Not sure how to handle DH and his job situation

[Concernedabouthubby]

DH was made redundant in July. It hit him really badly and to make matters worse, he kept appealing and applying for loads of jobs in the same organisation. He kept getting turned down.
I told him to apply outside ( as the other people at risk of redundancy had done) but he didn't. When finally he got to the end of the road with them, he got despondent and wasn't sleeping. He was put on anti depressants. He kept saying he was never going to get a job because he was terrible at interviews ( he isn't but it was becoming a self fulfilling prophecy)
Anyway he got an interview for 2 jobs and just went OTT planning and prepping for each interview. He didn't come out for days going over the same thing unless I forced him out. He got the first job but turned it down as he was worried the money wasn't enough. Fine. He would have had to do a lot of training, too. This second job he was offered yesterday. When I came home from work he said he wasn't sure about it because of ' logistics' The logistics are that he has to go to a different office which is either 4 minutes drive down the road, get a different bus from the one he would have to get to the original place or cycle 5 minutes longer. He is an accomplished cyclist and cycles 30+ miles at the weekend. I said if you really don't want to do it, you'll have to apply for another job. The hiring officer basically told him that he could apply for another post but would have to interview again, but he said he couldn't cope with another interview.
I know he sounds depressed but I don't think not having a job, considering the job loss triggered hus depression in the first place would be helpful, but I'm not sure what I should do. I told him his choices would be to accept the job or apply for another job, so he accepted it but is still going over andvover the to me non-existent logistics. DS has had a to reassess his options as a result of gcses and all of this has been left to me while he obsessed endlessly over this job interview, now he doesn't want it. I'm not sure how to handle it.

I guess he’s had a loss of coincidence.

if it isn’t too patronising, can you do a practice run of the journey to put his mind at ease.

He sounds very anxious.

How would he respond to a bit of tough love? Ie you say "take the job. If you hate it you can look for another whilst bringing in some money". Sometimes I need a push, and while I hate it at the time, it's usually a good idea with hindsight. I just needed the nudge.

Was he at his last job a long time.

He may just be finding the change in routine very daunting. Any change can seem like a big thing for some people. A practice run sounds like a good idea. I'm always really nervous with new job. It doesn't normally take to long to settle in though.

Tell him he needs to give it trial period. If he really doesn't get on with it he can apply for other jobs.

Hi yes you're all right. He was at his other job for 10 years. There was a bad vibe about the redundancies and several others are taking them to tribunal over the decisions made but he didn't feel up to it. He does suffer from anxiety. I did say to him he either has to do this job or apply for a different job but I was concerned I was being too 'tough' and whether there was some other strategy I could employ. But I think just making him do it may be the only way. He's going to go on the bus today, then maybe cycle it tomorrow. He has an induction week in a couple of weeks so that may make him stop catastrophising. He has never been great at compartmentalising and gets obsessive about work, takes too long over tasks etc.

You sound like you're not just his wife, you're his personal therapist.

From what I can see, his anxiety is out of control. I empathise. Losing a job can be hard and devastating to someone's self confidence. But this is out of your control.
I'd be telling him he needs to seek counseling to help him deal with his depression and anxiety.

Has he ever had any treatment for his anxiety?

It sounds like even at his best he gets wrapped up in comparing himself to others and perfectionism and can't see 'this is good enough '

I'm not very good personal therapist if I'm honest! That's what I'm worried about. I just can't deal with it and get frustrated that he comes up with this type of stuff ( like ffs, the bus thing was ridiculous in my eyes!)
He has an appointment with a mental health nurse I think. I agree he does need therapy. He says its to do with his parents and being bullied at school. His dad was a bit full on to say the least and his mum basically worshipped him. She is in her 80's and didn't take too kindly to SIL pointing out things he did when they were young, so I'm not sure how she'll take him going to therapy to deal with their parenting but he does need to do something to deal with it as it resurfaces now and again.

Why would his mum need to know?

And he is most likely to have CBT which is focused much more on how you cope now than unpicking events of the past.

so I'm not sure how she'll take him going to therapy to deal with their parenting.

He's hardly going to tell her is he!

