i view as sanctuary plus I WFH a lot), with his DD. It could be a nightmare, especially school holidays. I need to decide whether to move in together and pool our assets. He has a small flat so we'd need to get somewhere bigger but the most we can afford is a small 3 bed flat... Should I bring our lives together, or, live alone indefinitely, or, end it and be single. I love him and always imagined getting married and living with a husband. I feel like if it doesn't work out living together our relationship may be over too. Looking for advice from stepparents I guess or partners of stepparents. AIBU to fear living with stepD?

I'd happily meet a man, spend time with them and enjoy their company. If they will fuck off home do their own life admin, laundry, cooking, cleaning, ect ect I'm sick of doing it all for no appreciation and I wouldn't do it again. Not ever.

Me neither.

Even more important - I've been burnt - would I ever give up my financial indepedance for a man.

I am a solo mum. He's nr. 1. And I am nr. 1 in my own life because I am sole carer.

No, it's not selfish. It's self-preservation. For us both.

You're not going to have kids so what's the point in getting married at your age?!
Don't move in and waste your life on someone else's kid.
Just keep seeing him as you are.
He probably wants to get his hands on your assets and make you look after his kid.
Step mums are not treated well.

i guess I don’t want to marry him unless living with him & him neither
I am happy this has worked for you though and & it sounds like you’re both v happy together
how often do you see each other and how close by do you live? We live just over half hour drive away - more if tradfic.
I guess I could potentially look at moving closer but not ‘move in’. I don’t own property but I need to buy and have been holding off buying for years unable to decide

I wouldn't. Have a look through the step-parenting board, I know every situation is different but it can you give you an idea what you may be getting yourself into.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting

Nope. I would not move in with a man who has an 8 year old.

Keep your own place and enjoy your relationship as it is. Why do you think you have to live together?

I have spent lots of weekends at home & long weekends away and a couple of one week holidays
yes I could try living with him for a couple weeks , will be a bit cramped & he worries his place too small but I guess it’ll be a ok way to test

I guess I just don’t feel happy living alone and wish I could live with my boyfriend. I hate having a flatmate ( had to do that for years) but I have lived for years with a boyfriend before and that’s 100% different to a flatmate , it’s nice to come home to someone, dinners together, you feel closer, feel like you have a life together, makes it easier to see each other and frees up weekends for visiting friends whereas now my weekends are seeing my boyfriend

I guess I want to buy property and have been putting it off because of this unmade decision. It will be harder to buy alone and seems a bit mad we pay two lots of bills etc but maybe that’s still for the best. I guess I could potentially buy closer to him
as for it getting less intimidating, I think the older dd gets the less she’ll be easily able to adapt to dad’s girlfriend moving in. Right now she would love it and wants me to be there all the time, hates it when I go home (mindful that novelty may wear off quick if we live together!) , But in a few years time I think she’ll be less excited to have me move in.

Live apart. No question.

OP, its a huge sacrifice on your part.
Buy a place near friends and community and keep seeing him when you can.
The sacrifice is too big.

Why don't you trial it for a few months keeping your place while you do as a back up?

Going against the grain a bit OP but I would give it a shot. You've been together for years, you love him and you want your relationship to progress, Maybe look around for a co-working space close by so you spend more time outside the house?

I totally understand you only want to marry if you live together too. For us the sudden death of my ex-husband made us realise we wanted to get married.

Similar to you: 29 miles.
We see each other every fri-sun, but also one evening during the week. I must say my children adore him and speak of him as a parent. They join me every weekend when I see him. They both have their own room in his house.

But I still wouldn’t put our relationship in jeopardy by moving in together.

If you do want to move in with him, rather sooner than later. When she hits puberty it probably will be messier.

Yes I feel in limbo, I want our relationship to progress. This living apart/ living alone makes me feel sad that I can't have a proper cohabiting relationship and share our lives properly together. But then I realise the living with a SD for 18+ years might be too much for me. This is why I wonder whether to end it or not as I am done with the limbo (though it's hard to find someone and I could have many years of being alone if we go separate ways). I have an office i go to 2x per week, i could go every day, i'd just rather avoid the long commute. I guess we can try living together, it might work out. If it doesn't work then I've at least tried and failed rather than regretting never tried.

That is lovely they have a wonderful father type figure since their own father has passed. Your arrangement sounds great. I agree sooner than later if I am going to move in. There has always been something holding me back.

I can imagine something is holding you back. If you do decide to move in, I’d advise you to hold on to your own lease for at least a year. Better save than sorry.

