Not sure how to handle DH and his job situation

[Concernedabouthubby]

DH was made redundant in July. It hit him really badly and to make matters worse, he kept appealing and applying for loads of jobs in the same organisation. He kept getting turned down.
I told him to apply outside ( as the other people at risk of redundancy had done) but he didn't. When finally he got to the end of the road with them, he got despondent and wasn't sleeping. He was put on anti depressants. He kept saying he was never going to get a job because he was terrible at interviews ( he isn't but it was becoming a self fulfilling prophecy)
Anyway he got an interview for 2 jobs and just went OTT planning and prepping for each interview. He didn't come out for days going over the same thing unless I forced him out. He got the first job but turned it down as he was worried the money wasn't enough. Fine. He would have had to do a lot of training, too. This second job he was offered yesterday. When I came home from work he said he wasn't sure about it because of ' logistics' The logistics are that he has to go to a different office which is either 4 minutes drive down the road, get a different bus from the one he would have to get to the original place or cycle 5 minutes longer. He is an accomplished cyclist and cycles 30+ miles at the weekend. I said if you really don't want to do it, you'll have to apply for another job. The hiring officer basically told him that he could apply for another post but would have to interview again, but he said he couldn't cope with another interview.
I know he sounds depressed but I don't think not having a job, considering the job loss triggered hus depression in the first place would be helpful, but I'm not sure what I should do. I told him his choices would be to accept the job or apply for another job, so he accepted it but is still going over andvover the to me non-existent logistics. DS has had a to reassess his options as a result of gcses and all of this has been left to me while he obsessed endlessly over this job interview, now he doesn't want it. I'm not sure how to handle it.

I would have no tolerance for this.

I've only just read this thread, so have seen the whole of it in one go.
From your last update I was about to post pretty much what ChilledMama has said.

Starting this job would be a line for me, given he doesn't currently have other options and the logistics are not unreasonable at all.
Looking for other jobs (whilst starting this one) would be fine but with an acceptable offer on the table and not currently working he needs to take it.

I'd also talk to him about the therapy if you haven't already. He needs to be on board with progressing this if it is to happen.

I'd tell him how this is impacting on me, and explain how you feel about the impacts on the future of your marriage.
He needs to understand the wider picture.

Is money an issue with him not working?

So her turned down the first job as he didn’t think the money would be enough, but is now turning down a second role, essentially ensuring that no money will be coming in from his side at all.

He does sound anxious, but his part now then is to seek help (without you needing to “match him down there”.

Also a full and frank discussion about finances is needed - because if he’s not going to be working, that will usually have a massive impact - what is his side of helping to negate this?

Ok so he needs to work. That’s a non negotiable. I would put it back on him.

’You need a job and these issues will apply to all jobs, so how are YOU going to resolve this’

I would also tell him he is impacting my mental health and he needs to access help, even if that’s medication for now and therapy when he can get it. What happens if you end up not being able to work if your mental health hits the floor.

and before anyone starts saying ‘a woman saying she couldn’t work because she was so anxious would get more sympathy and people would expect her husband to support her until she was well enough to work’, maybe someone people would. But I wouldn’t. You can’t just let the family financially implode because you are anxious and uncomfortable at the thought of working somewhere new.

He sounds like he’s having some kind of breakdown. The trouble with anxiety is that you take short term decisions which bring brief relief but actually cause more problems longer term.

As you and PP have said, he really needs to take the job; turning it down will ultimately make his anxiety worse. If this job goes well, it will pay off and if it’s awful he can look for someone else. The job market is so tough; he’s lucky to have had 2 job offers. That also shows how much he has to offer.

Is he medicated for his anxiety? I took Prozac for a short period in the mid-1990s when a host of difficulties converged, including a very tricky and painful job situation. It was just what I needed to get me through and into another job. Might he consider medication?

Is he neurodivergent?

The paralysis and inability to cope with change, catastrophising, obsessing over things to the exclusion of everything else and being anxious about apparently small things like a slightly more difficult journey sounds exactly like me - I'm autistic and adhd.

If he is ND, he may be in burnout due to a lot of huge changes and stresses in a short space of time rather than just scared of a new job.

I was also wonder if he is neurodivergent.

He possibly needs structure and familiarity to feel safe. Can you bite size this with him? Sit down and plan his days with him so that you can formulate a new routine with him together?

I would also be getting him an out of hours GP appointment and ideally go with him if you are able. He could do with someone to advocate for him and medication.

As for longer term, if you can get him through this right now, he will need some strategies in place to navigate future issues, therapy and so forth.

I don't have advice but sympathy. My previously very level headed and rational DH was made redundant a few years ago from a job he had been in a decade and it kick started severe anxiety and panic attacks. Thankfully he had another job by that point and was able to wfh throughout but it has been challenging. For a period he could barely leave the house and I was spending hours talking him down from panic attacks every single day. I can really relate to the way you are coming across a lot of frustration but still a lot of love for him. Anxiety is a pretty selfish affliction as he was over obsessing every single thing and wanted to discuss it in great detail and ponder it and I guess check out of family life a bit but in reality you have stuff to do and a DS to support so you don't have the option of checking out.

I think I eventually got to the point where we sat down together and went over our non negotiables, I wasn't expecting him to be able to go out to big social events or full days shopping but for our life to function he had to be able to run errands and pick up the kids. I don't know whether it would be worth having a similar conversation and saying I don't really care which job or what it pays or even what hours but it's a non negotiable that you are employed.

It sounds like he's heading for a mental health crisis.