With regards to the job, of course he should take a job which is 4 minutes away. It's non-negotiable really. I wouldn't pander to his anxiety, that'll just make it worse.

I was thinking therapy would be like in the TV programmes where they go around addressing their trauma like Prince Harry, but that's interesting to hear re CBT. I'll suggest it yo him.

I agree. He just needs to put on his big boy pants. I wasn't sure as as I said, I can be a bit ' unsympathetic' as I don't understand it. But I think you're right. Pandering will make it worse, as will not having a job because he's traumatised by interviews and doesn't want to do them!

Psychodynamic psychotherapy is like that and it goes on for years.

Most people do not have the time or budget for that. Plus moaning about your parents is OK but the real work is changing your reactions and behaviour now.

I had Psychodynamic therapy and honestly by the end I had nothing left to say - and still needed some CBT.

Oh gosh, he sounds absolutely crippled with anxiety. It must be so exhausting - for him living with the constant intrusive thoughts, for you having to deal with his behaviour, and parent without support.

He definitely needs support, in the short term I'd suggest seeing his GP and talking aboit medication as a short term fix to get him through this immediate crisis. Longer term cbt could definitely help, and he can self refer for this.

I'm your shoes I think I would simply tell him that you're making a gp appointment for him and that you'll be going in there with him. I know that sounds infantilising and you shouldnt gave to do it, grown man etc, but he's having a mental health crisis and he needs someone to push him into getting help - because his illness will be telling him that he can't possibly get help, it's too scary.

CBT for anxiety is great! Really practical and solution focused. He would only need to go over events from childhood if they were affecting how he sees situations now. It can be really life changing.

Glad he's accepted the new job and is planning how he's going to get there - even if it's currently by going over and over things with you! Getting started in his new role could be a big confidence boost too.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation it is exhausting. I know it is for both of us but I don't do well when I can't do anything about something and I get frustrated, so it's hard when he's just crippled with inertia to bite my tongue and not say just get a fucking grip!
@SayDoWhatNow the cbt sounds ideal actually. There is a local therapist I walk past so I may see what the cost is for a block of sessions. The most urgent thing is to get him to go to the job and/or apply for the other job.

It's just nerves. Once he gets past each 'first' in the new job he will settle in. Tell him it's normal and most people don't feel fully settled until 3 months in post but then they feel more confident.

He's terrified at leaving the organisation he knows and starting over. He put himself through all those appeals and internal interviews just to avoid the change, and all the worry about travel is just really concern about the new start. Does he find new situations difficult? Struggle with new people? If he will open up to you you could support him with techniques to get past that.

This. Otherwise you're dealing with him, your dc, and no one is helping you!

Yes he does struggle with all those things. He is prone to catastrophising. I'm.quite a positive person but it's so draining. I want to support my DC with starting college and I'm starting to resent using my mental bandwidth on him too.
How do you find a good therapist? Are the online ones any good?

Check out the MIND website on how to find therapy or counselling. It has directories for reputable private services and tells you what you need to ask the on line ones (professional registration etc) to check they're above board.

He just needs to do a few practice runs to get his timings and route settled in his head. If he cycles loads, tell him to give it a shot

Hi he's done a cycle and a bus journey and is about to turn the job down. I just don't know what to do. The reasons he's giving for not doing it are things that will apply to every job. I really think he is just not going to be working for the foreseeable future. Honestly I don't think I can live with that. When he doesnt have a routine he literally doesn’t do anything. Hes paralysed with inertia, so I will be working full time and he will just be sitting around. I work from home and I dont think our marriage will survive it if I'm honest. But I also think the state he is in now, he won't be able to hold down a job. It's been so stressful. We've looked at his worries and come up with solutions, he even spoke to his mum about it who more or less said the same thing as me. I can't see how we are going to get through this.

At this point honestly I d be telling him to get a fucking grip.

I've done that. I'm at the point of marching him to the doctors and possibly a therapist.

yep, this!

I'd also add that it would be great for family finance & he will feel better once he is back at work, meet new ppl etc.

And if he still thinks this is not for him he can quit after lets say 3 months.

The longer the gap on the CV the harder it will be to secure employment- I am talking from experience here, you can let him know that too.