What does his daughter think about you maybe move in? For children it’s also important they’re being included in the decision making. If she agrees it’s less likely she’ll give you a hard time when you moved in.

I’d also recommend making sure you have a good conversation about your role as a stepmum. Me and my husband were very clear: you cannot live in a house as an adult and life partner, with around (even if it’s only weekends) where you have to keep your mouth shut when a child crosses a line. ‘You’re not my dad!’ is something that’s never been said, because that’s not the issue, he clearly is not. But he is a provider and a partner and therefore entitled to correct them. Everyone has their own view about these issues, so make sure you’re on the same page about that kind of stuff.

Yes, we have a very good arrangement. 🩷

This . Unless you try you won't know

We talked about moving in before and his DD is excited, she enjoys it when I am there and doesn't want me to go home. But she is excited to spend time with anyone who pays her attention, as she is an only child and gets bored. I think this may be a novelty that will wear off. And I agree about being on the same page about me having a voice in the house. I think we would have to try living together in his small flat for maybe a couple of months (not sure how long to do that trial) and keeping my lease so if it doesn't work I have not lost much other than time and possibly the relationship.

The fact that the 8 year old is easily bored and likes having you around to entertain her would be more than enough to make me keep my own place. Being constantly badgered for entertainment will get tired very quickly.

You do seem to have a very romantic view of living together. 'Someone to come home to'
and 'meals together' don't necessarily happen on a regular basis just because you live together. And why are you seeing less of your friends because you don't live with your boyfriend? I appreciate that you want to see him but it should never be at the cost of other relationships.

In your shoes, I'd go ahead and buy a property for you to live in. You're not old. You don't need to be thinking 'who's going to be looking after me' for a long time yet. Live alone, enjoy your space. See your friends. Spend quality time with your boyfriend. You can move in together when his daughter has gone to uni or moved in with flatmates! You still won't be old then. And still won't need to be thinking 'who's going to be looking after me'.

You're not a tragic Bridget Jones figure. You're just comparing your life to those around you. Stop doing that! You have a great life. Don't throw your freedom away to become a housekeeper and childminder (you do know that when you move in he'll go out on nights his daughter is there because he can?!).

I guess if I see my friends at the weekend instead of seeing my boyfriend then it means I don't see my bf and we don't really have a relationship. We don't see each other enough as is. I did live with my ex for 7 years and found it preferable to living alone or with a flatmate. Buying alone will be a bit hard but I can probably do it. I just wonder if I should cut my losses now while I am still young enough to go on a dating app and try to find someone I can have a proper relationship and life with. Although I could end up regretting the break up, single indefinitely or in another imperfect relationship.

Maybe I'm jaded after 15 years in a relationship.

The only happy friends I have are divorced or widowed.

If you want to move in the go for it. If you move in start as you mean to go on. Spilt the household chores equally. Don't take on any more than half. Don't take on parenting responsibilities for his child. Don't do his life admin. Keep your tenancy for a few months and make sure you have exit fund money. Don't buy together for at least a year. Make sure he matches your money or you protect your deposit.

I think you need a clear discussion about expectations. Would he expect you to slot into a traditional wife role, looking after the pair of them, or would he maintain sole responsibility for his DD. You don't have to adopt a full stepmum role, he should be able to stay as her primary carer. Nothing worse than ending up with a man who just wants a mother for his DC while he takes a back seat and does less. Make sure you know his planned intentions.

He def wouldn't expect me to be be a traditional wife/step mum, he would want to be her primary carer, he's also very domesticated with cooking cleaning. I guess my concern is just not having my own space enough and quality time with partner. He has her every Sunday incl. Sunday night and every other Saturday (plus two week nights a week) which means I wouldn't ever get a 'weekend off' in my own home. I like peace and quiet and just not sure I want a DC around half the time for 18+ years and all that entails especially living in a small flat.

Unless you are 100% sure, do not give up your own home.

it is HARD living with step children and unless you’re fully in to it you will be miserable and resent them both.

It's more I worry about losing my ability to live in peace. He has DD every Sunday & Sun night, every other Saturday (so no full weekends off where I can just have time to myself with my bf) plus two week nights. I just think 18+ years of living in a small flat with his DD and any noise she will make, her friends coming round etc whatever age she is half the time -it feels a lot for me mentally as someone who likes peace and quiet. My bf is a quiet person like me but P&Q obviously goes out the window when there is a kid around.