No logical reason why an accomplished cyclist can't get to a local job.

He needs to get to the GP and therapy asap.

Do you work? How are finances without him working? This may not be a quick fix

Or it might be ‘just’ anxiety, which also presents exactly like this.

My son's exactly like this right now. Out of routine and is paralyzed by anxiety. He's autistic and it's tricky to manage sometimes. He knows that going back to college will help though.

Your husband probably needs to go on the beta blockers by the sounds of it and then a frank conversation about the future. He can't just sit around and be none productive, marriages don't survive that.

I’m an anxious person but by god I could not remain calm over this.
So your dh can piss about on his bike riding for 30 miles yet says it’s too difficult to cycle to work?
No, I’m sorry I’d be going mental over this. I’d say you had better not get that bike out and ride for pleasure again mate.
He needs to go to therapy straight away.
He also needs tough love.
I hope he is doing all the housework whilst he isn’t working.
You need to tell him straight that you won’t tolerate this for much longer.

Can he compartmentalise?

Suggest he park his worries to one side, go to GP for help with incapacitating anxiety, and get himself to work.
Tell him it’s his no. one priority, that you’ll look after everything else for a while so he can decompress after work if he needs to.

Be kind but pushy- remind him of all the things that are the same about work and home. It’s a new place with some new people. But it’s still work, you still rock up every day, come home to us etc etc. Be calm and monotonous with it. Lots of hugs if he likes hugs.

Think of kids not wanting to go to school in September. Yes he’s a grown ass man but he’s experiencing overwhelming emotions of panic.

That said, it sounds like he may not manage it so you are going to have to line up a plan B. Quietly, just in case. Cut expenses, look into benefits if you’d be eligible, while he tries to recover.

Yeah but she's already thought of that.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think he is neurodiverdent, yes but not diagnosed. The thing with the job is that its supporting adults with learning difficulties and autism. He has done this before and loved it, and was very good at it. He only stopped as he moved into management, which was the job he was made redundant from. But it's really not fair to inflict him on a bunch of young people who themselves have anxiety disorders and need routine while he sorts himself out. The other jobs he's applied for are more admin based and don't have vulnerable people relying on him. I would feel more comfortable forcing him out of the house to do those, and if he gets those offers and turns them down then I really will go hardball.
I have made him write out a list of 3 tasks he has to do today that he has to tick off- one of them being to call mind and find out about some talking therapies he could access immediately. I called a therapist who spoke to him but I think he needs cbt as pp have said but she doesn't do it. It's bloody difficult for me though. I really cannot spend my life babying him through to do lists.
Financially we can just about survive on my salary but I don't want to just about survive. I want to do what we were doing before, which was going out and not worrying about buying lunch. He got a fairly good redundancy package but doesn't want to spend it in case he doesn't get a job. I'm making him still pay his share of the bills though.

@gamerchick what are the beta blockers? He was on Sertraline years ago. Is that what he should ask for?

Yes I think I will. I will not have this affecting my children.

Me neither.
I do emphasise with his anxiety.
But I’d ended getting frustrated and saying something like “snap out of it, you’ve got responsibilities so put your big boy pants on and fucking sort it, even if you have to travel a tiny bit further for a different job”.

All the talk about therapy is lovely stuff in theory, but in the real world life ain’t ever perfect and bills need paying at the end of each month, so you’ve got to just get your game face on, get out there and JFDI.

Im so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s really tough! I haven’t read all the posts but IMO some people are being very harsh. Anxiety is real and debilitating. My partner suffers from it and I have seen a rational, intelligent, hardworking and sensible adult spiral into a state where seemingly straightforward challenges seem impossible to navigate. I second the suggestion of asking the GP for beta blockers - they worked almost like magic to calm my partner and he was able think straight and function normally. CBT therapy helped longer term and he now manages the condition success but it was the beta blockers that got him over the hump. Good luck!

I think your husband is relying on you too much. If you weren't there he would just have to get a job and support himself and the kids, and he would be more worried about where the money was coming from than whether a 4 minute journey is too much. Because you are there he has the "luxury" (not like he is enjoying it, obv) of over thinking everything and it's causing huge problems.

I am a massive over thinker and I sympathise to an extent. What over thinkers forget is that there comes a point when no more thinking is any use at all. There is no way through this by continuing to mentally play through alternatives. He is now at a point where he has to do something - take a job - do it - try his best - and reassess then. He just has to. It sounds like he has good options to choose from.

The difficulty is that he is forcing you to be the person who tells him this, and that isn't fair on you. I hate to say it but maybe can you park that for now and come back to that when he is stronger. Say, at some point in the future when he is up and running again: I have to step down from being the only adult in the relationship and you have to step up

I guess that’s why some married people take notice of their vows (for better or worse, in sickness and in health), when others don’t and the marriage fails.

OPs husband may be having a mental health crisis, as she says he’s clearly neurodivergent with the planning he did for the interviews and the anxiety about getting there along with the need to talk things through.

You’re right to point everything out to him, By the sounds of it, he will be open to analysing the finances etc.

Good luck OP.

I understand it's hard after you have worked in one organisation for years. And having anxiety is making it more difficult to then be dealing with loosing your job and find a new one and adjusting to it. I get that. However at this stage I would keep it short and simply ask/state: we cannot afford you being out of work so what is your plan to keep earning?
This new job doesn't have to be his forever job. He should do it for now while looking for something else that is more suitable to his needs.

Sertraline is an antidepressant of the SSRI group.

Beta blockers are long established blood pressure reducing drugs that are routinely used as an acute treatment of anxiety.